President Hollande explains laicity

As President Hollande tightens his grip on France, rejoicing that he is practically the only member of his government who does not yet have a criminal record, he explains to us the principle of laicity.

Empereur Hollande plans his campaign for "le mariage homosexuel."

FH: Eccles, mon vieux! KISS!

E: Please don't do that. It's a bit too French for me.

FH: Eh bien, watch yourself, mon brave, or I shall have to ask M. L'Inspecteur Clouseau to come in and re-educate you with his mighty baton.

Empereur Hollande instructs his elite police force in the best way of tackling demonstrators.

E: Now, votre Majesté, I gather you've been having a little trouble with manifestations against your plans for same-sex marriage?

FH: Nothing serious, Eccles, mon chère ami. A million here, a million there. It's easily dealt with - a little tear gas for the enfants de la patrie, and a few coups de pieds for the adults. Bonus points if you knock down a priest. The sans-culottes of 1789 were fighting for this moment.

E: Of course your country has a good record of protecting children, doesn't it? Wasn't there a little prince called Louis-Charles Capet, whom you bumped off in 1795, at the age of 10?

A dangerous ten-year-old.

FH: Ah yes, one of the high points of the Revolution. I've always felt that this was a particular moment of la gloire de la France. And now we are working towards another great moment.

E: What moment would that be, Sire?

FH: Equal marriage! No longer will we be constrained by morality, common sense or decency! Mes citoyens will be able to marry whoever they like, whenever they like. Family life - who needs it?

E: Well, not you, evidently. I gather that Ségolène wasn't Royal enough for you, and you ran off with Denis Trierweiler's wife instead?

I've realised that you're not Royal enough for me.

FH: Of course! L'état, c'est moi, as I always say.

E: You must be very proud when your police force assaults unarmed priests, whose only fault is that they object to your legislation?

FH: Yes, I'm enjoying every minute of it. Vive la France! Vive la laïcité! Vive les perversions!

Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour! The garçons en bleu bravely assault a monk.

(The full video is here.)

Guest blogger, Snowball the pig

Snowball the pig, star of Animal Farm.

Today we are pleased to be able to print an abridged version of the Telegraph blog by Snowball the pig, winner of the prestigious Orwell prize for his role in Animal Farm and his pioneering slogan about marriage: One man bad, two men better!

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What cheek! Vincent Nichols invoked the spectre of an Orwellian, totalitarian state in his Christmas Day sermon, when he referred to the Government's attempts to bring in same-sex marriage. Christmas is a time for preaching a message of love and sex, for getting drunk and watching The Wizard of Oz on the television, and for wearing red hats with white trimmings. It is NOT a time for talking about morals, for trying to explain good and evil, or for mentioning controversial figures like Christ.

If Vincent Nichols had merely done what most priests do on Christmas Day: talked in vague terms about Father Christmas, and elves, and perhaps told us what Christmas presents he'd received, then nobody would have taken any notice. But he deliberately outraged non-Christians by taking a moral stand.

My partner, Napoleon, agrees with me.

What makes it more outrageous is that the Pope is an ex-Nazi - yes, he is, he is, he was a personal friend of Hitler, I tell you. That alone should stop him from condemning totalitarianism, fascism, dictators, or anything else. Bog off back to your bunker, Ratzinger, what makes you think you have any authority? Did you get an Orwell prize like me, or Polly Toynbee, or even Johann Hari?

The Pope, in the uniform of the Hitler youth, does a Nazi salute.

Well, that's put the Catholic church in its place - as the paramilitary wing of the National Socialists - so let me drone on a bit about Clause 28, that infamous piece of legislation which said that every day schools had to conduct a compulsory Two Minutes Hate for homosexuals. My own school didn't do this - in fact, they didn't mention homosexuality at all, except in geometry lessons, where some of the diagrams taught me how to find a loving life with another man.

Clause 28 banned diagrams like this, which taught me about sex.

Gosh, we had enough trouble reducing the age of consent to 16. You may say that boys of 16 aren't ready for sex, but of course the person they have sex with is often a fat man 20 years older, and he's not only ready, he's dying for it! Anyway, we won that battle, and now we're ready for the final battle - the complete take-over of marriage.

The Archbishop's relentless campaign - which lasted all of ten minutes - makes me more determined that the change must come. As I'm typing this I can hear the howling winds, still, loudly outside my window; the waves crash onto the shore, and the rocks on the beach are slowly worn down. Which is very odd, as I'm in a padded cell in London. I think I need more medication. Nurse!

Beasts of England, Beasts of Ireland...

De escapped loony

Well, we ain't had much luck selling Bosco's suol so far. We got some professionnal auctoineers to value it, but dey said dat it was so dirty and corrupt dat noboddy wuold want it. So we is keepin it on de market in case a surprise bidder turns up wot aint too fussy.

Bosco has been honoured by de Calumny Chappel for his stirling evangellical work, dey is gonna put his imagge on de wall, to go wiv de cement doves.



Some poeple say dat dis is a gravven image, but it's OK provided you doesnt kiss it, and dere aint much chance of dat. It sure is a good likeness of my handdsome bruvver Bosco.

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De uvver news of my bruvver is dat we is gonna have a Calumny Chappel Nattivity Play, which is somefink to do with Chritsmas. Bosco has got de starrin roll as de back end of Mary's donkkey, becuase of his luvvly blogg. My bruvver wanted to play de part of Mary, as he finks dat she is a very improtant pusson, so he went along to de audditoins, but didnt get de job.



Bosco offerred to put on a blue dress, but dey said a man wiv a clown face wasnt gonna look much like Mary, whereas he alreddy looked like de back end of a donkkey.

Anti Moly feels very left out. Even dough she aint relligiuos she does take a grate interrest in dese matters, and allways wants to stick her ore in. Howevver, de Gopsell of Luke dont mentoin an old lady wot kept cryin out "Woefull," "Sockpoppet," and "Wheres de gin?" so we is a bit stuck. Bosco said we cuold write in a part for Haddach, de comic Anti of Mary, to get a few laughs, since we in de Calumny Chappel adds bits to de Bibble and deletes bits when we feels like it. But Pastor Al Shehperd refused to allow it.

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An odd fing wot happened todday was dat I got a phone call from de local Loony Bin sayin "We has lost a loony, has you seen im? He gotta dellusion dat he is a preist, and calls himself Farver Arfur. Or sometimes he finks he is Napolleon."

Well we knows a Farver Arfur, but he claims to be a real preist. He showed me a badge dat he was givven by de Pop, who kissed him on de cheeks and said he was a good and fateful savant (it seems dat Farver Arfur repplied "I wish I cuold say de same abuot you, but you is a traddy Pop and orta be ashammed of yousself for writin all dem horrid fings in Lattin"). Dat surely proves dat Arfur is a real preist.



"I is also a grate freind of my Bishopp," explaned Farver Arfur, "cos I keeps phonin him up and tellin him dat he has offended against de Catacoms of de Churhc, specificaly Articles 2477, 3142, 6666, 2718281828, and 1111122222 to 1111177777 inclussive."
"Does you see him in de Cathedrall?" asked Bosco. "I spose he's got a Babble-onion fish hat, cos he aint saved like me."
"Yup, and he has got a specail place for me, dat I sits on when I goes to the Cathedrall."
"Gosh, you has got your own throan, den?"
"Nope, de Bishopp calls it de nuaghty step, and he says I gotta sit dere until I learns to behhave in a more Chritsian fashoin. Dat's a wicked act on his part, we experts calls it de sin of Diffraction."

So it is definittely a mysterry whevver Farver Arfur and de escapped loony is one and de same. Here is a recent pitcher of our freind rellaxin in his spare set of clothes dat he wears when he aint bein a cosstume hollyman.



He is plannin to go to Moscow some time, I fink. It aint bad except in de winter.