I'm a Catholic and I'm O.K.

Here at last is the song that will offend Obama, Cameron, Hollande, Kenny, ... All of them. If you don't know the tune, you can find it here.

Oh, I'm a Catholic, and I'm okay,
I go to church and I like to pray.

The choir

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, I genuflect,
I say the Rosary.
On Fridays I go shopping
And eat just fish for tea.

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, he genuflects,
He says the Rosary.
On Fridays he goes shopping
And eats just fish for tea.

Probably a Catholic bird.

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, confess my sins,
I feel that God is near.
I don't think that abortion
Is such a good idea.

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, confesses sins,
He feels that God is near.
He doesn't think abortion is such a good idea???
WHAT???

A nasty pro-life Catholic fiend. We hates them.

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, I shun divorce,
I'm definitely pro-life.
I don't think that two men can
Be called "husband and wife".

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, he shuns divorce
He's definitely pro-life??? How dare he?
He doesn't think two men can be called "husband and wife"???
Bigot! Lock him up!

Oh Bevis! And I always thought you were a Tablet Catholic!

Three grim histories

Palestine, 4 BC.

King Enda the Great, leader of the Fine Galilee party, today expelled four of his members for opposing the new Massacre of the Innocents law, which would "protect life" by slaughtering all babies up to the age of two years old.

King Enda, with a very apprehensive-looking baby.

As "Enda Life" explained, "There is no room in my party for people who, for sentimental or religious reasons, refuse to go along with my life-saving 'kill kill kill' policy. In fact, the religious argument is completely bogus, since the Chief Priest, Diar-muid Mar-tin, refuses to excommunicate me - as everyone knows, I am considered to be a devout and pious member of the Church."

A more traditional photo of Enda the Great.

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Meanwhile, in Wales, a law of "presumed consent" has been passed, stating that anyone found to be dead - or nearly dead - may be recycled for spare parts. This is likely to be extended to cover people who sit still for too long, or fall asleep in a public place, as they may also be presumed dead.

No waiting. It's really not a good idea. Keep moving. There's a doctor watching.

It is thought that the idea may pass to Scotland, where Messrs Burke and Hare, who run a flourishing "spare parts" business in Edinburgh, have expressed enthusiastic support for the Welsh legislation.

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Finally, in Texas, a group of pro-abortion activists has been seen crying "Hail Satan!" This will be seen as a very positive step by many U.S. Catholics, such as Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, showing as it does that, despite minor differences of religious doctrine, it is still possible for Catholics and Satanists to reach agreement on a number of important issues, such as the excellence of abortion! It's a great day for ecumenism!

The time for religious conflict such as this is over!

The diary of a nobody

June 4th. Represented Ballydancer in a hurling match. The aim was to hurl as many insults at the Vatican as possible in 90 minutes. I managed to keep ranting for the whole period without taking a breath. "Well done, Father Flummery!" said the spectators.

Ladies' hurling. Of course the Vatican wants to stop it.

June 5th: Still in a state of open warfare with the Vatican. Went to the Ballydancer post office to collect my mail - they won't deliver it to the house since I poured a plate of Irish stew over the postman, mistaking him for my bishop.

My letter of complaint to Pope Benedict has been returned, marked "Gone away!" Apparently there's a new pope, called Francis. They kept that one a secret didn't they? I expect they did that to confuse me and my secret society CRAP - The Catholic Revolutionary Association of Priests.

The new Pope (in front, with giant fish). But nobody told Tony Flummery, did they?

June 6th: Read the Tablet. Very good, as is the National Catholic Reporter. They're taking up my case against the Vatican. "Justice for Flummery!" suggested that nice woman, Catherine Peppermint. They also suggest writing to Basil Loftus, who can always be relied on to say something to irritate Catholics.

June 7th: I am a great admirer of Enda Life, our Taoiseach, so I went into the street with a banner "Enda Life for Jesus." Enda's a fine Gael, the finest you ever saw. My brother Frankenstein works for him, you know. At the moment we are all campaigning for lots of lovely abortion in Ireland - if that doesn't annoy Pope Benedict Francis, I don't know what else will!

Enda Kenny plays "When Irish eyes are smiling" on a giant tin of shoe-polish.

June 8th: Spent the day working on my latest book, Judas Iscariot - the first rebel against the Vatican. The man was an inspiration to us all.

June 9th (Sunday): Said Mass at Ballydancer. It seems that there is a new translation of the Missal. It's terrible. I got as far as "consubstantial with the Father" and then fell to the ground in a fit, foaming at the mouth. It seems that I'll be spending next week in the Ballydancer Infirmary. I'll bet that the Vatican doesn't send anyone round with grapes.

Someone fixed this to my hospital bed! I suspect the CDF.

Anonymous blogging

Some readers have questioned whether my name is really Eccles, and whether my brother is really called Bosco, or my great-aunt called Moly. Of course all this is perfectly true - why would I want to deceive you? However, I have been accused of cowardice for (allegedly) blogging and tweeting anonymously, especially as some of my posts have been misinterpreted as attacks on the vain, the proud, the self-important and the stupid - which are protected but scarcely endangered species.

Two anonymous bloggers discuss hermeneutics.

Still there is a long tradition of strivers for justice, honesty, truth, beauty, world peace, a sound digestion, good weather, ... where was I? Oh yes, a long tradition of doing such things anonymously. Sometimes it is enough to put on a pair of glasses and call yourself Clark Kent to become impenetrably disguised as a journalist. At the Catholic Herald they once tried something similar...

Mild-mannered Dr William Oddie, Damian Thompson and Ed West under cover.

What happens if you're not anonymous? Well, if you're a pro-life GP, be very afraid. Farewell to the Hippocratic oath, hello to Abortion. Your first words to a pregnant mother should be "Oh dear, I am so sorry. Shall I arrange a termination?" and not "Congratulations, you must be very please!" Be warned - we're coming for you, and your family, and your dog, and your cat, and your hamster, and... anyway, don't you dare fight abortion!

The Scarlet Pimpernel - another blogger with a secret identity.

Or you might be a professor in a politically-correct university (aren't they all?), who dares to oppose the Equality and Diversity party line - perhaps you think that, hey, homosexual sex is a bad thing...? Or that marriage is something to do with a man and a woman? Or that Islam is actually a false religion? Well, if you want to keep your job, or at least to avoid being mobbed by students with too much time on their hands, you'd better not say so!

The Lone Ranger, with patent Zuhlsdorf^TM heretic-smiter.

It was always thus. Saul of Tarsus, originally a big shot in the looking-after-coats-during-stonings business (and general smiting of Christians) was forced to blog under the pseudonym of Paul, especially when putting forward controversial notions about faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of them being love (or charity, if you prefer). He was still harassed by people who thought that the three virtues were diversity, political correctness and being green -- and the greatest of these is being green.

St Paul, arrested for not being green.

So be nice to our anonymous bloggers, and remember that some of the greatest people in history traded under a variety of aliases (or sockpuppets). One thinks of Our Lord, who managed to have numerous Oxbridge colleges named after Him, simply by using the aliases Christ, Corpus Christi, Emmanuel, Jesus, Trinity, ... and, if you believe Dan Brown, His wife's name Magdalen(e), too.

Brasenose (formerly Brazen Nose), not believed to be one of the names of God.

Numbers

So we reach Chapter 4 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who is trying to get to grips with theology. We have already seen Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus.

This is not really what the Book of Numbers is about.

Still, some numbers do appear in the book of that name: Moses starts off by counting his people, and comes up with a total of 603,550 men over the age of 20, fit for military service (they are expecting trouble, then...). Rather a lot, really. I had always thought in terms of a smallish flock, but here we have something like the population of Glasgow - since the women and children are presumably not included in this figure.

Some of the Children of Glasgow prepare for a fight.

Anyway, once the census is over, there are various adventures in the desert. The Levites play a prominent part, as people of that tribe don't do military service, but are reserved for religious duties - perhaps a bit hard on those who wanted to become chartered accountants or manufacturers of jeans.

For about forty years, the people of Israel - who are chosen by God, although they don't really find out why until much later - wander in the desert, and most of this takes place in the book of Numbers. Aaron will die, and Moses will be told that he also cannot go into the promised land.

It's not really important, except as a nice story, but let's mention Balaam and his talking donkey. Balaam wants to go and curse the Israelites, because Balak the King of Moab asked him to. But an angel stops him.

Balaam's donkey sees the angel, and gets hit as a result.

So basically, the people of Israel are under God's protection. This makes them very unpopular with the hosts of Midian, whom they basically decide to massacre. Not to mention the Canaanites. Not to mention Stephen Hawking.

Stephen Hawking - sticking up for the Midianites.

Richard, old fruit, I know you're distinctly unhappy with this bit of the Bible. Why is a loving God telling the Israelites to kill people? Even evil people, who indulged in things like prostitution, abortion, and same-sex marriage? Why, aren't we lucky that we don't do things like that ourselves, eh? We might be in deep trouble!

I don't think a caption is needed...

All right, so basically the Israelites are going to do God's will, and as a result they will get preferential treatment. We have one more book of the Pentateuch/Torah to go (i.e., Deuteronomy), and this will see us through to the end of Moses.

Moses and the bronze snake (Numbers 21) - an early homeopathic cure for snake-bite.

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A note on the text: apparently, in Chapter 10 the author uses a rare glyph called an inverted nun. Since these are so rare, let's have a photo.

An inverted nun.

Another letter to the President of Boston College

Dear Farver Bill,

You has no doubt been gettin a lot of very pollite letters recently, such as de one from my friend Ben Trovato.

Fr William Leahy, Boston College (unsaved).

De general idea is dat poeple is disgusted wiv you, buster, I mean Farver, cos your dump is givvin an honorary degree to one of de biggest scuondrels dat I know of, viz, de Torchwood of Ireland, "Enda Life" Kenny.

Enda Kenny, seems to have a disgustin ear disease.

Now I know dat you is a libberal Cathlic, wot means you aint too hot on orthodoxy, and has probbably sold your suol to de Devil, so I expect de fact dat dis Enda type is bringin in some disgustin leggislatoin, which will lead to a lot of abortoins of poor babies, aint gonna cut much ice wiv you. Still I thuoght I'd mentoin it, in case you wanted to make a last-minute repenttance.

Perhaps you cuold explain why so many Jesiuts is a disgrace to de Cathlic church these days? I aint referrin to de Pop, wot is by all accounts a real Cathlic, but I wuoldnt like to be in your shoes when he finds out what sort of activitties you is encuoraging.

St Ignatius of Loyola. Not gonna be very pleased wiv you either, is he, Fr Bill?

Well, I hopes you dont mind dese few freindly words of critisicm, you viper in de bosom of de Cathlic church, but it is best dat some freindly pusson (who also happens to be saved) points out de error of your ways.

Yours sincerely, Eccles.

P.S. You might take a look at de uvver honorary gradaunds you is proposin, viz, Gary Glitter, Dr Evan Harris, O.J. Simpson, Stuart Hall, Richard Dawkins and Kim Jong-un, to see whevver dey is also representative of Cathlic values. One or two of dem may be a bit dodgy.

"Do I have to mix with the likes of Enda Kenny?" asks Kim Jong-un.

Enda gets a knock.

Over now to Knock in Ireland, the site of the National Marian Shrine: and we have a most unusual pilgrim at the airport.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Enda. Enda who? Enda Life.

Eccles: We are indeed fortunate today to have a visit from that most pious of Catholics, Enda Life, the Teashop of Ireland. Especially at a village known for its shrine to the Blessed Virgin Mary, a woman who carried Jesus in her womb and spent 9 months complaining about it. Good morning, Enda. What are your thoughts on arriving at this sacred place?

Enda: Well, I was thinking that the way to solve Ireland's problems is to bring in liberal abortion laws. As a faithful Catholic, I know that this was something very dear to the heart of Mary.

Mary, a figure who has greatly influenced Enda Kenny.

Eccles: Have you discussed this with a priest? If you ask Cardinal Brady politely, he may just be prepared to grant you an interview. I gather that his views are somewhat different.

Enda: Look, am I or am I not allowed to decide for myself what Mary would have wanted? Isn't the Massacre of the Innocents a great Catholic feast?

Eccles: Well, not exactly. You may have got that slightly wrong.

Enda: The great thing about abortion is that it can be used to cure all sorts of unrelated illnesses. Got an infection? Have an abortion. Got a boil on your backside? Have an abortion. Got an ingrowing toenail? Have an abortion. Feeling depressed by the most recent episode of Downton Abbey? Have an abortion.

The Witch of Enda urges Saul to bring in abortion legislation.

Eccles: What if I'm not pregnant?

Enda: Oh just kill a random baby. It doesn't much matter whose. We call it "the protection of life."

BBC Moral Night

Welcome to "Moral Night" a new BBC discussion programme where we look at the burning moral and political issues of our time and, as a new departure, attempt to invite speakers with a balanced selection of views.

Lord Reith, watching over the BBC's morals

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Our first issue tonight is abortion. To present the full range of opinions, we have invited Dr Terry Minate, a surgeon whose faithfulness to his Hippocratic oath has led him to run an abortion clinic, and Ms Dodo Killemov, who runs Killemov Advice, the centre for helping women decide to get rid of their babies. We also have two people with more extreme opinions: Lord O'Bama, who is campaigning for abortion to be legal for all children under the age of two, and, as spokesman for the eccentric weird and shocking anti-choice viewpoint, a new-born baby.

A spokesman for the deranged pro-life cause.

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Next, we have the issue of same-sex marriage. Again we have a balanced selection of opinions. In the main-stream, we have Prime Minister David Cameron, who will explain why changing the definition of marriage is the most important issue facing the country at present, and Ms Les Bean of the Wimmin's Collective Commune and Marriage Bureau. At the extremes, we have Elton Spong of Stonerage, who wishes to restrict all marriage to same-sex couples, and, presenting the discredited religious viewpoint, the Bishop of Chessington.

+John Chess., a silent spokesman for nasty traditional marriage.

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Finally, we shall discuss euthanasia. The "standard" opinions will be presented by Dr Heinz Blofeld, who runs the popular "Bumpemoff" clinic in Switzerland, and Lord Death, managing director of Deathco Suicide Pills Ltd. More extreme views will be available from Hermann Shipmann, who wishes to replace the standard retirement age by a standard death age, and finally (you won't believe this), a spokesman for the anti-euthanasia cause, a gin-sodden and senile old lady.

Am I dead yet? What's going on? Woeful.

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But first, since this is the BBC, it says in my contract that I have to go and molest some of our more vulnerable staff. We'll be back soon!

Joe Biden explains the Catholic Faith

We are indeed honoured today to be granted an interview with Vice President Joe Biden, a leading Catholic thinker.

Joe Biden demonstrates his position on gay marriage

E: Now, Mr Biden, you first came to the attention of the British public over 20 years ago, when you were detected plagiarising a speech of Neil Kinnock. Would you care to comment on that?

JB: Eccles, I wish to totally, utterly, absolutely and unequivocally deny, rebut, refute and contradict your statement. When I was a poor, penniless and deprived boy in the Welsh valleys, being sent down the pit at the age of three, along with my aged, decrepit, feeble and disabled ninety-year-old granny in a wheelchair, I realised that the only way to escape from my chains was...

E: I hate to cut you short there, Mr Biden, but perhaps we could move on to what is surely the cornerstone of your life, the Catholic faith.

It's not always a good idea to copy Neil Kinnock.

JB: Yes, as I go along life's road, I always let my love of Jesus and the Catholic faith guide me.

E: So naturally, you oppose abortion, which has been condemned by the Catholic church, and many other Christians, pretty consistently over the last 2000 years?

JB: Well, naturally, except in special circumstances of course. For example, if the mother is pregnant. Then I think you have to allow it.

E: I gather that the church penalty for abortions at any stage of pregnancy is excommunication. Have you in fact been excommunicated?

JB: No, but then you see I've never had an abortion. But I feel that it's my human right to have one, if ever I want one.

E: I heard a rumour that your friend Barack - (checks notes) - ah yes, Obama, is in favour of killing all babies under the age of two and eating them?

JB: No, in fact that was just the view of a Democratic think-tank. Teddie Kennedy suggested drowning babies, but then he thought all problems could be solved by drowning people.

E: Your own view, then?

JB: Theologically, it's very much a grey area. I certainly wouldn't go as far as eating babies.

Herod the Great. Didn't go as far as eating babies.

E: Still - correct me if I'm wrong, or even if I'm right - aren't your views on many moral issues in clear contradiction to the views of the Catholic church?

JB: Eccles, I think you have to accept that our views on right and wrong are constantly evolving. Adultery, lying, cheating, etc. - all these used to be condemned as sins, but now Bill Clinton is one of the most respected politicians we have.

E: Vice President Biden, thank you for your moral guidance.

The motto of the Biden family