Professor Eccles answers your questions

Q: Dear Professor Eccles, I was in London on Thursday, and will be in Rome on Sunday. When and where should I celebrate Ascension Day?

Professor Eccles makes a cup of coffee.

A: This is a difficult question, and to get a meaningful answer, you have to understand my General Theory of Doctrons. These are fundamental particles which emanate from a big machine in Rome called the Magisterium, and transmit Catholic doctrine round the world. Unfortunately, when they reach England they are often blocked on arrival by a chain of jamming devices on the south coast.

Arundel Cathedral - believed to contain a jamming device called a Cathedra.

Anyway, to answer your question, the moment your aeroplane flew over the Channel it would have been hit by a wave of doctrons, and so the correct answer is that you should celebrate Ascension Day the moment that the "Fasten Seatbelts Sign" has been switched off.

A "flying bishop" demonstrates the latest in pneumatic chasubles.

While I'm here, let me tell you of another exciting scientific discovery: the Hereson, or anti-God particle. This one acts as an anti-Doctron: to detect it, scientists sent Hans Küng whizzing round a "collider" under the Alps at high velocity until he collided with Tina Beattie.

Hans Küng meets Tina Beattie and emits a Hereson.

Well that's enough science for today, so let's finish with a photo showing some of the deadly effects of Hereson radiation.

The deadly effects of Hereson Radiation.

Deelin wiv herretics

My darlin bruvver Bosco is gettin very interestted in histry now, since he discovered dat de Roman Cathlic church used to git cross wiv herretics, dey used to knock on de door in de middle of de nihgt and shout "You aint saved, herretic. De Pope says Ha Ha Ha." Den dey used to stretch em on de rack while toastin em over de fire, hence de expresion "toast rack".

Nowadays dey just welcoms dem in and says "I dont spose you is interrested in bein saved, if it aint too presumptouos of me to mentoin it? Have a cup of tea while you is finkin it over." Dis aint a patch on what we does in de Calvados Chappel - we gits reely fierce wiv de unsaved and Bosco bites em in de leg. Dis aint oficcial pollicy, he just enjoys it, and its a useful suorce of protene for him.

Meanwhile we is gonna go and see our belovved Mom soon, to tell her how we is gittin on wiv de path to Salivation. We calls her Mummy sometimes, and here is a photo of her wavin to Bosco from her prisson cell, dey've let her out now.