You must be Joe King

It has been reported that Mr Justice King (real name not Joe, but Tim) has upheld the sacking of science teacher Robert Haye by Deptford Green School after he told children that homosexual activity was disgusting and a sin, according to the Bible.

A Bible - don't tell kids what's in it, eh, Joe?

It is surprising that Mr King has a particular antipathy to the Bible, as it contains various other passages which show him in an undeservedly favourable light, such as:

Be wise now therefore, O ye kings: be instructed, ye judges of the earth. Psalm 2:10.

A king that sitteth in the throne of judgment scattereth away all evil with his eyes. Proverbs 20:8.

Mr Justice King scattereth away all evil with his eyes.

But perhaps the good judge is more worried that the following verse may become well known:

They are all hot as an oven, and have devoured their judges; all their kings are fallen: there is none among them that calleth unto me. Hosea 7:7.

A fallen king, having been kneed in the groin by a bishop (probably Philip Egan).

Although Mr Haye is perfectly correct in pointing out that homosexual acts are regarded in a somewhat dim light by the Bible, he is on dodgier ground when he says "anyone who worships on Sunday is basically worshipping the Devil." So, if you wish to worship the Devil, Mr King, it's the second Wednesday in the month only (coffee is available after the service).

Devil worship (er, basically, that is).

We must not leave without mentioning one of Joe King's finest moments as a lawyer (apart from this one, of course). It seems that in 2006 he happily defended BNP leader Nick Griffin on charges of inciting racial hatred. Admittedly, in their pursuit of money, lawyers are often expected to defend people whose views they don't agree with. I couldn't find an acceptable photo of Nick Griffin, so here is the next best thing.

The acceptable face of griffinhood.

It has not yet been determined in a court of law whether it is acceptable for schoolteachers to tell their classes that Mr Justice King is a complete idiot. Perhaps they will be able to work it out for themselves.

I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic

With apologies, once again, to Gilbert and Sullivan.

All join in the singing, please.

I am the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic,
I teach that faith before the 1960s was dia-bo-lic.
The services in Latin we rewrote in the vernacular,
With errors in translation that were really quite spectacular.
We threw out all that chanting in the style known as Gregorian -
It's really just of interest to a dusty old historian!
No ancient hymns we now allow - of classics we won't have any -
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Chorus: 
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Paul Inwood discovers that Bishop Egan won't need him when he's 64.

We tore down all the altars and we put in common kitchen stuff. 
We threw out all the rit-u-als - but did we really ditch enough?
In short we now have services where worshippers at Mass fro-lic, 
According to the model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic.

A liberal Catholic visits a liberal shrine.

I like to read the Tablet, which is edited by Pepinster:
Adored by many bishops, such as Vincent N. of Westminster.
We've Curti, Duffy, Beattie, Stourton, Patten, and Ma Kennedy,
(The last one is a Baroness - for that there is no remedy).
We're very keen on selling all that's best in modern heresy -
The doctrines we support will often shock the modern clerisy.
One thing we cannot stand is any hint of Va-ti-can edict,
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

Chorus:
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

No space to mention Clifford Longley - sorry, Cliff!

With Francis now in Peter's chair, we'll give support conditional:
We hope he'll change the Church's views, but fear he is traditional.
What Christ and the apostles taught is simply not worth stating now:
We'll soon teach you some newer things, it all requires updating now!

"I'll tell you what to say when I've read the Tablet."

In fact, if you can twist Church teaching like a good contortionist,
And say there's nothing wrong when women visit an abortionist,
If you're prepared for family life and marriage to be redefined,
And marry someone of the same sex/ neither/ both/ or undefined -
Indeed, if you have views on Good and Evil of the haziest,
Which could have been made up just now by any half-wit atheist,
In fact if you reject tradition holy and apos-to-lic,
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

Chorus:
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

She'd make a mighty fine bishop, wouldn't she?

Rewriting scripture makes me feel just like a revolutionist,
But some say I am secular, and just a simple humanist,
Yet still, although my traddy critics say my views are sham-bo-lic,
I'm just the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic!

Evil? No, simply a modernist!

Eccles in the desert

Since it is Lent, I aint been bloggin during de week, cos I went out into de dessert to meditate on wot it means to be saved, and only came back on Sunday to get some clean socks. Soon I is gonna go to Rome and attend de conclave of cradinals wot is votin for a new Pop: I gotta luvvly red hat so I shuold be able to sneak in OK.

Cradinal Eccles.

I was hopin to go into de dessert alone, but two famuous comic characters wot is reggulars on dis blogg decided to come along too. First dere was my dere Anti Moly, who came laden wiv a big rucksack. "Wot is you carryin, Anti dere?" I asked.

"Rocks," replied my dere relative.

"But dey got rocks in de dessert," I explaned pateintly. "Dey doesn't need any more."

"Not dis sort, you pathetic sockpoppet," she replied luvvingly.

Anti Moly's Rocks.

De uvver one wot turned up was my freind Damain Thopmson, wot is called Holly Smock. I fink it was de word DESSERT wot attracted him, as he kept askin me strange questoins about whevver we would find lotsa custard out dere. I hope he aint gonna be disappointed. Anyways, it explanes why he aint written his usual blogg dis week.

We is on de right road!

Dere aint many desserts near Notting Hell, so we looked for a spiritaul wasteland instead, and ended up in Croydon. Dere I got tempted by de Devil, which is what normally happens to saved pussons. I aint gonna post a pitcher of the Devil, but he is a very charmin man wot is a Director of de Tablet.

De latest issue of de Tablet.

"OK, Eccles," said de Devil. "If you is saved, you gotta eat dem stones, as if dey was bread."

In fact dey was Anti Moly's rock cakes wot she had baked, in case she wanted some sollid food as well as de gin; but I was able to resist de temptatoin, havvin alreddy lost several teeth dat way in de past.

One of my Anti's molybdenite cakes.

De second fing de Devil did was to take me to de top of a Cathlic church and told me to jump off. Dat's de sort of fing dat Anti Moly's been sayin to me for years, so I resisted dat temptatoin too, cos I know what happens next, you gets hurt.

De church wot I didn't jump off, in de spiritaul dessert.

In fact de third fing de Devil wanted me to do was to bow down and worship him, and dat's annuver fing I is used to bein asked, cos my freind Damain Thopmson is always beggin me to do dat. If I ever does it, he will let me write a blogg for de Telegraph, like his uvver acollytes. So I said no to the Devil, cos I doesnt want to write for de Tablet, either.

"Ho hum," said de Devil. "Eccles, you aint no fun. Perhaps you reely is a saved pusson after all."

After he'd gone, de rest of de week was pretty dull. My Anti Moly was naggin me day and night, sayin dat I gotta vote for Cradinal Pell in de conclave, as she was in luv wiv him about 50 years ago. Damain still aint given me any giudance on who to vote for, he says dat cradinals aint been no good since de days of his hero Cradinal Wolsey, wot could reely keep his bishops in order.

Thomas Cromwell, Henry VIII and Cradinal Wolsey.

Well, I'll report again when I gets to Rome. Singed, Eccles (saved).

Tabloid survey on the new Mass translation

Not to be taken more than once a year.

Hello there, we at the Tabloid are conducting a totally impartial survey on the new translation of the liturgy (or "New Mass" as we call it). Please choose an option from each of the following.

1. The liturgy reached perfection in...
(a) 1973, when we finally got rid of Latin forever;
(b) 2011, when we introduced a rubbish translation with 
hard words in it;
(c) it will never reach perfection until Paul Inwood is 
given a free hand.

2. Which of the following do you prefer...
(a) "And also with you," friendly and polite;
(b) "And with your spirit," because I'm a pompous old fogey;
(c) "Yeah, right, mate, whatever."

3. When you say "...through my fault, through my fault, 
through my most grievous fault" do you...
(a) strike your breast, like a foolish old traddy;
(b) grin, knowing that the words are not to be taken literally;
(c) our priest skips this bit and we do a liturgical dance instead.

It was YOUR most grievous fault. Got that?

4. How well does the priest manage to say the new 
Eucharistic Prayers... 
(a) he gets them wrong, and corrects himself;
(b) he uses the old prayers because he is imbued with 
the spirit of Vatican II;
(c) he uses his own words ("mug" instead of "chalice" and 
"OK, there's coffee next door" instead of "Go forth, the 
Mass is ended."

Just as good as a "chalice."

5. How often do you see people around you in the pews still 
struggling to follow the new text? 
(a) always, with cries of "Help! What does 'consubstantial' 
mean, again?"
(b) never, because they still say the old one;
(c) er, we've not had anyone attending Mass since the 1970s. 

6. Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof?
(a) Oh yes I am;
(b) Oh no I'm not;
(c) What does this question mean, anyway?

7. Latin is the work of...
(a) the Devil;
(b) the Pope, whom we must resist at all costs;
(c) Julius Caesar, but what's he got to do with the Mass?

It's all his fault.

8.Are you reading the Tabloid because you are...
(a) an escaped lunatic;
(b) a layman in good standing;
(c) a miserable deacon who likes insulting people;
(d) a go-ahead liberal priest;
(e) a bishop/archbishop/cardinal;
(f) the Pope, Hans Küng, or someone of equal status?

Bad Hynms 10

Today the Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges will be looking at It ain't necessarily so, words by Ira Gershwin. If you Google "Top Ten Atheist Hymns," you find this one at Number 4, with the immortal Imagine at Number 1, and this song is what we shall hear when Anthony Grayling and Richard Dawkins lead the singing at prize-giving ceremonies in their New College of the Humanities.

E: So, Mr Gershwin, thanks for coming along to tell us about your hymn. It is very popular isn't it?

IG: Great to be here, Eccles. Yes, my hymn is sung by many atheists, and also by some of the more modern Christians. We heard it at the last Tablet Christmas pantomime for example... don't you think that Nicholas Lash and Tina Beattie made a wonderful pantomime horse?

Catherine Pepinster and her staff rehearsing for the Tablet Christmas pantomime

E: Yes, indeed, but let us look at your hymn. The t'ings dat yo' li'ble to read in de Bible, it ain't necessarily so. Well, I wouldn't like to be in your shoes if Peter Mullen or Damian Thompson were around - not exactly the Queen's English is it - but I guess that the general message is clear.

IG: Yes, it pains me to say this, but I cannot accept the literal truth of the entire Bible.

E: Fair enough. I think most of us can take it that the exact details of the stories of David and Goliath, Jonah and the whale, and Methuselah may be open to debate.

It don't necessarily contain a prophet.

IG: So we're agreed then.

E: Well, not exactly. For a start, you seem to limit yourself to rather obscure Old Testament legends, rather than actually attempting to tackle the more significant parts of the Bible. And then you give us some lines which can only be described as "utterly evil."

IG: As bad as that, eh? You don't mean my beautiful chorus?

Wadoo, zim bam boddle-oo,
Hoodle ah da wa da,
Scatty wah!
Oh yeah!...

E: No those are very moving words, and depict mental instability in a way that nobody has managed since - with the possible exception of Paul Inwood.

IG: Richard Dawkins sings those words in his bath. Can't get them out of his head.

E: My point exactly. No, I was really referring to:

Dey tells all you chillun
De debble's a villun,
But it ain't necessarily so!

Now, are you claiming that the Debble - er, Devil - is not the immensely evil personage depicted in traditional religious thinking, but rather a kind benevolent Rowan Williams sort of figure?

Probably not de Debble.

IG: Um, well, he's has a bad press, perhaps. Still I do have some good advice to give your readers.

To get into Hebben
Don' snap for a sebben!
Live clean! Don' have no fault!
Oh, I takes dat gospel
Whenever it's pos'ble,
But wid a grain of salt.

Hebben is not the only possible destination.

E: Ah yes, well, I'm sure we all wants to get into Hebben, Mr Gurblin (damn! you've got me doing it now). My advisers tell me that "Don' snap for a sebben!" is something to do with gambling, and obviously clean living and avoiding faults are also to be commended.

IG: Don't forget to take it with a grain of salt, Eccles!

E: Ah yes, so I would be allowed to snap for a few sebbens? And live slightly soiled with a few faults? Actually, that's rather reassuring. Thank you.

IG: You're welcome. Don't tell the atheists of your analysis, though, Eccles. Dey ain't necessarily gonna agree.

Ocult cymbals

I is gonna interupt my account of de plaques dat is inflictin my dere bruvver Bosco, because he have drawn my atention to a new menace... ocult cymbals!

Dey is evrywhere. Look at dis one. I seen it on my computter, perhaps its a virrus sent by Sattan.



Note dat it is full of mysstic cymbalism. It got de cross in the middle of 4 squares. De cross is a blasphemous thing wot leads Cathlics into iddletory, dey kisses it. Note also de XP, dat's Greek, it's de first letters of Christ, Bosco tells me. You sees it in some churches, but dey is blashpeming, takin de name of de Lord in vane. I was told dat dis cymbal means windows. Ha ha, I sez. You cant see frew four colored bits of glass, so dat's reely a cymbal wot means OK buster we is not lettin any lihgt frew, so you aint saved.



Dis one is a Brittish coin. Note dat in de Episstle of Peter, de Devil is describbed as a roarin lion seekin who he may devuor. (So is Anti Moly, but dat aint de point rihgt now.) It just goes to show dat de Brittish is enslaved by Sattanic forces, and even de people in de Royal Mint is servants of de Evil One. Why dey has even put a crown on de lion's head to show dat he is de king. Probbably dey is Cathlics, noboddy else would worhsip a lion.



Finally, dis example is proof dat de Telegrahp is takin us back to de dark ages wiv a caballistic loggo. Bosco explaned dis to me, dat if you looks at it carefully you sees a crecsent, which is de cymbal of Isslam. I fink de T stands for Thopmson. He's a well-known Cathlic (he claims to have joined de Calumny Chappel but I aint so sure now). He aint much better than a demmon, accordin to Bosco.

We has to be on our gaurd, dem ocult cymbals is everywhere!