Was Jesus married?

Prof. Karen King of Harvard University claims to have discovered a 4th century fragment of papyrus proving (as the great theologian Dan Brown claimed a few years ago) that Jesus was definitely married.

An exciting piece of papyrus.

Prof. King's translation of the papyrus is as follows:

And Jesus's mother-in-law scolded Him, saying, "It'll be a miracle if Thou ever makest anything of Thy life, and what's more Thou does not give my daughter enough housekeeping, Thou mayst think two sparrows are sold for a farthing, but in fact good quality sparrows can be as much as a penny each these days, what's more the donkey needs feeding, and Thou hast promised to remove that dried-up fig tree in the garden..."

St Leslie of Dawson.

This is not the first piece of papyrus that refers to Jesus having a wife. For example, there is the fragmentary "Gospel of St Leslie." This contains the famous "Sermon in the pub" in which Jesus is alleged to say "I can always tell when the mother-in-law's coming to stay; the pigs run into the sea." Another saying that Jesus is claimed to have uttered is: "I wouldn't say that my wife was fat but it would be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for her to enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

Most scholars think that the "Gospel of St Leslie" is a forgery. However, our Lord is not the only religious figure who may have had trouble with scolding relatives. For example, it is now generally accepted that Mrs Buddha used to scold her husband for sitting under a Bodhi tree all day long when there was work to be done.

Buddha! We're out of candles. Do something - we need enlightenment.

De Voyage of St Eccles, Chapter 2

1. So it came to pass dat Eccles and Anti Moly-ben-Dite went to de Pottymouth trane station, for to catch de Indian Pacific trane to Sidney.

2. And de statoinmaster at Pottymouth hardened his heart and said, "Lo! Dis dame is a well-known trubble-maker and she aint gonna go on any of our tranes unless you puts her in a wooden crate."

3. And Moly she was very wrathful, but she knew dat dere was no real chioce, if she wanted to see her beloved, he dat is called Pell.

4. So Eccles he made a crate out of de finest gopher wood. Lo, it was 4 cubits long, and nearly 2 cubits wide and 2 cubits deep. And in it he placed his beloved ant, together wiv a supply of de finest liqours and a wondrous engine called an iTroll, wot is able to send forth insullts to bloggs on de Internnet.



5. And de Pottymouth stationmaster hardened his heart and said, "Peradventure we shuold also handcuff and gag de old biddy? For she will scream 'woful!' in de nihgt, when de honest man sleepeth."

6. But Eccles he pointed out dat de regullatoins for transportin livestock on de trane said dat dey must not be creul to de animules. So it came to pass dat he buoght himself a Saver ticket (for he was Saved) and he placed his beloved anti in de gaurd's van.

7. And Anti Moly spake forth wiv her iTroll, sayin, "WOFL, WOFL, WOFL. I has got an Easter message for all traddy fanatical Cathlics. Easter is a time for buying chockolate eggs and smashin dem over de heads of sockpoppets. It aint got no uvver purpoise."

8. But de Internett connectoin faileth, and her vioce cryeth out in de wilderness, "WOFL" and no man heareth de Easter message of Anti Moly.



9. Thus dey came to Sidney, a city of great baeuty and cullture, where dey hath an opera house and signeth all de famuous operas, such as "De Barber of Pottymouth," by Micki Rossini, and "Gotterdamian," abuot de Twillight of de Bloggs.

10. So dey released Anti Moly from her wooden box, and she walked in de streets wiv Eccles, her saved nehpew, wot is loved by de Lord and gets Vallentine cards from Him (althuogh some saith dat it was a practical joke played by his creul bruvver Bosco).

11. And dey meets a Momron, who saith "G'day, yuong man. We has a projject to bapptise all de dead poeple wot can't say no. But we also bapptises people wot is old and decreppit, so maybe de old skellington lady wot walks wiv you wuold like to be bapptised?"

12. "Whom hath thou bapptised recently?" asks Eccles.

13. "We has done Gahndi, Buhdda, Mahommed, Atilla de Hun and Pop Pious X. Dey is now all good Momrons," saith de Momron, "but dey doesnt ware de magic undies like we does, of cuorse."




Dat's a pitcher of Gahndi, wot is now a Momron

14. And he spake the name of de magic undies; that is, de Abracada Bra, de Wonderbra and so on.

15.  But Anti Moly saith that she hath no wish to be bapptised, and they moved on in deir quest for de Cradinal known as Pell.



16. So dey came in due course to de Cathlic Cathedral of Sidney, wot is called St Mary's.

17. And dey saw dat de Easter Viggil Mass was gonna be cellebrated by Cradinal Goerge Pell, who got de job of carryin de Easter Candel into de Cathedral. Probabbly he gonna kiss it, as dat's wot Cathlics doth.

18. "We gonna attend dat!" shreiketh Anti Moly in glee, and she began to make her plans.

Here endeth de seckond chapter of de story of Eccles's voyage to Sidney.

---

Concluded here.

Damain Thopmson in Lost Angels

I has editted together de postins I made about Damain's visit to us in May, just before I started dis blogg, since dey may be new to some readers who wants to learn how to be saved like Bosco and me.

Hello dere Damain Thopmson and welcome to Lost Angels on behalf of me and my darlin bruvver Bosco, who will be along in a minnit when we hav stopped him chasin a mouse round de room - dem anti-Catlick tabblets aint doin much good, I muss say. Still at least he is usin de barfroom now, not licking hisself all over when he gits dirty. We is suprised dat you was lookin for de Cannabis Chappel, dats not us, we is de Calumny Chappel, and we'd like to welcom you. Bosco have got a luvly colletcion of iddles dat you can kiss and worhsip, some of wich I bin makin in my sclupture classes. Also de relicks of a reel matryr, a nun who dropped in not expectin to be a matryr liffe is full of suprises innit? See you soon, Damain.

Bosco sugessted to Damain dat he go and see Pastor Armi, hes one of de best guys in de Calamari Chappel. He'll put Damain rihgt about various thoeloggical points, viz, stop kissin iddles and start beeting up nunns.

Shall I tell dem bruvver dere of how we met Damain, who is in Lost Angels rihgt now doin research on donuts addiction? Perhaps de world is not yet reddy for de storry of you bein chassed down de street dressed as a nunn, while Damain told de cops dat he was Cardinal Richeliue, dem donuts sure is strong.

Well, I aint sure dat Damain's gonna be postin a new blogg yet awhile. He met my bruvver Bosco and me in Lost Angles, and den we overdossed on donuts. Bosco he is in hidin until he can change out of dat nunn's costumme (and de nunn is in hidin until she can change out of de Bosco Calumny Chappel clown vestmeants). Damain he is at de copshop explanin dat he aint reely Cardinnal Richeliue its jest a disgiuse he wares for Mass. I was hoppin to git to my sclupture class to make a new iddle, but in fact I am at de hosspital dressed as a nurse and helpin delliver a babby. We droped it on de hed as dat is what hapened to Bosco when he was born and hav you ever seen a finner figgure of a man? Dis may all take some time to sort out.

Here's a photo of Damain dat proofs what I say is true.



It aint easy bein in Lost Angles at de moment I kin tell you. We got Damain Thopmson addicted to dognuts (I is usin de Brittish spelling here), wich is havin a strange affect on him, makin him write bloggs about Achbishops wiv no shirts on. Den my dere bruvver Bosco he is a handfull too, but Mom sez I should kepe an eye on him an if he gets too excitted by de site of nunns, we must pray to de saintts to calm him down. Ah, I has just been infromed dat de guy wiv no shirt aint an Achbishop he's a Pop Iddle called R. Willaims, dats reely bad, Bosco will be worshippin him.

We bin havin a grate time wiv Damain in Lost Angles. He kept sayin "Givvus a gravven immage to bow dowwn to, I is missin dem," but we told him dey was forbiden didnt we, well except for de statues of de saints dat we keeps in our bedrooms to protect us, Bosco. I fink dat we definately got it wrong takin him to de dognut place, and you can tell by his blogg dat he is now in a very confussed state.

We has a lot of worries over my dere bruvver Bosco, his enthumiasms is always runnin away wiv him and we has to keep him under controll. At de momment we is struglingg to find de best meddication for him and dem anti-Catlick pills aint no good nosiree, I has to keep removin de dead mice dat he brings in to de Calumny Chappel, de Pasta hes gitting fed up wiv it. And de birds is worse, we had de Gospell "Is not two sparows sold for a penny?" and Bosco he gits out his money and says "It's nearly lunchtime I'll take a dozen." He aint nothin but wory to his neerest and deerest dats me his little bruvver Eccles.

No more anti-Catlick pills for you my dere Bosco, it aint no fun havin to empty your litter tray every day. Also dem dead birds is very hard to explane to de neigbours. Now dat I got de house tidy we has invitted Damain Thopmson for dinner, you got any idea what Catlicks eat, it can't just be dognuts can it?

Here is a pitcher of de Calumny Chappel picnic, dese social events is very good for de sole.



We has more urggent problems to deal wiv. I don't mean de fack dat de Calumny Chappel was struck by lightnin yesterdday and a big vioce shouted BLASHPEMERS at us, I is sure dere is an inocent explanation, perhaps it is mice. No, we has got to do somethin about our geust Damain, as he has taken off his shirt and is singin unussual songs like "Pray", "I Found Heaven" and "How Deep Is Your Love", I geuss dey is Cathlic hynms but its very annoyin to de neihgbors at 4 a.m. All advise welcome.
P.S. Bosco, Jessus phoned up and wants to borow a bred knive, shall I take it out of de nuns boddy and wash it?

As I explaned abbove, we has got two big probblems to deal wiv:
1) De Calumny Chapel struck by lightnin and de vioce from Heaven saying "GIT RID OF DE SINNER BOSCO OR I'LL DO IT AGIN TOMMOROW."
2) Damain our housegeust who wont stop singeing Cathlic songs at 4 a.m. Dis "Shine" seems to be an arrangment of "Shine, Jessus, shine", wot I don't know. I fink I preferred it when he was singeing "I Found Heaven". Also we is out of dognuts and I has to go to de Cannabis Chappel to git some more.

It seems dat de Calumny Chappel biulding is gonna be out of use for a while as it was struck by lighnin again and a mighty vioce shouted "I WARNED YOU FOLKS DAT BOSCO AINT SAVED." Still de local lunatick assylumm is bein very freindly and lettin us use dere premisses aldough dey say dey arent traind to deal wiv reel nutjobs I aint sure what dey is refferin to, franckly.
You may have heard dat de cops is lookin for an evengellical in a nuns habit and dey has released a pitcher of him.



Bosco my dere it may be best for you to come home after dark tonite.

In fack Damain spent several happy days wiv my darlin bruvver Bosco and me, eatin dognuts and attendin servvices at de Lost Angels Funny Farm (incorpporatin de Calumny Chappel). We also sang de hynms from a grate pope group called Whats Dat, and danced some luvvly dances, as reccounted in Damain's bloggs. At de end Damain he said "Help I gotta go on a retreet dere must be a Cathlic proiry I can hide in dats got lots of iddles for me to kiss." Bosco he said he'd go alongg as well, cos he quite liks de novellty of goin to servvices where dey doesnt ask you to ware a straitjakcet. Damain werent very plaesed but we perssuaded him wiv a big stick. So at de momment we free mosquetears is unitted at Mappledurram.



Bosco my dere bruvver it turns out dat we are not in Mappledurram after all, but on a flim set in Hollywood. You can tell from de photo dat Damain took, dem's not Domminican fryers dey is actors I fink one of dem is Tom Criuse. Also I is very good at jography and I fink it takes more than 1 hour to get to Enggland (aint dat nere India?) De uvver posibility is dat we is in some sort of hopsital, did you notiss dat de winders got bars on and some of de rooms has got padded walls? Damain he says dat he is bein driven mad by trolls on his blogg, and needs a rest, I fink dat its a Cathlic superstittion. But I still wonder why Tom Criuse is here. Anyway you gotta go now a man in a white cote has invitted you to have a lay down on a cuoch dat may be a Cathlic ritaul. See ya later Bosco.

Bosco my dere bruvver, I found out de name of dis place where we is stayin wiv Damain, it is de Mappledurram Rest Home for Nervos Wrekcs. I hopes you got on OK wiv de man in de white coat. I bin talkin to Tom Criuse in de next room who aint very keen on Jessus but he says you could be a 3rd Level Thetan of Xoonoo, was you by any chance born on de planet Plutto? I said I aint sure but maybe Mom can remmember. Meanhwile Damain is writtin some more bloggs, fortified by dognuts and de ocassional interlood when he go into de chappel to dance and sing de gratest hits of Wots Dat. Luv ya Bosco.

Bosco, I bin trying to convert Tom Criuse to de Cavalary Chapple doctrins dat we hold so dere, viz hittin nuns and writtin luvly bloggs, but he said dey was too wakcy even for him, and instead dat you shuold study to become a Level 4 Thetan, wich involves puriffyin de body of druggs such as dognuts. Lots of luv from bruvver Eccles, and de man in de white cote says you left a little statoo of de Verger Mary in his consulttin room, please come and git it.

Dis is what Tom Criuse looks like. He seems perfickly normal to me.



Ullo, Bosco my dere bruvver, we sure is havvin a grate time at dis Mappledurram Home for de Dangerously Loony, aint we? I found de Priests Hole and I asked dem is it OK to lock up a nun down it, like we does at the Calumny Chappel, but dey said no dat aint what its for. Meanhwile Damain he is busy writin a blogg its a pity dat hes only alowed to use a crayon so dat he dont hurt hisself but he is a man dat has suferred much from de evil bisshops of de Magick Circus. Now Bosco, Dr Fraud he sez its time for your therrypie agin and he have got a new peace of carpett for you to chew, dat will be nice, innit?

I was havvin a nice chat wiv Tom Criuse dis mornin, an he sez dat you orta stop dis Calumny Chappel stuff, Bosco, as its too strange, and concentarte on becomin a 4th level thetan, you could call youseelf St Xooboo, dere is a man from Pluto in Ward 19 who will tell you more about dis opportunity he got green skin and a tevelision arial in his hed.

Bosco my dere bruvver I got grate news dat dey is releasin us from de Mappledurram Home for Ravin Looneys to be precise dey sed dey cuold do nothin for us dats wonderfull innit? Tom Criuse he is very disapointed dat you aint gonna become a Level 4 thetan but he said dat if you ever gets dizzy spells and starts foamin at de mouf agin den you will have a walcum in his chruch of science fiction.

So it's great to be back in Lake Hellsinere after de trubbles we had in Lost Angels, and now Damian has been relleased and gone east to ressearch book adicttion life is gonna be quiet for a while.



Dis pitcher what was on Damain's blog is an iddle, dey calls him Buddah an he sits around all day not bein saved dats de way dem Cathlics behave. You can tell its a Cathlic fing as it sez Maryland on it and we know who Mary was, dat pesky woman in de Bibble who wouldnt shut up but kept singing dat her sole was mangifyin de Lord.

Finally Bosco your girlfiend sez she aint too happy about havin her pitcher on your blogg.



Note to readers - Bosco have got a new girlfiend since den, de luvvly Camila Van Pyre.