The Boat of Fools visits a Catholic school

This week our Mystery Worshipper visited a Catholic School in the south of England, where the chaplain was conducting a multi-faith service.

Our mystery worshipper passed undetected as a pupil of St Ali's Catholic School.

What was the name of the service?
Special ecumenical service.

Did anyone welcome you personally?
Yes, the chaplain shook me warmly by the neck before telling me how much he hated me.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
Very chatty. Becky, the Year 5 representative of A Call To Outright Rebellion (ACTOR) explained how Vatican II had explicitly demanded that the Catholic church should henceforth get away from old-fashioned ideas such as God and Jesus, becoming more open to other faiths, such as the tree-worshipping community.

What were the exact opening words of the service?
Welcome to our special ecumenical service. Today we have present a variety of alternative faiths, including representatives of ACTOR, those who bow down to tree-spirits, and worshippers of the gods Thor, Dawkins, and Sun Myung Moon.

The sun shall not burn thee by day: nor the moon by night. Psalm 120:6

What books did the congregation use during the service?
Books sacred to the faiths of those present, including Tina Beattie's Why did the Virgin Mary never have children?, Richard Dawkins's The Reality of Magic, and Prince Charles's classic I talk to the trees.

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
More a sort of unhappy-clappy, as the worshippers were clearly very angry about something (the Catholic church, at a guess).

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
The chaplain explained that it was important to break with tradition. One example he gave (so good that he repeated it) was about sticking children up chimneys. I couldn't work out whether he was for or against that one.

If you want to be a chaplain like me, you need to be able to handle chimneys.

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
When the chaplain led us in a hymn to Thor:

When Thor had a hammer,
He'd hammer in the morning,
He'd hammer in the evening,
All over this land...

Rubbish words, but a great tune.

I hit my finger with the hammer and now I'm a little Thor.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
Well, most of it really.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
The chaplain told me to scram. He's known for his inter-personal skills.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
0. No, please, no!

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
Yes, but I felt terribly out of place.

These "Thor" services are fine, but I always take an umbrella in case of a storm.

Eccles is told off

De way of a saved pusson is hard, and I was told off today by a dame, wot didn't find my blogg spiritaully nuorishin.

Unapprecaitive dame.

Wot happened was dat I wrote a blost about de Boat of Fools visitin Croydon (where I has got a good freind wot is a deacon), and dis dame wot I never heard of was upset by it. Here is a controversail pitcher wot was in de story.

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

I has been asked three salient questoins by de dame, in fact she asked em twice:

Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Well we satirists always takes care never to exaggerate de facts, but inevitabbly errors may creep in. I was readin my Bibble today, and it's got a bit where Jesus says: Blind guides, who strain out a gnat, and swallow a camel. Well we know dat Jesus would never dream of exaggeratin, so it must be dat camel-swallowin was a serious probblem in 1st Century Palestine.

Warning: do not attempt to swallow this camel.

In fact, Jesus also says: And why seest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye; and seest not the beam that is in thy own eye? Well, it must have been true, and not a metaphor or an exaggeratoin.

Warning, wear goggles when handling this, lest it go in thine eye.

Of course my blogg is always helpful, and we sometimes has to be creul to be kind. It seems dat Jesus had de same problems when He said: You serpents, generation of vipers, how will you flee from the judgement of Hell?

A serpent wot needs to think about fleeing.

Well, I hope I has explained my position here: always truthful, kind and helpful. I met Michael Vortex recently, wot has a luvvly video about always being nice.I think that besides being a saved pusson I is gonna be a nice pusson from now on, and not make jokes at people's expense.

Michael, if you're reading this, I think you left something behind.

The Boat of Fools visits Blogfen

You stupid cat, you left the iPad at home.

This week our "Mystery Worshipper" attended the church of Blogfen, in which every parishioner is a distinguished blogger.

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What was the name of the service?Mass v. 1962.

Did anyone welcome you personally?Yes, when I arrived, they said: "We haven't seen you here before. What blog do you write? What's it about? I explained that I wrote the spiritually nourishing Eccles blog, and they let me enter.

Who conducted the service?Fr Tim Finigan, one of the famous "Finigan and Finnegan" team of priestly bloggers.

Fr Finigan discusses a question of hermeneutics with Fr Finnegan.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?People were piously consulting their iPads. Looking at my neighbour, I could see that she was drafting a post for her blog eccentric.visitors.blogfen.com, although she hid the screen when I tried to read it.

What books did the congregation use during the service?No books! They all had iPads, smartphones, or laptops. One more traditionalist worshipper insisted on using an older computer.

A traditionalist worshipper, refusing to use a post-Vatican II computer.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?Fr F. explained the Hermeneutic of Rupture, which meant that, although worship was best conducted in line with traditional methods, it was necessary to reject some old-fashioned technology (here he glared at the blogger pictured above, who was now feeding a paper tape into his IBM mainframe).

The women all wore traditional mantillas at Mass.

Did anything distract you? Yes, there were some children present. They were mostly blogging away piously throughout the service, but occasionally they hit each other with their iPads.

A young blogger learns about bytes.

How would you describe the after-service coffee?In fact, full details were being written up for coffee.blogfen.comeven as I drank it. We were served Musket Monk coffee, which had been sent as a present from a blogging priest in the USA whose name I didn't catch.

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Coming soon - we visit a totally different kind of service.

The Boat of Fools visits the Nave

Embarking upon atheism.

Our "Mystery Worshipper" was present in the Nave, Canonbury, for the inaugural Atheist Service organized by two obscure stand-up comedians (what else?), Sanderson Jones and Pippa Evans.

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What was the name of the service?The Mass Delusion.

How full was the building?Very full. Most of the people attending were journalists, anxious to see what it was all about. There were half-a-dozen "mystery worshippers," attired like me in masks, and a contingent from the Tablet, who seemed to be joining in the service with suspicious enthusiasm.

Did anyone welcome you personally?Well, not personally, but there was an old grumpy-looking man, who kept muttering "NON CREDO!" at all who entered.

NON CREDO!

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?Lots of idle chatter, and not much reverence. Excited muttering as celebrities entered: "Isn't that Giles Whatsit who does the Thought for the Day?" "There's Ma Popehater!" "A Rolls Royce is drawing up - Polly Toynbee must be gracing us with her presence!"

What were the exact opening words of the service?In the name of Dawkins: Biologist, Theologian and Selfish Gene. Amen.

What books etc. did the congregation use during the service?This was a bone of contention, as some wanted to use the Latin Atheist Liturgy of 1962, whereas others had the new English translation of 2011. In the end, the traddies read from the former, the modernists from the latter, and a third group just shouted out deep theological killer arguments such as "sky fairy," "men in dresses" and "bronze-age goatherds."

Did anything distract you?Yes, they had a guest performance from the Liverpool liturgical lapdancers, at the point in the service where we venerated the relics of Richard Dawkins (an old pair of his socks). However, I think atheism is too dignified a faith to be spoiled by a lot of under-dressed girls showing their... well, never mind.

What Liverpool Cathedral thought they would get when they asked for Lapp dancers.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?The vicar (Fr Sanderson Jones) lived up to his reputation as a stand-up comedian. First, he told us that a funny thing had happened to him on his way to the church... Then again, he asked us, how could one tell that an elephant had been in one's fridge? Finally, he explained that when the Pope was a kid, he used to pray every night for a new bike. But the Lord doesn't work that way. So he just stole one and asked Him to forgive him. And in a very real sense, are we not all looking for a new bicycle?

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?The bit where Stephen Fry tripped over his ego, and sprained his ankle. How we laughed.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?Other place? Oh, you mean Roehampton? The bit when Tina Beattie got up and gave us The Lecture The Pope Tried To Ban.

What happened at the end of the service? We all joined in a chorus of "Amazing Disgrace," with its classic line: "I once was found, but now I'm lost."

Grace in a maze (how sweet the sound) - not wanted here!

How would you describe the after-service coffee? Definitely not made by Mystic Monks or even Numinous Nuns. I wanted to have faith in the coffee, but they told me there were no grounds for it. The tea came from Scotland, and it was based on a complete Lockerbie leaf, ho ho.

No grounds for belief.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian? You bet.

The Boat of Fools visits Soho

The Boat of Fools.

In this, the first of a new series, our "Mystery Worshipper" makes an incognito visit to a church service and reports back.

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This week I visited the church of Our Lady of Soho, for one of its final masses under the Very Extraordinary Form.

What was the name of the service? Massykins.

Did anyone welcome you personally? Yes, in fact a little too personally, really. "Ooh, here's a handsome lad, we haven't seen you before. Ooh, I just love that mask, sweetie! Versace, is it?"

The mystery worshipper attempted to blend in discreetly.

Was your pew comfortable? Not really. The pews were covered with soft furnishings, and I was told, "Leave the coverings on, gorgeous, we don't want to scratch those super pews, do we?"

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?Very gay.

What were the exact opening words of the service?Hello, super to see you! [And super to see you, too!]

What books did the congregation use during the service?There was a specially printed pink sheet with all the words of the hymns and liturgy, together with advertisements for unusual objects and services, and details of the church's other activities.

Did anything distract you?Yes, the man in the pew behind, who kept nudging me and saying "Everything all right, duckie?"

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?There was a man named Vincent who cruelly betrayed the gay community simply in order to "gain Rome approval," as St Catherine the Popehater so eloquently expressed it. The woe and suffering of Soho was likened unto the torments of the damned in Hell. Vincent Nichols was a combination of Belshazzar, Judas Iscariot and St Paul - definitely "not one of us."

Vincent Nichols drives the gay community out of Soho.

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?Three men offered to take me out for some "pastoral care."

How would you describe the after-service coffee? No coffee, just crème de menthe, and some lovely fairy cakes.

From the service itself.

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Next week, the mystery worshipper reports from Blogfen, the church to which only bloggers are admitted.