Hello, hello, hello! What's all this, then?

There is a famous Not the Nine O' Clock News sketch in which a certain Constable Savage is told off for over-zealous policing. It turns out that Constable Savage has now been transferred to Wimbledon, where he has now branched out into arresting Christians.

Inspector: So, Constable Savage, while your colleagues have been arresting visiting American preachers, I see that you have arrested another gentleman, a Mr Peter Smith. What exactly are the charges you are making against him?

The prisoner.

Savage: We had lots of complaints, sir. He was wearing a fancy hat in a public place, and carrying an offensive weapon.

Inspector: I think those are the tools of his trade, Savage. Was he preaching any religious doctrine, of the sort that might give offence to our LBGT Community, or indeed our TMOB (Trouble-Making Old Busybody) Community?

Savage: No, nobody could accuse him of giving any religious leadership, Inspector. But he was also seen associating with another gentleman, who was causing a public nuisance by wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness. So we arrested him as well.

Wearing unnecessarily loud clothes after the hours of darkness.

Inspector: Savage, the law says you should only arrest Christians if they say something in public. It doesn't matter what, it can be classed as hate crime, conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace, ...

Savage: But I hate Christians, sir.

Inspector: Well, so do we all. Now, who else have you brought in?

Savage: A young lady, who was speaking in tongues, sir. A Miss Sharapova.

Inspector: What exactly was she saying, Constable?

Savage: Well, it was more a case of grunting and shrieking noises, sir. (Consults notebook.) "Urgh. Oorgh. Aaargh. Owww!" Can't we do her for hate speech?

Speaking in tongues.

Inspector: No go, Savage. We'd never be able to make the charges stick. Now, I see you have one more prisoner. You entered a building called a "church" and found him reading out offensive words?

Savage: Yes, sir, I confiscated the book he was reading from. It's a real shocker, full of sex and violence, murders, rapes, the lot.

A book which glorifies teenage violence.

Inspector: Ah yes, this "Bible". It's not yet on the "banned" list, but it is evidence of subversive thought. Which part was he reading out?

Savage: Some bit called "Matthew 19", sir. And Jesus said: Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness. Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Inspector: Sounds like a trouble-maker, this Jesus. The name sounds familiar - see if he's got form, Constable. Writing words like that could cause offence to our well-respected MATL community.

Savage: MATL?

Inspector: Murderers, Adulterers, Thieves and Liars, Constable. Do try and keep up.

---

This post was begun by Eccles and finished off by Pope Francis.

Pope Francis struggles to think of a final punch-line.

I'm a Catholic and I'm O.K.

Here at last is the song that will offend Obama, Cameron, Hollande, Kenny, ... All of them. If you don't know the tune, you can find it here.

Oh, I'm a Catholic, and I'm okay,
I go to church and I like to pray.

The choir

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, I genuflect,
I say the Rosary.
On Fridays I go shopping
And eat just fish for tea.

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, he genuflects,
He says the Rosary.
On Fridays he goes shopping
And eats just fish for tea.

Probably a Catholic bird.

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, confess my sins,
I feel that God is near.
I don't think that abortion
Is such a good idea.

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, confesses sins,
He feels that God is near.
He doesn't think abortion is such a good idea???
WHAT???

A nasty pro-life Catholic fiend. We hates them.

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, I shun divorce,
I'm definitely pro-life.
I don't think that two men can
Be called "husband and wife".

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, he shuns divorce
He's definitely pro-life??? How dare he?
He doesn't think two men can be called "husband and wife"???
Bigot! Lock him up!

Oh Bevis! And I always thought you were a Tablet Catholic!

Three grim histories

Palestine, 4 BC.

King Enda the Great, leader of the Fine Galilee party, today expelled four of his members for opposing the new Massacre of the Innocents law, which would "protect life" by slaughtering all babies up to the age of two years old.

King Enda, with a very apprehensive-looking baby.

As "Enda Life" explained, "There is no room in my party for people who, for sentimental or religious reasons, refuse to go along with my life-saving 'kill kill kill' policy. In fact, the religious argument is completely bogus, since the Chief Priest, Diar-muid Mar-tin, refuses to excommunicate me - as everyone knows, I am considered to be a devout and pious member of the Church."

A more traditional photo of Enda the Great.

---

Meanwhile, in Wales, a law of "presumed consent" has been passed, stating that anyone found to be dead - or nearly dead - may be recycled for spare parts. This is likely to be extended to cover people who sit still for too long, or fall asleep in a public place, as they may also be presumed dead.

No waiting. It's really not a good idea. Keep moving. There's a doctor watching.

It is thought that the idea may pass to Scotland, where Messrs Burke and Hare, who run a flourishing "spare parts" business in Edinburgh, have expressed enthusiastic support for the Welsh legislation.

---

Finally, in Texas, a group of pro-abortion activists has been seen crying "Hail Satan!" This will be seen as a very positive step by many U.S. Catholics, such as Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, showing as it does that, despite minor differences of religious doctrine, it is still possible for Catholics and Satanists to reach agreement on a number of important issues, such as the excellence of abortion! It's a great day for ecumenism!

The time for religious conflict such as this is over!

Lumen Fidei - what will it contain?

Excitement is mounting as the encyclical Lumen Fidei, jointly authored by popes Benedict XVI and Francis, is due to hit the bookstalls on Friday 5th July.

The two popes (in traditional white vestments) celebrate the completion of their work.

We asked some of our regular readers what they expected to see in this document, which is sure to become a best-seller.

Professor Tina Beattie, Roehampton. Clearly a new broom has entered the Vatican, which will sweep away all the cobwebs of traditionalism and bring us to the pure Catholicism as invented by the Vatican II Council. Expect a more relaxed attitude to same-sex marriage, abortion, and divorce, and perhaps a few sentences likening the Mass to an act of homosexual intercourse! From now on nobody is going to stop me from lecturing, where and when I wish! I did it MY way...

Tina, you SHALL go to the ball!

Archbishop Piero Marini, liturgical expert. Ha ha ha, at last I'll have my revenge on Benedict! He's had his encyclical totally rewritten by Pope Francis the Wonderful. From now on there'll be no more Latin, in fact no more prayers at all. We're gonna dance, dance, dance! By the way, Holy Father, just in case you're looking for a new Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship, perhaps it's time for one who has a fondness for pagan rites? Just a thought...

Lord of the Prance.

Damian Thompson, experienced Vatican-watcher.What many fans of Pope Francis have been waiting to see is a definitive statement on the liturgical role of custard. It seems likely that this is the document that we have been waiting for, at least as an interim statement until a full Custard Council can be convened. But my spies tell me that, whereas Pope Benedict prefers the "Extraordinary Form" of custard made with real eggs, his successor is more of an "Ordinary Form" man, and prefers it out of a tin. We shall see.

A shock for traditionalists.

Dawkins founds a monastery

Ever-anxious to show that he can do all the things Christians do - only better - Professor Richard Dawkins announced today the foundation of the Monastery of the Selfish Gene, of which he would be the first Abbot.

Father Richard and, er, Brother Richard in the monastery.

The press agent for the M.S.G. has put together a list of Frequently Asked Questions for those interested in becoming atheist monks.

Q: Do I have to take vows of poverty, chastity or obedience?

A: No, nothing like that. If you want to write best-selling books or go round the world on well-paid lecture tours, that's just fine (but give some of the proceeds to Fr Richard!) Chastity is also a no-no. Let those selfish genes of yours travel! But we do demand obedience, and indeed outright sycophancy, to Fr Richard.

We've already expelled one monk for reading this behind the bike-sheds.

Q: What do you do all day long?

A: There are regular services of worship:

Leuds, where we make smutty jokes about God; 
Matings, where we share our genes with the Little Sisters of 
St Polly next door;
Meme, where we use Richard's Holy Word "Meme" in as many 
inappropriate contexts as possible;
Sex;
Nones, Terce, Vespers... haven't got these worked out yet but 
probably they'll involve singing praises to Fr Richard;
Complain, where we grumble about God.

Apart from that we have lectures on theology from Fr Richard, who has been urgently googling Aquastine and Aguinas (I hope we've got those names right!) as well as St Paul's Letter to the Delusions.

Q: Do you run hospitals and schools, or do other works of charity?

A: No... there's a limit to how much we can imitate those Christians you know! Still, some people have said that we should turn ourselves into a hospital for the incurably insane. We may yet do this!

Sister Lalla demonstrates the traditional art of carpet-biting.

Q: How about a vow of silence?

A: Ha ha ha! No, Richard is dead against that one. But you'd be surprised how many people have suggested it to him.