Saint of the week

In the beginning was the wood.

St Pinocchio is venerated in many South American churches.

Pinocchio is an unusual saint, having originally been constructed as a wooden puppet. His life is well documented in Carlo Collodi's biography, but his main claim to fame is the story of his nose. As Pope Francis explained in his sermon on St Pinocchio's day: "The nose of St Pinocchio is a lesson to all of us. It grew in length whenever he told lies, thus teaching him the Christian virtues of truth and honesty."

Pinocchio, before he became human (and saved).

Knowing that the new Holy Father looks favourably on the representation of St Pinocchio at Mass, many traditionalist parishes - such as Our Lady of the Rosary in Blackfen, the Church of Our Saviour in New York City, and Santissima Trinità dei Pellegrini in Rome - are expecting to employ giant dolls as an aid to worship in the near future.

The Brompton Oratory - when will we see Pinocchio puppets at Solemn High Mass?

St Pinocchio himself later became human - indeed, the wood became flesh, as St John almost put it. The circumstances of his eventual death are unclear, and some versions of the legend state that "he lived happily ever after." In that case he is still around somewhere, perhaps even writing a blog.

Other religious figures seen at High Mass (note Melvyn Bragg behind Our Lord).

Bad Hymns 17

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have received a nomination for the hymn which starts "How lovely on the mountains are the feet of Him," and today we welcome its author, Le­o­nard E. Smith, who will explain it to us.

A lovely foot.

Eccles: Leonard, thank you for coming along to talk to us. Now what's all this about lovely feet?

Leonard: It's from Isaiah 52, Eccles. I opened my Bible at random, found those words and noticed that nobody had thought of using them before. So I grabbed them for my hymn.

E: Brilliant idea, Leonard. Let me try doing that (opens Bible). Ah yes, Isaiah 27. And luckily nobody has used these words either!

In that day the Lord with his great and strong sword
Shall punish Leviathan, Leviathan!
The piercing serpent, yes, the crooked serpent -
In the sea! In the sea!

CHORUS: In the sea! In the sea! In the se-e-e-ea! In the sea!

E (doubtfully): But what does it mean?

L: Who cares? It looks like you've got a certain hit there, Eccles.

E: Still, let's discuss your hymn. What's this chorus of yours? It sounds like "I got drains," sung in an American accent. Ah got drains!

CHORUS: I got drains! I got drains! I got dra-a-a-ains! I got drains!

L: If you look at the actual words, Eccles, it's "Our God reigns," and...

E: Our God? Is there more than one, then? No, do go on.

L: We sing those three simple words a total of 24 times in the hymn. Can I claim the record?

E: Possibly, Leonard, I don't remember offhand. But would it be fair to say that, all things considered, reading between the lines, and so on, that you are trying to convey the secret message Our God reigns?

L: Drat, you guessed it. It was suppose to be a subliminal idea concealed in the hymn.

E: Oh, by now I'm quite good at picking these up.

L: Well, shall I write you another hymn before I go? (Opens Bible). Aha! Isaiah 37.

Because thy rage against me, and thy tumult,
Came to mine ears, mine ears,
Therefore will I put my hook into thy nose -
In thy nose, In thy nose!

CHORUS: In thy nose! In thy nose! In thy no-o-o-ose! In thy nose!

E: Magnificent! Le­o­nard E. Smith, thank you very much.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.

No sinners in de Chappel

Bosco, it panes me to record dis story, but we has got to face de facts. An ennemy has claimed dat dere is a sinner in de Calumny Chappel. Dat is strange as we is all saved.

Anyway, Pastor Al Symphony got an strange letter yesterdday, sayin "YOU HAS A SINNER IN DE CALUMNY CHAPPEL. Singed, a well-wisher". We couldn't find out who dis Mr Well-Wisher was, he aint in de phon book, so we finks it may be a sockpuppet. We told Anti Moly, who had been up all nihgt bloggin, and she said it was a rabit and she wanted to eat his donkeys. Sometimes she dont make a lot of sense.

Pastor Al called us all toggether, and said "We in de Calumny Chappel is born again and so we doesnt sin, but maybe dere is a vipper in de bossom. I gonna list a few common sins and if you has done dem, you gotta confess."

"Has you made a cemment iddle?"
"No, dat's de most evil sin anyone can do!" shouted Bosco. He turned to his little statue of St Peter dat he carries wiv im at all times in case he needs to pray. "Aint it, Pete?"

"Has you attempted to kill your little bruvver wiv a South Americcan blowpip?"
Bosco went very red then. Did I mention dat he have taken up smokkin a pip? Perhaps dis is affectin his luvvly complexoin.

"Has you been allowin sinners into your house?"
We is OK on dat one. Dere was an old Cathlic priest came round collectin for one of his vile charrities, I fink it was de widows and orphans. We set Anti Moly on him and he ran screemin down de road.

"No?" asked de Pastor. "Well dat proves it, we is all free from sin. I aint surprised, after all we is all saved. We shall now sing a hynm."

Oh come, all ye sinless
Joyfull and triumphant
Oh come ye, dat's all been saved,
To Ca-a-lum-ny.
Jesus says dat we is
Absolutely rightoeus.
Thank God we is so perfect,
Thank God we is so perfect,
Thank God we is so perfect,
We, dat's been saved!

Bosco was so pleased dat he went out and got some special clothes, so dat everyone in de street would know he was saved, includdin a funny ring dat he wears round his head. De eagle-eyed will notiss dat he dont have a big nose any more. It fell off and we couldnt save it. But who needs a big nose in Heavn?



Dem is de keys to de Calumny Chappel dat he is holdin. Pastor Al let Bosco pose wiv dem for de fambly albbum.

Bosco's new blogg

I was explanin dat Bosco had got a new much larger nose, owin to de intervvention of St Peter, and dat dis was a mark of favour from de Lord, meaning dat Bosco is even more saved dan he was before.

One of de friuts of de Spirit was dat we got an e-mail from Damain Thopmson, de editor of de Telegrahp bloggs. Damain met us a few months ago when he was in Callifornia. He was sayin dat dere werent so many religgious bloggs as dere used to be (George Pitcher too worried about his bruvver, Geralld Warner sacked, Cristina Oddone gettin a bit crazy, etc. etc.) Damain himself is only writin bloggs about Joanne Hairy and Rebecka Brooks, so what de Telegrahp needs is an incissive commontater on religious topics.

I cuold do it myself, but Bosco is de master of Engglish prose, de langauge of Shakespare and Jeffrey Archer. Damain said, "Well, before we gives you a contract to write a Telegrahp blogg, could you suggest 10 topics dat you mihgt write about?"

Here is Bosco's list.
1. Cathlics aint saved.
2. Cathlics is idolaters wot kiss statues.
3. Don't be a Cathlic, dey is bad.
4. If you is Cathlic you gotta keep bits of corpses in de fridge.
5. Bosco is saved, Eccles is saved, but de Pop aint saved.
6. Dem Cathlics wont stop worshippin gravven images.
7. Its better to be an athiest dan a Cathlic, you never see dem bowin to images.
8. Look I told you folks, you is gonna go to Hell if you are Cathlic.
9. Didnt de Pop burn 10,000 peeple last week for owning a Bibble?
10. Cathlics! Aintcha sickofem?

Damain was a bit stuned and he said he'd let Bosco know, perhaps it mihgt be better to ask de fammous lawyer chap who keeps writin bloggs complanin about his kids wot cant sing.

Bosco finks I should mention a pssalm from de Book of Chuck, what we recites in our Calumny Chappel worhsip:

Roses is red,
Voilets is blue.
I been saved,
How about you?

Bosco my dere, de Calumny Chappel is alreddy venerratin you wiv your long nose. Look what we got here.

Bosco finds St Peter

Well dat was a disasster, wasnt it, Bosco, my dere bruvver. We lunched a raid on de herretics at de Calvados Chappel, dem wot scribled "Bosco, you aint saved" on de wall of the dining room. For Jessus had spoke to us and said "Beet em up good and propper, you servvants of de Lord".

De plan was to brake into de Calvados Chapule and stick supergleu on de foot of de iddle of St Peter dat dey got (dey calls him St Dracula, but we knows it is reely St Peter), so dat de first person to kiss de foot (probabbly Pastor Nosferatu) would be stuck to it. Den we could shout "You aint saved, is you, you loser?"

Here is de statue of St Peter.



Well we went to de Calvados service, which I has to say is very similar to what Bosco and me does in de Calumny Chappel. Dey had a momment of sillent prayer when Pastor Nosferatu said "Shut up my brethren" and de congreggation said "We shuts up for de Lord". Bosco aint very good at being sillent and I heard him prayin "Oh God, Eccles is such a pane, make him stop writtin dat ghastlly blogg before he gets us both arested. PS Dont forget I am one of de saved ones, so dis is a proirity prayer."

Den Pastor Nosferatu stood up and said, "We got visitors tonihgt, and we invites em to be de first to kiss de stateu of St Dracula". Bosco wasnt paying attention and frew force of habbit he rushed up and kissed de foot of St Peter/Dracula. De big toe broke off and got stuck to his nose wiv supergleu, makin it twice as big as ussual. De Calvados Chapule folk cried out "Dat's a sign of special blessin from de Lord. Is it not written in de Song of Solomon 'Thy nose is as de tower of Lebbanon which looketh toward Dammascus'?" (Yes, I fink it is, but dats a song dat we don't sing very often in de Calumny Chappel.)

Anyway, we is now makin our peace wiv de Calvados Chapule, dey aint saved as much as we is, but dey aint bad chaps reely, not like dem Cathlics, who is de reel ennemy. Dey promissed not to write "Bosco, you aint saved" on any more walls, as a man wiv a big hooter is surely marked out for Salivation.

Here is Bosco wiv his new nose, but he aint very happy wiv it, he says it tickles.