Near-death experiences

In view of a near-death experience claimed by Dr Eben Alexander, which is the basis of his new book Proof of Heaven, we asked some of the regular characters appearing on this blog to describe their own near-death experiences.

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Bosco, worshipper at the Calvary Chapel, and saved person.

Hello, could I speak to Jesus, please?

Eccles, you poor sick monkey, I had a rotten experience when I tried to save a convent of nuns, and I was badly beaten up by them. As I lay in hospital, near to death, I found that I was standing outside the Gates of Heaven, explaining to St Peter that all Catholics were idolaters, and should be sent to the Lake of Fire. "I am saved, even more than you are," I told him. "I've come for my throne and my golden crown."

St Peter is shocked by Bosco's blog.

"Ah, Bosco," said St Peter. "I've been reading your blog, and we've got a totally different fate for you..."

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Damian Thompson, formerly a religious journalist.

Damian is the one alone at the front, whom nobody else will talk to.

The first thing that struck me about St Peter, when I saw him, was that he was putting on weight. In fact, the whole tone of Heaven was very disappointing, and I was totally unimpressed with the angels, who were definitely smirking at me. The music was not Gladys Mills plays Beethoven, as I had been led to expect, nor even something by my friend James MacMillan, but a dirge that sounded like an eternal repetition of "Alleluia Ch-ch."

Angels - what dreadful hair styles they have.

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Moly, aunt of Eccles and Bosco.

A recent photo of Moly.

Well I don't believe in God or Heaven, but I did have a very strange dream last night when I finally dropped off. I was in Paradise, wearing my new Moly Number 5 cigarette- and gin-scented perfume. But I was surrounded by possums, all jumping up and down, and there wasn't a bottle of gin to be had anywhere. "It's endless torment for you," said a loud voice to me, probably one of those bullying traddy Catholics. Woeful.

Vicious possums. They're out to get me. I know it.

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Father Arthur, of the Church of St Daryl the Apostate.

I'm a priest in good standing, you know.

Well, I wasn't going to stand any calumny from the man waiting for me at the Gates of Heaven, so I got my attack in first. "May I remind you, 'Saint' Peter, that as recorded in the 26th chapter of the book of St Matthew, and elsewhere, you denied Christ on no less than three occasions? Does that give you the right to comment on the behaviour of other people? I am a priest in good standing, with no time for your traditionalist ways. Haven't you people heard of Vatican II? Now clear off, and let me do your job properly for you."

The Last Judgement. But Fr Arthur will willingly give you a preliminary verdict.

Bosco is fuond

Dere is grate cerebration in our household becuase de Prodigious Son, viz my dere bruvver Bosco, have been returned to us. He is in a somewhat dazed state, babblin incoherrently, but dat is perfickly normal for him, so we aint worried.

We has been thinkin of killin de fatted claf for Bosco. De Calumny Chappel have got one, but dey wont lend him to us. Here is a pitcher of de beest in quetsion, wot is gonna be saved.



Now I'd better explane what happenned. We got a tellephone call from de local Cathlic Churhc to say dey had kindapped Bosco to stop him savin poeple, dey will stop at nuffink dem Cathlics.

Bein Cathlics and used to methodds of torcher, dey had locked up poor Bosco in a dunngeon. He was keepin up his spirrits by singing hynms about how he was saved, washed in de blud of de Labm, and reddy to collect his golden crown at de check-in at Heaven's Gate. Indeed, he had alreddy sent a prayer to Jessus wiv detales of de mesurements of his head, it aint much fun spendin eternitty wiv a crown dat don't fit.



Well, de Cathlics wanted $10,000 ransome, or dey said dey was gonna send him back to us. "We dont want dis gibberrin idoit singin here all day long," dey said. "We got some seroius iddle-worshippin to get on wiv. Give us de duogh and we'll make sure he dissappears."

De Calumny Chappel was very keen on payin de ransome, as dey said $10,000 was a reel bargian, to be rid of Bosco for ever. But I is a luvvin bruvver and refussed to pay, so dese Cathlic feinds sent Bosco home again. I did suggest dat dey cuold take my Anti Moly in exchange, but dey didnt want her.

Still, dis gave me an idea, and so we has put an advert in de newspapper placin our Anti Moly on de markett.

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OLD LADY NOW AVIALABLE TO A GOOD HOME

WE WILL PAY $10,000 IF YOU'LL TAKE HER AWAY





VERY USEFULL IF YOU NEEDS ANY SCREEMIN DONE

COMES WITH SPARE SET OF FLASE TEETH

FOND OF CHILDDREN, BUT WILL ALSO EAT SNAKES, SCROPIONS, WELL ANYFINK REELY

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So far noboddy is very interrested.

Savin de doctor

We had de doctor ruond to see Anti Moly as she had an attack of roflitis, dats a serious illness she gets when she hears a joke and mannages to undderstand it (which frankly aint very often). She luaghs hysterically and cant stop rollin round de floor.

Here is a happy pitcher of Anti Moly luaghin fit to bust.



Well my bruvver Bosco is very concsientiuos, even when he is badly wuounded he don't forgit to save people. He discovvered dat de doctor was a Cathlic, and in spite of his bandagged state he managed to have a profuond thoelogical debate wiv him.



Bosco he told de doctor, "You see, we is gonna sit at de Lord’s feast, while many that finks demselves chosen shall be cast into outer darkness. If you is saved you is gonna wear a white robe and a golden crown in de New Jerussalem, and even poor dubm Eccles will be castin down his golden crown by de River of de Water of Life. I bin wuonded by dem viscious nuns, but I is soon gonna be born agin in a new body. Allaluia!"

De doctor has promissed to buy a cemment dove and put it on his wall to bow to, like we does in de Calumny Chappel.

He dont seem to be able to cure Anti Moly's roflitis, but he says she could git a dog as a comppanion an dis may help. De pet shopp have got a luvvly doggie dat mihgt be siutable for soemone of Anti Moly's temperamment. Dey say it is called Cerberrus but if we buys it, Anti finks it maybe needs to have 3 names as it got 3 heads (she was finkin of Micky, Rutzi and Rofls).



De other news is dat my bruvver is gonna be able to take off de banddages tommorow, de Lord sure is good at healin his chossen ones like Bosco.