You must be Joe King

It has been reported that Mr Justice King (real name not Joe, but Tim) has upheld the sacking of science teacher Robert Haye by Deptford Green School after he told children that homosexual activity was disgusting and a sin, according to the Bible.

A Bible - don't tell kids what's in it, eh, Joe?

It is surprising that Mr King has a particular antipathy to the Bible, as it contains various other passages which show him in an undeservedly favourable light, such as:

Be wise now therefore, O ye kings: be instructed, ye judges of the earth. Psalm 2:10.

A king that sitteth in the throne of judgment scattereth away all evil with his eyes. Proverbs 20:8.

Mr Justice King scattereth away all evil with his eyes.

But perhaps the good judge is more worried that the following verse may become well known:

They are all hot as an oven, and have devoured their judges; all their kings are fallen: there is none among them that calleth unto me. Hosea 7:7.

A fallen king, having been kneed in the groin by a bishop (probably Philip Egan).

Although Mr Haye is perfectly correct in pointing out that homosexual acts are regarded in a somewhat dim light by the Bible, he is on dodgier ground when he says "anyone who worships on Sunday is basically worshipping the Devil." So, if you wish to worship the Devil, Mr King, it's the second Wednesday in the month only (coffee is available after the service).

Devil worship (er, basically, that is).

We must not leave without mentioning one of Joe King's finest moments as a lawyer (apart from this one, of course). It seems that in 2006 he happily defended BNP leader Nick Griffin on charges of inciting racial hatred. Admittedly, in their pursuit of money, lawyers are often expected to defend people whose views they don't agree with. I couldn't find an acceptable photo of Nick Griffin, so here is the next best thing.

The acceptable face of griffinhood.

It has not yet been determined in a court of law whether it is acceptable for schoolteachers to tell their classes that Mr Justice King is a complete idiot. Perhaps they will be able to work it out for themselves.

The Eccles Bible project

One of the problems about debating with atheists is that they don't seem to know what's in the Bible, and which bits are the most important.

Goliath - the tallest man in the Bible, but only the 709th most important.

Let us create an imaginary atheist called Richard. He reads the Book of Genesis, and spots a legend about a talking snake. "Aha!" he says. "The Bible consists of nothing but fairy stories."

Or perhaps he opens the Bible at the psalms, and spots that these are poetical, and could be sung. "Aha! The Bible consists of nothing but songs!" But then he tries to sing the immortal words Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias; and Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias. What a bore! (Actually, you CAN sing those words, to the tune of "Dem Bones.")

Joatham - known mostly for his begetting.

Somewhere along the way, atheists get very excited and start talking about "bronze-age goatherds." Nobody knows why, but it is clearly a killer argument, the point being that in the bronze age people weren't as bright as those of us in the silicon age. Having computers and mobile phones made entirely of bronze, our herding ancestors didn't get round to inventing the internet, DNA, and lasagne, so they consoled themselves by inventing philosophy and theology instead. Losers, eh?

Suncream - invented by bronze-age goatherds.

The New Testament is a big stumbling-block to atheists, whose main conclusions are:

1. Jesus didn't exist.
2. He never said all the things attributed to Him. Nobody could have.
3. He didn't do miracles, as people just don't.
4. If He was crucified, it didn't kill him. It didn't hurt at 
all, really.
5. And after not dying, He stayed dead.
6. Really, He was just a very good person, like (choose as 
appropriate) Bertrand Russell, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, 
Princess Diana or Eva Perón.

Bertrand Russell - like God, only cleverer.

Look, dear atheists, I am not mocking you. When I was a child I thought like a child (we'll come back to this later). I would go into a classroom at school, and be handed a frog. What should I do with it?

1. Dissect it (Biology)?
2. Cook it and eat it (Domestic science)?
3. Shout "Voici une grenouille!" (French)?
4. Write a poem about it (English)?
5. Paint its portrait (Art)?
6. Throw it at the boy next door (Sport)?

"If you don't mind, I'd prefer options 3, 4 or 5."

Thus, we announce the start of the Eccles Bible Project, which little-by-little will take each book of the Bible in turn and explain it in simple terms. This will require me to do some reading too, especially when we get onto chaps like Habakkuk, who don't really deserve a whole book to themselves.

Coming soon - Genesis!

Bad Hymns 17

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have received a nomination for the hymn which starts "How lovely on the mountains are the feet of Him," and today we welcome its author, Le­o­nard E. Smith, who will explain it to us.

A lovely foot.

Eccles: Leonard, thank you for coming along to talk to us. Now what's all this about lovely feet?

Leonard: It's from Isaiah 52, Eccles. I opened my Bible at random, found those words and noticed that nobody had thought of using them before. So I grabbed them for my hymn.

E: Brilliant idea, Leonard. Let me try doing that (opens Bible). Ah yes, Isaiah 27. And luckily nobody has used these words either!

In that day the Lord with his great and strong sword
Shall punish Leviathan, Leviathan!
The piercing serpent, yes, the crooked serpent -
In the sea! In the sea!

CHORUS: In the sea! In the sea! In the se-e-e-ea! In the sea!

E (doubtfully): But what does it mean?

L: Who cares? It looks like you've got a certain hit there, Eccles.

E: Still, let's discuss your hymn. What's this chorus of yours? It sounds like "I got drains," sung in an American accent. Ah got drains!

CHORUS: I got drains! I got drains! I got dra-a-a-ains! I got drains!

L: If you look at the actual words, Eccles, it's "Our God reigns," and...

E: Our God? Is there more than one, then? No, do go on.

L: We sing those three simple words a total of 24 times in the hymn. Can I claim the record?

E: Possibly, Leonard, I don't remember offhand. But would it be fair to say that, all things considered, reading between the lines, and so on, that you are trying to convey the secret message Our God reigns?

L: Drat, you guessed it. It was suppose to be a subliminal idea concealed in the hymn.

E: Oh, by now I'm quite good at picking these up.

L: Well, shall I write you another hymn before I go? (Opens Bible). Aha! Isaiah 37.

Because thy rage against me, and thy tumult,
Came to mine ears, mine ears,
Therefore will I put my hook into thy nose -
In thy nose, In thy nose!

CHORUS: In thy nose! In thy nose! In thy no-o-o-ose! In thy nose!

E: Magnificent! Le­o­nard E. Smith, thank you very much.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.

Obama explains how the Bible supports him

President Barack Obama, well known to be a very devout Christian, has released an advert explaining how his policies are based on Biblical writings.

Cain and Abel - an economic lesson for us all.

"I base my economic policies on the much-loved story of Cain and Abel," explained the President. "Abel was a rich man, able to make the Lord a good offering, whereas Cain was poor, and came from a broken family, driven out of their home in Eden. What was he to do but kill Abel? Only the most die-hard Republicans would criticise him."

Hurricane Obama (formerly Sandy).

"Hurricane Obama (formerly known as Sandy) is another sign that the Lord is with me. Recall the verses of Jeremiah:

 This is what the Lord Almighty says:
'Look! Disaster is spreading
    from nation to nation;
a mighty storm is rising
    from the ends of the earth.'

The fact that New York has been badly devastated at this time is a sign that the Lord is telling the people of America 'Vote for that nice man Obama!'"

The Gadarene swine - doing Christ's bidding.

"I have always liked the story of the Gadarene swine - indeed, when people accuse me of leading America over a cliff, both morally, economically and socially, I say to them, 'But it is what Christ is telling us to do!'"

Kids! Horrid things! Let's kill them!

"Some of you may be wondering how the Bible justifies my policies on late-term abortion and even partial-birth abortion. I take my lead from King David, no less, who said, in one of his chart-topping psalms:

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones 
against the stones.

I hope we'll hear no more complaints about abortion, especially as my Vice-President, saintly Joe Biden, tells me that his sincerely-held Catholic faith leads directly to a pro-abortion standpoint. He's a great admirer of King Herod, and always has a good laugh on Holy Innocents' Day."

The Beast of the Apocalypse - have we misjudged him?

"The word 'apocalypse' is from the Greek word Ἀποκάλυψις, which means 'revelation' or 'unveiling.' I have always felt it my duty to bring an apocalypse to the United States. One character in the book of the Apocalypse - who, like me, has had a bad press in some right-wing circles - is known to his friends as 'Beast,' just as I am. A much misjudged character, who merely wanted to stick to his principles, as I do."

"I hope this puts an end to all talk questioning my religious faith."

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 8

Continued from Chapter 7

1. So it came to pass that Richard produced the two great achievements of his life, by which he will be remembered by his children; yeah, also by his children's children.

2. But probably not by his children's children's children, who will certainly prefer The Very Hungry Caterpillar to The God Delusion, thus showing that an interest in zoology may be passed on with the genes, even if fanatical atheism may not.

A serious rival to "The God Delusion"

3. We shall speak of The Richard Dawkins Foundation in the next chapter, but now we must record Richard's achievements as a writer.

4. For the time had come for Richard to begin his greatest work. He took the top off his pen, meditated deeply for three hours, and then wrote a sentence that would strike terror into the hearts of all believers everywhere.

5. THE BIBLE DOES NOT EXIST.

6. But then Richard realised that this was too controversial, and he wrote down some alternative propositions.

7. For he said, "Well, maybe the Bible does exist. But it does not mention God. Nor does it mention Jesus. And the people who wrote the Gospels didn't exist. And Jesus did not say the words attributed to Him. Nobody did.

8. And Jesus was not born of Mary, but of someone else. The Magi did not bring gold, frankincense and myrrh; they brought toys, baby clothes, and a pushchair."

Much more useful than a pot of myrrh

9. And Richard continued to write his powerful refutation of religious thought. For he told the world, "Jesus was actually killed during the massacre of the innocents. Also, Jesus did not raise Lazarus from the dead. The man was 'just resting.' And Jesus drowned when He tried to walk on water.

10. Moreover, Jesus did not feed 5000 people, only 4721. It is well known that Jesus was never crucified, in fact He is alive and well and living in Jesus College, Oxford. Finally, when Jesus rose from the dead He found He couldn't move the stone, and decided to die again."

Moving stones like this isn't as easy as it looks.

11. And the people who read these powerful arguments said to themselves, "Why, even if only one of these statements is true, it is surely one in the eye for the Christians, and they will have to close down all the churches."

12. And then Richard learned of our Lord's summary of the Law. And he said "ROFL!"

13. Which, being translated, means, "I cannot love the Lord my God, as He does not exist. And I cannot love anyone as much as I love myself.

The Dawkins family motto

14. For which of my neighbours is worthy of my love? Dr Hahn, who works on the next chicken to me, down at the Zoology labs, he whose mobile ringtone goes 'Cluck cluck cluck,' which is driving me mad?

15. Or the Regius Professor of Topology and Escapology, my neighbour at New College, he who can turn his underwear inside-out without removing it from his body (and how I wish he wouldn't do it in public)? Or old Mrs Jagaroth, my neighbour in our Oxford suburb, she who complains when my wife Lalla throws a party for her old friends?"

A noisy party at Dawkins Abbey

16. So Richard's book was published to great acclaim. For some critics said, "Is it not worthy of a Nobel Prize for Literature? Or at least the Laurel and Hardy memorial prize for knockabout humour?"

17. However, the Oz Foundation awarded Richard their "Straw Man" prize, for they said "He presenteth straw man arguments, which would not convince anyone who had any brains."

"I've always found Richard's 'straw man' arguments very convincing."

Continued in Chapter 9

De Bosco Cod

Bosco is a grate reader of de Bibble, but not de bits where it tells you dat sinnin is wrong. Here he is wiv a member of de Calumny Chappel Bibble Studdy Gruop lookin for loopholes in Scrippture.



Bosco has long maintained dat de Bibble contains all de knowlegde of the world, includdin sceince, and prophessy. He says dat de words of King James (wot wrote de Bibble) contains even de name of de winnin horse at de Lake Hellsinus Darby, if you knows where to find it.

Bosco proofed dis to me by showin me two verses from de Bibble (I has cut and passted so any spellin mistakes aint my fualt here).

2 Kings 22:1.
Josiah was eight years old when he began to reign, and he reigned thirty and one years in Jerusalem. And his mother's name was Jedidah, the daughter of Adaiah of Boscath.

2 Samuel 22:4.
I will call on the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.

Note dat de words we has sellected says "Boscath is saved," which is clearly de Bibble's way of tellin my bruvver dat he is chossen by Jessus. I was askin him if he could find some other good phrases, like "Eccles is saved," "Anti Moly is mellting down," and "Farver Arfur is reely a preist," but he said dat it took a lifetime of studdy to get dis sort of wissdom from de Bibble.

Here's anuvver example for de sceintific reader.

Genesis 46:16
And the sons of Gad; Ziphion, and Haggi, Shuni, and Ezbon, Eri, and Arodi, and Areli.

Job 31:33
If I covered my transgressions as Adam, by hiding mine iniquity in my bosom.

As you can see, dis is predictin de Haggs Bosom, wot is a God particule, no wonder it's in de Bibble. Dey's been usin de Large Haddock Collider to look for it. I asked Anti Moly if we cuold expect to see a hag's bossom soon, and she said "Nope, I keeps my clothes on when I has a bath." What can she mean?



Meanwhile, we is all worried about Farver Arfur, who is hidin, in case Richard Dakwins comes to arrest him. Farver Arfur spends all his time on de telephon to de Pop, explainin to him dat he is a rotten traddy what breaks de Catacoms of de Churhc. Dem Cathlics sure is strange.

Dis is Farver Arfur trying to hide in de celler, when de door bell rings and he finks it might be Dakwins, or maybe his freind Polly Tonybee.



In fact it was just a door-to-door iddle salesman. We buoght one for Farver Arfur, as it looks a little bit like Bosco after he's been doin a hard nihgt's Bibble Studdy, lookin for de name of de winner of de Lake Hellsinus Darby. Bein an unsaved cosstume holly man, Farver Arfur has allways gotta have an iddle to kiss, or he pines away.



I is gonna end today's blogg wiv a pitcher of an evil fiend incarnnate, dat Bosco says is probbably a lesbain, cos he says all nuns is. Dis one is readin an encyclicall from de Pop, which mentoins Farver Arfur. De title is De Sacerdote Insano Persequente, whattever dat may mean.