New Hymns 3

Well, Advent is with us, the commercial impersonators of St Nicholas are in the shops, and the streets have been ringing with Christmas carols for about three months now. So we felt it appropriate to invite Charles Wesley here, to participate in an Eccles master-class on how Hark! The Herald Angels Sing could be adapted for modern worship.

Charles Wesley: willing to learn from modern hymn-writers.

Eccles: Charles, nice to see you here, today. I was at the Tablet Christmas party last week, and the guests joined in with a version of your hymn that began:

Hark! The Tina Beattie sings:
"Blame the Pope for everything!"

CW: Thanks for inviting me here, Eccles. In fact, my original version began:

Hark! How all the welkin rings:
Glory to the King of Kings,

so I'm quite used to people altering the words.

E: Alas, welkins have been done to death in that famous song Whelk, whelk, whelk in the light, by Damian Lundy.

A whelk in the light.

CW: So, in our improved version, shall we stick with Mendelssohn's tune? After all, it's the one used throughout the whole world.

E: Except in Portsmouth, apparently, where some local chap has got the hymn banned in favour of his own repertoire. Sing me a few lines, so that we can see what it's all about.

CW: Hark! The herald angels sing:
"Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled."

A herald angel, off duty.

E: Stop, stop, stop! I can see what you're doing wrong. You've got at least one new idea in each line, and none of them repeated. Why, Graham Kendrick would have started off with Hark, angels, hark and spun out the first line to a whole verse.

CW: It's good of you tell me this, Eccles. We can all learn from modern masters.

E: Let's give the Hark! motif more prominence. How about:

Hark, hark, hark! The angels sing.
Hark, hark, hark! The newborn King!
Hark, hark, hark! We're meek and mild.
Hark, hark, hark! We're reconciled.

Hark, hark, hark! We're meek and mild.

CW: I see, what you're doing there. Cutting out most of the theology and making sure the song is really about us, not God.

E: There's still something wrong, though. "Reconciled" won't do. It's a long word, and might distress the congregation.

CW: How about Hark, hark, hark! We won't go wild for the fourth line?

E: Yes, that's much better. The only way the song could be improved now would be by changing "Hark" to "Ho". Nobody says "Hark" these days, especially not post-Vatican II angels.

CW: So we arrive at the final version, which is much more Christmassy!

Ho, ho, ho! The angels sing.
Ho, ho, ho! The newborn King!
Ho, ho, ho! We're meek and mild.
Ho, ho, ho! We won't go wild.

E: Perfect! Well, you can finish it off, Chazza.

"Ho, ho, ho!" The true message of Christmas.

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Earlier masterclasses: John Henry Newman    King David.

Bad hynms 2

Todday we has an interveiw wiv de grate Grahamm Kendrick, de writer of a poppular "Christian song."

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E: Well, Mr Kendrick, your hymn, "Shine, Jesus, Shine," which is extremely popular with the under-9 age group, but which drives all adults crazy, has been nominated for the prestigious Eccles Bad Hymn Award. We recently interviewed one of your rivals, Sydney Carter, and now we come to you.

GK: It's great to be here, Eccles.

E: First the meaning of the song, then. Does the photograph below give some idea of your intentions when you refer to "Shine"? Romans 10:15? How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace?

GK: No, I don't think you have fully grasped the meaning of my song, Eccles. It is more to do with the idea of Jesus, the Light of the World, shining in the darkness.

E: I see. Well, of course that is stressed very well in the first verse, where you use the word "Shine" or "Shining" no less than five times (out of a total of 15 in the entire song, I think). Let's move on a bit, skipping over the embarrassing bit where you try to rhyme "presence" and "radiance," making the latter just two syllables, "Ray-jence."

GK:  Yes, many people have told me that the song doesn't really scan. If you clap your hands or bang your head against the wall at various points, it makes it go past a bit more smoothly.

E: Now, what's all this "Flow, river flow, Flood the nations with grace and mercy" stuff? Is that not a little insensitive these days, when we see many people threatened with flood water? Which river would that be, anyway?

GK: I'm afraid I didn't have any particular river in mind. The verse refers to "Jesus," then "Spirit," so I thought I'd add a cunning twist by not mentioning the "Father" but using "River" instead. If it makes people think of  the Big Guy in the Sky as "Old Man River," then that's all to the good, surely?

E: Is it? Oh, right. Could you settle one other point that I find difficult? "Blaze, Spirit blaze, Set our hearts on fire?" Why is it a good thing to have one's heart on fire? A quick check of the Bible suggests that it is quite a painful and distressing thing to endure. See Jeremiah 20:9:  There came in my heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was wearied, not being able to bear it.

 
















GK: Think of it as poetry, Eccles. It doesn't mean anything, but it sounds good. So good that you have to sing the chorus three times before you are allowed to leave the church.

E: Mr Kendrick, thank you very much. Can I go now?

Bad hynms 1

Todday we has an interveiw wiv de late Sidney Carter, de hynm-writer. My secretarry has transcribbed it, so de spellin and grammer aint all it might be.

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E: So, Mr Carter, your hymn, "Lord of the Dance" has been nominated for the prestigious Eccles Bad Hymn Award, and you're now a finalist, along with the great Graham Kendrick, Damian Lundy and others. How do you feel about this?

SC: Well, Eccles, I am honoured that my little doggerel should be compared with such immortal verses as "Shine, Jesus, shine" and "Walk in the light."

E: Can we explore some of the problematic areas of this hymn, now? For example, where exactly did Jesus say "I am the Lord of the Dance"? The only named dancer I could locate in the gospels was Salome.

SC: Ah, well, I may have turned over 2 pages of the Bible by mistake. Let's regard "Dance" as a metaphor.

E: A metaphor for what, exactly?

SC: Er... well, everything Jesus did, I suppose.

E: I see, I see. Shakes his head in disbelief. Now "I danced for the fishermen, James and John." Why did you mention them, rather than Peter and Andrew, for example?

SC: In my first draft I had "I danced for Andy and I danced for Pete, They thought my dancing very very sweet" but it doesn't quite scan, and anyway, makes it sound more like a story about Dalziel and Pascoe.

E: Now, "Dance, dance, wherever you may be." What exactly are you suggesting that people do? Dance in church like a bunch of demented St Vitus sufferers?

SC: Look, you're not meant to think about the words, just sing them. And wave your arms around.

E: Quite so. I come now to "I danced on a Friday when the world turned black, It's hard to dance with the Devil on your back." No doubt this is a reference to Good Friday, but what makes you think that Our Lord had the Devil on His back? Were you thinking of Sinbad the sailor here?

SC: I was simply stuck for a rhyme, I'm afraid. Back, Claque, Hack, Sack, Whack... what is one to do?

E: "They buried my body" isn't very good, either, is it? Wasn't Jesus placed in a tomb? Still, that's a small point, when the rest is such a  load of tosh.

SC: You must admit that it's a very popular hymn. In some circles it has totally supplanted more old-fashioned forms of worship, where the words are obliged to make sense.

E: Indeed, your drivel now appears in various Catholic and Protestant hymnals. How much did you pay them to give you a "nihil obstat," anyway? Sorry, that was below the belt. Takes a deep breath. Well, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, Mr Carter. Shall we dance?

Dat's enuff bloggs

Hands off Pippa!
By Cristina Noode








Leave Her Royal Hotness alone! She's just a 28-year-old girl doing what all teenagers do at her age - going to wild parties in Paris, getting drunk, and shooting the odd gendarme! Only confirmed anti-monarchists could possibly see anything wrong with that! Which amongst us has not been a little wild in their younger days?

In my days editing the Catholic Herald it was normal to see Damian "six gun" Thompson striding in after a hard night's drinking and poker with "Wild Bill" Oddie. One day he explained that they had just shot a policeman, having mistaken him for "Doc" Chartres, and they were terrified that the lawman might have been a Catholic.  We glamorous young girls all wanted to be Damian's "moll" and shoot up the Magic Circle bishops with him, but he rejected all our advances. Later, we all became boringly respectable housewives of course.

So leave Pippa alone! She may be a wild teenager now, but one day she may be a respected Catholic blogger for the Telegraph!

Excusez-moi, officer, je suis en retard pour la Messe à Notre Dame.
 

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Cameron the Eurosceptic
By Daniel Nannah






The time has come for UKIP supporters to lay down their arms and admit that David Cameron's Conservatives are the only party likely to take us out of the EU within the next five years.

Already Dave is making rebellious rumblings against EU tyranny. Indeed this week he decided to go head-to-head with the Prime Minister of mighty Varicella. By threatening to oppose an EU Directive on subsidies for hamster-farmers, Dave has shown that he is not afraid to hit the Varicellan hamster-fur industry where it hurts.

Our Eurosceptic policies are being noticed. Whenever I stand up in the European parliament and suggest that we expel all foreigners from the EU, I am listened to avidly. Indeed, most of the foreigners take my advice and leave the chamber immediately. Last week, however, my speech met with unexpected results, for a man came into the chamber, carrying a bag of tools. Somehow I must have received a blow on the head, for when I woke up I was sitting on a pile of rotten cabbage in the Brussels Municipal Dump, but - and this is the important thing - I was still giving my controversial speech on Van Rompuy - why does he smell like a dead weasel? 

Dave is in town, and he's in a mean mood. So Brussels, beware!

David Cameron, getting to grips with Johnny Foreigner.
 

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Parishioners! Arentchasickofem?
By Peter Numell









In my days as a Parish Priest in the Yorkshire village of Ebor-Gum, the one thing I dreaded was my parishioners. Nowadays, as Anglican Chaplain to the Guild of Usurers, Money-lenders and Blackmailers, I mix with a different class of person, and they are not usually interested in religious matters. But even in my days as Honorary Canon to the White Slave Industry life was peaceful compared with the horrors that awaited me in Yorkshire.

In Ebor-Gum I had proposed some simple changes in our form of Sunday worship - I just wanted it to start each week with a ceremonial burning of homosexuals on the village green - and the parishioners treated me as if I had wanted to do something outrageous, such as introducing the happy-clappy doggerel of Graham Kendrick. Well, I withdrew my plans in the face of their implacable opposition, and reduced the burnings to an occasional event in my own back garden.

Then again, I thought it would be helpful if we were to show our ecumenical side by storming the local mosque, decapitating the Imam, and putting his head on a pole with a label "LOSER". You wouldn't believe the fuss my plan caused. Now I display Father Abdallah's head in a glass case in my sitting-room, where it is much admired by visitors, but we Christians should not be forced to hide our lights under bushels in this way.

Shall we go down to the pub, vicar?