E: So, Mr Carter, your hymn, "Lord of the Dance" has been nominated for the prestigious Eccles Bad Hymn Award, and you're now a finalist, along with the great Graham Kendrick, Damian Lundy and others. How do you feel about this?
SC: Well, Eccles, I am honoured that my little doggerel should be compared with such immortal verses as "Shine, Jesus, shine" and "Walk in the light."
E: Can we explore some of the problematic areas of this hymn, now? For example, where exactly did Jesus say "I am the Lord of the Dance"? The only named dancer I could locate in the gospels was Salome.
SC: Ah, well, I may have turned over 2 pages of the Bible by mistake. Let's regard "Dance" as a metaphor.
E: A metaphor for what, exactly?
SC: Er... well, everything Jesus did, I suppose.
E: I see, I see. Shakes his head in disbelief. Now "I danced for the fishermen, James and John." Why did you mention them, rather than Peter and Andrew, for example?
SC: In my first draft I had "I danced for Andy and I danced for Pete, They thought my dancing very very sweet" but it doesn't quite scan, and anyway, makes it sound more like a story about Dalziel and Pascoe.
E: Now, "Dance, dance, wherever you may be." What exactly are you suggesting that people do? Dance in church like a bunch of demented St Vitus sufferers?
SC: Look, you're not meant to think about the words, just sing them. And wave your arms around.
E: Quite so. I come now to "I danced on a Friday when the world turned black, It's hard to dance with the Devil on your back." No doubt this is a reference to Good Friday, but what makes you think that Our Lord had the Devil on His back? Were you thinking of Sinbad the sailor here?
SC: I was simply stuck for a rhyme, I'm afraid. Back, Claque, Hack, Sack, Whack... what is one to do?
E: "They buried my body" isn't very good, either, is it? Wasn't Jesus placed in a tomb? Still, that's a small point, when the rest is such a load of tosh.
SC: You must admit that it's a very popular hymn. In some circles it has totally supplanted more old-fashioned forms of worship, where the words are obliged to make sense.
E: Indeed, your drivel now appears in various Catholic and Protestant hymnals. How much did you pay them to give you a "nihil obstat," anyway? Sorry, that was below the belt. Takes a deep breath. Well, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, Mr Carter. Shall we dance?
