A tribute to Richard Dawkins

Last week saw the 72nd birthday of Professor Richard Dawkins, scientist, theologian and comedian; we are happy to reprint some tributes to the great man, which we found hidden away on http://www.richarddawkins.net/.

FACT: Dawkins shares his birthday with Fred Karno, inventor of the custard-pie gag.

Richard, I was a devout Catholic until the age of three, when my teddy-bear's head fell off. I prayed for it to be mended, but nothing happened. At that point I realised that God was an illusion, and that the Bible was a tissue of lies. Thank you for letting me share my pain with the world, so that no more three-year-olds suffer as I did. S. Fry.

Richard answers: Well, that sums up the whole fallacy of Christianity, doesn't it? Thank you for sharing those wise words with us.

Nancy Pelosi, a strong opponent of Catholic teaching, also shares Richard's birthday.

Dear Professor Dawkins, I just saw a bus go by with the message THERE'S PROBABLY NO GOD on it. Genius! I'll bet that Julian of Norwich and Thomas à Kempis never thought of that one! If only they'd known of your brilliant arguments, they'd never have wasted their lives as they did. P. Toynbee.

Richard answers: Yes, they tell me I am very good at presenting powerful slogans without any distracting attempts at justifying them!

And Pierre Boulez, another misunderstood genius.

Dear Mr Dawkins we read the God Delusion at school, and it is so clever when it says that bringing kids up as Catholics is like child abuse. Also when you talk of sky fairies and men in dresses I see just how stupid it is to believe in God. My teacher tells me that you are a very clever man who invented genes, and so I know that what you said must be true. A. Grayling (aged 9).

Richard answers: Yes, your teacher is right, I am a very clever man. Well done.

Leonard Nimoy, another cult figure, shares Richard's birthday.

Richard, will you stop wasting your time on that dreadful egotistical website. The chicken has escaped again, and K9 needs a walk. Love, Lalla.

Richard answers: Yes, dear, of course.

Also, William Hague, Foreign Secretary.

Infidel dog of a Dawkins, I hurl my shoes in your general direction. Unclean pig of an atheist, beware lest you suffer the death of a thousand cuts! Best regards, Abu McTavish.

Richard answers: Oh dear, have we been hacked again?

Shaking up the Latin Mass

The Credo, with a few embellishments suggested by this new guide to worship.

Fr Brian Peter George St John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno in prayer

Fr Brian: Well, we're now at the stage in our exciting new ecumenical Latin Mass where we say the Creed, which is a list of things that some of us may believe in. Don't feel left out if you don't - even I wouldn't go along with all of it! Now before we get started, would anyone like to do a liturgical dance? Yes, Salome, dear? Well, all right, but only take off six veils this week, please.

A bit of light relief before the Creed

Congregation: Credo in unum Deum, Patrem omnipotentem, factorem caeli et terrae, visibilium omnium et invisibilium. Et in unum Dominum Jesum Christum Filium Dei unigenitum. Et ex Patre natum ante omnia saecula.

Fr B: Phew! Time for a break, eh, folks? By the way, if anyone thinks that they are particularly loved by God, they shouldn't hesitate to wave their hands in the air while reciting the creed, just so that we can see who they are!

"Jim, what's wrong with the couple next to us? They're not lifting their hands."

C: Deum de Deo, lumen de lumine, Deum verum de Deo vero. Genitum, non factum, consubstantialem Patri: per quem omnia facta sunt. Qui propter nos homines, et propter nostram salutem decendit de caelis.

Fr B: Well, I think we've earned another break there. Sit down for a bit and tell your neighbours how Jesus came into your lives. This service is about YOU, remember, not just about God.

(Here the congregation may tell their neighbours about what happened at the grapefruit counter in Sainsbury's, or it may be the local garden centre, between the weedkiller and the fertilizer.)

Do you think that statue would look nice in our church?

C: Et incarnatus est de Spiritu sancto ex Maria Virgine: Et homo factus est. Crucifixus etiam pro nobis: sub Pontio Pilato passus, et sepultus est. Et resurrexit tertia die, secundum Scripturas. Et ascendit in caelum: sedet ad dexteram Patris.

Fr B: Now for a random happening. I've taken one of my oblique strategy cards from the pack, and it says "See how many Biblical characters you can think of whose names begin with S." Any offers? Yes... Saul, Samuel, Solomon, Sampson, Simon, Stephen, yes. Gets harder now, doesn't it? Seth, Salome, Sarah, Simeon, Shadrach, Silas, ... No, Nigel, I don't think Scottie, Sherlock and Spock were in the Bible. Look, it was St Peter who did the Vulcan Death Grip, Nigel, he did it on Ananias. On with the Creed, now, folks!

Probably not in the Bible.

C: Et iterum venturus est cum gloria, judicare vivos et mortuos: cujus regni non erit finis. Et in Spiritum sanctum, Dominum, et vivificantem: qui ex Patre Filioque procedit. Qui cum Patre et Filio simul adoratur, et conglorificatur: qui locutus est per Prophetas.

Fr B: Phew! That was a toughie. Shall we get the musicians to play us something spiritual on their guitars and recorders? How about the theme tune from Neighbours? As St Kylie de Minogue says in her memoirs: "Everybody needs good neighbours."

C: Et unam, sanctam, catholicam, et apostolicam Ecclesiam. Confiteor unum baptisma in remissionem peccatorum. Et expecto resurrectionem mortuorum. Et vitam venturi saeculi. Amen.

Fr B: Well done, everyone! Kids up to the front now, you know what's coming soon...

The priest is not strictly necessary at this stage in the service

Star Trekk

De world is waitin for de full story of how Bosco met de characters from Star Trekk, when he was a little kid. De way he tells it is dat Leiutenant Uhurra (Nichele Nicholls) came to a party at our huose, and he was asleep upstares, but de reallity is rather different.

We was little kids, and in de bedroom Bosco was asleep, dreemin sweetly dat he was beetin up some nuns. I was awake finking about de probblems of being saved. What happenned was dat four Star Trekk characters turned up in our bedroom, as de sensers on de Entreprise told dem about a strangge creecher dat lived dere.



De lady in de party was indeed Leiutenant Uhurra, she screemed when she saw my bruvver Bosco, but otherwise she didnt say much. De one wiv de big ears is called Sock. He took a long look at my darlin bruvver Bosco and said "Dat's life, Jim, but not as we know it! I don't fink dis creecher is saved."

De leeder chap was called Kerk, dat means churhc, so we cuold tell he was relligiuos. "We abhorrs vilence at all times," he said, "but den we doesn't want dis freek to turn into a Cathlic. I fink I'll soften him up wiv de phassar, just to be on de safe side."

He fired de phassar at Bosco's head, but de deadly rays just buonced off, sometimes it is useful to have a crannium as hard as concreet.

De remainin chap was called Bons, and he was a doctor. He was very interresed by dis skelleton dat was given us by de Calumny Chappel for us to pray to in de bedroom at nihgt, and he was sure dat it was saved.



Anyways, de Star Trekk crew decidded dat Bosco was not much of a threat to civillization (dey did say dat hundreds might die of boredom when dey heard him preechin, but dats reely not nice, it's only been a dozzen at most so far). So Kerk said "Beem us up, Spotty," and den dey all vannished.

My Anti Moly says dat Captin Kerk visitted her too when she was yuonger; dey even had a short rommance cos dat's what always happens in dem storries. Dis is a pitcher of dem bein affectionnate.