Moveable feasts

Although Catholics in England and Wales are apparently out of step with much of the rest of the Christian world, the Catholic Bishops' Conference has announced new arrangements for the major religious festivals.

And when the time came for Jesus to depart, He said "Let's do it on Sunday instead."

First, as has already been noted by many people, almost everyone - from the Pope downwards - believes that today is Ascension Day. However, the Magic Circle has decided to defer it to Sunday. This is believed to be because there is a highly important football match taking place tonight (Leicester v. Watford), which several bishops are unwilling to miss.

There is also Eastenders: apparently, Roxy finds herself in a dangerous situation when she gets some unwanted attention (a situation in which Vincent Nichols often finds himself).

Today is an unholy day of obligation, when all Catholics much watch Eastenders.

Looking ahead, the CBCEW has announced that Christmas Day has been moved to the nearest Sunday, December 22nd 2013. This will have the advantage that believers will be able to finish their Christmas shopping a few days before everyone else, and spend most of the next two weeks in an alcoholic stupor watching television, like the rest of the country.

Arrangements for Lent have similarly been altered. Ash Wednesday will of course become Ash Sunday (which is so much more convenient for everyone), and Good Friday will also become Good Sunday. There is an obvious technical problem here: thus, the Nicene Creed used in church has been modernised so that it now says that Jesus "rose again on the seventh day in accordance with the Scriptures." Which means in fact that the Bible will also have to be retranslated under the direction of the Magic Circle ("for forty days appearing to them" should have been "forty-three," anyway).

St Luke is persuaded to change "forty" to "forty-three."

The changes have been greeted with enthusiasm in some circles. Said a spokesman for the Tablet: "Ha ha, another kick in the teeth for the Pope! He should know that only religious nutters go to church on any day of the week except Sundays. And thank goodness we all stopped saying our prayers on weekdays, when Vatican II banned such practices!"

Christopher Robin is saying his prayers on a Thursday. What a Traddie reactionary!

Vincent Nichols bashes the blogs

Archbishop Vincent Nicholas has delivered a homily in which he sends a hard-hitting message to the Catholic blogosphere: Stop complaining!

Ouch! This mitre's too tight, and my feet are killing me. Mustn't grumble, though.

Archbishop Nichols has picked up Pope Francis's comments that one should not gossip about one's neighbours, nor complain about one's own personal circumstances. Now he has run with them in a totally different direction.

You've been blogging again, haven't you? And not just about custard.

Certainly, as ++Vin knows very well, Catholic bloggers should not comment when they see wrong-doing in the church. In the immortal words of Our Lord: "Doth not the holy man, when he seeth evil, take a brush, and sweep it under the carpet?" Non-Revelations, Chapter 16.

Westminster Cathedral obtains a carpet to sweep things under.

Of course, the Catholic church in England is in a state of perfection at present. There are no liturgical abuses, no masses designed to promote homosexual acts, no heretical professors giving "Catholic" lectures, no "Catholic" newspapers publishing attacks on orthodox teaching, and no complaints about the governance of Catholic schools. All the bishops are highly-revered persons, who have a track record of promoting church teaching without perverting it in any way. Oh I'm so happy.

Dear Cormac! If I can't rely on the CBCEW's loyalty, on whom can I rely?

So we bloggers need to pull our socks up, and stop complaining. Just as the BBC, our national news broadcaster, is pulling its socks up and refusing to mention the mass murders with which Pennsylvania's answer to Dr Harold Shipman - Dr. Kermit Gosnell - is being charged. No, that would be mere gossip, and the news must never get out.

I'm warning you... if any of this appears in a blog...

The Bishop's Letter

Your bishop

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

As you know the Pope has asked me to become the Secretary of the Congregation of Divine Worship and Discipline of the Sacraments in Rome (or Vice-Pope for short), and it is with great reluctance that I am leaving the good people of Leeds for pastures new, when my work is still undone.

The Vatican of the North

The Holy Father was concerned that I might find the Vatican a little claustrophobic, after the magnificence of Hinsley Hall, but I told him that we should all be prepared to make sacrifices in order to serve God to the best of our abilities.

My successor as Bishop of Leeds has not yet been appointed, but I shall bequeath to him my collection of padlocks, guaranteed to fit church doors of any size, so that he may continue to close churches in the diocese on a regular basis.

Encouraging local industry in Allerton Bywater

In a spirit of Christian Charity I shall ignore one caustic remark made by Damian Thompson, namely "I hope Gammarelli has stocked up on XXXL archiepiscopal rig..." Although I am no longer the slim and athletic ice-skater that I used to be, my enemies will find that I can still be very slippery on occasion.

A problem in the 2012 CBCEW Ice-Skating Championships

By the way, I still have 5,000 copies of my most recent video nasty, "The Leeds diocese - what can we close next?" in case anyone would like one.

God bless you all.
++ Arthur Roche, Vice-Pope elect.

Saying farewell to the Bishop

Happy Holy Days

Costume holy men

As Catholics in England and Wales celebrate Ascension Day today, three days later than the Pope does, we sent our reporter (Ecclesiastes, the secretary of Eccles) to interview Vincent Nichols, President of the Catholic Bishops Conference of England and Wales.

Eccles: Happy Ascension Day, your Grace. Now why exactly did you decide to celebrate it today?

Vincent Nichols: We were going by the guidance given in the Acts of the Apostles, To whom also he shewed himself alive after his passion, by many proofs, for forty-three days appearing to them, and speaking of the kingdom of God.

E: Sure that it wasn't forty days? Admit it, you wanted to stay in and watch television on Thursday night.

VN: Well, there was a very good programme on. Britain's Got Heresy, you know. 

E: I think I saw that one. Was that the one where Diarmaid MacCulloch and Tina Beattie were wrestling in a vat of custard, Anglicans versus Catholics?

A wrestling champion

VN: Yes, that's the one. But let's be serious now, Eccles. You can't expect faithful Catholics to go to church on any day except Sunday. That's why, from 2013, we shall be reorganizing Holy Week.

E: So Good Friday will not longer fall on a Friday?

VN: No, in the interests of efficiency, and getting "bums on seats," we shall have Maundy Sunday, Good Sunday and Easter Sunday on the same day, 42 days after Ash Sunday. After all, the date of Easter is a bit arbitrary, anyway, and our Eastern Orthodox Brethren tend to celebrate it a week or two later.

E: Won't Maundy-Good-Easter Sunday be rather busy?

VN: Perhaps a litte. We haven't yet decided whether to recommend three services or one big one. Probably, the latter, so that the Sabbath is kept fairly free for traditional devotions. IKEA, for example. As a gesture of generosity to the Ordinariate, I am going out later to buy them a flat-pack altar. Don't let anyone tell you that we're not making exceptional provision for these newcomers to the Church.

A gift for the Ordinariate

E: Thank you very much, Vincent Nichols. At least you won't have any trouble with Whitsun, eh?