Bosco beginns trainin

Well, we all fuoght dat my big Bruvver Bosco was gonna retire to a convent, and maybe train as a nun - in dese days of eqaul opportunnities, dey cant stop him if he wants to. But he left de convent, cos he felt dat as saved pusson de contemplattive life (dat means finking a lot) werent for him.

Bosco also had a bust-up wiv Camila, his main girlfiend, who didnt like him spendin all his time wiv uvver girls - not even nuns, who aint allowed erottic pleassures of de flesh like holdin hands wiv Bosco. I asked Bosco if his girl had dumped him, but he said "No, I has dumped her."



Now Bosco says he met an ex-preist 90th degree freemasson warrlock, who told him dat if you wishes to be promotted in de Cathlic churhc you gotta be a warrlock. Poeple may mock Bosco, but here is de sort of evvidence he got.



Well, Bosco has decidded to get to de hart of de matter, and so he have enrolled on a trainin program dat will make him a 90th degree freemasson warrlock, and thus in a positoin to control de Cathlic churhc. So far he is just a 1st degree novvice, but promotoin is fast, if you pays reggular subscriptoins. Bosco aint been given his own appron yet, but he has been tuaght de secret handshake. Here it is bein demonstarted by two bishops. Aint dat conclussive proof dat senoir clergy gotta be freemassons?



Well we awates wiv excitement de news of Bosco's furver traning. He says dat rolled-up truoser-legs comes into it next, but wuoldnt it be simpler just to ware shorts?

---

Late news: Anti Moly has told me dat we is takin a trip to Sidney, as de time has come to confront Cradinal Pell wiv his past. Anti Moly fuoght of dressin me up as a baby and taking me in a pram, so dat she cuold prettend dat I was de illegittimate son of dis cosstume holly man. But it wuoldnt be very convincin, since it is 50 years since dey knew each uvver, and anyways you cant farver illegittimate kids wiv a girl if you runs off and jumps into a billaboing every time you sees her. Its a well-known method of avvoidin de probblem of unwanted babies, as dis pitcher shows.

Highlihgts of Damain's blogg

For dem wot hasnt been readin Damain Thopmson's blogg recently, I has sellected some of de highlihgts, and put dem in a sensible order, wot Diqsus can't do. You can see dat we is survivin very well in de absence of de Cathlics.

---

Damian Thompson

Was Opus Dei to blame?



I was in Australia last week, and came across the following news item. It's the only interesting thing I've seen recently with a religious theme, so I'm putting it on my blog in order to fill up space.

Delays to roadworks in Pottymouth

Essential road repairs in Pottymouth were delayed by two hours yesterday after a steam roller ran over a Roman Catholic priest, killing him instantly. Eye-witnesses said that the priest, who has not been named, jumped into the road to snatch a sweet golden-haired child out of the path of the steam roller, saving her life.

---

 ^MickyDross
A priest killed by a steamroller. ROFL.

 ^markus_raver
I see that the priest was running to grab a child, Mucky. This is just the sort of suspicious conduct that we expect from Catholic priests. On my uncle Richard Dawkins's site dawkins.ego.trip.com we have been discussing whether it should be made illegal for Catholic priests to walk down the street without wearing handcuffs. The consensus is that all priests should be hanged anyway, so handcuffs probably aren't necessary. As a scientist, I think that's fair, don't you, Mucky?

 ^wendyhouse
Surveys have shown that men are 10% more likely to be run over by a steamroller than women. This is yet another argument in favour of the immediate ordination of women as bishops. When it the Catholic church going to advance into the 1960s and create a Mome rather than a Pope?

 ^sanityclause
What's the use of my struggling through blizzards to the only Internet café within 1000 feet of the summit of Mount Everest, if Benedict Carter isn't here for me to be rude to? If he turns up with his gang of acolytes, tell him to go and
(Edited by a moderator)

 ^{deborahcomplains}
I see that Peter Mullen is still alive, even though he has passed the Biblical limit of three score and ten years. Doesn't this man have the decency to realise that the Anglican church has no place for people like him? Why doesn't he throw himself under a steam roller?

 ^stcuttley
I hope you don't mind my mentioning this, but we are having great trouble with my lovely daughter, who wants to go on a singing trip to the South Pole. The school has asked me for an indemnity of £10,000 in case her singing drives any penguins to drown themselves. Do you think I should pay it? P.S. Sorry to read about the priest being squashed.

 ^Holpemboob
A priest squashed by a steam-roller? Is there supposed to be a problem with that?

 ^{Moly Bendit}
Woeful, isn't it, the way that fanatical Catholics insist on interfering with a child's right to sit in front of a steam-roller. It's typical of the disgraceful conduct we've come to expect from the clique of traddy Catholics and their sockpuppets.

My uncle, Black Jack of Pottymouth, used to drive a steam-roller through the streets when I was a litte girl, and he would never have dreamt of stopping for any children or priests in his path.

Such is life, eh.

 ^Eccles
This comment is awaiting moderation

 ^{Moly Bendit}
Eccles,

I do not read your blog. It contains nothing but lies about stbosco, and me, and our families. I counted 109 insulting and defamatory statements in your postings last month. What's more, I am not your great-aunt, I am not pining for the love of Cardinal Pell, and I do not have a problem with gin. So there's no point saying all these things in your blog, as I won't read them. Why doesn't the Telegraph do something about your comments?

I am always in bed by 8 p.m. GMT, so stop pretending that I stay up all night.

Moly (yes, I was formerly Judy8, but I was never banned, after that I was AlfredHaddock, but I don't use sockpuppets).

 ^Eccles
Dem's creul words, Anti Moly
(Edited by a moderator)

 ^MickyDross
Moly, you know that Damian doesn't try to enforce the Telegraph Terms and Conditions. He lets Catholics insult everyone without doing anything to stop it. But when I try to post pictures of rotting carcasses or to make fun of young girls, my posts get reported by the Catholics and promptly deleted. It's so dreadfully unfair.

 ^Daz
As a 'whimsical' old man who likes 'apostrophes' I was 'wondering' whether the 'priest' who met such a sad 'end' was held in high 'e-steam' by his colleagues, and was simply looking for a new 'role'. After his 'experiences' he was obviously feeling a bit 'crushed' and must have felt that 'life' was leaving him a little 'flat'. My best regards to you, Daz.

 ^{Moly Bendit}
Daz,

When I was a member of the Pottymouth Festival Choir, they said I was the flattest singer they had. Woeful, isn't it?

 ^drivelbrown
Now that the rabit and his Iberian stable of sockpuppets have gone away (it is obvious that Benedict Carter, Tro, Hamish Redux, Golden Chersonnese, Damon, Annie, Jadis, Puddleglum, Johnhenry, Fizzypilgrim and Terry Tubby are all expatriates living in the Iberian peninsula, probably all in the same house), we may hope that the Catholic church will move quickly to a modern pro-abortion policy, and replace all its altars by snooker tables.

 ^GayCat
Did I ever mention that I am gay and my boyfriend is a Catholic archbishop? I know you all wanted to hear this.

 ^{Moly Bendit}
GayCat,

Don't trust archbishops, I could tell you a thing or two about my experiences with Cardinal
(Edited by a moderator)

Damain, Datin and Dakwins

We had a short visitt from Damain Thopmson, who is finishin off his book about addictoin. He says dat it is a strange fing but he can't stop writin books. "I'll just do one more," he says, but den he finds dat he needs annuvver, and annuvver. De next one is gonna be de boigraphy of Joanne Hairy, a chap dat he reely admires.



Dat's de cosstume Damain wears in churhc, so dat de preist knows he gotta Ph.D. and a blogg of his own, and dont try bein clevver in his sermon.

Anyway, Damain was resaerchin a chapter on Innternet Addictoin, so we let him observe Anti Moly one evenin, as she picked up de gin bottle and started bloggin. We got de usaul cries of "Woful!", "Sockpoppet!" and "Dem muddlerators has deleted all my sutbly crafted insults again!" At about 3.30 a.m. Damain staggered out of de room, bleary-eyed.

"Is Anti goin to bed now?" I asked.
"Bed? Nope she says she's good for anuvver 2 hours yet," mumbled Damain, "but I finks I got enuogh materail for an entire chapter on addictoin, obsessoin and fannaticism."

---

My love-sick Anti Moly is gettin a bit anxiuos about Cradinal Pell, so I suggested dat we take her to a datin agency. Dey gave her a form askin her what kind of date she wanted, and she put "Cradinal," finkin of Cradinal Pell, aldough I dont spose dey has many cradinals singed up wiv de agenncy.



Dis is a pitcher of de big machine dey uses to help poeple find romanntic happinness, togevver wiv two satissfied cusstomers.



Dey scanned my Anti Moly and said "Eccles, dis relick you has bruoght in is about 100 years old, even if it seems much more decayed dan dat." Well, you has geussed it, dey misread Anti's rotten handwrittin and did crabon datin on her instead.

We is gonna have to take de direct appraoch and go to Sidney to find Cradinal Pell.

---

Little Markus de boy scuot keeps us up to date wiv de activvities of his Uncle Dakwins, and he burst into tears when he fuond out dat Dakwins was in prisson. He had attempted to arrest Farver Arfur, de preist in good stand-in, who was back in England, and goin aruond under de new allias of A.K.A. Givin such a silly name ("Ullo, I is Farver Aka"), Farver Arfur was easily located, but in de end dey arrested Dakwins for harrissin cosstume holly men in good stand-in. Here he is in goal.



Howevver, dere is a happy outcome, as far as little Markus is concerned. When he was in goal, Dakwins was visited by a pastor from de local Calumny Chappel, who put up de bale so dat Dakwins cuold be released.



Dis is de latest photto we has of Markus's uncle Dakwins. Perhaps after all he is gonna be saved.

Lookin after a boy scuot

De Flamfrowers Club, wot Anti Moly is a member of, telephonned us and said "Can you help us? We gotta very keen athiest kid here, whose uncle sent him from Enggland to braoden his educkatoin and keep him away from Cathlics. Has you got any room in your huose to put him up for a few days?"

"Yup, I spose so," said Anti Moly. "Dere's only my stuppid nehpew Eccles stayin here at present, and he sleeps in a dog kenell in de garden."

I dont fink my Anti Moly was bein very nice to her darlin nehpew, and we doesnt need anuvver unsaved pusson in de huose, but anyways, de kid came round to stay wiv us.



Dat's a photto of me, Eccles, and de kid, who is called Markus "Bluebottle" Enstein, his uncle is de famuous proffesor Dakwins, wot has got his own blogg like me, it's called we.worshipps.dakwins.com. Dey has now got a hard-hittin campaing goin on called "OUT" wiv clever sloggans like "It's a wash OUT," "We's been cauhgt OUT," and "I'm a drop OUT."

Little Markus pruodly showed me a photto of his uncle, dressed in de academick dress of Oxford Univeristy, where he is de proffesor of knowin a lot about everyfink.



Anti Moly aint bein a grate deal of help in lookin after little Markus (I dont fink dat 11-year-old kids orta stay up until 5 a.m., and den be givven gin on dere brekfast serials) so I has been keepin an eye on him. Markus said dat one fing he's been told to do while he's in Pottymouth is to join de boy scuot troop and convert dem all to athiesm.

"Has you got a woggle?" I asked Markus.
"Nope, Eggles," he repplied, "I just walks dis way cos I has a blister on my foot."

Markus aint very good wiv names, he calls me Eggles, and my dere sennile rellative is Anti Moley. Dere aint a boy scuot bagde for gettin people's names rihgt, but he when he was in Oxford he won bagdes for "Brakin wind in a Cathlic churhc," "Makin faces at de Pop" (on tellevisoin) and "Writin a powerfull and hard-hittin contributoin to de we.worshipps.dakwins.com blogg sayin dat all Cathlic preists is pevrets." Did I mentoin dat Uncle Dakwins is de scuot master and decides wot bagdes dey gives out?



Well, Anti is gettin restless. When she aint screemin at de Interrnet, she been passin de time by watchin tellevisoin and goin "ROFL" at pitchers of car crashes and poeple bein injurred in earthqaukes. It's good to have a hobby.



But I fink dat my Anti Moly is soon gonna want to go and look for Cradinal Pell, I fuond dis card lyin on de table, so maybe she is preparin to suprise him on Vallentin's Day.

Austriala Day

We is cellebratin Austriala Day now, de day when de Brittish first started sendin Anti Moly's ancesstors to Bottany Bay. In fact, dey sent off about 700 poeple at once, as it seemed best to expel de whole village of Lower Collyer where Moly's fambly lived. Dis was cos de poeple of Upper Collyer complaned about de "lewd and sinnful nieghbors we got, wot keeps robbin us blind, and murderin us in our beds, so dat we is pretty fed up wiv it by now."

Dis shows de sort of village scene in Upper Collyer wot was makin poeple feel fed up and finkin dat life was a bit too excittin wiv Moly's fambly aruond.



Of course de aborriginals is less enthusiastic about dis invasoin, dey has a leggend dat de great God Goolagong sent de people of Lower Collyer to dem as a punnishment for dere sins.

Anti Moly bein a culltured pusson, like all Austrialans except Rolf Harrass, was offering to run an Arts Festivall in beuatiful Pottymouth as part of de cellebratoins. Dis was gonna feature:

* Music, a performance of Zellenka's Missa Wofulla, which most definatly aint a Cathlic Mass (unless it's one of dem libberal masses wot some Cathlics like).



* Art, an exhibitoin of paintings of Cradinal Pell. Dis is one dat was done by Andy Warhole, as a pressent for Anti Moly, and she wanted to lend it to de exhibitoin.



* Dance, a new ballet called Yakkety-Sax. Dis is all about ladies chasin after someone wot looks a little bit like Cradinal Pell, but Anti says it comes from her favorite tellevisoin program, Benny Hill, and dat she aint one of de ladies.



* Litterature, Anti Moly readin out extracts from a good book. I asked my Anti what her favourite book was, and she said "It's dis one, it's all abuot me, and I has got de only coppy in de world."



Howevver, de Pottymouth authorrities has turned down Anti Moly's plans for an Arts Festivall, and dey is gonna cellebrate Austriala Day in de tradditoinal manner, wiv lots of drink. Dere is only one word for dis - WOFUL.

The secret life of Anti Moly

Dis aint my usual blogg, a nice man called James Thurber has sent me a story.

---

Anti Moly was walkin frew de streets of Pottymouth wiv her nehpew Eccles. As dey passed a gruop of old ladies chattin, Eccles heard one of dem say "Dat's old Moly walkin' past. Did you ever hear tell of her grandfarver, de biggest roggue in Pottymouth wot was never hung?"...

It was 1890, and "Ned" Haddock, self-educated sheep-shearer, brain surgeon, miner and rocket scientist was retiring from the position of King, Supreme Warlord and Honorary God of Easter Island. "Don't leave us, great Lord!" said his Prime Minister. "All we will have is a few statues to remember you by..."



Anti Moly shook off dis reverrie and sang a few sad bars of "Waltzing Mattilda" to herself. A window openned above her, dere was a cry of "I'll skin dat bloody cat!" and a bukcet of dirty water was tiped over her...

It was the Last Night of Molybdenite's six-month season at the Pottymouth Promenade Concerts. Little Moly, only 6 years old, had played virtuoso piano music by Beethoven, Liszt, and Rachmaninov - striking the keys with her feet in order to make it even more challenging. She had also conducted three new didgeridoo concertos of her own composition, and then sung tragic Australian ballads for a further six hours, until there wasn't a dry eye in the house. The audience went crazy, waving flags and cheering...



As Moly's day dreem ended, she carried on wiv her walk, and approached an affleunt-looking busnessman walking wiv his wife. He dived into a nearby shop enntrance, draggin his wife after him, and mutterin "It's that dreddful woman wot used to be a cleener in our facktory. I hope she aint seen us."...

The first ever female chief executive of the Pottymouth Molybdenite Corporation was presenting the accounts to the share-holders' meeting. "Thanks to a new process I discovered for extracting molybdenite ore, six new processes for transforming it into valuable raw materials, and fifteen new electronic devices that I invented which only function thanks to our products, I am happy to say that this year our profits were slightly in excess of the Gross Domestic Product of Germany." There was a rapturous ovation, as she pulled back a curtain to show them the company's assets...



Moly and Eccles came back home, where a baby possum was jumpin up and down on de roof. "You orta do somefink about dat, Anti," said her loyyal nehpew...

"Crocodile" Moly, the legendary big game huntress, was facing her most difficult challenge yet. Ahead of her lay a river containing six crocodiles, behind her a pack of dingos, to her left a herd of ravenous wallabies, and to her right an army of traddy Catholic sockpuppets. Armed only with a pea-shooter and a water-pistol, would she ever escape alive?

Flamfrowers

Since de news is out dat my Anti Moly is a member of a secret soceity called de Flamfrowers, I fink I needs to give some detales.

I was admirin de fambly snapshots in my Anti Moly's sittin room, when I saw dis one on de wall, and asked her wot it was.



"Is dat a pantommime, Anti Moly?" I asked. "I remember dat you was grate as de comic Anti Haddach in de Nattivity play we did wiv Bosco. Indeed, de Lake Hellsinus Gazette said 'De old bat wiv de drink probblem providded an unusaul comick interlud in a normally seriuos play. Howevver, some says dat her cries of "He's behind you!" when King Horrid was lookin for de Baby Jessus was a departure from de true Bibblical text.'"



"No, Eccles, dat pitcher show my initiatoin ceremonny for de Flamthrowers. I was givven de secret codname of Collyer, and swore some frihgtful vows. Den we all danced nakid ruond a billaboing by de lihgt of de full moon. Dere was a jolly swagman camped dere, and I asked him for de last waltz but he stopped bein jolly and jumped into de billaboing instedd. Woeful."

Anti Moly explaned dat de Flamfrowers has assinged her to Damain Thopmson's blogg (along wiv someone called Phollus wot runs a shellfish restuarant in South Amerrica) in order to insullt and persecute de Cathlics dere. She does it so sutbly dat most poeple hasnt even noticed.

Still, whenever a seriuos discussion looks like brakin out Anti Moly is dere to disrupt it wiv insults and aneckdotes about how she gave sevveral brillaint sceintists dere best ideas. For example, Stephen Hakwing was gonna studdy Green Holes until Anti Moly told him dat Black Holes was gonna be more impotrant.



Dis pitcher needs explanin, it's Anti Moly askin Hakwing to externimate de Pop wiv his Dallek gun, like dey does on Dr Who. But de Pop jumped nibmly to one side and escapped by de ventillatoin system.

---

Well we has been in luvvly Pottymouth 3 or 4 days, and so I went into de street to see whevver I cuold save a few poeple. My normal openin gambitt is "Ullo, bruvver (or sister). Is you saved?"

Some of de repplies I got so far is:

"You've got a few roos loose in the top paddock, cobber."
"Oh, pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"If your I.Q. were 2 points higher it would be the same as a bloody stone."

Anti Moly was wiv me, and she also got some freindly comments:

"Cor, she's as ugly as a mud fence in a rainstorm."
"Who's the sheila with a face like a smashed crab?"
"Blimey, she's got a head like a half-eaten pastie."

I wuoldn't mind so much, but I got all dem comments from Cathlic preists, monks and nunns. Dey aint ashammed to say wot dey fink, is dey?