Joe Biden demonstrates his position on gay marriage
E: Now, Mr Biden, you first came to the attention of the British public over 20 years ago, when you were detected plagiarising a speech of Neil Kinnock. Would you care to comment on that?
JB: Eccles, I wish to totally, utterly, absolutely and unequivocally deny, rebut, refute and contradict your statement. When I was a poor, penniless and deprived boy in the Welsh valleys, being sent down the pit at the age of three, along with my aged, decrepit, feeble and disabled ninety-year-old granny in a wheelchair, I realised that the only way to escape from my chains was...
E: I hate to cut you short there, Mr Biden, but perhaps we could move on to what is surely the cornerstone of your life, the Catholic faith.
It's not always a good idea to copy Neil Kinnock.
JB: Yes, as I go along life's road, I always let my love of Jesus and the Catholic faith guide me.
E: So naturally, you oppose abortion, which has been condemned by the Catholic church, and many other Christians, pretty consistently over the last 2000 years?
JB: Well, naturally, except in special circumstances of course. For example, if the mother is pregnant. Then I think you have to allow it.
E: I gather that the church penalty for abortions at any stage of pregnancy is excommunication. Have you in fact been excommunicated?
JB: No, but then you see I've never had an abortion. But I feel that it's my human right to have one, if ever I want one.
E: I heard a rumour that your friend Barack - (checks notes) - ah yes, Obama, is in favour of killing all babies under the age of two and eating them?
JB: No, in fact that was just the view of a Democratic think-tank. Teddie Kennedy suggested drowning babies, but then he thought all problems could be solved by drowning people.
E: Your own view, then?
JB: Theologically, it's very much a grey area. I certainly wouldn't go as far as eating babies.
Herod the Great. Didn't go as far as eating babies.
E: Still - correct me if I'm wrong, or even if I'm right - aren't your views on many moral issues in clear contradiction to the views of the Catholic church?
JB: Eccles, I think you have to accept that our views on right and wrong are constantly evolving. Adultery, lying, cheating, etc. - all these used to be condemned as sins, but now Bill Clinton is one of the most respected politicians we have.
E: Vice President Biden, thank you for your moral guidance.
The motto of the Biden family
