Henry VIII explains his breach with Rome

New historical evidence has emerged, explaining the reasons behind King Henry VIII's breach with Rome in the 1530s, which led ultimately to the Anglican church we know today.

Henry VIII - wanted to liberalize the Church.

"We have our own vision for the Anglican church," says King Henry in a previously unpublished document. "A church where women may become vicars, and dance in the aisle at weddings. A church where people like Archbishop Cranmer will be welcomed into our rooms in the morning to tell us that we are bigots if we let not a man wed another man."

Archbishop Cranmer (in papal camauro) shares a joke with Toynbee, the court jester.

Meanwhile, in Rome, Pope Paul III is also anxious to shock traditionalists. He is said to be planning a Council of Trent, which will turn orthodox Catholicism on its head. "We need to decide whether God is calling us to introduce liturgical dancing, puppet masses and homilies about 'my holiday in Paris'. I get regular letters in green ink from a very keen young man called Monsignor Basil Brushtus; he is urging us to drop Latin, and he has some most original ideas on how the Mass should be celebrated. But I've suggested that we come back to that in a few years time."

Monsignor Basil Brushtus - too revolutionary even for Pope Paul III.

"That is encouraging, but it does not go far enough," responds King Henry. "As King I am also ex officio Director of Liturgy round here, and I want to ensure that my song Greensleevesis used regularly at Mass. It is easily adapted to religious use:

Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!
Green are the sleeves of the Lord!

A one, a two, a one two three four... Green! Green! Green are the sleeves!

It is clear that these documents will force us to revise our views on the Reformation, and they will keep David Starkey in business for many years to come. Unfortunately.

A guide to the Novus Ordo 2

Continued from Part 1.

The story so far: although more used to the Extraordinary Form of the Mass, our students are learning about the Ordinary Form. As today's lesson starts we are about to embark on the act of penitence. So far the church is not very full, because those who aren't sinners haven't yet bothered to show up.

At this stage, late-comers are probably outside, liturgically parking the car.

For those who got there on time, the chances are that you will say a prayer starting: I confess to almighty God and to you, my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned.

Note that in the earlier English translation of the Missal (undertaken by a distinguished team of scholars including Basil Loftus and a man who owned a Latin dictionary with only a few pages missing), the greatly wasn't present; that's because people didn't sin so much in those days. The new translation also adds through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault, and you are supposed to beat your breast, perhaps three times.

Mea maxima culpa! How to beat your breast.

Actually, it seems that most people don't bother to do the breast-beating thing. If you are holding a baby, then it's probably a dangerous thing to attempt, but your sins may well be forgiven, all the same.

If you're lucky you will also get a sung version of this: Lord have mercy. Kyrie Eleison. If you're less lucky it will be accompanied by a man on an electric organ, a spotty teenager with a guitar, and an old man playing some sort of recorder. This is to encourage you to cry out for mercy.

Lord have mercy!

Well, that's over, the remaining stragglers have now turned up, usually squashing into the most crowded pews, and we are ready for the Gloria: Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to people of good will.In the earlier translation Lofty's pals got this wrong - possibly because some of them were not people of good will - and it came out as ...and peace to His people on earth.

"On earth" was also deemed to include astronauts.

The Gloria, as re-translated by Arthur Roche and co, is now very similar to its Latin equivalent; however, the congregation are nowadays encouraged to use some of the time in consulting their mobile phones, texting friends, etc. This is so that they don't do it during the Liturgy of the Word.

Before that, we may be invited to participate in a moment of silent prayer. Do it quickly, since after about 0.0001 seconds the priest will rush into the Collect. We'll discuss the Bible readings next time.

At the next stage the lector does not need to be a priest.

A mini-bestiary

In mythological writings, one encounters many fantastic and improbable creatures. Here are two really strange ones that we came across recently.

The Basilisk (Basiliscus Loftus).

The basilisk is a terrifying monster indeed, known for screaming unearthly threats in an attempt to petrify its enemies. It tends to occupy a little-known place called Catholica Tempora, where it leaves behind strange markings which many people find disgusting. This eccentric creature makes an interminable croaking sound, something like "va-ti-can-too va-ti-can-too". It runs away screaming if it hears Latin being spoken. People who speak the language of the basilisk claim that virtually everything it says is nonsense.

The Chimera (Davidus Chimeron).

One of the most repulsive creatures known to haunt Westminster is the chimera: an abomination that is part-man, part-goat and part-snake. An animal known for its love of deceit, it is rightly called "three-faced". These monsters like to reproduce by a same-sex bonding which they quaintly call "marriage". The creature is considered by many religions to be an obscene parody of God's creation. Sometimes the chimera simply acts the goat, but often the snake part is in control, and the animal is then at its most deadly.

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Unfortunately, we have no space for the Giant Boring "Tina" Beetle, the Holy Smoke Elemental, or the Catherine Piranha (or Tabletista). Some other time, perhaps.

The diary of a nobody

June 4th. Represented Ballydancer in a hurling match. The aim was to hurl as many insults at the Vatican as possible in 90 minutes. I managed to keep ranting for the whole period without taking a breath. "Well done, Father Flummery!" said the spectators.

Ladies' hurling. Of course the Vatican wants to stop it.

June 5th: Still in a state of open warfare with the Vatican. Went to the Ballydancer post office to collect my mail - they won't deliver it to the house since I poured a plate of Irish stew over the postman, mistaking him for my bishop.

My letter of complaint to Pope Benedict has been returned, marked "Gone away!" Apparently there's a new pope, called Francis. They kept that one a secret didn't they? I expect they did that to confuse me and my secret society CRAP - The Catholic Revolutionary Association of Priests.

The new Pope (in front, with giant fish). But nobody told Tony Flummery, did they?

June 6th: Read the Tablet. Very good, as is the National Catholic Reporter. They're taking up my case against the Vatican. "Justice for Flummery!" suggested that nice woman, Catherine Peppermint. They also suggest writing to Basil Loftus, who can always be relied on to say something to irritate Catholics.

June 7th: I am a great admirer of Enda Life, our Taoiseach, so I went into the street with a banner "Enda Life for Jesus." Enda's a fine Gael, the finest you ever saw. My brother Frankenstein works for him, you know. At the moment we are all campaigning for lots of lovely abortion in Ireland - if that doesn't annoy Pope Benedict Francis, I don't know what else will!

Enda Kenny plays "When Irish eyes are smiling" on a giant tin of shoe-polish.

June 8th: Spent the day working on my latest book, Judas Iscariot - the first rebel against the Vatican. The man was an inspiration to us all.

June 9th (Sunday): Said Mass at Ballydancer. It seems that there is a new translation of the Missal. It's terrible. I got as far as "consubstantial with the Father" and then fell to the ground in a fit, foaming at the mouth. It seems that I'll be spending next week in the Ballydancer Infirmary. I'll bet that the Vatican doesn't send anyone round with grapes.

Someone fixed this to my hospital bed! I suspect the CDF.

Quaeritur: should Christians keep slaves?

Q: Dear Fr E, I am an Anglican living in Salisbury, and my bishop says that traditionally the Christian churches supported the keeping of slaves. Is it true that Christ kept slaves?

"Before Wilberforce, all Christians kept slaves, you know."

Fr E writes: There seems to be no clear Biblical evidence that Christ kept slaves, although as a share-holder in His father's JOKEA^TM furniture business, He was clearly a wealthy man. JOKEA^TM flat-pack bookcases and tables were known throughout the Holy Land. And, if they were ever broken, then they were soon repaired (cf. the Miracle of the Healed Chair-leg).

We're getting our next table from JOKEA^TM.

However, claims by Anglican bishops that Jesus kept slaves, and even that He used to beat them, seem to be wide of the mark.

According to a Tablet journalist I was talking to, it was compulsory for Catholics to keep slaves until Vatican II, when the windows were thrown open and the slaves were thrown out. So I'm told that we should thank Basil Loftus for the final abolition of slavery.

It's a theological grey area.

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Q: I am a "working peer" in the House of Lords, and also a pious Catholic. Although I have no time to go to church, I do make a point of listening to Thought for the Day on my car radio each morning, and I attend charity events such as beer festivals whenever I know a press-reporter will be present.

Welcome to the Peer Festival.

Now I am in a real dilemma over the Equal Sex Bill, as I have been getting rude letters and e-mails from the public, of two kinds:

1. Look you half-witted freak, you are supposed to be have some sort of conscience, and it's blindingly obvious that marriage should be between one man and one woman, and not some other ridiculous combination of organisms. Call yourself a Catholic?

2. Look, mate, you don't want us to tell people that you are a homophobic bigot who is out of touch with modern liberal attitudes, do you? We know where you live, you know.

I feel that argument (2) is more persuasive.

The House of Lords votes on same-sex marriage.

Fr E writes: Quite right, my son. As a member of the Houses of Parliament, you don't want to start thinking for yourself, do you? Just string together some of the following buzzwords, and you'll have a cast-iron argument for same-sex marriage:

LGBTQIA community.
Equal Marriage.
Diversity.
Brighton.
Homophobia.
Elton John.
Bigotry.
Queer as a coot.

A gay coot with designer babies.

Gay Pride.
Husband and, er, husband.
Alan Turing.
Slavery.
Parent 1, Parent 2 and Parent 3.
François Hollande.
Ernie and Bert from Sesame Street.
Cannibalism.
There's nowt so queer as folk.

Our "designer baby" seems to be a duck.

Papal visit 2018

Calculations made with the aid of the book of Jeremiah, the predictions of Nostradamus, and the Mayan calendar indicate that Pope Francis will make an official visit to the UK in 2018. We have an exclusive preview of the programme.

Pope Francis kisses the feet of a sinner (probably Richard Dawkins).

The visit will include a ceremony of beatification of Monsignor Basil Loftus: if the old fellow is still alive in 2018, then another prominent British cleric will be chosen, perhaps Cardinal Godfrey (who died in 1963 shortly after attending the first session of Vatican II and hearing what Loftus had in mind).

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Loftus?

One of the highlights of the papal visit will be a "gay mass" in Westminster Cathedral, celebrated by Archbishop Vincent Nichols with additional contributions from Terry Weldon. Pope Francis will be heavily sedated to stop him from walking out.

There will also be a special lecture from Professor Dame Tina Beattie, Regius Professor of Heretical Studies at the University of Cambridge. The lecture will be called Lumen Gentium part 94 - a modern look at some of Christ's worst mistakes. The lecture will end with Dame Tina attacking the Pope with a mop, symbolizing a necessary clean-up in the Catholic Church.

Can you lend me a mop?

The more orthodox wing of the church will not be forgotten. Bishops Finigan and Finnegan, part of a wave of more traditionally-minded prelates created as a direct result of the intercession of Antonio Mennini, will celebrate a Latin Mass in honour of the Holy Father, whether he wants one or not. Afterwards, there will be a special showing of Michael Voris's video Bore-tex, and the Pope will be served with a cup of "Mystic Monk" coffee.

Saved people drink "Mystic Monk" coffee.

The final event of the Papal visit was supposed to be the presentation of a red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols, although the predictions of Jeremiah suggest that perhaps ++Vin will have coals of fire heaped on his head, instead. Still, all details are, at this stage, provisional.

Bishop Conry protects himself from being hit by a thunderbolt.

Learn Latin, or play Bingo

First, Josephus Shavius of the Latin Mass Society teaches us a new word.

Josephus Shavius, Oxford's answer to Maria Barba.

Today's Latin word, often used by those interested in the traditional Latin Mass, is Loftus, meaning a buffoon or clown.

Loftus, a clown (nominative),
Lofte, O clown (vocative),
Loftum, a clown (accusative),
Lofti, of a clown (genitive),
Lofto, to a clown (dative),
Lofto, by with or from a clown (ablative).

The plural form is Lofti, Lofti, Loftos, Loftorum, Loftis, Loftis.

O Tempora! O Lofti!

A good example of the use of Loftus can be found in Cicero's famous cry against a plague of superannuated priests writing nonsensical essays: O Tempora! O Lofti!This is usually translated as O (Catholic) Times! O Clowns!

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Next, as Damian Thompson's blog becomes even more like a parody of this one, there is still one good reason to read it.

Damian Bingo!

Yes, make yourself some Bingo cards similar to the one above, and tick off the themes as they (inevitably) appear in Damian's Saturday column.

Noele Gordon, grandmother of Bryony (just for you, Damian).

Remains identified as Richard

Richard.

Scientists have confirmed that the skeleton found in a car park in Leicester is indeed that of the veteran Christian singer, Cliff Richard (born 1452). They commented that the skeleton was in very good condition, and that identification became easier when they heard it trying to sing Congratulations. It then apologised for its somewhat croaking voice, saying "I'm hoarse, I'm hoarse, my singing's rather hoarse!"

Until the positive identification was made, there were many other theories about the identity of the skeleton. One of the most bizarre was that it might be the even-more-veteran Catholic bore, Basil Loftus, sole architect of Vatican II, who is now generally regarded as a poor old fossil.

The Loftus Monster.

However, "Lofty," as he is known to his friends, has recently been located somewhere near Loch Ness, where he provides an attraction for tourists who cannot quite believe in the existence of the Loftus Monster.

Although the identification of Richard's bones is an event of great historical importance, it seems unfortunately to have been overshadowed today by the story of Chris Huhne, an MP who has admitted to perverting the course of justice by trying to dodge a speeding conviction. And now he is history as well.

Chris Huhne.

Ave! Magazine

Ave! Magazine has the exclusive photos of the 80th birthday party of Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, at which a galaxy of celebrities joined to wish the cardinal Ad multos annos.

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The Sacred

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor was clearly enjoying himself immensely.

Vincent Nichols sits by his mobile phone. "I'm expecting a man to call about a red hat," he explains.

Mgr Basil Loftus (centre) conducts a simple post-Vatican-II service of thanksgiving for the ministry of Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor.

Pope Benedict XVI (Keeper of the Keys) receives from Arthur Roche (Keeper of the Padlocks) a catalogue of those churches in Rome destined for closure.

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The semi-sacred

Damian Thompson, a Notting Hill journalist, grumbles that the carnival organizers asked him to play his piano more quietly, as they couldn't hear themselves revel.

Tony and Cherie Blair, who generously waived half their normal appearance fee, were the life and soul of the party.

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The definitely profane

Polly Toynbee explains how she went to Tuscany to see for herself how women were being oppressed by the Catholic Church.

"Am I overdressed?" quips Prince Harry, grandson of the Supreme Governor of the Church of England.

The Honourable Member for Bradford West (representing Julian Assange) shows Respect.

Boris Johnson and Kelly Brook arrive by bike. Lance Armstrong wanted to come as well, but is banned from cycling.

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One of the many gifts given to Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor

The Venus de Milo, lovingly restored by a little old lady.

Vatican II - 50 years on

Monsignor Basil Foltus, who in 1962 was a high-flying priest in his late forties, played an important role in persuading the Second Vatican Council to throw away the Church's ancient traditions. He reflects modestly on some of the reforms he instigated.

Basil Foltus as a young priest

Which way should the priest face at Mass?

The answer to this question was obvious to me. When I ride on an omnibus, I don't want the driver to turn his back on me, in order to see where he's going, I want him to turn round and talk to me. "Monsignor Foltus, how kind of you to grace our humble omnibus with your presence! Where do you want me to take you?" he should say. In the same way, the priest should turn round, face the congregation, and ask them, "Where do you want me to take you?"

Pre-Vatican II omnibus crash on Loftus Bank, Yorkshire

Or to put it another way, should a church be more like an omnibus, or a theatre? Do we go to church because we want to follow the priest towards God, or because we want him to entertain us?

Latin - Requiescat In Pace

One casus belli at the 2nd Vatican Council was which lingua franca we should adopt for masses de futuro. We had an in camera debate on this, and I saw that it was ipso facto necessary to lead the Catholic faithful into terra incognita. You may well say "De minimis non curat lex," but whoever heard of the plebs speaking Latin? After all, cui bono?, as I pointed out. This made me a persona non grata in some circles - I remember saying "Et, tu, Brute?" to the Pope himself - but "Carpe diem" is my motto, and muttering "Excelsior!" to myself, I went on to make a prima facie case for abolishing Latin, using a powerful reductio ad absurdum argument ad nauseam, namely, "Vox Populi, Vox Dei." Having won the debate, my only thoughts were "Labor omnia vincit." Well, "Veni, vidi, vici," and we may finally say, "Quod erat demonstrandum!"

We never sing "Cave canem" at Masses in my church

Significantly, Vatican II was an opportunity to give the liturgy a good shake-up. When people come to Confession with me, I no longer ask them to say five Hail Marys as a penance - no, they are told to sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" five times. They don't come back, I can tell you!

Giving a lead to the church

Although, nominally, the leader of the Catholic Church is now a young chap operating under the alias of Benedict XVI, I still see it as my role to direct the faithful away from the sort of fuddy-duddy traditionalism that might have appealed to my father's generation - people such as Augustine and Aquinas, that is. Vatican II was the New Pentecost - the time that the Holy Spirit settled on Basil Foltus and inspired him to lead the Church into pastures new.

The author (in striped dressing-gown) witnesses the New Pentecost

I am a strong believer in free speech, and you may have heard of my threats of legal action against Fr Michael Clifton and Fr Ray Blake - dreadful traditionalists clinging to outmoded beliefs. I simply wanted them to have their say, of course, and I thought that a court of law might be the best place for it. But, in general, the Catholic Church appreciates all that I have done for it, and I still receive tokens of esteem from grateful worshippers.

A gift from an anonymous admirer