How to be in good stand-in

Farver Arfur is at a loose end right now, as he tells us dat Chritsmas dont begin until de evenin service tonihgt, and so we is still in Addvent. Dis means dat we is forbidden to show good will to poeple, and has gotta carry on insulltin dem.



De pitcher above shows a letter dat Arfur carries ruond wiv him at all times, singed by his bishopp, to say dat he is in good stand-in. De main points is as follows.

* Owin to a misunderstandin, he have been ordianed priest and we aint yet mannaged to get dis fixed.

* He aint got a crinimal record under de name he uses, aldough of course he may have some Anonnymous sockpoppet names as well dat we aint heard about.

* He is great with chilldren, it's only adullts he can't stand.



Dat's a pitcher of Farver Arfur showin dat he is good wiv kids.

* He aint interessted in sex, drink, drugs, smokin, tellevisoin, fatty foods, books, mussic or anyfink else dat mihgt give pleasure.

* He aint a ravin loony, or at least not bad enuogh to stop him bein a cosstume holly man.

Singed by his bishopp, wot is a reel bishopp cos he have got a Babble-onion fish hat.



Dat's a new pitcher of Arfur's bishopp, wot holds him in high regardds and invites him reggular to tea parties.

Arfur is still a bit impattient, as he says dat de Pop hasnt yet repplied to his reqquest for a job wiv de Inquisitoin, tormentin poeple. Still it made choosin him a Christmas pressent very easy for us, as he can wear dis on all occassions.



I concludes wiv Chritsmas greetings from all 4 people wot is currently crammed into Bosco Towers (I hopes dat Anti Moly and Arfur are only temporarry geusts).

Bosco: Unless you knows Jessus pussonally like I does, you aint got a hope of bein saved, and is goin into de Lake of Fire. I hopes dat knowin dis dont spiol your Chritsmas.

Anti Moly: I dont believe in god or gods, but dey says dat Chritsmas is a time for finkin of absent freinds. So if Rolf Harrass or Goerge Pell wants to come ruond, we got lots of bottles of Chritsmas spirrit left.

Arfur: Eccles, at 1 p.m. on December 24th you said to me "Merry Chritsmas." Dis is a blashpemy as it is in fact still Addvent. Anyways, dere aint nuffink to be merry about. De Catacoms of the Churhc dont mentoin bein merry, does dey?

Eccles (me): Um, Happy Chritsmas to all loyyal readers. By readin dis blogg, you is sure on de road to bein saved.

De Moly Cod

My Grate-anti Moly is a keen debater on bloggs, but when she loses de argumment she often shouts out ROFL! I fought at first dat it was just de dreaded Roflitis illness dat she got (when I comes into her room, she is often rollin around on de floor like a large black barrel), but now I realise dat what she means to say is ROLF, it is a coded cry for help to anuvver famuous Austrialan what used to be a boyfreind of hers, when Cradinal Pell ran away to become a cosstume holly man.



Rofl is 81, so he is still a bit yuonger dan Anti Moly, but dey was grate pals about 50 years ago. Howevver, I has to deny de wicked rumuors dat dey had any kids togetther, and dat dere is a grandson livin in Brisbain. When de Queen visitted Austriala a few months ago, dere was a very rude man wot showed his bottom to de Queen (she describbed it as an "Anus Horribilis"), and de specullation was dat he was Anti's granddson. Since she dennies dis strenously, we has to give her de bennyfit of de duobt.

Meanwhile, we is bein kept awake at nihgt by de suonds of "Tie me kagnaroo down, spot," and "Waltzing Mattilde," from someone serenadin outside Anti Moly's window. We aint sure whevver it is Rofl Harris or Cradinal Pell, but anyway Anti frew a bucket of water over him and he went away. As you see from dis pitcher, Cradinal Pell is tryin to introduce tradditoinal Austrialan music to de Pop, so he is also a susspect.



After we heard Anti Moly singin "Tan my hide when I'm dead, Fred" round de house, Bosco and me went to de local leather shop and asked if dey cuold do us a good deal on our Grate Anti. Dey is gonna come back to us wiv an esstimate. Wiv skin like hers dere probabbly aint much to do.

Farver Arfur has sent a letter to de Pop, sayin dat it wuold be good to open a branch of de Inquisitoin in Callifornia, and while he is visitin us he wuold be verry happy to torcher poeple in de name of de Lord (but if de Pop dont mind, he prefers to torcher traddy Cathlics, after readin out to dem a long list of dere sins, especailly all de bad fings dey has said).

Arfur is still hidin in our house, in case Dakwins comes to arrest him, and he has been convertin a spare room into a torcher chabmer. He finks de Pop will be impressed by his enthusiams.

De coral signers

De Calumny Chappel has organized some coral signing, in order to raise money for a good charitty (dis year we is payin for Pastor Macaroni to get a forged passport and flee de cuontry). What we does is knocks on doors at 11 p.m. and says to de poeple wot answers "Give us de money buster or we gonna sign 'Away in a Mangler' very luod and wake up all your kids."



Dat's a typical satisfied cusstomer after Bosco has sung a lollaby fortisimmo frew his letter box.

Sometimes we signs corals what Bosco has adappted for saved poeple to sign, like dis one:

While shehperds watched dere flocks by nihgt,
Dey wasn't saved like us,
Cos everyfink we says is right,
And everyfink we does.

Anti Moly came along too, even dough she aint relligiuos, as de opportunity of screeming "Woeful" into poeple's letterboxes was too good to miss.



We allso got some support from Farver Arfur. He is still in hidin from Richard Dakwins, but one of Dakwins's pals has just died, so perhaps he wont be commin to look for Farver Arfur dis week. Anyways, Farver Arfur felt dat it was safe to come out, providded dat he wore a disgiuse. For a proffesionnal cosstume holly man, it was quite easy to find siutable vestments for de Advent seasson.



Unforttunatly, Farver Arfir interrupted one of our carols, sayin in a stern vioce: "At 11.30 p.m. todday you said 'Hark de Harold Angles sign.' Since it is still 6 days before Chrisstmas, you shuold know dat de Harold Angles didnt say nuffink at dis perriod, but was respecttfully sillent. I advisses you to do de same, if you wisshes to be recognissed as Chritsians. It is a serriuos heressy if you corruppts de meanin of Holly Scriptture and prettends dat dere was angles signin dis early. Indeed, artticle 2733058 of de Catacoms of de Churhc says dat you shuold be burned at de steak for dat."

Luckily, we aint Cathlics, but Farver Arfur is a good man, and if he dont get arrested by Dakwins, he says dat he is gonna apply for a job wiv de Inquisitoin, so dat he can spend de rest of his life bein nassty to people.

Dis is what Cathlics does to people who sings "Hark de Harold Angles" too soon.