Three grim histories

Palestine, 4 BC.

King Enda the Great, leader of the Fine Galilee party, today expelled four of his members for opposing the new Massacre of the Innocents law, which would "protect life" by slaughtering all babies up to the age of two years old.

King Enda, with a very apprehensive-looking baby.

As "Enda Life" explained, "There is no room in my party for people who, for sentimental or religious reasons, refuse to go along with my life-saving 'kill kill kill' policy. In fact, the religious argument is completely bogus, since the Chief Priest, Diar-muid Mar-tin, refuses to excommunicate me - as everyone knows, I am considered to be a devout and pious member of the Church."

A more traditional photo of Enda the Great.

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Meanwhile, in Wales, a law of "presumed consent" has been passed, stating that anyone found to be dead - or nearly dead - may be recycled for spare parts. This is likely to be extended to cover people who sit still for too long, or fall asleep in a public place, as they may also be presumed dead.

No waiting. It's really not a good idea. Keep moving. There's a doctor watching.

It is thought that the idea may pass to Scotland, where Messrs Burke and Hare, who run a flourishing "spare parts" business in Edinburgh, have expressed enthusiastic support for the Welsh legislation.

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Finally, in Texas, a group of pro-abortion activists has been seen crying "Hail Satan!" This will be seen as a very positive step by many U.S. Catholics, such as Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, showing as it does that, despite minor differences of religious doctrine, it is still possible for Catholics and Satanists to reach agreement on a number of important issues, such as the excellence of abortion! It's a great day for ecumenism!

The time for religious conflict such as this is over!

Bloggers in spat over top Church job

Well-known bloggers Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were quarrelling today over which of them had first broken the news that the top Church job would go to Simon Peter, the former fish tycoon and graduate of the prestigious Galilee Fishing College.

Matthew - his blog is read by millions.

"I was there first," claimed Matthew angrily. "As most people know, two names have to be submitted to Jesus, for Him to make the final decision. These names were Simon Peter and Judas Iscariot, and it was felt that Judas was not the person to bring the Church into the First Century, although he might be very influential in the Twenty-first. Mark and Luke, bloggers and journalists for the Synoptic Newspapers, got the story from my Twitter feed. And poor old John hasn't even reported the story yet - I think he can't believe he didn't get the top job himself!"

Being Archbishop of Galilee brings with it various privileges - for example, Peter is guaranteed canonization, and the keys to Heaven - but brings with it the dangers of martyrdom, especially if (as seems probable) the see is moved to Rome.

"So the big key opens the Gates of Heaven, and the small one opens the Saints' washroom?"

Mark, of the Synoptic Times, and Luke, of the Synoptic Telegraph, were angrily maintaining today that they were the ones with the scoop. "Matthew even got the facts wrong about President Herod's re-election," they sneered. "He was tipping the other candidate, Romani."

Over at the Galilee Tablet, Catherine Philistia was angrily complaining that Christ needed to move into the First Century and appoint a woman to head His Church. "I've got a friend called Tina Beelzebub who would be perfect at the job," she insisted. "We know who's really backing Christ - it's an old Man living far away with His head in the clouds!"

John - with a scoop of his own.

Joe Biden explains the Catholic Faith

We are indeed honoured today to be granted an interview with Vice President Joe Biden, a leading Catholic thinker.

Joe Biden demonstrates his position on gay marriage

E: Now, Mr Biden, you first came to the attention of the British public over 20 years ago, when you were detected plagiarising a speech of Neil Kinnock. Would you care to comment on that?

JB: Eccles, I wish to totally, utterly, absolutely and unequivocally deny, rebut, refute and contradict your statement. When I was a poor, penniless and deprived boy in the Welsh valleys, being sent down the pit at the age of three, along with my aged, decrepit, feeble and disabled ninety-year-old granny in a wheelchair, I realised that the only way to escape from my chains was...

E: I hate to cut you short there, Mr Biden, but perhaps we could move on to what is surely the cornerstone of your life, the Catholic faith.

It's not always a good idea to copy Neil Kinnock.

JB: Yes, as I go along life's road, I always let my love of Jesus and the Catholic faith guide me.

E: So naturally, you oppose abortion, which has been condemned by the Catholic church, and many other Christians, pretty consistently over the last 2000 years?

JB: Well, naturally, except in special circumstances of course. For example, if the mother is pregnant. Then I think you have to allow it.

E: I gather that the church penalty for abortions at any stage of pregnancy is excommunication. Have you in fact been excommunicated?

JB: No, but then you see I've never had an abortion. But I feel that it's my human right to have one, if ever I want one.

E: I heard a rumour that your friend Barack - (checks notes) - ah yes, Obama, is in favour of killing all babies under the age of two and eating them?

JB: No, in fact that was just the view of a Democratic think-tank. Teddie Kennedy suggested drowning babies, but then he thought all problems could be solved by drowning people.

E: Your own view, then?

JB: Theologically, it's very much a grey area. I certainly wouldn't go as far as eating babies.

Herod the Great. Didn't go as far as eating babies.

E: Still - correct me if I'm wrong, or even if I'm right - aren't your views on many moral issues in clear contradiction to the views of the Catholic church?

JB: Eccles, I think you have to accept that our views on right and wrong are constantly evolving. Adultery, lying, cheating, etc. - all these used to be condemned as sins, but now Bill Clinton is one of the most respected politicians we have.

E: Vice President Biden, thank you for your moral guidance.

The motto of the Biden family

Rehearsin a play

Well we is all gettin very excitted about the Calumny Chappel Nattivity Play. But my big bruvver Bosco, who is cast as de back half of Mary's donkkey, is in a grate panick.
"Woss my lines?" he asked me. "I is a grate artiste, and I is saved, so I gotta give my message to de world." We explanes dat de rear ends of donkkeys aint normaly grate conversatoinalists, but Bosco has read de Bibble, and has heard about Balham's Ass in de Book of Nubmers, wot used to shout "Sockpoppet!" at him.



So Bosco feels dat as a grate acter he has got de right to express himself. "You aint saved, Mary you stuppid dame," he wants to say in a donkkey voice. "You is a grate sinner. Hee-haw! Hee-haw!" We is still workin on dis role. We doesnt want Mary to fall off de donkkey when Bosco starts brayin at her.

Meanwhile, we has fuond a missin fraggment of de Gopsel of St Luke, where he brings in a comick charactter for lihgt releif. Strangley, we fuond dis text on de printer in Anti Moly's bedroom.



1. And dere was abiddin in Nazzareth an old lady called Haddach wot said she was de Anti of de Verger Mary.
2. And lo! Haddach spent de nihgt in a vigill, wherein she screamed and shouted insullts at de passers-by.
3. Yeah, and she spake sayin "Traddy Sockpoppets! Verilly de sittuatoin is woeful! Such is life!"

Dere is uvver bits in de Bibble wot mentoins Haddach, for exammple when Jessus turns de water into wine at Canna, she is dere complanin dat He didnt make gin.



Dis could be Anti Moly's chance for starrdom. Now dat we has insertted dis fraggment into de Calumny Chappel Bibble (which is loose-leaff, so dat we can allso remove bits we doesnt like), we is ready to includ her in de Nattivity Play.

Farver Arfur (also known as Napolleon) is de third herro of dis blogg, even thuogh he is a Cathlic and not saved. He has assked to take part in our holly cosstume dramma, and we fink de part of King Horrid is taylor-made for him. When de wise men comes in and says "Ullo! We is wise men! We has got a B.A. in camel-ridin," he tells dem dat dey is evill rotten sinners for prettendin to be wiser than him.



Arfur is lookin forward to his big sceene, where King Horrid gets to massaccre de innocennts, especailly as he explanes dat dey wasnt innocennt at all, but was guilty of committin lotsa sins listed in de Catacoms of de Churhc, such as bein Traddie Babbies and committin de sin of Subbtraction.



Dis is one of dem evil babbies, dat Farver Horrid is gonna be massacring, and I am sure he desserves it.

Dey has found a part for me too, I is gonna be an angle of de Lord. Not de one wot says "Ullo, Mary, does you want to guess why I has bruoght you a pile of babby clothes?" but annuver one wot sings about Gloria in Exchelseas, dats Lattin, cos dem angles wos foriegners and cuoldnt speak propper English like us. It's all very excittin bein a grate acter.

Bosco in hopsital

Well, we left our heroes (Bosco and Eccles) lyin in de street outside de local Cathlic churhc, havin been ejjected by de nunns of St Rambo. Dis was simply for tryin to save dem herettics by singin "Bite me, O Thou great Redeemer" durin de Mass. I landed on my head and was not grately injurred, but Bosco he broke lotsa bones, and was taken off to de Generral Hopsital.

I forgot to mention dat Bosco he put up a good fihgt before he was overpowered, as you can see by dis pitcher of de Cathlic churhc after he finished wiv it. It susstained a little structarul dammage.



On Bosco's bed at the hopsital there were various signs. "NIL BY MOUTH. DO NOT RESUCSITATE. WARNING, DIS PATTIENT HAV BITTEN 3 NURSES ALREADY."

Bosco was sittin up in bed readin de "Hummanist Timmes" when Anti Moly and I came in to vissit, barin gifts like de three Maggies. Anti Moly handed over an empty bottle of gin, sayin dat she was sorry but she got thirtsy on de way, and I bruoght him a lovely shirt dat he can wear when Jessus comes, so dat he dont forgit dat Bosco is saved.



"Wossat 'Humorist Times' paper, Bosco?" I asked. "Have it got cartoons? I likes MickyMoss and Donald Duckham, dey always makes me luagh wiv dere commical antix."
"Nope," said Bosco. "It got lotsa fine artickles about de Pop, and how he is repsonsible for de massacre of de innocents cos at de time he was in Herrod's Army. Joanne Hairy says dat he has interveiwed Herrod and he is now ready to reveal de truth. De time for a cover up is over."
"Is de writers saved?" I asked. "Dat's very important, innit?"
"Well, it don't say," replied Bosco, "but dey aint Cathlics, and dat's de most important fing. Dis paper's very good, too, dey're my kind of poeple."
He showed me a copy of "Jihad and Jihadmen", it had a pitcher of a bearded man wiv a hook on de cover. I fought it was Captain Hook, who is in de Peter Pan story dat we has in de Calumny Chappel on Sundays, but dey said he was called Abbo de Hamster.
"What else you got to read, Bosco?" I asked.
"Well, dere's a Gudgeon Bibble here," replied Bosco. "Dat's very good, it's de original King James version, exackly as God wrote it. Afterwards, de Pop transslated it into Greek and Lattin, and made lotsa delliberate errors, cos he didnt want poeple to be saved. For exxample, dere aint no 10 Commandmeants in de Cathlic Bibble."

Bosco turned to anuvver maggazine, and when he saw it he screemed dat Sattan was tormentin him. Dis is de cover.



Den Bosco openned de magazine and saw a pitcher of a nunn makin a cemment iddle, and dat finnished him off. If he hadnt been wearin banddages and straped to de bed, I fink he'd have broken up de hopsital ward.

Dis is de foul fiend dat leads poeple into iddleterry, shockin innit dat dey can pubblish such filth.



I hopes you gits well soon, Bosco.