Parish of St Daryl the Apostate

Father Arthur writes:

REINTERPRETING ST PAUL. Today's epistle of St Paul to the Ephesians is a challenge to us, isn't it? How can St Paul's words "Wives should be subject to their husbands as to the Lord" possibly apply in the 21st century?

Of course, what Paul really meant was that one member of each married couple should be designated the "husband," while the other should be designated the "wife." It is not necessary for the husband to be male, nor the wife to be female. Indeed, in our modern world, where couples may be same-sex, transgendered, or "don't-know," it is important to escape from sexual stereotyping. St Paul, although he suffered from the disadvantage of living in a world where access to birth-control, abortion and pornography were severely limited, would certainly have agreed that this is the only way to go.

In our family, I'm the one who wears the trousers.

FREE MASS ON. This week, St Daryl's was pleased to welcome our Masonic brethren for a truly ecumenical Mass. Although, technically the Vatican has shown a slight disapproval of freemasonry in the past, as in Pope Ignitus's frankly-worded Encyclical De Masone Comburendo, we freely admit that we at St Daryl's are in the vanguard when it comes to liberal thinking. We all had a great time at the "Free Mass," especially when I said "roll up your trouser legs" and the congregation replied "we roll them up unto the Lord." Moreoever, the "funny handshake of peace" with our neighbours was another innovation that we may well use again in future weeks.

Masons - helping us to build bridges.

PUSSY RIOTS. Likewise, we at St Daryl's are showing our support for the so-called "Pussy Riot" girls, who attempted to bring the fresh air of liberalism into the stuffy old Orthodox church. We are making a humble gesture of solidarity with these heroic rebels against misogyny, capitalism and (Fr Pau, please find out what they were actually demonstrating against and fill in something here. Thanks) as this photo, taken before Sunday's Mass, indicates.

Our altar-servers, in their new vestments, waiting for "kick-off."

ST DARYL'S CAR PARK. In this era, when the main spiritual issues that concern us are global warming, climate change, the melting of the ice caps, and the extinction of fluffy polar bears, it is obviously unreasonable for us to come to church by car (Michael Mann, our churchwarden, has done a statistical analysis and says that every time a car parks at St Daryl's a fairy dies). Therefore, we have begun work to convert the church car park into a bus station, complete with a fast food outlet, newsagent's and "gay" bar (all profits to church funds). Unfortunately, this has necessitated the demolition of our shrine to the blessed St Daryl, but we must all make sacrifices in the name of progress.

The environmentally friendly way to travel to Mass.

LATELY DEAD. Keir Bertrand Russell Lenin Jones, age 85. Stanley Baldwin Kitchener Allenby Robinson, age 94. (Miss) Laurel Hardy Chaplin Groucho Brown, age 83.

RECENT BAPTISMS. David Harper Seven United Smith. Gaga Beyoncé Wilson. Julian Assange Ecuador Asil Nadir Taylor.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2:23.

Bosco beginns trainin

Well, we all fuoght dat my big Bruvver Bosco was gonna retire to a convent, and maybe train as a nun - in dese days of eqaul opportunnities, dey cant stop him if he wants to. But he left de convent, cos he felt dat as saved pusson de contemplattive life (dat means finking a lot) werent for him.

Bosco also had a bust-up wiv Camila, his main girlfiend, who didnt like him spendin all his time wiv uvver girls - not even nuns, who aint allowed erottic pleassures of de flesh like holdin hands wiv Bosco. I asked Bosco if his girl had dumped him, but he said "No, I has dumped her."



Now Bosco says he met an ex-preist 90th degree freemasson warrlock, who told him dat if you wishes to be promotted in de Cathlic churhc you gotta be a warrlock. Poeple may mock Bosco, but here is de sort of evvidence he got.



Well, Bosco has decidded to get to de hart of de matter, and so he have enrolled on a trainin program dat will make him a 90th degree freemasson warrlock, and thus in a positoin to control de Cathlic churhc. So far he is just a 1st degree novvice, but promotoin is fast, if you pays reggular subscriptoins. Bosco aint been given his own appron yet, but he has been tuaght de secret handshake. Here it is bein demonstarted by two bishops. Aint dat conclussive proof dat senoir clergy gotta be freemassons?



Well we awates wiv excitement de news of Bosco's furver traning. He says dat rolled-up truoser-legs comes into it next, but wuoldnt it be simpler just to ware shorts?

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Late news: Anti Moly has told me dat we is takin a trip to Sidney, as de time has come to confront Cradinal Pell wiv his past. Anti Moly fuoght of dressin me up as a baby and taking me in a pram, so dat she cuold prettend dat I was de illegittimate son of dis cosstume holly man. But it wuoldnt be very convincin, since it is 50 years since dey knew each uvver, and anyways you cant farver illegittimate kids wiv a girl if you runs off and jumps into a billaboing every time you sees her. Its a well-known method of avvoidin de probblem of unwanted babies, as dis pitcher shows.

Going striaght

Well, Damain was releesed from prisson, after de pussonal intervention of bruvver Borris, and he has vowed to go striaght, i.e. do nuffin dat will upset de Pop, wot secretly controlls de Pollice in Enggland. Bosco tells me dat dey is all Freemassons, you see, and goes around wiv dere truoser legs rolled up. Dats why de Pop wears a dress so you can't see dat he got rolled up truoser legs underneaf.

So you will not see Damain doin any of dese fings dat saved poeple like my bruvver Bosco does.

1. Shout "I is saved and you isn't buster" frew de winder of de hospittal to encourrage poeple what is dyin.
2. Dress up as a clown and go to de Calumny Chappel.
3. Get his spiritaul nuorishment from forbbidden books like de Bibble in de origginal version written by King James.

Instead, he is gonna do the followin.

1. Say "I fink dat de ordinnariate is a wonderfull fing and it wuold be a good fing if de Magic Circus bishops didnt keep tryin to pioson Monsingors Newtton, Burnnham and Broahdurst."
2. Dress up in a shabby siut and go to de Mass.
3. Get his spiritaul nuorishment from Twiter.

Damain sure was aged by bein in prisson. Dis is what he looks like now.



Actaully, we aint feelin very happy wiv Damain right now. It turns out dat before he was arressted he made anuvver trip to Lost Angels to research his new book on dognut addiction (dat's why on Twiter dey calls him "Holey Snack"). He didnt even tell Bosco and me dat he was gonna be there, so he missed out on all de delihgts of minglin with saved poeple. Why even Anti Moly had planed to take him to a gin pallace. We is all deeply offendded.

Bosco has ressumed de BOSCO FOR POP campaing. He finks dat de best way to make himself poppular wiv Cathlics is to prettend he is Gerrman like de Pop. De only Gerrmans he knows about are de Nazzis, so he dressed himself up like a Nazzi and went into de street to make a speech, he fuoght it would go well like dem Nurrenbug Relays.



"Follow me gut pople and you vill be saved," said my dere bruvver Bosco. "Ze Pop is an old man, und it is time dat ve had a new Foorer who vill torcher dem what aint saved. Heil Bosco!"

De pollice explaned politly to Bosco (by hittin him wiv dere battons) dat Nazzis are not very poppular dese days. Bosco told dem dat secrettly de Pop hid Hittler in de Vattican when de war ended in 1945. Dat didnt make any diference, de pollice carried on hittin my bruvver Bosco.

My Anti Moly says dat when she was yuong she was engagged to Herrman Gorring, but she fuoght he was a bit of a windbag and broke off de engaggement. Dis is one of de ironnies of histry, cos if my Anti had been less fussy, dere mihgt have been no World War 2.

Dis is a pitcher of de man wot frew himself at Anti's feet.

Free massons

Bosco fuond some interrestin articles about free massons todday, and de Calumny Chappel asked him to give a letcher on de subject. Dis is an honour dat dey gives to grate shcolars wot is able to edducate themsselves by using Wikkipedia and Goggle. (Bosco never got a Unniversity degree. He studdied Anattomy at UCLA in de evenings, but he had to stop dat when dey put curtians on de girls winders.)

He told us dat de Pop is a free masson dats how he got to be Pop cos lots of de carddinals wot voted for him is also free massons. When dey goes into de conclav to ellect a Pop dey has to roll up dere trouser legs (apparrently dese costtume holly men wears trousis under dere cossacks, we knows someone who looked frew de winder of de changin room), and dey got a funny handshake which dey calls de blessin.

De Calumny Chappel is very impressed by Bosco's letchers, cos dey gonna save lots of poeple. Dey has already put up a posster advertisin de next one he's gonna give.



Bosco he aint so impressed by dis, and he finks dat dey shuold use dis posster, which shows dat he is a powerfful figger able to take on nuns single-handed.



We is findin it hard to make ends meet rihgt now, so I gotta put in two more adverts.

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BUY BOSCO SYRRUP!



EVERRYONE KNOWS DAT BOSCO IS THICK AND RICH.

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EVEN LITTLE PHOLAS CAN BE SAVED.



Is your doggie Gayy or Lebsian? De Calumny Chappel, in assocciation wiv de BLT poeple, has got a Calumny Chappel Dove Cossack, for de doggie wot needs savin.

Sorry, Anti Moly, dis is SEX, but Bosco said it was OK, cos it's only doggies.