Henry VIII explains his breach with Rome

New historical evidence has emerged, explaining the reasons behind King Henry VIII's breach with Rome in the 1530s, which led ultimately to the Anglican church we know today.

Henry VIII - wanted to liberalize the Church.

"We have our own vision for the Anglican church," says King Henry in a previously unpublished document. "A church where women may become vicars, and dance in the aisle at weddings. A church where people like Archbishop Cranmer will be welcomed into our rooms in the morning to tell us that we are bigots if we let not a man wed another man."

Archbishop Cranmer (in papal camauro) shares a joke with Toynbee, the court jester.

Meanwhile, in Rome, Pope Paul III is also anxious to shock traditionalists. He is said to be planning a Council of Trent, which will turn orthodox Catholicism on its head. "We need to decide whether God is calling us to introduce liturgical dancing, puppet masses and homilies about 'my holiday in Paris'. I get regular letters in green ink from a very keen young man called Monsignor Basil Brushtus; he is urging us to drop Latin, and he has some most original ideas on how the Mass should be celebrated. But I've suggested that we come back to that in a few years time."

Monsignor Basil Brushtus - too revolutionary even for Pope Paul III.

"That is encouraging, but it does not go far enough," responds King Henry. "As King I am also ex officio Director of Liturgy round here, and I want to ensure that my song Greensleevesis used regularly at Mass. It is easily adapted to religious use:

Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green are the sleeves of the Lord!

A one, a two, a one two three four... Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!

It is clear that these documents will force us to revise our views on the Reformation, and they will keep David Starkey in business for many years to come. Unfortunately.

David Starkey - "irredeemably stupid"

David Starkey with Gnasher, his guide dog for the hard of thinking.

Pope Francis has lost no time in reacting to David Starkey's recent intemperate comments about the Catholic church; he took time off from his busy schedule today to point out that Starkey was an "irredeemably stupid" man. Speaking in theological terms, Pope Francis pointed out that Jesus came to redeem sinners, but nowhere is it recorded that He healed the arrogant, the pompous and the very stupid. "Sorry about that, David!" he quipped, before jumping onto a bus.

Sir David de Starke-Ravinmad slays Thomas Becket.

David Starkey, who was believed to be out of his mind at the time, had said "I want to declare that Thomas Becket is the patron saint of child abusers." However, Mrs Duffy, a teacher of history and moral philosophy at a local primary school, gently pointed out to him that child abusers did not deserve a patron saint, and that Thomas Becket was never even associated with this crime. However, Starkey replied, "I'll say what I want if it gives me publicity. Poo poo poo!"

Laurie Penny (Penny Red) has also criticised Starkey in the past.

Starkey is no stranger to controversy (for example, he has been accused by Laurie Penny of "playing xenophobia and national prejudice for laughs"). In fact what he is really a stranger to is acting like a normal decent and polite adult, rather than the sort of gibbering idiot who comes and sits next to you on a bus. Woeful.

David Starkey, as a young boy, with Gnasher.