The Book of St Richard, Chapter 15

Continued from Chapter 14

1. So it came to pass that the children of Am-eri-ca waited, while Richard decided how they should vote.

2. But meanwhile, there came a learned philosopher unto Richard, whose name was Grayling, and he spake unto him thus:

3. "Lo! I have decided to found a new university, which shall be called the New College of the Humanities, that we may educate the young and tell them that there is no god but Dawkins."

4. "And we are in need of a distinguished professor of evolutionary biology and science literacy, preferably one who is an atheist and a celebrity."

5. "And we are hoping to recruit other young men of great intellect such as Lord Prescott and Sir Michael Jagger, who will really be able to engage with the youth of today."

Professor Sir Michael Jagger.

6. And Richard gladly accepted the offer, saying, "Lo! I shall give them my famous lecture course on 'The Godless chicken'."

7. So the New College of the Humanities prospered greatly, and Richard travelled regularly down to London to educate the young and impressionable.

The prestigious premises housing the New College of the Humanities.

8. But the children of Am-eri-ca cried out again, saying, "Tell us, O Richard, how we must vote."

9. And Richard pondered saying, "On the one hand there is O-bam-a, he who claimeth to be a pious Christian. For he was a member of the Trinity United Church of Christ, and hearkened unto the words of Jeremiah Wright."

10. "It was Pastor Wright who wrote that brilliant book, Only black people is saved. But now that he has been found out, O-bam-a has renounced Pastor Wright, and I think we may now claim him as an atheist."

A well-attended C. of D. service. Can you spot the saved person?

11. "On the other hand, there is Rom-ney, he who is a Mormon, but hath just one wife. And although I myself have shared my house with three wives and numerous chickens, I cannot accept the Mormon faith."

12. But the disciples spake unto Richard, saying, "But what sayest thou of Joseph Biden, he who is the President of Vice. Is he not a pious Catholic?"

13. "For Joseph saith: 'I give thanks that I am not as the rest of men. I fast twice in a week: I give tithes of all that I possess. In fact, if I believed in God, I would be a model Catholic.'"

14. And Richard spake, saying, "No problem. I think we can count Joseph as a paid-up atheist as well."

15. And so the world waited. Would Richard - he who had raised an obscure skiing instructor called Nick Clegg to a place at Dave's right hand - perform a second miracle, and raise O-bam-a to the glory of a second term?

It is true that Nick Clegg was once a skiing instructor.

Continued in Chapter 16.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 13

Continued from Chapter 12

1. And it came to pass that the fame of Richard spread abroad, even unto Sri Lanka, and there came wise men from the East who would name a fish after him.

The dawkins

2. And Richard was greatly pleased; for he said "My friend Anthony Grayling hath given his name unto a fish, and even my friend Stephen Fry hath given his name unto the young of the fish. Now my name will also live for evermore.

3. For from generation unto generation, men will enter into the shop that is called Harry Ramsden's, and say 'Dawkins and chips, please, darling.'"

Richard's main contribution to the study of fish

4. And the name of Dawkins became known throughout the fish-loving world; yeah, his words became as famous as the words of the philosopher Captain Haddock, he who once spake of the ten thousand thundering typhoons.

Captain Haddock reads of Richard's work on shellfish genes.

5. And now (finally) began the long spiritual journey of Richard, that which began with unbelief and ended with his being taken up to Heaven.

6. For Richard began to question his faith for the first time in his life. "Yeah," he said, "I am not an atheist, he who denieth God. I am an agnostic, he who hath not much of a clue about anything."

7. And he was told of the words of the philosopher Wittgenstein, he who said "If thou knowest not what thou talkest about, then shut up."

8. "But I cannot shut up," said Richard, "for I have many followers, who worship at the Dawkins foundation of reason and science. They cannot think for themselves, so where will they go if I allow my lips to cease their eternal motion?"

9. So Richard went to Cambridge, and visited the tomb of Wittgenstein. And lo! a sign was given unto him.

A chicken at Wittgenstein's grave

10. For there was a chicken at the tomb, and it spake unto Richard, saying "Cluck!"

11. And Richard, who had written a thesis on chicken behaviour, knew that this meant, "Be silent, O fool!" or possibly "May I offer you a worm?"

12. And Richard saw this sign and said in his heart, "Now I am confused indeed."

13. But lo! there now came into his life a wondrous book, which was set to confuse Richard even more.

What wisdom lies inside this wondrous book?

Continued in Chapter 14

Bad Hynms 10

Today the Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges will be looking at It ain't necessarily so, words by Ira Gershwin. If you Google "Top Ten Atheist Hymns," you find this one at Number 4, with the immortal Imagine at Number 1, and this song is what we shall hear when Anthony Grayling and Richard Dawkins lead the singing at prize-giving ceremonies in their New College of the Humanities.

E: So, Mr Gershwin, thanks for coming along to tell us about your hymn. It is very popular isn't it?

IG: Great to be here, Eccles. Yes, my hymn is sung by many atheists, and also by some of the more modern Christians. We heard it at the last Tablet Christmas pantomime for example... don't you think that Nicholas Lash and Tina Beattie made a wonderful pantomime horse?

Catherine Pepinster and her staff rehearsing for the Tablet Christmas pantomime

E: Yes, indeed, but let us look at your hymn. The t'ings dat yo' li'ble to read in de Bible, it ain't necessarily so. Well, I wouldn't like to be in your shoes if Peter Mullen or Damian Thompson were around - not exactly the Queen's English is it - but I guess that the general message is clear.

IG: Yes, it pains me to say this, but I cannot accept the literal truth of the entire Bible.

E: Fair enough. I think most of us can take it that the exact details of the stories of David and Goliath, Jonah and the whale, and Methuselah may be open to debate.

It don't necessarily contain a prophet.

IG: So we're agreed then.

E: Well, not exactly. For a start, you seem to limit yourself to rather obscure Old Testament legends, rather than actually attempting to tackle the more significant parts of the Bible. And then you give us some lines which can only be described as "utterly evil."

IG: As bad as that, eh? You don't mean my beautiful chorus?

Wadoo, zim bam boddle-oo,
Hoodle ah da wa da,
Scatty wah!
Oh yeah!...

E: No those are very moving words, and depict mental instability in a way that nobody has managed since - with the possible exception of Paul Inwood.

IG: Richard Dawkins sings those words in his bath. Can't get them out of his head.

E: My point exactly. No, I was really referring to:

Dey tells all you chillun
De debble's a villun,
But it ain't necessarily so!

Now, are you claiming that the Debble - er, Devil - is not the immensely evil personage depicted in traditional religious thinking, but rather a kind benevolent Rowan Williams sort of figure?

Probably not de Debble.

IG: Um, well, he's has a bad press, perhaps. Still I do have some good advice to give your readers.

To get into Hebben
Don' snap for a sebben!
Live clean! Don' have no fault!
Oh, I takes dat gospel
Whenever it's pos'ble,
But wid a grain of salt.

Hebben is not the only possible destination.

E: Ah yes, well, I'm sure we all wants to get into Hebben, Mr Gurblin (damn! you've got me doing it now). My advisers tell me that "Don' snap for a sebben!" is something to do with gambling, and obviously clean living and avoiding faults are also to be commended.

IG: Don't forget to take it with a grain of salt, Eccles!

E: Ah yes, so I would be allowed to snap for a few sebbens? And live slightly soiled with a few faults? Actually, that's rather reassuring. Thank you.

IG: You're welcome. Don't tell the atheists of your analysis, though, Eccles. Dey ain't necessarily gonna agree.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 12

Continued from Chapter 11

1. Thus it came to pass that Joseph Ratzinger, he whom they called Pope Benedict XVI, travelled to Britain.

2. For he said, "There are many pious and faithful Catholics on this island, who will be pleased to see me. Also many bishops, who would like to have their photographs taken with me."

3. But Richard had vowed to arrest Pope Benedict, and so he formed the Dawkins Constabulary.

The Dawkins Constabulary leaps into action

4. Led by Superintendent Dawkins and Inspector Hitchens, the team included the mighty Sergeant Grayling and two other men and women known for their forensic skills, namely, Constables Stephen Fry (an expert on credit-card fraud) and Johann Hari (an expert on plagiarism and cyber-bullying).

5. But the lawyers told Richard that he could not arrest the Pope, saying unto him, Nolle prosequi, which is the Latin for "Grow up, you silly little man."

6. But, just to be on the safe side, the Pope came to Britain in a mighty chariot, known as a Popemobile, which defended him from all ill.

Pope Benedict XVI, in his Popemobile, en route for Birmingham

8. And the Pope was protected by his mighty Swiss Guards; they were armed with state-of-the-art Swiss Army knives, which could remove a stone from a horse's hoof, open a packet of peanuts, or pierce the soul of a heretic.

9. But the Pope was merciful, and did not succumb to the temptation of going to Oxford to flatten the house of the author of The Blind Birdwatcher and all that God Confusion tripe.

10. Thus Richard, humiliated, slunk away, and turned his attention to attacking faith schools. For he had produced a hard-hitting television documentary, explaining how children were indoctrinated.

A fanatic attempts to brainwash children into his views on x, y and z

10. But many of the people who watched the documentary said, "Who is this nutter? He's just trying to indoctrinate us. Let us change the channel and watch Strictly Come Dancing, for this week we shall see Polly Toynbee dancing with Eric Pickles, a sight that no man has seen before."

11. And so, to Richard's great dismay, the Catholics continued to teach that 2+2=4, and other controversial doctrines.

And here's one to do at home when Mummy and Daddy have gone to bed

12. Thus, at end of the tenth year of the second millennium, Richard ceased not in his folly. And as he grew weaker, both bodily and mentally, the Lord God came unto him in a dream and said "Pack it in, you old fool."

13. But still he packed it not in.

Continued in Chapter 13.

Dakwins is commin

Our unsaved freind Farver Arfur knocked on de door in a grate panick, and said "Help, hide me! Proffesor Dakwins has discovvered dat I is reely a preist in good stand-in after all, and he is commin to arrest me!"

Our freind is talkin of de famuous Proffesor Richard Dakwins, author of many grate books, such as De Sellfish Watchmaker and De Gene Dellusion. As reggular reeders will know, he once gave my bruvver Bosco a prize for promottin athiesm so well with his luvvly blogg. Dis Dakwins is very unhappy cos he once wanted to arrest de Pop and everryone told him to stop bein a loony.

Pussonally I fink dis Dakwins aint real, I sent him my watch to repare, cos it was broken, and he never repplied.



Still, Farver Arfur is worried, becuase he is now Nubmer One on Dakwins's hit list. "Dakwins aint scared of de Pop now, cos he knows I got more infleunce," explaned our freind. "Sometimes I has to put de Pop straihgt when he shows tradditoinalist tendencies." It is true dat Farver Arfur has memorized all de Catacoms of de Churhc off by heart, so dat he can tell poeple like de Pop whennever dey is breakin dem.

"Ain't de Pop infallible like you?" I asked Farver Arfur. He explaned dat once every so often de Pop wakes up in de mornin and says "Ho hum, I is feelin infallible todday, I finks I will say somefink to wake em up." Of cuorse, he dont dare do dat wivvout askin Farver Arfur's advice first.

Dere is also a grate freind of Dakwins who is a phillosopher wiv funny hair, called Grailing. We fink he may be easy to spot if he turns up. Here is a pitcher of him and Mrs Dakwins talkin to an iddle.



Dat probably aint a dogg, so rellax and stop worryin.

"Has we got a costume holly man preist's hole in de huose, Bosco?" I asked my dere bruvver.

Well, we has got a cellar, but Anti Moly took it over, in case at 4 a.m. she needs a little drink for her poor parched thraot, after screemin at her lapptop all nihgt.



But it turns out dat we has also got a sort of cubpoard, where Farver Arfur may hide if Dakwins ever turns up. Dis is a pitcher of him in good standin outside it.



We was worried dat Anti Moly mihgt bettray Farver Arfur's whereabuots to Dakwins, but she says it is only woeful traddy Cathlics dats she hates, and dat you wuold never geuss dat Farver Arfur was relligiuos at all. So dat's OK.