New Hymns 4

For today's master-class, we have invited the lovely Christina Rossetti here, so that we can discuss her carol In the Bleak Midwinter, and attempt to rewrite it for modern worship.

Christina Rossetti, on learning that she needs to rewrite her hymn.

E: So, Miss Rossetti, there are a few problems with this hymn. The first verse, for example, is probably not historically correct: Christ was almost certainly not born in midwinter, and the weather was mild enough for shepherds to abide in the fields all night.

C: O Eccles, you're not going to make me sacrifice such a poetic verse? I could rewrite it I suppose:

It was quite a nice day,
Not too hot or cold,
They had lovely weather
In the days of old.

E: Yes, it's a pity we couldn't have kept the "frosty wind made moan" bit, and all joined in with a chorus of "Moan moan moan," but historical accuracy is more important. Perhaps you could make the song a bit more dramatic?

C: I thought of continuing:

Rain had fallen, rain on rain,
Rain on rain,
But the shepherd's clothes were
Drying out again.

It's a man's life in the sheep-farming industry.

E: Yes, that's fine. Now you have several verses about mangers, oxen, asses, even camels...

C: Camels are not really midwinter animals, I know. I thought of making them yetis instead. Are yetis Biblical? I suppose not.

A yeti reacts angrily to being told that it is not Biblical.

E: Well, we've got rid of the midwinter theme, anyway. Let's move on to the last verse, which is all about giving Christmas presents.

C: "If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb."

E: Yes, and "If I were a wise man, I would do my part." What is this mysterious "part?"

C: I was stuck for a rhyme for "heart," there, Eccles.

E: Now, it's good that the last verse is about us - that's the guiding spirit behind modern hymns - so let's see if we can make it even more egotistical, with a verse about Christmas shopping.

C: I have it:

I've been Christmas shopping, poor as I am:
For my auntie Jane, a year's supply of spam.

For my uncle Fred, a tasty rhubarb tart...

And for dear old Gran a piece of modern art.

E: Christina Rossetti, thank you very much. They'll be singing this version in all the churches this Christmas, I have no doubt about it.

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Earlier masterclasses: John Henry Newman    King David    Charles Wesley

New Hymns 3

Well, Advent is with us, the commercial impersonators of St Nicholas are in the shops, and the streets have been ringing with Christmas carols for about three months now. So we felt it appropriate to invite Charles Wesley here, to participate in an Eccles master-class on how Hark! The Herald Angels Sing could be adapted for modern worship.

Charles Wesley: willing to learn from modern hymn-writers.

Eccles: Charles, nice to see you here, today. I was at the Tablet Christmas party last week, and the guests joined in with a version of your hymn that began:

Hark! The Tina Beattie sings:
"Blame the Pope for everything!"

CW: Thanks for inviting me here, Eccles. In fact, my original version began:

Hark! How all the welkin rings:
Glory to the King of Kings,

so I'm quite used to people altering the words.

E: Alas, welkins have been done to death in that famous song Whelk, whelk, whelk in the light, by Damian Lundy.

A whelk in the light.

CW: So, in our improved version, shall we stick with Mendelssohn's tune? After all, it's the one used throughout the whole world.

E: Except in Portsmouth, apparently, where some local chap has got the hymn banned in favour of his own repertoire. Sing me a few lines, so that we can see what it's all about.

CW: Hark! The herald angels sing:
"Glory to the newborn King!
Peace on earth and mercy mild,
God and sinners reconciled."

A herald angel, off duty.

E: Stop, stop, stop! I can see what you're doing wrong. You've got at least one new idea in each line, and none of them repeated. Why, Graham Kendrick would have started off with Hark, angels, hark and spun out the first line to a whole verse.

CW: It's good of you tell me this, Eccles. We can all learn from modern masters.

E: Let's give the Hark! motif more prominence. How about:

Hark, hark, hark! The angels sing.
Hark, hark, hark! The newborn King!
Hark, hark, hark! We're meek and mild.
Hark, hark, hark! We're reconciled.

Hark, hark, hark! We're meek and mild.

CW: I see, what you're doing there. Cutting out most of the theology and making sure the song is really about us, not God.

E: There's still something wrong, though. "Reconciled" won't do. It's a long word, and might distress the congregation.

CW: How about Hark, hark, hark! We won't go wild for the fourth line?

E: Yes, that's much better. The only way the song could be improved now would be by changing "Hark" to "Ho". Nobody says "Hark" these days, especially not post-Vatican II angels.

CW: So we arrive at the final version, which is much more Christmassy!

Ho, ho, ho! The angels sing.
Ho, ho, ho! The newborn King!
Ho, ho, ho! We're meek and mild.
Ho, ho, ho! We won't go wild.

E: Perfect! Well, you can finish it off, Chazza.

"Ho, ho, ho!" The true message of Christmas.

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Earlier masterclasses: John Henry Newman    King David.

New Hymns 2

Today we are truly honoured to welcome King David, warrior, sex symbol and - as author of the Book of Psalms - the Paul Inwood of the 10th Century BC. Now, your Majesty...

D: Hey, it's not "Your Majesty!" Call me Dave.

"Dave," working on a psalm.

E: Yes, OK, Dave. Now I know you've had some embarrassing moments in your time, especially when Signor Michelangelo of the Italian paparazzi published a nude sculpture of you, but let's put that to one side now, and talk about your psalms.

D: Well, one likes to think one has a role as a Defender of Faiths, you know, and my psalms do seem to have gone down well with many in the Jewish, Christian and Muslim communities.

E: Still, they obviously need a little "refreshing" for modern audiences, and so that's why you're here today, I understand.

D: Yes, I was wondering about my Psalm 23 (as translated by King James himself): The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.Can you suggest something, Eccles?

A sheep, being sickeningly sweet.

E: Well, my general rule for modern hymns is, don't say too much about God, it's better to sing about yourself. And we could perhaps adapt the tune of "On Ilkla Moor Baht 'at," as Ilkley's a good place for sheep, I'm told.

The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep:
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep,
The Lord's my shepherd, I'm a sheep.
Chorus: I like to go "Baa Baa!" 
I like to go "Baa Baa!" 
I like to go "Baa Baa!"

This sheep isn't as sweet, but he is on Ilkley Moor.

D: So how do you see the subsequent verses developing?

E: Well, as any modern hymn-writer will tell you, you only need to change one or two lines to get a completely new verse. So Verse 2 could be:

He makes me lie down in a field:
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
He makes me lie down in a field,
He makes me lie down in a field.
Chorus. I like to go "Baa Baa!" (x3)

D: My psalm is quite popular at funerals, you know, probably because of the lines: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Double-O-7, why have you brought me to the Valley of the Shadow of Death?

E: Well, Dave, have a go yourself.

D: O.K.

When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
I like to eat the grass and go "Baa Baa-aa."
When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
When in the Valley of Death's Shade,
Chorus. I like to go "Baa Baa!" (x3)

E: Magnificent, Dave! You've managed to drain out almost all the theology, and to leave just some comfortable stuff about sheep. Kevin Mayhew will be knocking at your door any time now, begging for the publishing rights.

You make a table for me, Lord...

Some New Hymns

As a change from "Bad hymns," where we say cruel things to modern hymn-writers, we are now going to invite in some older hymn-writers, to tell them where they went wrong. Today we welcome John Henry Newman, author of hymns such as Lead, kindly Light, and Praise to the Holiest in the height, which are hardly ever sung in church these days. Now, why is that?

Cardinal Newman - where did he go wrong?

E: Welcome, John, and congratulations on your Beatification - I was really rooting for you. Now, your first hymn starts:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

Not very snappy, is it? I suppose you never used to play the guitar, did you? Or shake the tambourine?

JHN: That's true, Eccles, I did try to introduce these to the Birmingham Oratory, but the traddies wouldn't have it. So how can I bring my hymn up to date?

E: Well, taking the tune of Walk in the Light, how about rewriting it as:

Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead, lead, Kindly Li-ight,
Lead on, as I'm far from home!

Watson, the night is dark and we are far from home.

JHN: Yes, I think that would work. So Verse 2 could be:

Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
Keep, keep Thou my fee-eet,
One step's the right thing for me!

E: You're learning quickly, John. This is the sort of hymn that Catholic congregations are singing these days. None of your flowery language!

JHN: Can we do something about Praise to the Holiest in the height, Eccles? It comes from my poem The Dream of Gerontius.

Gerontius, catching up on some sleep.

E: Gerontius? I suppose it's too late to give him a more with-it name? The Dream of Dave, maybe? Well, let's see how it starts:

Praise to the Holiest in the height,
And in the depth be praise;
In all His words most wonderful,
Most sure in all His ways.

E: I think the problem here, John, is that there are at least four different ideas in that verse. And later on you get very involved in sin and redemption, and all that sort of Jesus-stuff, whereas modern congregations should be singing about how happy they are.

JHN: Yes, I think I'm getting the hang of this now. Could I use the tune of "Follow me, follow me?"

When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue,
Oh we like to praise our holy holy Friend,
For He sorted us out, yes He did, for me and you,
So we're saved, yes we're saved, and that's the end. 

Chorus: Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, 
praise the holy holy Lord... (ad libitum)

When we're up in the heights, or we feel a little blue...

E: Very good, John. You got through the main points of your hymn much more quickly that time, didn't you?

JHN: Thanks for your wise advice, Eccles. Now I see how real hymn-writers work.