Grate-Ant Molly

Well, de big news today is de arrival of Grate-Ant Molly from Austriala. Just as I was polishin up Bosco's statues so dat dey were nice and clean for kissin, we gotta phone call from de local plice.
"Does you know a very old lady called Molly Bendite, alias Judy Hate, alias Alfred Hoddack when she aint trimmed her moustashe?"
"Yes," said Bosco, "dat's my Grate-Ant Molly from Austriala."
"Well we got her here in a cell, she is screamin abusse at everyone, callin dem sockpoppets. If you don't take her away we is gonna charge her with vaguerancy."

So we picked up Grate-Ant Molly, who is turned out was comin to see us becuase she repentted her evil ways and wanted to be saved. Or maybe she was just borred. Bosco gave her some gin, and we put her to bed. Dis is what we calls a Christian deed of Charrity, and is only what you expects from someone like Bosco who is saved. Soon we hopes to get her a clown costume and take her to de Calumny Chappel.

Here is a photo of Grate-Ant Molly. She is scowlin at some of de statues of saints dat we keeps in de house.



P.S. Bosco gotta crossbow dat he keeps pointin at me. He says it is very easy to have a fattal aciddent. I hopes he takes care.

Phone tapps

Bosco and me was readin in de bloggs about de phone tappin scandal, so we decided dat dis was a reely smart idea, and we would put a tapp on de phone of Fr Xavier Pell de Mons of de Cathlic Church, as we needs to know what our ennemies is finking. So Bosco he went off to do dis deed, which is de sort of fing dat saved people can do and Jessus gonna say "Well done Bosco, I wish I'd fought of dat Meself". Fust Bosco went to the plubmers and bought some stuff.

I stayed at home lookin for Alfie de Pussy Cat, who seem to have escaped frew de cat flapp, and bitten a pliceman, before makin his getaway. De pliceman aint too happy about it, in fact he is in a comma. We is denying everyfing.

Well we got a phone call from Fr Xavier who said, "Bosco has you been foolin around wiv my tellephone, boy?" Bosco he dennies it and starts trying to change de toppic of consveration to de crimmes of de Cathlic church in A.D. 311 when dey was aparently a reel pest. Fr Xavier he says dat de phone rang, and when he answered it he got an earful of boilin water. "Oh, aint dat called Baptims?" asked Bosco. "I heard dat dis is what Cathlics get up to. Was dere a pigeon comin down too?"

To cut a long storry short, Fr X. Pell de Mons he slammed down de reciever of de phone and he aint talkin to us rihgt now.

Bosco, I looked out of de window, and de pliceman have been taken away. I heard de parrymedics sayin "I hope he can be saved", so dat's nice dey fink he's going to Jessus soon.

Bosco he is still plottin agianst me, cos of my luvvly blogg. He says "Eccles, you know where de boddies are burried, and you is gonna give it away by accident dat dey is under de floor of de dining room". But my lips is seeled.

Well, dat's all for now. Bosco, does you have any views about dis raven image? I fink if you kissed it you mihgt get a nasty peck.

Alfie de pussy cat

My bruvver Bosco is still actin strangely for one who have got an e-mail from Jessus sayin dat he is saved. "Eccles," he said, "You and I has not been bruvverly reccently, and I is very sorry. So I has got you a nice pussy cat called Alfie, he will be a freind to you, you can stroke him, and kiss him goodnihgt, and maybe he will sleep wiv you too." Dis is Alfie de pussy cat, I aint never seen a cat wiv so many legs beforre, but Bosco says it is a rare brede.



I give him a suacer of milk but he aint very interrested.

Anyways, dats enuogh about pets, I is more interrested in bein saved. Dat means attackin Cathlics wherever dey pops up.

Still, we is goin to de Cathlic instruxion classes ("Know de enemmy", sez Bosco) to find out what dey believes in. Dis sort of schalorship aint avialable in de Calumny Chappel, as we don't get much deeper than de holly prayer: "Oh God, we is wonderful and all de rest is horrid. Fanks, God. PS If you can do anyfink about Bosco's spots and boddy odor dat would be a grate favor too, but dont worry if you is too busy."

Anyways, Fr Eakshow helped us study a text about a guy what got a speck in his eye, and anuvver guy wiv a plank in his own eye came along to take it out. Bosco and I is still arguin about dis one. All we can fink of is dat dey has spotted dat Bosco once rammed a plank into de face of one of de Dominican Fryers wot lives nearby, and dis is a sutble warnin from Fr Eakshow dat Bosco is found out.

Bosco, my dere, is dis pitcher a Cathlic iddle, do you fink? I found it on Damain Thopmson's blogg, so it's probbable dat he kisses it every nihgt.

Kane and Able

Ullo Bosco, is you cross wiv your little bruvver Eccles? I is beginnin to suspect dat we has Kane and Able all over agin.

If you looks at Genessis you sees de storry of Kane and Abel. De Lord said unto dem, "You gotta write bloggs my lads and we'll see which one I likes best".

So Kane, who was de big bruvver and de leeder, he wrote a very powerfull blogg all about how he hated peeple, espeshully Cathlics, and dat he liked talkin about what peeple did in de tiolet. De little bruvver, Able, he wrote a blogg full of love and affection for his big bruvver Bosco, er I mean Kane, and tellin of his spiritaul juorney to Salivation.

Den de Lord reeds de bloggs and he says "Dats a mihgty fine blogg Kane, but I fink little bruvver Eccles, er I mean Able, has got nearer to bein saved."

Den Kane he got very wrathfull and he smote little Able. Dat means Able got deaded.

Now dis is only an old storry, and aint very rellevant todday, but I has noticed three odd things todday, Bosco dere, and I was wonderin if you could advise me.

1. Dere was a snake in my bed last nihgt and I dont remember puttin him dere.
2. I opened de cubbpoard just now to get out a saints statue to kiss, and out fell an ax what neerly hit me.
3. Dis is de strangest, some secrett admirer have given me some sweeties. I don't know dem, are dey any good?

Deelin wiv herretics

My darlin bruvver Bosco is gettin very interestted in histry now, since he discovered dat de Roman Cathlic church used to git cross wiv herretics, dey used to knock on de door in de middle of de nihgt and shout "You aint saved, herretic. De Pope says Ha Ha Ha." Den dey used to stretch em on de rack while toastin em over de fire, hence de expresion "toast rack".

Nowadays dey just welcoms dem in and says "I dont spose you is interrested in bein saved, if it aint too presumptouos of me to mentoin it? Have a cup of tea while you is finkin it over." Dis aint a patch on what we does in de Calvados Chappel - we gits reely fierce wiv de unsaved and Bosco bites em in de leg. Dis aint oficcial pollicy, he just enjoys it, and its a useful suorce of protene for him.

Meanwhile we is gonna go and see our belovved Mom soon, to tell her how we is gittin on wiv de path to Salivation. We calls her Mummy sometimes, and here is a photo of her wavin to Bosco from her prisson cell, dey've let her out now.

Bosco is interveiwed

My dere bruvver Bosco is too modest to say dis, but he hav become a celebritty on account of his evangellical activities, viz goin up to old ladies in de street and sayin "You aint saved buster. Gimme some cash." So we was not suprised when de Lake Hellsinere Papper sent round its star jounalist, John Hairy, to interveiw Bosco. Dis Hairy he said "Well I aint much good at talkin to people, has you got any writtings dat I can copy out, Mr Bosco?"

We showed him Bosco's luvvly blogg, and Mr Hairy he said "Er, yes, I gotta go to de men's room quick," and den he ruhsed off to vomitt.
"Was it de pitchers?" asked Bosco. "De one of my girlfiend is a little scary if you hasnt seen mummyfied copses before."
"Nope," said Mr Hairy, "It was de grahpic descriptoin of boddily functions. Even in de days befor dey sakced me from de Indepandant we wasnt allowed to menshun dat sort of stuff ecxept when writin about Ryan Gigs."
I dont fink dis interveiw wiv Bosco will ever get printted.

Meanwhile de Calumny Chappel is suing de Battman people for pinchin our saccred loggo wot we bows down to, cos dey has got one simillar:




Woss more de Battman flims has got a charracter called de Jokker wot is evidenttly based on Pastor Parsell of de Calumny Chappel.



We is gettin a leedin firm of lawyers, viz Cutley, Dastardly and Mutley, to look into dis. It aint rihgt dat de sincere beleifs of people should be mokced (unless dey is Cathlics).

Love de neihgbor

Ullo dere Bosco, well de trail of Jessus's missin millions seems to have gone cold, but maybe we will come back to it later. Bosco he took a big dose of Fruitcakol before goin to bed last nihgt, and he kissed his cement statue of St Goliath dat I made (it was sposed to be St Peter but I got de scale wrong and it came out 10 feet tall). As a result he had a grate nihgt's sleep, and only woke up three times screemin dat he wornt saved.

We went to de Bibble class, and was introduced to Sister Judy of de Holy Smoke convent, dis was part of de Cathlic instruxion, apparently dey doesnt beet up nuns like we does in de Calumny Chappel, dey even welcoms dem. We gave Bosco some more Fruitcakol meddicin, and dere werent many probblems.

Today's Bible text was "Love de neihgbor as yousself". Dats very controvershal, as our neihgbors keeps comin round at 4 a.m. to say "Shut up Bosco we is tryin to sleep" and we retalliates by superglooin dere grabage bins so dat dey cant use dem. Probbably "Love de neihgbor" is an error in de Cathlic Bibble dey translats it funny sometimes. We is gonna studdy de Sermen on de Mount soon. I looked up de word mount, it means a horse, is we reely gonna have Jessus gallopin round de church, Bosco?

Here's a photo we took of Bosco at his Bibble classes, dat's Father X. Pell de Mons and Sister Judy of de Holy Smoke convent, prayin togevver for de sole of my big bruvver Bosco (dat's him behind if you didnt know).