New Dr Who series

Ian McKellen - a politically, correct Doctor for the 21st century (with silly hat).

A new series of the children's programme Dr Who has just been announced. In recent years, the show has been known for telling kids as young as six years old about homosexual time-travellers and lesbian lizards, and now it has been decided to take this further in a series of exciting adventures in which the Doctor takes on the forces of Christianity galaxy-wide.

Fr Magister - the Doctor has a long history of fighting clericalism.

In next week's story, Dr Who and the Cyberbride, the Doctor arrives on the planet Mondas, where he falls in love with a handsome Cyberman. The two of them approach the Bishop of Mondas, requesting that he tie the knot for them, but owing to the nasty bigoted social conditions pertaining there, the Bishop is forced to refuse. The Cyberman had set its heart on a Church wedding, and so the Doctor is forced to part from his lover and continue his lonely voyage through Time and Space.

Get me to the church on time! Cyberbride, with bridesmaids

Later in the series, we see the Doctor arrive in 21st Century London. In a story entitled Trouble with Archbishops, he meets a crazed dictator called Dave, who is attempting to change history, although opposed by a group of religious maniacs. Confusion is caused by the intervention of a gang of comedy Bishops - the Archbishop of Greater London, The Archbishop of London, the Archimandrite of the Metropolitan Line, the Metropolitan of the Archimandrite Line, the Patriarch of the North and South Circulars, the High Priestess of Hyde Park, and the Bishop of London - each of whom claims to be a valid minister.

The Doctor's new assistant, Owen (aged 10), even more irritating than the late Adric.

Finally, the Daleks are brought back, yet again, in an adventure Wedding of the Daleks. Davros, their creator, has finally realized that Daleks will be able to breed on their own if he makes female ones as well as male ones. He teaches them a new catch-phrase, CO-PU-LATE, CO-PU-LATE , and insists that from now on all Dalek romances are to be heterosexual. This is where the Doctor turns up, and with a stirring cry of "Gay rights for Daleks!" takes on the forces of bigotry, reaction, etc.

Mummy, is Giles Fraser still on?

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 5

Continued from Chapter 4

1. So it came to pass that Richard called his book The Blind Watchmaker.

2. For the wise men of Oxford University Press had said unto him, "Your title The bloody useless clockmaker is a no-no, squire."

3. But Richard spake unto them saying, "I care not, really. Just keep sending me the royalties."

The blind watchmaker passes on his genes

4. And Richard was hailed as the new Darwin, yea, the only man who really understood how evolution worked.

5. And he considered chartering a boat, and sailing to the Galapagos islands therein, that he might improve on the work of Darwin, and perhaps become even more celebrated.

6. But in the end Richard hardened his heart against the idea; which is why we have no classic Voyage of the Chicken, to place alongside the Voyage of the Beagle.

Wildlife on the Galapagos Islands

7. Then Richard spake unto the World, saying, "Genetics is dead. Long live Memetics."

8. And those who liked Richard said, "His work has some memetic value," while those who did not said, "His work has some emetic value," which sounds exactly the same, really; no doubt both were right.

9. So the fame of Richard spread, and he won many awards. The Mooseknuckle Humanists' Club gave him their prestigious Golden Spleen award, and the Emperor Nero Burn-the-Christians revivalists presented him with a pair of engraved silver noseplugs.

10. And Richard was invited to give the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures for Children. Which is ironic, as he was neither a royalist nor a Christian, even if he belonged in an institution.

An audience of children listens with rapt attention

11. And Richard insisted that Christianity and Creationism were the same thing, and that this disproved Christianity. Q.E.D.

12. And God laughed.

13. Finally, even the men of Oxford recognised Richard's greatness, for they promoted him to the rank of Reader in Zoology, which means, "Not quite good enough to be a professor, but still pretty sound on chickens."

14. But there were men who spake against Richard, saying, "He is totally la-la, and needs to be in a mental home."

15. So they sought a hospital with a special ward for deluded megalomaniacs, which might be called the La-la Ward.

16. Which will bring us naturally to the next chapter, for by now Richard had put aside his second wife, and was driven by his genes to seek a third.

The Blind Matchmaker

Continued in Chapter 6