De Voyage of St Eccles, Chapter 3

1. And an Angle spake unto Eccles, saying, "Dis sagga of thine is taking a long time to finish off. Thou willst miss the deadline for de new editoin of de Bibble."

2. "What is I to do?" asked Eccles. "De love life of mine Ant is too complex to be resolved so easily."

3. "Perhaps thou couldst rewrite it for de new editoin of de Korran?" said de Angle. "It could be de story of Anti Mullah, wot goes to Mecka to find de Imam El-Pell. If thou dressest thine Anti in a Burker, den she will not frighten de children so much."



Moly-ben-Dite as she ain't often seen

4. "Nay," saith Eccles. "For I doesnt fink de Musslims is saved. Anyway, strong drink is condemned by Isslam, and my Anti cannot do wivvout it. We will continue as we has started." And it was so.

 5. So she that is called Moly-ben-Dite saith unto de blessed Eccles, "Let us attend the service dat mine beloved Goerge doth conduct for de Easter Viggil. Perchance, Eccles, we couldst disgiuse ourselves as alter servers, dat we may carry de candels into de Cathedral? Den, at de crittical moment, I may hit mine belloved over de head wiv de Pascal Candel, and screem 'Libbertine! Don Jaun! Cassanover! Nick Cleg!'" And she nameth some of de gratest lovers in history.

6. And it was so. De blessed Eccles and his somewhat less blessed Anti didst robe demselves in de white graments of holliness.

7. And dere came a grate processoin into de Cathedral of Sidney. Dere was de famuous Monsinger Rolf Harris, de Dame Edna Average (wot aint reely a woman, so it's OK), even de famous Spin Blower, Farver Shane Worn. All was dressed in de white graments of holliness.



Farver Shane givvin de blessin

8. And in de processoin was concealed Eccles and Moly.

9. And Cradinal Pell spake unto de mulltitudes, sayin, "G'day, cobbers, here we got de Pascal Candel, cos it's Easter. Cor, chase my pet wombat up a coolibar tree, it's dat crazy woman from Pottymouth..."

10. And Lo, Moly hurled de Pascal Candel at de Cradinal, dat it might come to pass wot was written in de book of Relevatoin Chapter 2, Verse 5, I come to thee, and will move thy candlestick out of its place, except thou do penance.



A dangerous waepon in de wrong hands

11. And de costume holly man fled at de sihgt of de wrathful old lady, sayin, "Canst thou direct me to de nearest billybong?"

12. For in the days of his youth, so men say, he had fled de pursuin hag by jumpin into de billybong, where no man durst follow.

13. And Eccles said unto his Anti, "Let us deppart from hence and return to Pottymouth. Dem Cathlics aint to be trusted, anyways." So they departed.

14. Here endeth de book of de voyage of St Eccles.

De Austrialan serenad

We is still bein pestered at nihgt by an Austrialan serenadin my Anti Moly. Last night she frew a bucket of plattypus suop over him, and he ran away leavin de words of his luv song behind. So I is typin dem in now, but I aint got time to correkt de spellin.

Tie Mo-lybdenite down, Sport,
Tie Mo-lybdenite down.
She's just melting right down, Sport,
So tie Mo-lybdenite down.

Smash her PC with a brick, Nick,
Smash her PC with a brick,
She's getting on everyone's wick, Nick,
So smash her PC with a brick.

Take her bottles away, Ray,
Take her bottles away,
She's been drinking all day, Ray,
So take her bottles away.

Put my Auntie to bed, Fred,
Put my Auntie to bed.
The blogging's gone to her head, Fred,
So put my Auntie to bed.

Anti hopes dat it is Cradinal Pell come to serenad her, but I got some duobts here.

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My bruvver Bosco is very concerned about de worship of a Cathlic iddle called Saint Claws, wot we is seeing everywhere right now. Evil-lookin chap, aint he?



But some poeple worshipp de pius, saintly, good pollite St Cuttley instedd - for example, here's a pitcher of a Cathlic monk worshippin a scared rellick of de famuous novellist.



Bosco explaned to Anti Moly dat Cathlics fink it is puffectly normal to take rellics from saints. She was finkin of goin to Englland wiv a pair of scisors to cut off a lock of Cuttley's beuatiful hair; or maybe he can be persuadded to spare a bon or two if she takes her chane saw wiv her.

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Meanwhile, Farver Arfur is still very worried dat Richard Dakwins may come and arrest him. So when he goes out to do cosstume holly man fings he has to wear a disgiuse. Here he is rellaxin in our house. In order to blend in wiv everyone else he is bein very cunning and readin de newspapper.

De Moly Cod

My Grate-anti Moly is a keen debater on bloggs, but when she loses de argumment she often shouts out ROFL! I fought at first dat it was just de dreaded Roflitis illness dat she got (when I comes into her room, she is often rollin around on de floor like a large black barrel), but now I realise dat what she means to say is ROLF, it is a coded cry for help to anuvver famuous Austrialan what used to be a boyfreind of hers, when Cradinal Pell ran away to become a cosstume holly man.



Rofl is 81, so he is still a bit yuonger dan Anti Moly, but dey was grate pals about 50 years ago. Howevver, I has to deny de wicked rumuors dat dey had any kids togetther, and dat dere is a grandson livin in Brisbain. When de Queen visitted Austriala a few months ago, dere was a very rude man wot showed his bottom to de Queen (she describbed it as an "Anus Horribilis"), and de specullation was dat he was Anti's granddson. Since she dennies dis strenously, we has to give her de bennyfit of de duobt.

Meanwhile, we is bein kept awake at nihgt by de suonds of "Tie me kagnaroo down, spot," and "Waltzing Mattilde," from someone serenadin outside Anti Moly's window. We aint sure whevver it is Rofl Harris or Cradinal Pell, but anyway Anti frew a bucket of water over him and he went away. As you see from dis pitcher, Cradinal Pell is tryin to introduce tradditoinal Austrialan music to de Pop, so he is also a susspect.



After we heard Anti Moly singin "Tan my hide when I'm dead, Fred" round de house, Bosco and me went to de local leather shop and asked if dey cuold do us a good deal on our Grate Anti. Dey is gonna come back to us wiv an esstimate. Wiv skin like hers dere probabbly aint much to do.

Farver Arfur has sent a letter to de Pop, sayin dat it wuold be good to open a branch of de Inquisitoin in Callifornia, and while he is visitin us he wuold be verry happy to torcher poeple in de name of de Lord (but if de Pop dont mind, he prefers to torcher traddy Cathlics, after readin out to dem a long list of dere sins, especailly all de bad fings dey has said).

Arfur is still hidin in our house, in case Dakwins comes to arrest him, and he has been convertin a spare room into a torcher chabmer. He finks de Pop will be impressed by his enthusiams.