Church rocked by "gay lobby" allegations

The church of England was reeling in shock today after the existence of a highly influential "gay lobby" at its heart was finally admitted.

The Union Flag is replaced with the Rainbow.

The first signs of such a lobby came when the secular wing of the church of England, which trades under the name "British Government", started enacting legislation to overturn the ideas of marriage, fatherhood, motherhood, men, women, etc. David Cameron, the person who appoints the church's bishops, has been identified as one of the people responsible for attacking family life in this way.

Things came to a head today, when the British Embassy in Paris decided to raise the rainbow flag in solidarity with the "Gay Bride" march in London. "Mon dieu," said a French commentator, "it's true what they say about le vice anglais, then?"

Not the sort of wedding we expect to see much longer.

The Queen herself, although Supreme Governor of the church of England, is not intending to take part in the "Gay Bride" march, and nor indeed is Archbishop Justin Welby, her deputy. However, Her Majesty has herself been seen visiting the "third arm" of the Church of England, the BBC, which is itself blamed for sex scandals dating back to the 1960s.

Blimey! It's the Supreme Governor!

The Catholic Church has its own problems, of course, and it was rumoured today that rebel forces in the Vatican had tried to raise the "Gay Bride" flag today, but had been repelled with holy-water cannons.

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Meanwhile, this weekend also sees the return of the Glastonbury Festival. Curiously, a copy of the programme of the very first Glastonbury Festival has come to light, dating from 50 A.D.

The aftermath of Glastonbury.

Topping the bill is Joseph of Arimathea, who will be performing his popular hit Jerusalem.

Joseph of Arimathea sings: And did those feet in ancient time...

Another name that will be known to modern readers is that of a very young Cliff Richard, who has of course performed at all the Glastonbury Festivals since the first one.

A promising young singer.

Many celebrities attended, including the lovely Princess Boadicea (or however you want to spell her name), although her insistence on coming by chariot caused some problems to passers-by.

Merlin asks: "Has anyone lost this?"

A mini-bestiary

In mythological writings, one encounters many fantastic and improbable creatures. Here are two really strange ones that we came across recently.

The Basilisk (Basiliscus Loftus).

The basilisk is a terrifying monster indeed, known for screaming unearthly threats in an attempt to petrify its enemies. It tends to occupy a little-known place called Catholica Tempora, where it leaves behind strange markings which many people find disgusting. This eccentric creature makes an interminable croaking sound, something like "va-ti-can-too va-ti-can-too". It runs away screaming if it hears Latin being spoken. People who speak the language of the basilisk claim that virtually everything it says is nonsense.

The Chimera (Davidus Chimeron).

One of the most repulsive creatures known to haunt Westminster is the chimera: an abomination that is part-man, part-goat and part-snake. An animal known for its love of deceit, it is rightly called "three-faced". These monsters like to reproduce by a same-sex bonding which they quaintly call "marriage". The creature is considered by many religions to be an obscene parody of God's creation. Sometimes the chimera simply acts the goat, but often the snake part is in control, and the animal is then at its most deadly.

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Unfortunately, we have no space for the Giant Boring "Tina" Beetle, the Holy Smoke Elemental, or the Catherine Piranha (or Tabletista). Some other time, perhaps.

Pope's new exorcise video

It is generally agreed that exorcism of demons is best performed by senior clergy. In the Catholic church it requires a bishop's permission - otherwise priests and deacons have been known to get carried away, attempting to expel demons from cats, rice puddings and bicycles. So it should come as no surprise that Pope Francis has been seen engaging in the practice of exorcism.

I command the spirit of Hans Küng to quit this child!

For dealing with those who are only slightly possessed, Pope Francis has invented an alternative ritual.

So, demon, if I win at scissors-paper-stone, you agree to leave this woman alone?

For highly-connected people, Pope Francis has been known to attempt exorcisms on demand.

So, Miss Biden, how long do you think that your brother has been possessed by demons?

Of course, Pope Francis is not the first to practice exorcism. Pope Benedict XVI also had to confront the evil done by demons who attacked Christianity.

When dealing with the worst demons, Pope Benedict always stood safely inside a pentagram.

"Cameron's Pope" exonerated

David Cameron and Pope Benedict XVI. Were they really friends?

The Guardian, February 9th 2113.

The author of a new book, The Pope's Catholics, has found evidence that Pope Benedict XVI, long vilified as "Cameron's Pope," was in fact a good friend of those who were persecuted by the evil dictator during his rule between 2010 and 2015.

In his new book, Gordon Thomas explains that during the persecution of the Catholic church in the early part of the 21st century, Benedict XVI did not stand idly by, but actually attempted to defend Catholic doctrine.

Many Christians, and Catholics in particular, were dismayed when in 2014 Cameron brought in an "Equal Marriage" law, reducing the age of consent to 6, and allowing marital unions to involve all organisms, regardless of sex and species, provided that at least one human was involved. Although he had earlier given an assurance that this was not his intention, "the world had moved on," and earlier promises were no longer valid.

A happy bride, "hoping to have kids."

For Anglicans and Catholics, Cameron had given an "octuple lock" guarantee that they would not be forced to conduct such wedding ceremonies in church. This of course meant that it very soon became obligatory. When the "Bigotry Act" of 2014 was introduced, many priests were forced to go into hiding.

Of course, some quasi-religious people were delighted: Giles Fraser, the journalist and part-time vicar, had said "I am prepared to be boiled in oil, and have my toenails pulled out, but it won't stop me marrying three men and an elephant, if I am asked to."

A wedding party, on its way to St Mary's, Newington.

But what was Pope Benedict XVI doing while all these changes were being made? Well, unlike some of his bishops and clergy, and totally unlike some nominally-Catholic MPs, he did in fact speak up in defence of traditional marriage; indeed, he provided shelter for many persecuted priests who rebelled against the new laws. In particular Benedict promoted to cardinal the man who later became his own successor on the throne of St Peter, preferring him to the obvious candidate ("Vin Rouge" or "Red Vin"), whose moral leadership he considered to be very weak.

Philip Egan (later, Pope Pius XIII).

Chalk and cheese to be equal

Chalk - an excellent source of protein.

Chalk-eaters were celebrating this evening as the House of Commons voted for an Equal Nutrition bill, which would give chalk the same status as cheese.

Supporters of the Let's eat chalk campaign, which include such well-respected religious figures as Tina Beattie and Giles Fraser, explained that the Bible's bigoted attitude was inappropriate for the 21st century.

Said one campaigner: "We refuse to accept chalkophobic passages, such as the following from Isaiah 27:9: When he maketh all the stones of the altar as chalkstones that are beaten in sunder, the groves and images shall not stand up. Why is it not the cheesestones that are beaten in sunder, eh?"

"Hast thou not poured me out as milk, and curdled me like cheese?" (Job 10:10)

Another well-known Biblical figure who refused to eat chalk was celebrity moaner Job, who regularly expressed totally unacceptable chalkophobic sentiments, as above.

As Giles Fraser points out, Jesus never explicitly condemned the eating of chalk, and therefore it must be morally correct to serve it to children.

On the other side of the debate, some bigoted people have been fighting to maintain the traditional views of nutrition. "Family life hinges on the fact that children are fed proper food, such as cheese, and not a distorted calcareous diet," said one MP (to cries of "bigot"). "Moreover, if you are going to allow chalk to be fed to children, then why not chlorate?" he continued.

Chlorate. Almost the same as chalk and cheese.

Apart from (possibly) Peter Tatchell, few people have asked for chlorate to be given equal status with cheese as a source of protein, but opponents of the Equal Nutrition Bill say that it can only be a matter of time before it will be compulsorily served at school dinners.

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced a "quadruple lock" to protect faith schools from being forced to serve chalk for lunch; however, it has been pointed out that a quadruple lock is very easy to undo if you have one simple piece of equipment.

Four keys.

Priests may still wear religious symbols in church

In a landmark decision, the European Court of Human Rights has ruled that priests will still be allowed to wear symbols of their faith in church, except when they are banned on Health and Safety grounds. On the other hand, priests will be forbidden from preaching any controversial religious doctrines, such as the existence of Good and Evil.

How many Health and Safety violations can you count?

In the picture above, several Health and Safety violations were noted. In future, the priest and servers will be required to wear flame-proof clothing if they wish to continue to use lighted candles in the church. It will also be necessary to have a fire extinguisher prominently displayed on the altar. Moreover, the crucifix at the east end of the church must be removed, in case it falls on someone.

Approved vestments for priests, in cases where incense levels are dangerously high.

Some people have argued that forcing a priest to wear a gas mask while preaching may make his words totally inaudible. This, however, is not normally considered to be a disadvantage. Holy Water is also banned on Health and Safety grounds, as it is known to cause severe burning to demons, devils and liberal Catholics.

Following the ECHR rulings, anyone now has the human right to object should the priest attempt to utter controversial religious doctrines, even in his own church. This includes vicious bullying statements such as "You know, marriage is really supposed to be between a man and a woman, not three men and an elephant" or "Alas, we don't have the facilities for conducting a special Mass for Catholics who like being handcuffed to the bed and slapped with wet fish."

On our way to Mass.

In a landmark piece of opportunism, David Cameron today said, "I am proud that our government has preserved the right of priests to wear religious symbols in church; this is what Conservatism is all about."

1000 priests write to the Telegraph

Cuculus cameronus.

SIR,

As we were walking down Whitehall today, we distinctly heard the sound of the cuckoo. It was croaking its characteristic cry of Gayma-Ridge Gayma-Ridge. Was this the first cuckoo of spring?

Rt Rev Philip Egan
Bishop of Portsmouth

Rt Rev Malcolm McMahon
Bishop of Nottingham

Not Kieran Conry - couldn't find a pen.

Rt Rev Paul Priest
Bishop of Corby (Could I add a few paragraphs here about logical paradigms? No?)

Lots of priests called Finigan, Finnegan etc
Representing the "Finnegans Wake" blogging consortium

Rev Ray Blake-Seven (with "Zuhlsdorf" liturgical handgun), a rival blogger

Rev Sir Charles Dilke Bt Cong Orat
Mission to the aristocracy

Mitred Archpriest Alexander Nadson
Man with the fanciest headgear

What the well-dressed mitred archpriest is wearing this season.

Mgr Andrew Summersgill
Magic Circle

Rt Rev Mgr Keith Newton
Ordinary, Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham, mission to Soho

Rev G.K. Ale, Abbot of Bury St Edmund's

Mgr Uncle Tom Cobleigh and All
Widecombe

... and more.

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SIR,

David Cameron

No exemptions for Christians

Following a brilliantly original High Court decision by Mr Justice Langstaff that keeping holy the Sabbath day is not a "core component" of Christian belief, and that Christians may henceforth be forced to work on Sundays, we asked a few other High Court judges to explain Christianity to us.

Mr Justice Dredd.

"A prohibition against killing isn't a core component of Christian belief," explained Mr Justice Dredd. "Trust me, I'm a judge, I know these things. If an employer asks a Christian to murder one of his competitors, then the Christian has no right to object on grounds of conscience. It is true that under company law, murders are only permitted if the details are fully disclosed to shareholders at the annual general meeting, but this is not usually a problem."

Judge Dredd went on to explain that he was a great fan of the James Bond films, in which Bond, a pious Catholic, had been given a licence to kill. He had observed that Agent 007 never let his faith stand in the way if it became necessary to blow up the underwater lair of a crazed megalomaniac whose aim was to take over the world, and so he knew exactly what Christianity taught about murder. For that matter, adultery was also occasionally part of the job...

This is all the Law and the Prophets.

Another judge was quick to concur. "There's this commandment about worshipping graven images. Well, we can't give Christians any exemption there, either. Suppose they want to become Conservative cabinet ministers, a noble calling if ever there was one. They would need to kiss all sorts of things en route, including a graven image of David Cameron. They can't expect some sort of exemption, can they?"

Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes! Worship me!

Finally, we asked a Very Senior Judge indeed.

A Very Senior Judge indeed.

Speaking up for Judge Langstaff, a Very Senior Judge indeed agreed that He also expected His employees to work on Sundays; indeed, it was a popular myth amongst the laity that many of His priests only worked on Sundays.

It's no use, Father. You'll have to work Sundays from now on.

So there we have it. Our Lord Langstaff's Summary of the Law is backed by the highest Authority indeed.

New Dr Who series

Ian McKellen - a politically, correct Doctor for the 21st century (with silly hat).

A new series of the children's programme Dr Who has just been announced. In recent years, the show has been known for telling kids as young as six years old about homosexual time-travellers and lesbian lizards, and now it has been decided to take this further in a series of exciting adventures in which the Doctor takes on the forces of Christianity galaxy-wide.

Fr Magister - the Doctor has a long history of fighting clericalism.

In next week's story, Dr Who and the Cyberbride, the Doctor arrives on the planet Mondas, where he falls in love with a handsome Cyberman. The two of them approach the Bishop of Mondas, requesting that he tie the knot for them, but owing to the nasty bigoted social conditions pertaining there, the Bishop is forced to refuse. The Cyberman had set its heart on a Church wedding, and so the Doctor is forced to part from his lover and continue his lonely voyage through Time and Space.

Get me to the church on time! Cyberbride, with bridesmaids

Later in the series, we see the Doctor arrive in 21st Century London. In a story entitled Trouble with Archbishops, he meets a crazed dictator called Dave, who is attempting to change history, although opposed by a group of religious maniacs. Confusion is caused by the intervention of a gang of comedy Bishops - the Archbishop of Greater London, The Archbishop of London, the Archimandrite of the Metropolitan Line, the Metropolitan of the Archimandrite Line, the Patriarch of the North and South Circulars, the High Priestess of Hyde Park, and the Bishop of London - each of whom claims to be a valid minister.

The Doctor's new assistant, Owen (aged 10), even more irritating than the late Adric.

Finally, the Daleks are brought back, yet again, in an adventure Wedding of the Daleks. Davros, their creator, has finally realized that Daleks will be able to breed on their own if he makes female ones as well as male ones. He teaches them a new catch-phrase, CO-PU-LATE, CO-PU-LATE , and insists that from now on all Dalek romances are to be heterosexual. This is where the Doctor turns up, and with a stirring cry of "Gay rights for Daleks!" takes on the forces of bigotry, reaction, etc.

Mummy, is Giles Fraser still on?

A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dawkins

Will nobody say a good word for The God Delusion?

Scroogeard's career was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. He had given up biology, a subject at which he was considered to be very capable, in favour of theology, about which he knew almost nothing; as a result, he was reduced to sitting by the fireside all day long, foaming at the mouth, and shouting "Bah! Humbug!" whenever there was any mention of Christianity on the television.

As he sat there watching the BBC's Christmas Special, A Tribute to Jimmy Savile, and reflecting how, by telling the Daily Mailthat bringing children up as Catholics was worse than raping them, it would give him some more column-inches and pay for Lalla's next trip to Gallifrey, the room darkened and a ghostly figure appeared before him.

The Ghost of Christmas Past.

"Hey," said the ghost. "Let's not be formal here. Just call me Tony."

"B-b-b-but you're a Catholic," gasped Scroogeard in terror. "You follow the beliefs of that vile Catholic church. Keep away from me!"

"Let's just say that I've got my own beliefs, and I'm encouraging the Catholic church to follow," said the ghost. It showed Scroogeard a vision of a world run by Blairite Catholics, in which abortion could thrive, and in which religion was gradually sidelined.

The vision faded, and another horrible figure appeared.

The Ghost of Christmas Present.

"Another worshipper of sky fairies!" shuddered Scroogeard. "An Anglican! That's nearly as bad!"

"Don't worry," said the ghost calmly. "The Anglican church does what I say now. If I want women bishops, it will appoint them. But I have an even better scheme, which I'm sure you'll like. Since men and women don't get married very often these days, we're going to insist that men marry men, and women marry women! And, as it says in the Bible, the lion will lie down with the lamb and have its babies, because after all, it has rights like anyone else. If this doesn't get the Catholics screaming, I don't know what will!"

The second vision faded, and Scroogeard, now considerably perked up, awaited to see what horrors lay in the future.

The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.

"But you're not a Christian at all," cried Scroogeard gleefully to the third ghost. "If you come to power, we shall see the triumph of atheism after all! Harriet Harman will rule with an iron rod, we shall become daily ever more equal and diverse, and the Catholic Church and the Church of England will disappear! Oh joy! Oh rapture!"

"Well, not entirely," said the ghost. "We will simply appoint Giles Fraser as Archbishop of Canterbury, and Tina Beattie as Archbishop of Westminster. That way, the churches will be able to move away from God, and be more in step with the great secular adventure."

Scroogeard, overjoyed, rushed into the street, generously showering gifts on all the poor people he met. To Bob Cratchit, whose family had no fuel, he gave a copy of The Blind Watchmaker, which Bob gratefully put on the fire.

But what of poor Tiny Tim, who lay sick in a corner of the room? Why, Scroogeard had a wonderful gift for him too, a copy of The God Delusion.

Yes, it was the biggest turkey they'd ever seen!

A modest proposal

In a last-ditch attempt to make the Conservative party more "liberal," "inclusive," "modern," and "popular," David Cameron announced today that the Coalition was planning to implement an old policy, first suggested in 1729 by Fr Jonathan Swift, whereby it would become legal to eat children.

David Cameron and Barack Obama exchange cooking tips.

"Of course we shall engage in a full consultation," explained the Prime Minister, "before ignoring its results and going ahead with this policy. In an age of equality and diversity, we feel that the cannibal community should be granted full dietary rights."

Already condemnation has come in from the more traditionalist church leaders, who claim that the new legislation would offend what they quaintly call their "moral principles." This has not gone down well with liberal organizations, such as the cannibal rights organization Bonemaul, which recently awarded its "Bigot of the year" award to Archbishop Keith O'Brien.

Giles Fraser - received a special award from Bonemaul.

Other church leaders were quick - well, slow, actually - to follow suit, and eventually even Vincent Nichols was forced to take notice. The Westminster diocese has long had a tradition of holding special masses for cannibals, and it is thought that the Nuncio is unhappy with this.

Learning that churches would be forbidden from serving meat sourced from homo sapiens, we are awaiting a statement from Giles Fraser, the socialist who appears on Thought for the Day whenever the BBC needs someone to discredit Christianity; it is hoped by many that he will be prepared to go to prison on the issue of equal rights for cannibals.

Could this be Giles Fraser's next parish?

Meanwhile, the Conservative party has not received the boost in popularity that it expected when it announced its plans for cannibalism. David Cameron himself has long been a champion of "family values" and he is said to be very surprised that this new legislation should be regarded as an attack on the integrity of the family.

Fr Swift - an inspiration to modern liberal thinkers.

English Archbishops get tough

"Go ahead, make my day, Cameron."

In a sudden change of direction, Archbishops Vincent Nichols and Peter Smith, previously regarded as lovable fluffy bunnies who wouldn't say "Boo!" to a goose, have turned on David Cameron and told him in no uncertain terms where to stick his proposals for same-sex marriage.

A goose, one of many in fear of an archiepiscopal booing.

It is believed that the terrible two, "Dirty Vinny" and "Rambo Pete" have been watching their opposite numbers in Scotland, and decided to emulate them. The trigger was perhaps the carefully-written statement from "Big Joe" Devine, the "Mr Big" of Motherwell, which said, "Watch yer step, Cameron, ur I'll be givin' ye a Glasgae kiss, Jimmy, d'ye ken?"

Don't cross Big Joe Devine.

It has also been speculated that the sudden vehemence shown by the London archbishops is partly due to a change of diet. Instead of their traditional London fare of jellied eels, or pie and mash, the two bishops have been seen partaking of a nourishing meal of haggis O'Brien with neeps Tartaglia, washed down with Glen Toal whisky.

Other Catholic Bishops are preparing to enter the debate.

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The results of the 2011 census are now being released. The percentage of Anglican clergy believing in God is reported to be 20% (down 10% from 2001). On the other hand, the percentage of atheists believing in Richard Dawkins is a mere 5% (no change there, then).

What's happened to all my worshippers?