Thought for the Dazed

By Giles Fraser

"We're DOOOOMED, I tell you," says Fraser.

Being a clever chap who reads books without pictures in them, I was given the works of St Augustine for my birthday last year.

It's astonishing how St Augustine was concerned about the same issues that worry us Guardian journalists who appear on the BBC and do a little praying in our spare time. For example, in his "City of God," he says:

To the divine providence it has seemed good to prepare in the world to come for the righteous good things, which the unrighteous shall not enjoy; and for the wicked evil things, by which the good shall not be tormented.

Nowadays we recognise that he was expressing serious concerns about climate change.

St Augustine - terrified by the thought of climate change.

Luckily, the horrifying effects of carbon emissions were averted in the 5th century, but we shall not be so lucky. We're DOOOOMED, I tell you. One of the books I have on my shelves - but haven't yet got round to reading properly - is called "The Holy Bible." At the end of it, in a section called "Revelation," there are many shocking predictions of the effects of climate change.

Like me, Augustine was a keen Socialist, and anticipated those great thinkers Marx, Engels, and Miliband. As I always say to my parishioners, I'm on the side of the Engels!

Another subject that Augustine anticipated was the modern Freudian theory of sex. When he wrote in his "Confessions," As a youth I prayed, "Give me chastity and continence, but not yet," he was setting out the basis of modern psychoanalysis, which is SEX.

Freud - his theories explain our basic need for lesbian and gay bishops.

Sex is a very exciting subject, and I love writing about it. The thought of a young woman priest in a tightly-fitting cassock... Phew, is it just me, or is it getting hot in here? Must be all that climate change that we hear about...

Bad Hynms 5

Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is Kum Ba Yah, or, as it is known in Yorkshire, Ee Ba Gum. This is a negro spiritual, which somehow escaped from the Dawkins slave plantations and ended up as a hymn in happy-clappy churches. We had some trouble tracking down the authors, since they quite understandably wanted to remain Anonymous, but in the end we succeeded.

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The authors of Kum ba yah

E: Welcome, Anonymous. Now, what exactly does "Kum ba yah" mean?

A: It means "Come by here," Eccles, and is a reference to Revelation 22:20, "Come, Lord Jesus."

E: I see, yes, it does sound a bit like "Come by here," spoken by a Yorkshireman with a mouthful of chip butties. Why not just write "Come by here?"

A: We wanted to make it more ethnic, you know. That way it doesn't sound so ridiculous when accompanied by guitars and drums.

E: I see we get exactly 30 repetitions of "Kum ba yah". What is it about the number 30? In the previous hymn we discussed, "Walk in the Light" is also repeated exactly 30 times.

A: Is it? Perhaps we'd better add another verse or two and claim the record?

E: Now, apart from "Kum ba yah," the words are very simple. We get "Someone’s laughing," "Someone’s crying," "Someone’s praying," and "Someone’s singing,"

A: Give us a day or two, and we could come up with some extra verses, then. "Someone's sneezing," "Someone's giggling," and "Someone's snoring?"

Someone's yawning, Lord, Kum ba yah.

E: Yes, that wouldn't make the hymn any worse. Who is this "Someone," anyway?

A: Do you know, we never really discovered that! When we were writing the hymn we were distracted by some noises from next door. Our secretary, not being very bright, thought that our complaints, "Someone's laughing," and so on, were part of the hymn we were dictating to her.

E: Well, thank you very much, Anonymous. I am sure that "Someone's laughing" indeed!

Someone's laughing, Lord, Kum ba yah.

Bosco got de rapture

Bosco was still in de hopsital recoverin from his wounds. Dey took all de plaster off, cos he said it made him look like a cemment iddle, but dey still had to leave lotsa banddages on. Dis is Bosco havvin a consulltation wiv de doctor.



We had a bit of a fihgt when de doctor tried to X-ray my bruvver, becos after all X-ray pitchers is gravven immages and we aint allowed to worshipp em. Still, de two nusses dat Bosco knokced out wiv his fists was probbably Cathlics, and anyway dis is de best place to be if you is gonna get knokced out.

I heard de doctors talkin to demselves, and dey said "Dis Bosco chap got a rapture. He gonna need a truss." Dis was grate news and I went over to tell my bruvver.
"You got de rapture, Bosco. Has you got a truss?"
"Yup, I put my truss in Jessus," said Bosco. "We'd better git ready for de rapture, Eccles."

I got up to look out of de window for Jessus, and turned back. Bosco had disapearred! He was taken up by de rapture! Well, we knew dat Bosco was very pius, he's always persecuttin Cathlics so its only fair dat he shuold be chosen first. Dis is a nun dat he punched in de eye when she was doin an evill Cathlic thing, collectin money for orhpans, I fink it was.



It aint ovbious what you is sposed to do when your big bruvver gits taken up to Heaven, so I fought I'd go out into de street and try and attract Jessus's attentoin, so dat I could be saved too. What was strange was dat down de corridor I cuold here Bosco's voice commin from Heaven, dis is supernatrual like when we heres de voice of de Lord in de Calumny Chappel sayin "DAT IDIOT BOSCO IS A REEL LOSER."

But what Bosco was sayin was "You Cathlics is all dammed, you gonna end up in de lake of fire cos you put a dime in de collection and it was spent on feedin de homeless poeple, you is all repsonsible for de crimes of your preists becuase you didnt know about dem, and sometimes dey didnt do any, how dumb can you be you aint got Jessus in your life and de rapture is here and you is left behind, I'm gonna make you sorry you was kissin de Pop's feet, take out your beads and bow down to de cement iddles like de Pop tells you to, you and your devillish church, dont give me any of dat 'do unto others' nonsense it aint in de book of Revellation, which is de only bit of de Bible dat we reads in de Calumny Chappel, although sometimes we has Winnie de Poo, and Alouse in Wonderland cos dey doesnt give us such bad headaches, dat Mad Hatter chap he's definitely been saved..."

Den I heard a luod CRASH and Bosco cryin "Take dat you luosy pevreted Cathlic priest thinkin you can come in here and give de last rites to Cathlics and send dem to Hell." I turned de corner and dis was de scene dat I came upon, wiv one of de doctors confronttin Bosco.



Woss goin on Bosco, is we raptured or aint we?

Scarlett and purple

Well, I is very worried dat Jessus is annoyed wiv my darlin bruvver Bosco, and dat he have gotta place reserved in de Lake of Fire (which means dat he aint as saved as he thuoght he was). Dis seems a bit unfair, as Bosco is de moddle of Christian virtue, and is always pollite and helpfull when he tries to save uvver people. He once got de Calumny Chappel award for takin de specks out of uvver people's eyes.

So Bosco he went to see Pastor La Sagne at de Calumny Chappel, and said "Jessus told me dat I was saved. Do you fink he's changed his mind? Is it cos we got some scarlett and purple flowers in de garden? In de book of Relevation it says dat means we is de horse of Babbleon."

Dese are de Sattanic flowers, we ripped em up and burnt dem to be on de safe side.



Anyways, we got more plaques infestin de house, as I prophesized. Bosco he says it is just de hot weather and de fact dat we never washes (cos we is already washed in de blud of de Labm). We got lice, den we got flies, and den all de catle dyin. Actaully, we aint got any catle, but I looked up de book of Exeters, and de text says "Behold, de hand of de LORD is upon de catle which is in de field, upon de horses, upon de asses, upon de cammels, upon the oxxen, and upon the sheep". So I fink dat de dead cat wot I found in de gardden mihgt be a sort of catle. But Grate-Anti Moly ate it raw and said it was dellicious, so maybe it only had a mild form of de plaque.

Bosco, I is very worried about scarlett and purple now, as I sees it everywhere. What about dis bird what was flyin over de house? Is it de horse of Babbleon?