Henry VIII explains his breach with Rome

New historical evidence has emerged, explaining the reasons behind King Henry VIII's breach with Rome in the 1530s, which led ultimately to the Anglican church we know today.

Henry VIII - wanted to liberalize the Church.

"We have our own vision for the Anglican church," says King Henry in a previously unpublished document. "A church where women may become vicars, and dance in the aisle at weddings. A church where people like Archbishop Cranmer will be welcomed into our rooms in the morning to tell us that we are bigots if we let not a man wed another man."

Archbishop Cranmer (in papal camauro) shares a joke with Toynbee, the court jester.

Meanwhile, in Rome, Pope Paul III is also anxious to shock traditionalists. He is said to be planning a Council of Trent, which will turn orthodox Catholicism on its head. "We need to decide whether God is calling us to introduce liturgical dancing, puppet masses and homilies about 'my holiday in Paris'. I get regular letters in green ink from a very keen young man called Monsignor Basil Brushtus; he is urging us to drop Latin, and he has some most original ideas on how the Mass should be celebrated. But I've suggested that we come back to that in a few years time."

Monsignor Basil Brushtus - too revolutionary even for Pope Paul III.

"That is encouraging, but it does not go far enough," responds King Henry. "As King I am also ex officio Director of Liturgy round here, and I want to ensure that my song Greensleevesis used regularly at Mass. It is easily adapted to religious use:

Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green are the sleeves of the Lord!

A one, a two, a one two three four... Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!

It is clear that these documents will force us to revise our views on the Reformation, and they will keep David Starkey in business for many years to come. Unfortunately.

May a priest use the word "r*mshaw"?

The whole internet was up in arms today after Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, referred to a fellow Anglican priest as a "r*mshaw" on Twitter.

A man engaged in r*mshawism.

The word r*mshaw is believed to be Anglo-Saxon in origin - like most of the best obscenities - and refers to certain practices which cannot be mentioned on a blog such as this one. Archbishop Welby was today said to be regretting that he had lost his temper and used such a word in public. Apparently, he was deeply provoked by some nonentity of a junior priest who had taken it upon himself to go against orthodox Christian teaching on marriage.

Justin Welby usually has the angels on his side.

The word "r*mshaw" is often heard on football terraces, in pubs, Bilderberg group meetings, and in other places where people are not constrained by good manners, but it is believed to be the first time that it has been uttered in public by an archbishop. The only precedent that springs to mind is when Rowan Williams lost his temper and called someone a G*les Fr*ser.

R*mshaw Rocks, a name which always cause schoolboys to snigger.

In the Catholic Church, such bad language is rarer, although Pope Francis himself is alleged to have said "Madre de Dios, este hombre es un Cormacmurphyoconnor" - a Spanish expression that we cannot translate.

Equal marriage

Now, children, I've been requested to teach you about equal marriage; more precisely, I've been threatened with the sack and the possibility of being banned indefinitely from teaching if I don't, so let's get started.

The owl and the pussycat - icons for equal marriage.

Yes, let's start with the owl and the pussycat. Edward Lear was a great campaigner for equal marriage, and his moving love poem was written as part of the struggle against a society which saw something unnatural in the romance between an owl and a cat. Note that, owing to persecution by the Catholic Church, they were denied a church wedding, and were forced to be married by a turkey that lived on the hill - evidently, a liberal priest in the mould of Giles Fraser.

Giles Fraser conducts a wedding.

Owls suffered a lot from persecution in the Victorian era: many became recluses, condemned by the intolerant society of those times as "Too wet to woo."

An owl, refusing to come out of the closet.

Let's move on now to the story of Alice in Wonderland. Can we have any doubt that she was in love with the white rabbit? Although initially underage, she made several attempts to "grow up," by eating and drinking various controlled substances, but her romance was always thwarted. In the end she gave up the struggle, and threw herself into a looking-glass in despair.

Alice - a victim of Victorian narrow-mindedness.

A more successful romance in the Alice books is of course the love story of the walrus and the carpenter, who celebrated their passion by dining on oysters (a well-known aphrodisiac).

Why can't we be married in church?

Now, children, do we have any more examples of equal marriage that we'd like to discuss? Pooh and Piglet? Yes, that's a very good example, Catherine. They spent a lot of time together, and they were obviously very much in love.

"Christopher Robin thinks I should marry a female teddy-bear. What a bigot he is!"

Well, that's all for today, children. I have to go and teach chemistry to the older children now, and of course same-sex attraction is a very important part of this.

One day a hydrogen atom met another one, and fell in love...

Atheists to issue nude calendar

Following the water attack on Archbishop André-Joseph Léonard of Mechelen-Brussels, by topless "Femen" protestors from Kiev, unwilling to tolerate Catholic teaching on homosexuality (and probably almost everything else), atheists have decided that the best way to get their message across is to strip off. The first Atheists' Nude Calendar is already being prepared.

Archbishop! Buy our calendar!

Said a prominent atheist, Prof. Brian Cox of Manchester: "The production of J/ψ mesons is studied in pp collisions at √s=7 TeV with the CMS experiment at the LHC. The measurement is based on a dimuon sample corresponding to an integrated luminosity of 314 nb⁻¹. The J/ψ differential cross section is determined, as a function of the J/ψ transverse momentum, in three rapidity ranges. Which basically means, 'If I strip off it will persuade more people to take me seriously.'"

Brian Cox, March's Calendar Boy.

Of course, female atheists are also anxious to contribute their charms to the cause of denying God in the home. Said Polly Toynbee of the Guardian, "Recently, I haven't been stripping off so much, but I am allowing the producers of the calendar to use an old photo taken in my wilder student days."

Polly Toynbee (Miss December) in her student days.

Another exhibitionist, er, I mean selfless contributor to the cause of atheism, is Stephen Fry, who posted on Twitter: Whooooooooooooop!!!!! Life is so rich and varied. Lovely Stephen, you're a naughty boy! Bless!

Stephen Fry (August), also posted his bathtime video on Youtub.

But what of Richard Dawkins, the "Unholy Father" of British atheists? Will he be baring all for the sake of persuading people that God does not exist? No, so far he is remaining modestly covered up, to the annoyance of his fellow-atheists. Some people are just shy and self-conscious, don't you find?

Even when he goes swimming, Richard keeps his shirt on.

So far it seems unlikely that any Christian organizations will be producing a rival nude calendar, although Giles Fraser has declared himself "willing to strip off if the money's good enough."

Is this interview with God genuine?

The following interview, allegedly with God the Father, appeared on the Diocese of Salford website. According to the Press Officer, Fr John Flynn, "I am sure it is real."

On reflection I think the interview has to be fake, but I am reproducing it on my blog just in case it is a genuine scoop.

Our distinguished guest, creating life.

JOURNALIST: Welcome, God. Er, how should I address You?

GOD: Oh, don't stand on ceremony. Abba, Father, Lord, Sir, Boss - any of those will do. Even "Lord Sugar."

J: Can I assume that You are speaking as God the Father right now?

G: Yes, the doctrine of the Trinity is a little complex, but take it that I'm also speaking as God the Son to Johann Hari at the Independent, and Ruth Gledhill at the Times has booked me as God the Holy Spirit.

J: How do you see Your job? Is it a job for life, or do You think You may retire some time?

G: Oh, definitely for life, which means for ever in My case. After all, who could replace me?

J: Richard Dawkins, maybe?

Richard Dawkins cuddles another fossil for comfort.

G: Oh, poor Richard thinks he's God, but he's not got much of a clue. We converse regularly - well, I speak, and he sticks his fingers in his ears.

J: Tell us what you think of the new Pope, Sir.

G: Oh, a good man, I'm sure. A little different from Pope Benedict, of course. Perhaps it's a shame that he bundled up all his ceremonial robes and sent them to a charity shop.

You too can wear a fanon - modelled here by Pope Paul VI.

J: Many of our readers will be asking whether you are a "Traddie" or a "Liberal," Lord.

G: Ha ha ha, good question. Just think of me as being very orthodox. Can't abide those fools at the Tablet, though.

J: Oh, You read the Tablet?

G: Yes, I skim through it - when you're basically omniscient it's best to keep up with the enemy. Here's an example: TINA BEATTIE CALLS ON VATICAN TO SURRENDER. No, no, she's lost it.

J: These days, the Church seems to spend a lot of time arguing about abortion, same-sex marriage, and so forth. Any comments?

G: Oh get real. I made My views clear on those issues, centuries ago. By now everyone should have understood the basic moral principles of Christianity, and got on to more serious things like loving their neighbour.

Love your neighbour, François Hollande style. Les plods gassing les enfants de la patrie.

J: What do you think of the other burning issue of the day: the decision of the Telegraph to charge for its content?

G: Apparently, they have to pay for Geoffrey Lean to jet off to more conferences on global warming, and the airlines are threatening to charge double the price for fat people. I see their dilemma.

J: Will You pay the £1.99, O Lord?

G: No, for obvious reasons I won't need to do that. Besides, I really only read it for the cartoon and some of the blogs.

J: Do You listen to the radio?

G: Yes, I simply adore Thought for the Day. St Peter and I play this game in which we listen to Giles Fraser and count the number of theological errors, inadvertent blasphemies, and examples of sheer foolishness that he makes. I've seen St Peter rolling on the floor, laughing at some of Giles's blunders.

Giles Fraser has fans in very high places indeed.

J: One final question, Sir. Vatican II - what did you make of it?

G: Oh, it had some good points, but then some of what happened afterwards was simply hilarious. All that stuff about priests standing with their backs to Me, so that I couldn't see what they were up to. Totally clueless. And the hymns they make Me listen to these days - I do wonder why Paul Inwood and his friends hate me so much.

J: God the Father, thank You very much.

G: PAX VOBISCUM, and I'll be seeing you again in - oh, about 38 years from now.

J: Oh, er, right.

Not-very-relevant photo.

I've got a little list

With apologies to W.S. Gilbert.

KO-KO

As some day it will happen that the guilty must be found,
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of the Vatican's opponents, who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There are atheists like Dawkins who is nothing but a clown
For his books contain the biggest heap of garbage written down -
There's big fat oafish Stephen Fry, who jokes on child abuse,
There must be some point to the man, he doesn't seem much use -

The natural choice to play a pompous, vain, self-loving fool.

Giles Fraser's slightly Christian, but he's far more Socialist -
He never would be missed — he never would be missed!
  
CHORUS

He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.

KO-KO

There are Catholic politicians, for whom party takes first place 
Like Iain Duncan Smith — I've got him on the list!
Then McLoughlin - known as Patrick - is another real disgrace -
He never would be missed — he never would be missed!

Blah, blah, blah. Equal marriage. Blah blah blah.

Then the BBC's Ed Stourton speaks in sympathetic tone
Of all the little heresies and faiths except his own;
There's the lady from Roehampton, she who dresses like a guy,
She is sometimes banned from speaking, but she'd 
                                        'rather like to try';
And that singular anomaly, the lady Tabletist —
I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

 
CHORUS

He's got her on the list — he's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed — I'm sure she'll not be missed!

KO-KO

There are all those suspect clergy, who attack Pope Benedict,
The obsessive modernist — I've got him on the list!
Some gloomy deacons, comic priests and bishops (badly picked) —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed.
There's the German Prof. who wishes he could sit on Peter's throne,
So modest that he's got a six-foot statue of his own -

O worship the Küng...

And apologetic bishops of a compromising kind,
Such as — Cormac... Whatsit, Kieran... Thingie, 
                                   and Crispian... Never-mind.
There are many who spout utter rot and blame it on Vat II -
The task of finding extra names I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS

You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!

Shock resignation

Giles Fraser's shock resignation has stunned the world.

The world is shocked to learn that Giles Fraser has resigned from his position as comedy columnist on the Church Times. The reasons for his resignation are not entirely clear, but it seems that his onerous duties in the Chair of St Palmer, combined with the additional strain of writing for the Guardian and working for the BBC, have proved too much for the holy father. His 39 articles, to which all Anglican priests are supposed to subscribe (although they can also download them for nothing) have taken a severe toll on his energies. Perhaps he will now have more time for other duties, maybe even some of a parochial nature.

George Pitcher, Religious Correspondent of Viz magazine.

There will be a formal conclave to elect a successor to Giles Fraser, but the hot favourite is surely Jolly George Pitcher of St Bride's, Fleet Street, who writes the prestigious Georgie Pitcher - there's no-one richer column for Vizmagazine. Like Father Giles, Jolly George can be guaranteed to concentrate on left-wing issues without pushing too much religion down people's throats.

Laurie Penny, the thinking man's George Pitcher.

Another candidate has already thrown her hat into the ring, namely, Laurie Penny of that famous unread magazine The New Statesman (average subscription 27). With views almost identical to those of Giles Fraser, except perhaps that she possesses a certain spirituality which Giles does not, she could easily take over his job.

Pope Benedict XVI demonstrates a conjuring trick with a dove.

Finally, in a spirit of ecumenism, a surprise candidate has emerged. Pope Benedict XVI, a leading Catholic, has resigned his position in Rome and expressed interest in Giles Fraser's job. "It will give me a stepping-stone into show business," he is thought to have said.

"Cameron's Pope" exonerated

David Cameron and Pope Benedict XVI. Were they really friends?

The Guardian, February 9th 2113.

The author of a new book, The Pope's Catholics, has found evidence that Pope Benedict XVI, long vilified as "Cameron's Pope," was in fact a good friend of those who were persecuted by the evil dictator during his rule between 2010 and 2015.

In his new book, Gordon Thomas explains that during the persecution of the Catholic church in the early part of the 21st century, Benedict XVI did not stand idly by, but actually attempted to defend Catholic doctrine.

Many Christians, and Catholics in particular, were dismayed when in 2014 Cameron brought in an "Equal Marriage" law, reducing the age of consent to 6, and allowing marital unions to involve all organisms, regardless of sex and species, provided that at least one human was involved. Although he had earlier given an assurance that this was not his intention, "the world had moved on," and earlier promises were no longer valid.

A happy bride, "hoping to have kids."

For Anglicans and Catholics, Cameron had given an "octuple lock" guarantee that they would not be forced to conduct such wedding ceremonies in church. This of course meant that it very soon became obligatory. When the "Bigotry Act" of 2014 was introduced, many priests were forced to go into hiding.

Of course, some quasi-religious people were delighted: Giles Fraser, the journalist and part-time vicar, had said "I am prepared to be boiled in oil, and have my toenails pulled out, but it won't stop me marrying three men and an elephant, if I am asked to."

A wedding party, on its way to St Mary's, Newington.

But what was Pope Benedict XVI doing while all these changes were being made? Well, unlike some of his bishops and clergy, and totally unlike some nominally-Catholic MPs, he did in fact speak up in defence of traditional marriage; indeed, he provided shelter for many persecuted priests who rebelled against the new laws. In particular Benedict promoted to cardinal the man who later became his own successor on the throne of St Peter, preferring him to the obvious candidate ("Vin Rouge" or "Red Vin"), whose moral leadership he considered to be very weak.

Philip Egan (later, Pope Pius XIII).

Chalk and cheese to be equal

Chalk - an excellent source of protein.

Chalk-eaters were celebrating this evening as the House of Commons voted for an Equal Nutrition bill, which would give chalk the same status as cheese.

Supporters of the Let's eat chalk campaign, which include such well-respected religious figures as Tina Beattie and Giles Fraser, explained that the Bible's bigoted attitude was inappropriate for the 21st century.

Said one campaigner: "We refuse to accept chalkophobic passages, such as the following from Isaiah 27:9: When he maketh all the stones of the altar as chalkstones that are beaten in sunder, the groves and images shall not stand up. Why is it not the cheesestones that are beaten in sunder, eh?"

"Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?" (Job 10:10)

Another well-known Biblical figure who refused to eat chalk was celebrity moaner Job, who regularly expressed totally unacceptable chalkophobic sentiments, as above.

As Giles Fraser points out, Jesus never explicitly condemned the eating of chalk, and therefore it must be morally correct to serve it to children.

On the other side of the debate, some bigoted people have been fighting to maintain the traditional views of nutrition. "Family life hinges on the fact that children are fed proper food, such as cheese, and not a distorted calcareous diet," said one MP (to cries of "bigot"). "Moreover, if you are going to allow chalk to be fed to children, then why not chlorate?" he continued.

Chlorate. Almost the same as chalk and cheese.

Apart from (possibly) Peter Tatchell, few people have asked for chlorate to be given equal status with cheese as a source of protein, but opponents of the Equal Nutrition Bill say that it can only be a matter of time before it will be compulsorily served at school dinners.

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced a "quadruple lock" to protect faith schools from being forced to serve chalk for lunch; however, it has been pointed out that a quadruple lock is very easy to undo if you have one simple piece of equipment.

Four keys.

Are you a cultural Christian?

It's a funny thing, Christianity, isn't it? Many people would say it was something to do with belief in Jesus as the Son of God, who died for our sins and rose again (and there's a whole lot more, on which there is not always universal agreement). But some people call themselves Cultural Christians, so what's that all about, eh?

Culture for Christians (and others).

Here are some test questions to help you decide whether you are Christian, a cultural Christian, or something else entirely.

1. How often do you go to church?
(a) Once a week, maybe more.
(b) Just for christenings, weddings and funerals. But I stand 
there looking superior, and don't join in any of the hymns.
(c) Never. It's a sexist misogynist relic of the dark ages.

And what do YOU do, Mr Welby?

2. How do you celebrate Christmas?
(a) I go to church a lot.
(b) I buy hot cross buns and easter eggs, which for some 
reason are in the shops at that time.
(c) I call it Yule or Winterval and dance naked in the snow. 

It's a pure coincidence that I have a tree in my living-room.

3. What do you think of the Bible?
(a) A book of inspired religious writing.
(b) It was compiled by bronze-age goatherds, who couldn't 
read or write, but it has some memorable quotations in it.
(c) Nasty, homophobic, vicious. I prefer to curl up with 
Bertrand Russell.

"Nowadays we realise that the Bible was written by bigots."

4. How do science and religion fit together?
(a) Pretty well, really: many of our greatest scientists 
have been religious.
(b) Scientists were forced to be religious, and the best 
ones knew it was all a pretence.
(c) All science produced by religious people is suspect.

Newton (being religious) made an error in his theory of gravitation.

5. Why are you reading this blog?
(a) For spiritual nourishment.
(b) It is part of our Christian heritage, even if it is a 
blog full of vicious lies.
(c) I'm not. No way. Give me Das Kapital any day.

When I hear the phrase "Cultural Christian," I reach for my Zuhlsdorf.

If you replied mostly (a), then you are probably some sort of Christian (but not Giles Fraser). If (b), then you are a cultural Christian, and will no doubt spend much of your time insulting real Christians. If (c), then you may be trying a little too hard, Giles.

Writing to your M.P.

Not the best way to start your letter.

At this time many people will be writing to their Members of Parliament about the issue of same-sex marriage. We offer a few tips, designed to help you write the most effective and persuasive letter.

There are many ways to start the letter: "Dear Sir" or "Dear Madam" is the traditional way, but it may lay you open to a charge of transphobia. "Dear Humanoid" is safe enough, and may be used if you are uncertain of the exact species of your M.P.

Dear Humanoid.

Alternatively, you may wish to use the M.P.'s name, but be careful: Sir Archibald FitzHaggis of that Ilk should be addressed as "Dear Archie" or "Dear Spotty" if you know him well enough, but NOT "Dear Ilk." Starting your letter "Harriet, you old cow," "Dave, you slimy creep," or "Gordon, you lazy toad" is unlikely to endear yourself to the M.P. in question.

Next, you may wish to explain how religion influences your views on same-sex marriage. For example, if you are a Christian of some sort, then you probably want to uphold Christ's own views on marriage (unless you are Giles Fraser).

How many mistakes can you spot in this picture (not counting Giles Fraser)?

Mentioning that you are a Catholic may be counterproductive if your M.P. has been reading the inane ramblings of Richard Dawkins. It may be safer to say you are an Anglican, and hope that the M.P. will feel sorry for you. Claiming to be a Muslim may be very effective, especially if you offer to go round to the M.P.'s house with some friends to explain yourself further. If you happen to be a Scientologist, Jehovah's Witness, Mormon or Druid, then forget it: your M.P. won't even read the rest of the letter.

So that's agreed, then. We'll say we're Methodists.

Some other persuasive arguments you may use:

Blackmail. Say you know all about Eulalie (this is the P.G. Wodehouse ploy). There are many macho-looking M.P.s in mining constituences who design lingerie in their spare time. If you're called "The Thug of Gritville" you may not want your feminine side to be known. (Of course, being a thug is an equal-opportunity role, and there are many female M.P.s who rejoice in nicknames such as "The Battleaxe of Milton Pangle." Use your initiative here.)

Our "Peggy" range is selling well too.

Money. Most M.P.s love money, and will do anything for a little extra cash. The simple words "I have long respected you, and felt that your life would be enriched by the gift of a duck house" will go straight to the heart of your M.P.

Essential equipment for an M.P.

Embarrassment. It may seem excessive, but you could threaten to throw yourself under the M.P.'s car, or simply to turn up on the M.P.'s doorstep with a particularly ugly "love child." There is a problem here, in that most M.P.s, having no sense of shame, are not easily embarrassed.

Well, I hope that has been useful. Probably, it will also be helpful to send a copy of the photo below to your M.P., just to convince him completely.

If he sings "Where's your mother gone?" again, I'm going to be sick.