A guide to the Novus Ordo 2

Continued from Part 1.

The story so far: although more used to the Extraordinary Form of the Mass, our students are learning about the Ordinary Form. As today's lesson starts we are about to embark on the act of penitence. So far the church is not very full, because those who aren't sinners haven't yet bothered to show up.

At this stage, late-comers are probably outside, liturgically parking the car.

For those who got there on time, the chances are that you will say a prayer starting: I confess to almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned.

Note that in the earlier English translation of the Missal (undertaken by a distinguished team of scholars including Basil Loftus and a man who owned a Latin dictionary with only a few pages missing), the greatly wasn't present; that's because people didn't sin so much in those days. The new translation also adds through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault, and you are supposed to beat your breast, perhaps three times.

Mea maxima culpa! How to beat your breast.

Actually, it seems that most people don't bother to do the breast-beating thing. If you are holding a baby, then it's probably a dangerous thing to attempt, but your sins may well be forgiven, all the same.

If you're lucky you will also get a sung version of this: Lord have mercy. Kyrie Eleison. If you're less lucky it will be accompanied by a man on an electric organ, a spotty teenager with a guitar, and an old man playing some sort of recorder. This is to encourage you to cry out for mercy.

Lord have mercy!

Well, that's over, the remaining stragglers have now turned up, usually squashing into the most crowded pews, and we are ready for the Gloria: Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to people of good will.In the earlier translation Lofty's pals got this wrong - possibly because some of them were not people of good will - and it came out as ...and peace to His people on earth.

"On earth" was also deemed to include astronauts.

The Gloria, as re-translated by Arthur Roche and co, is now very similar to its Latin equivalent; however, the congregation are nowadays encouraged to use some of the time in consulting their mobile phones, texting friends, etc. This is so that they don't do it during the Liturgy of the Word.

Before that, we may be invited to participate in a moment of silent prayer. Do it quickly, since after about 0.0001 seconds the priest will rush into the Collect. We'll discuss the Bible readings next time.

At the next stage the lector does not need to be a priest.

Sede Vacante

Conspiracy theorists are still arguing over the significance of the "vacant seat", marking the absence of Pope Francis from a concert last week. We asked some of our local bloggers if they could explain this.

Eccles: Apparently, the little girl sitting behind him had asked him to move, as his mitre was blocking her view. This happens to me in the cinema a lot: I'm sitting down to watch an exciting James Bond film and a bishop comes in and sits in front of me. Still, in some dioceses you're lucky if they even wear a dog-collar.

Ven. Fulton Sheen - hearts sank whenever he came into a theatre.

Father X, expert on cannon law: I'm told that Pope Francis took the evening off in order to practise his shooting. It's not widely known but he always packs a pistol whenever he celebrates Mass, just in case a Tabletjournalist should walk in. And a good thing too.

Good shooting, Holy Father!

Father TF, hermeneutical expert: No, in fact Pope Francis spent the evening attaching corks to his papal mitre, in readiness for a forthcoming trip to Australia. He was envious of the corking biretta that my parishioners have made for me.

The Pope prepares to meet Cardinal Pell.

Catherine Pepinster, Tabletista: Pope Benedict XVI would have attended this concert, which featured music by the misogynist dead composer Beethoven - a shabby attempt to revive the sort of music which is totally against the Spirit of Vatican II. Pope Francis, when he discovered that there would be no music by living female composers - such as, er, Sandie Shaw, Lulu, Dusty Springfield and Cilla Black, who appeal to the younger generation - rightly boycotted the concert and spent the evening reading the last 50 issues of the Tablet, which we'd sent him.

Cilla Black, as modern and relevant as the Tablet.

Damian Thompson, custard expert: Sorry, I'm too cut up about the death of James Gandolfini, surely the most important overweight actor since Orson Welles. I must go and write three more blog posts on the subject. Surely his beatification cannot be far away?

A scene from The Sopranos.

The Scandal of Pope Francis

The Catholic Church was up in arms today, when yet more evidence emerged that Pope Francis isn't the same as Pope Benedict.

The set for World Youth Day, designed by Pope Francis. Note the Satanic horns.

Take for example World Youth Day 2013 in Rio. Originally, Pope Benedict had suggested an elegant Gothic setting for this important event. But the moment that Francis jumped onto the chair of St Peter, he decided to reverse this decision and chose a design out of Star Wars, which he planned and built in 3 months flat.

The site of WYD, as planned by Benedict XVI (now demolished).

Pope Francis continues to bring shame on the Catholic church. Last night he was supposed to be watching Rome's Got Talent, presented by Antonio and Decani; instead he chose to go off and do some work, meeting a group of nuncios (only one of whom was able to juggle fried eggs while standing on one leg and whistling Follow me, follow me!). Then he dared to go off and do some praying - as if he didn't do enough of that already!

Pope Francis praying - when he could be having FUN!

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In other news, a miraculous vision has appeared in the bathroom wall of a blogger by the name of Eccles. It is not believed to have any religious significance, but an exorcist has been called just in case.

This can't be what the Tablet calls "Catholic wallpaper".

2 Samuel

Time for more spiritual nourishment in the form of the next instalment of the Eccles Bible project, where we explain the Bible to atheists.

Now here we come to one powerful argument for atheism: the 2nd book of Samuel is not by Samuel, and doesn't even mention him. In the eyes of Richard Dawkins this proves that the Bible is false. But then The Selfish Genedoesn't mention Gene Kelly, so maybe it's not such a clincher after all.

The Prophet Gene, singing in the rain.

In fact the 2nd book of Samuel starts with David singing, or at least reciting, a lament over the deaths of Saul and Jonathan: How are the mighty fallen! Tell it not in Gath (or Geth).* Well, it's too late to tell it in Gath (or Geth) now, as the place has fallen into ruin.

It's not all bad news for David, as he is then anointed king. However, General Abner sets up Saul's remaining son Ish-bosheth as a rival king, although eventually they both get murdered.

* It's terrible how many clichés you find in the Bible. Shakespeare too, wrote little apart from clichés.

The comic strip Li'l Ish-bosheth never really took off.

At this stage, David is very much the good guy, and is really furious at the murders of Abner and Ish-whatsit. "David reigned over all Israel, doing what was just and right for all his people," as it says in Chapter 8, and God backs him. Indeed, God enters into an eternal covenant with him. I'm rather losing count of these Old Testament covenants, but each one was slightly more sophisticated that its predecessor. There'll be something much better on offer in the New Testament.

By the time we get to Chapter 9, David asks "Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?" There is, in fact; namely J's son Mephibosheth. But things are about to go horribly wrong, and it's all David's fault...

Bathsheba, she bare in a bath.

Yes, the lovely Bathsheba comes on the scene and David falls for her. Problem: she is married to Uriah the Hittite. David's conduct is rather poor here: he has an affair with her, and he arranges for Uriah to be killed in battle. From now on, David's life is going to consist of a succession of troubles, and it is hard to present it in a cheerful light.

Tamar, David's daughter, is raped by Amnon, his son. Then Absolom, another son, rebels against David. Although Absolom gets killed, he does at least try to die in a comic fashion: he's riding a mule under a tree, and is caught by the branches and left hanging in mid-air.

A brave attempt to inject some comedy into a depressing book.

It's no wonder that Samuel decided to stay dead during this book. Let's skip through to Chapter 22, without listing the wars and famine en route; here we have one of David's hit songs (he composed it earlier, it seems). This time he manages to be a bit more upbeat.

Are you all ready to join in the song, lads?

The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;
the God of my rock, in Him will I trust. 
He is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, 
my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour...

This is good stuff, much better than "Follow me, follow me..." David later bundles a whole lot of these into a book of Psalms (this one turns up again as number 18).

Well, we're coming to the end of David's reign, although he hangs on a little longer in order to qualify for the book of 1 Kings. A deeply flawed character, but aren't we all, Richard? Yes, even you... look, admit that at least, and we may start getting somewhere...

Ordinariate for pagans announced

Following the announcement that the Church of England is to welcome pagans - which most people thought to have happened many years ago - Pope Francis has announced the creation of a new Ordinariate, enabling pagans to convert to Catholicism while still preserving all that's best in Pagan Patrimony.

Ancient stones - these are considered holy by many pagans.

Originally, it was thought that Pope Francis was hostile to the Ordinariate - simply because there are not many disillusioned Anglicans in Argentina - but he has now seen the wisdom of Pope Benedict's ideas, and is prepared to take them further.

The first step will be to set up an Pagan Ordinariate church in London. This is already proving difficult, simply as there are no convenient stone circles at hand. It is thought that it will be necessary to import some, and install them in a convenient open space, perhaps just in front of Westminster Cathedral.

The Twelve Apostles (Ilkley Moor). Will they move to Westminster?

Some aspects of Pagan Worship may be hard to assimilate into the Catholic Mass. For example, it was thought at first that taking off all one's clothes and dancing in the light of the moon was too far from established Catholic tradition. However, having been shown examples of liturgical dancing at Liverpool Cathedral and elsewhere, the Pope no longer believes that this will be a problem.

Liturgical dancing (alternatively, the choir may perform a Gregorian chant).

Following the "Stonehenge II" council in the 1960s, human sacrifices are no longer part of mainstream pagan worship, but they are still be allowed for "traddy" pagans who request it from their local Archwizard. For such traditionalists to join the Ordinariate, suitable provision will be made in the Catholic liturgy. A papal encyclical De Humano Immolando is in preparation, which will clarify this issue. Many other Pagan traditions should be assimilated with little trouble.

A Catholic "cage" mass, where the priest pretends to be a budgerigar.

Reactions to the Pope's proposal have been mixed. Said the Tablet, "This is the sort of brilliant idea that we would never have seen when we were crushed by the iron jackboot of Pope Benedict. It takes the emphasis away from God, and focuses it on ourselves, so it must be good."

After all, this is very similar to some existing Catholic Masses.

On the other hand, pagan leaders are furious that the Catholic Church is attempting to "poach" its believers without any consultation. Said Arch-Pendragon Getafix (formerly Jim Tharg), "It's a disgrace. They're even asking Paul Inwood to publish a Pagan setting of the Mass, including animal noises and the sounds of witches screeching - apparently, this will only require minor modifications to his existing work."

Monsignor Snape prepares for Mass.

Finally, the "Magic Circle" of Catholic bishops in England and Wales is also showing enthusiasm for the idea of a Pagan Ordinariate. Archbishop Nichols has long had excellent relations with Rowan Williams, a druid who rose to a senior position in the Church of England, and he is therefore expected to be very responsive to the idea of Pagan Patrimony.

We'll now sing "All things bright and beautiful."

Novus Ordo Cricket

With apologies to non-Cricketians who may worship the ball that is base, or even subscribe to one of the many cults of the ball called foot.

Following the 1960s Vatican II reforms, the Cricketic Church introduced a Novus Ordo form of its service, which upset many traditionalist worshippers.

Novus Ordo cricket. Note the unusual liturgical vestments.

In the Tridentine form of the service (named after the Council of Trent Bridge), worship was often not deemed to be completed until a "testing" period of 5 days of prayer (or Quinquena) had elapsed.

Father Shepherd knew the correct liturgical gestures.

Typically, the prayers varied over the five days, perhaps along the following lines:

Day 1: Australia batting well. A prayer that the Lord may aid 
his servants Anderson, Swann, and the other bowlers. 
Day 2: Australia declares: Ite. Inningus est, and England bats.
A prayer that the Lord may sustain Cook, Trott, and the
other batsmen.
Day 3: England batting collapses (this is traditional). Readings 
from the book of Job.
Day 4: Australia bats again. A prayer for rain.
Day 5: England, set 947 to win, manage 111 all out. A requiem 
mass for English cricket, including the burning of bails. Ashes 
to ashes...

The veneration of relics is an important part of the Tridentine game.

However, in the Novus Ordo service, some of the dignity and reverence shown in the Tridentine form simply disappeared. The wise theological advice, dig thou in, lad, just stay there for a few days, don't try to score any runs,found in the Gospel of St Geoffrey of Boycott, was replaced by an undignified scramble, as the whole service was rushed through in a matter of hours.

Liturgical dancing - what next?

Still there are hopeful signs for the future, as the Tridentine form of the game is still permitted, and a new generation of worshippers is favouring it. Curiously, some of the Latin terminology used in the older form of the game persists, and even the Novus Ordo service includes phrases such as Howzat? (Latin for "Hath he not transgressed?")

The Lord's temple - pavilioned in splendour and girded with praise.

Finally, whether or not they prefer the Ordinary Form or the Extraordinary Form of the game, Cricketics everywhere will treasure the words of Ezekiel 41:24:And in the two doors on both sides were two little doors, which were folded within each other: for there were two wickets on both sides of the doors.

St Geoffrey of Boycott smites the ungodly.

Why we hated Pope Benedict

From the desk of the Editor of the Tablet, a formerly Catholic newspaper that's fallen on spiritual hard times.

The staff of the Tablet, welcoming Pope Benedict to Britain.

Isn't it great that we've got rid of Pope Benedict? Now the Catholic Church can be welcoming to other Churches and faiths - even Tabletism itself! You never saw Pope Benedict talking to people of other faiths, did you? But Francis has taken a special interest in us, indeed, he keeps offering to send a team of his finest exorcists to visit us! Lovely man!

Pope Benedict (hiss!) shows his hatred of Muslims.

No, Pope Benedict's own priorities were different. When he'd finished sticking pins into wax images of Rowan Williams, he started talking to the Vatican II-denying Society of St Pius X, which he regarded as his lost sheep. But as we all know, when the Good Shepherd loses a sheep, He doesn't waste time looking for it: what He does is to get another one!

Also... would you believe it... the man re-authorised the celebration of the Tridentine rite! How many people speak Tridentine these days? I certainly don't! Then he imposed an English translation which, although it was more accurate, was severely inadequate. I don't need to explain why, do I? In fact, I'm not sure that I can. Clifford? Hans? Tina? Anyone got any ideas here?

Would anyone seriously look for a lost sheep?

Pope Francis, who now celebrates his first 100 days in office, has had ecumenical discussions with religious leaders worldwide, such as the Chief Moonie, Tom Cruise of the Scientologists, Richard Dawkins, and even the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. He hates the ordinariate, because he knows that it attracts the wrong sort of Catholic - ones loyal to Rome, with orthodox beliefs, who clean their teeth and brush their hair, who don't read the Tablet except to find out what their enemies are up to. The ordinariate is now DOOMED... at least if we can do anything about it!

The Ordinariate - there's a face on that shield, mocking me!

Benedict went out of his way to bully Muslims. Remember the Regensburg rallies he organized in 2006 in order to mock the Prophet? And as a result we saw 9/11, didn't we?

One of the first acts of Pope Francis was to wash the feet of a Muslim woman on Maundy Thursday. And then he gave her a sausage roll. Lovely man! Why he even sent some soap round to the Tablet offices so that I could wash MY feet!

A gift from Pope Francis to Catherine Pepinster.

The hermeneutic of continuity still links the two papacies, but not for much longer! Catholicism is looking to the future again, not to the past (Jesus? Mary? Peter? Don't make me laugh!) This could energise a lot of people whose faith has grown stale.

God energises a Tablet journalist.

For a longer version of this article, see here.