Church rocked by "gay lobby" allegations

The church of England was reeling in shock today after the existence of a highly influential "gay lobby" at its heart was finally admitted.

The Union Flag is replaced with the Rainbow.

The first signs of such a lobby came when the secular wing of the church of England, which trades under the name "British Government", started enacting legislation to overturn the ideas of marriage, fatherhood, motherhood, men, women, etc. David Cameron, the person who appoints the church's bishops, has been identified as one of the people responsible for attacking family life in this way.

Things came to a head today, when the British Embassy in Paris decided to raise the rainbow flag in solidarity with the "Gay Bride" march in London. "Mon dieu," said a French commentator, "it's true what they say about le vice anglais, then?"

Not the sort of wedding we expect to see much longer.

The Queen herself, although Supreme Governor of the church of England, is not intending to take part in the "Gay Bride" march, and nor indeed is Archbishop Justin Welby, her deputy. However, Her Majesty has herself been seen visiting the "third arm" of the Church of England, the BBC, which is itself blamed for sex scandals dating back to the 1960s.

Blimey! It's the Supreme Governor!

The Catholic Church has its own problems, of course, and it was rumoured today that rebel forces in the Vatican had tried to raise the "Gay Bride" flag today, but had been repelled with holy-water cannons.

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Meanwhile, this weekend also sees the return of the Glastonbury Festival. Curiously, a copy of the programme of the very first Glastonbury Festival has come to light, dating from 50 A.D.

The aftermath of Glastonbury.

Topping the bill is Joseph of Arimathea, who will be performing his popular hit Jerusalem.

Joseph of Arimathea sings: And did those feet in ancient time...

Another name that will be known to modern readers is that of a very young Cliff Richard, who has of course performed at all the Glastonbury Festivals since the first one.

A promising young singer.

Many celebrities attended, including the lovely Princess Boadicea (or however you want to spell her name), although her insistence on coming by chariot caused some problems to passers-by.

Merlin asks: "Has anyone lost this?"

Have we got news for you?

In Scotland, a pro-life doctor, Doctor John Finlay, has been reported to the General Medical Council, the British Medical Association, the National Health Service, the Office of Fair Trading, Which?, CAMRA, OFGAS, Esther Rantzen, George Galloway, the RSPCA, and the RAC for professional malpractice.

Dr Finlay (R) - a pro-life fiend.

Apparently, a woman came into Dr Finlay's surgery with a young baby who was suffering from an ear infection. Dr Finlay, a staunch Catholic, was quite shocked when the lady said "Well, let's just terminate this one, and I'll have another one, with genetically superior ears." Instead he insulted her by dropping some ear drops into the baby's ear, and sending her home.

Should babies with earache be allowed to continue living?

The Edinburgh Pro-Choice Association (joint presidents, William Burke and William Hare) is up in arms at Dr Finlay's religious bigotry. It has vowed to get him thrown out of his profession, and to prevent all shopkeepers and tradesmen from serving him, in the hope that he and his family will do the decent thing and starve to death. "How is the body-snatching industry going to survive if doctors insist on saving lives?" they asked.

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Meanwhile, further turmoil hit the BBC today after the arrest of Bill the Flowerpotman. Mr Flowerpotman is currently under investigation by the police for alleged sexual harassment of Miss Weed on various occasions in the 1960s, although he has consistently claimed that it was his brother Ben who was guilty.

Bill (sex fiend?) and Ben, with Miss Weed, in happier times.

It seems that Mr Flowerpotman was due to chair the next edition of the news quiz game show Have I got news for you? - his verbal skills being considered far superior to those of Ian Hislop and Paul Merton. Hislop, one of the stars of the programme, took time off from thinking of sexual jokes about Catholics for his once-funny magazine Private Eye to comment "Flobadob!" before dissolving into gales of laughter at his own wit.

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Finally, Boston College, the Jesuit University, has confirmed that it will be awarding an honorary degree to Dr Kermit Gosnell, the controversial doctor. "After we awarded one to Enda Kenny, it was a natural step to take," commented a spokesman. "One of our mottoes is Αἰέν ἀριστεύειν (ever to excel) and we look for people who stand out from the crowd, no matter how repulsive they are."

Religioni et Bonis Artibus - but we don't take this too seriously.

Saturday Live

Welcome to Saturday Live with me, Richard Coles, and Sian Williams. As usual we have a dazzling array of remarkable guests, who we've invited in to tell their extraordinary stories.

Father Coles.

Today I'm meeting some grossly-misunderstood people who have suffered a little "brouhaha" in their lives. So I'm pleased to welcome:

Dennis Nilsen, cook, civil servant and Muswell Hill murderer; 
Rosemary West, housewife, mother and serial killer;
Ian Brady, the Moors murderer; and
Peter Sutcliffe, HGV driver and Yorkshire Ripper.

Now, moving as I do in fashionable liberal circles, I sometimes find myself challenged by old-fashioned Biblical teaching, such as "Thou shalt avoid brouhaha," and I expect my guests will have something to say on the subject!

Fun for all the family!

Dennis, perhaps you'd like to start! Were you shocked by all the fuss made about your infringements of the law?

DN: Yes, indeed, Richard. People focus on my serial killing without mentioning the fact that I am able to bake fantastic home-made chocolate eclairs.

RC: Yes, such an obsession with your extra-curricular activities does seem to be uncalled-for. Well, I love chocolate eclairs too. Rosemary, do you have any good recipes you'd like to share with us?

Guess which serial killer made this delicious eclair!

RW: Well not really. I only accepted your invitation to come on this programme because I was told that I'd be meeting Kermit Gosnell. He's a real hero of mine.

RC: Sorry, Rosemary, we couldn't get him. He's been booked to do Thought for the Day, instead. Now, Ian, I gather you're interested in fell-walking...

Religious gossip of the week

Luckily very few people read this blog, and so we are able to post items of gossip here, safe in the knowledge that we are not offending those church leaders who want their activities kept quiet.

Archbishop rescues sweet kitten from fast lane of M23.

Said the archbishop - who gave his name only as "Vin" - "I was driving back to London from the seaside, with the intention of dropping in a present from Brighton's 'gay community' to the the Immaculate Conception church in Farm Street. Well, I was nearing the end of the M23, when all at once I spotted a poor helpless kitten stranded in the fast lane of the motorway. Of course I stopped at once, ran back, and scooped the kitten from under the wheels of an approaching minibus, driven in the direction of Croydon by a wild-looking deacon. Please don't publicise this gossip, as it will compromise my reputation as a tough Liverpudlian, the hard man of the Catholic Bishops Conference, when really I'm just a big softie."

BBC announces new Prom season.

The BBC has come under criticism for the programme of its new season of Promenade concerts, announced this week. With the Last Night being generally regarded as a religious ceremony, some people have questioned the wisdom of employing a lady, Marin Alsop, to conduct the proceedings on that occasion. However, it is thought that she has been complaining that "Every time they invite me to the Albert Hall they give me a mop and ask me to clean the place."

Far more serious are the accusations of dumbing down - there will be a special evening devoted to the "music" of Paul Inwood, including such favourites as Finger-Snap Alleluia, Go and tell the world and of course Alleluia Ch-ch. Said one distinguished music critic, Damian Thompson of the Daily Custard, "I can understand Dr Who Proms, and even Proms devoted to rap music. But this is a step too far."

Bishop arrested for throwing a snowball.

Meanwhile, President François Hollande's dash for "Mariage homosexuel" in France has taken a more sinister turn, with the arrest of all potential opponents under trumped-up charges. The photo above shows a small demonstration in the Alpes-Maritimes involving the Bishop of Nice, shortly before he was hauled away and guillotined for "délit d'injure homophobe."

Don't mention Kermit Frognell!

Finally, the BBC and practically all newspapers have issued directives to their staff, saying "Don't mention Frognell!" This is a reference to Dr Kermit Frognell, the American abortionist, who is accused of several counts of murder. As one journalist pointed out: "If we start criticising Frognell, we shall have to criticise Obama, whose own views on abortion are very similar. And then we might have to start criticising Harold Shipman, Joseph Mengele, William Palmer, and various other mass-murdering doctors. No, let's just think beautiful thoughts instead. Have you seen this church that looks like a chicken?"

Uncontroversial photo of chicken-church.

Vincent Nichols bashes the blogs

Archbishop Vincent Nicholas has delivered a homily in which he sends a hard-hitting message to the Catholic blogosphere: Stop complaining!

Ouch! This mitre's too tight, and my feet are killing me. Mustn't grumble, though.

Archbishop Nichols has picked up Pope Francis's comments that one should not gossip about one's neighbours, nor complain about one's own personal circumstances. Now he has run with them in a totally different direction.

You've been blogging again, haven't you? And not just about custard.

Certainly, as ++Vin knows very well, Catholic bloggers should not comment when they see wrong-doing in the church. In the immortal words of Our Lord: "Doth not the holy man, when he seeth evil, take a brush, and sweep it under the carpet?" Non-Revelations, Chapter 16.

Westminster Cathedral obtains a carpet to sweep things under.

Of course, the Catholic church in England is in a state of perfection at present. There are no liturgical abuses, no masses designed to promote homosexual acts, no heretical professors giving "Catholic" lectures, no "Catholic" newspapers publishing attacks on orthodox teaching, and no complaints about the governance of Catholic schools. All the bishops are highly-revered persons, who have a track record of promoting church teaching without perverting it in any way. Oh I'm so happy.

Dear Cormac! If I can't rely on the CBCEW's loyalty, on whom can I rely?

So we bloggers need to pull our socks up, and stop complaining. Just as the BBC, our national news broadcaster, is pulling its socks up and refusing to mention the mass murders with which Pennsylvania's answer to Dr Harold Shipman - Dr. Kermit Gosnell - is being charged. No, that would be mere gossip, and the news must never get out.

I'm warning you... if any of this appears in a blog...

Bad hymns 19

Today the judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are looking at another unusual hymn. This one is apparently recommended for use on the occasion of the death of a public figure - at least, by nine out of ten munchkins, the BBC, and also George "Respect" Galloway. It is Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead, and we are honoured to have the author, Edgar Yipsel Harburg, with us to discuss it.

I turned George Galloway into a toad and no-one noticed.

EYH: Just call me "Yip," Eccles.

E: Yup. Now, explain this hymn to me, as it's not one I've come across - although my friend Fr Arthur, a liberal priest in good standing, uses it at funerals occasionally if he feels that the deceased did not meet his high standards. Is it a bit like Ding-Dong, merrily on high?

EYH: Well, not really. In fact it originated in The Wizard of Oz, although like My Way it is sometimes chosen for funerals. At least, if the deceased was controversial in some circles.

E: Ding-Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding-Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

EYH: Music by Paul Inwood. Only joking... it was Harold Arlen.

E: It's too spiritual for Paul Inwood, Yip, take it from me. Now, I think I get your meaning here: we are all miserable sinners, but it is only proper to ring the passing-bell as we depart this world?

He went and told the sexton, and the sexton tolled the bell - Thomas Hood.

EYH: I hadn't thought of it that way, Eccles. You may prefer another hymn I wrote, about the promise of Heaven: Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere, over the rainbow...

E: Not sure where the rainbows fit into contemporary theology, but I expect that some people do sing that one at funerals. They probably also sing We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

EYP: We're off to see the Wizard was sung at the funeral of Lloyd George, the so-called "Welsh Wizard." My father knew him.

The Welsh Wizard.

E: Well thanks, Yip, I'm still mystified about the context for this hymn: did George Galloway sing "Ding-Dong" at his mother's funeral? Will any other politicians get a state "Ding-Dong"?

EYH: Look, Eccles, can we forget this silly song?

E: How can we? Kevin Mayhew Limited want to put it in their new edition of Catholic hymns for the dangerously insane. Still, thanks for coming along, Yip. Your way home is easy - just follow the yellow brick road.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.

What class are you?

Don't have time to use the BBC calculator to find out which social class you are in? Don't trust your butler to do it for you? Let us help.

Am I tourist class? Business class? First class?

Simply match yourself against one of these profiles, and see which one you have most in common with.

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Sorry, I could only find an old photo.

You live in a big house in London, with your husband and some dogs. Whenever you visit someone they force you to listen to a piece of music (always the same one, in fact). Your picture is on all the postage stamps. You really enjoy watching reruns of Morecambe and Wise on TV, but instead they make you attend Royal Variety Performances, where you are bored to death by Ricky Gervais and Marcus Brigstocke. Upper class.

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Owen Jones.

You grew up in the rough tough gritty wastelands of Stockport, the scion of a deprived family (a humble local authority worker and an IT lecturer who were forced to work in order to make ends meet). You went to a run-down polytechnic - well, Oxford, actually - and you write a column in the second-most-depraved newspaper in Britain. Not interested in girls. Working class, obviously.

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Old enough for a bus pass.

You are 76 years old, but still forced to work in order to make ends meet. Although an immigrant from South America, you recently moved into a tied cottage in Rome, and tend to dress simply. You have met many interesting people in the course of your work, and also Cormac Murphy-O'Connor. Very keen on religion, but not much of a hymn-singer. Lower-middle class.

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Is this one of your best friends?

Originally from Wales, you became an MP, and then one of the most senior politicians in the country. Interests include pies, croquet-playing, Jaguar cars, and claiming toilet seats on expenses. No obvious achievements when in politics, but was rewarded with a seat (well, two seats) in the House of Lords. Middle class.

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Do you like to dress up as Mrs Hudson in your spare time?

Born in the slums of Reading, you reached Oxford University on sheer brilliance after writing a prize essay about custard. At one stage you worked for the Catholic Herald, but now, instead of bringing religion into every conversation, you prefer to blame addiction for all the evils of the world. A brilliant pianist who is at much at home with the toccatas and fugues of Gladys Mills as the honky-tonk tunes of Johnny Bach. Intellectual, upper middle class.

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The Johnson twins

Coming from a privileged background, you attended Eton, and initially went for a job in journalism. After that everything started to go wrong, and in your degraded career you became first an MP and then a local government official. Occasionally, like the disgraced rector of Stiffkey, you appear in the public eye in a humiliating position. Evidently suffering from an incurable addiction to publicity. Upper middle class, but vulgar.

Well, I hope that helped. Not much spiritual nourishment today, sorry.

Pope Francis

Pope Francis is delighted with his new vestments.

Thanks to my close sources in the Vatican (© Damian Thompson) I can exclusively reveal that the college of cardinals has elected a new pope, Cardinal Belgrano of Argentina, who has taken the title Pope Francis.

Purple smoke from the Sistine Chapel: "we have elected a chemist."

Pope Francis trained as a chemist before entering the Church, and even now he is fond of making "holy smoke."

A young Fr Belgrano (R) tries to interest Hans Küng (L) in the delights of chemistry.

Menawhile, Richard Dawkins is very impressed that the new head of the Catholic church is a scientist of greater distinction than he is, and it is said that he is thinking of becoming a Catholic himself.

"Does anyone know how these rosary beads work?"

Little is known about Pope Francis except that he likes riding on buses; it is thought that his first encyclical may be an appeal for universal joy, called Laugh with everyone - or, in Latin, Omnibus Ride.

The new Popemobile.

No previous Pope has been called "Francis," and it is thought that by this choice of name the Holy Father is sending out signals about the style of papacy he intends. One possibility is that he may have chosen to be named after St Francis Sinatra.

I did it my way.

However, it may be that instead he had St Francis Howerd in mind.

Titter ye not!

Meanwhile, the BBC is trying to get to grips with the idea of a new Pope, and of course to present him in the worst possible light. When he was first shown to the crowds in St Peter's Square on Wednesday, Pope Francis took the unusual step of praying the "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," prayers unknown to the BBC commentators.

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor and Ed "Stewpot" Stourton discuss the use of obsolete prayers.

As a faithful Tabletista, Ed Stourton explained that "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," are traddy prayers, not suitable for the modern Catholic church. Indeed, as Catherine Pepinster will confirm, they are explicitly against the Spirit of Vatican II.

The Tablet - now preparing a hatchet job on Pope Francis.

Meanwhile, Alan Garbager of the Godruin newspaper was initially wrong-footed by the election of a Pope much more socially aware than the average leftie Godruin-reader. He was also shocked to discover that the new pontiff is an orthodox Catholic and none too keen on abortion, same-sex marriage, euthanasia, or the ordination of women - activities which bring pleasure to so many people. Hence Garbager has been devoting his energies to character assassination. A few years ago he convinced Godruin-readers that Pope Benedict XVI - as a German - was certainly a Nazi war-criminal and a close personal friend of Hitler; moreover, it was claimed that in his spare time he used to pull the wings off insects.

A disciple of Pope Benedict prepares to pull the wings off an insect.

Garbager has now turned his attention to Pope Francis who - as an Argentine - is automatically assumed to have been a war-criminal and close personal friend of General Galtieri; it is said that in his spare time he pulls the ears off woolly lambs.

Argentine troops, under the direct command of Pope Francis, prepare to invade the Falklands and pull the ears off all the woolly lambs they find.

Well, that's all for now, but do spare a thought for St Malachy, who put his shirt on Cardinal Peter Turkson for Pope and lost everything.

"Eccles! How nice to see you!"

BBC interviews the Pope's enemies

BBC presenter: After the sudden announcement of Pope Benedict XVI's resignation, we shall be talking to a balanced selection of people who have good reason to hate him. Let's start with you, Justin Welby. Your predecessor, Archbishop Cranmer, was martyred by the Catholics in 1556, so naturally you detest Pope Benedict.

Thomas Cranmer - did Benedict XVI ever apologise for his death?

JW: Er, no, actually, I think Benedict has shown great dignity, insight, and courage. All in all, rather a good Pope, really. And I think it's an excellent thing when a major religious leader steps aside, in order to allow a younger man to take over.

BBC: Oh, you're no fun at all. Over to Richard Dawkins now, who can always be relied on to say something anti-Catholic.

RD: Sex. That's the main thing in life. And the Pope hasn't had any. What a waste. Look at me, I'm the man they call "Dr Sexy" in Oxford. Nearly 72 years old, and I'm still regarded as an Oxford Don Juan (geddit?)

An erotic DVD starring Dr Sexy. Not suitable for children.

BBC: Thank you, Professor Dawkins, for making that deep point of theology. Well, we at the BBC are nothing if not balanced in our coverage, so we also invited in a Catholic who hates the Pope. Catherine Pepinster is busy insulting the Pope on Channel 4, but instead we have managed to get hold of Lavinia Byrne, a former nun.

LB: Drone drone drone, women priests, contraception, Spanish Inquisition trying to bully me, Pope Benedict ate my hamster, ... (continues until she has a fit).

Panic-stricken nuns flee the bullying of the Catholic Church.

BBC: Thank you so much, Lavinia Byrne, for putting the Catholic point of view. We'll continue this debate on BBC Radio 5 Live, where Austen Ivereigh is being mauled by a specially-selected group of Leeds United supporters, but here is a final proof that God Himself (if he exists) hates the current set-up at the Vatican.

"GIVE ME HANS KÜNG !!!" says God.