Eccles is told off

De way of a saved pusson is hard, and I was told off today by a dame, wot didn't find my blogg spiritaully nuorishin.

Unapprecaitive dame.

Wot happened was dat I wrote a blost about de Boat of Fools visitin Croydon (where I has got a good freind wot is a deacon), and dis dame wot I never heard of was upset by it. Here is a controversail pitcher wot was in de story.

The defender of all faiths meets a representative of the arboreal community.

I has been asked three salient questoins by de dame, in fact she asked em twice:

Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?

Well we satirists always takes care never to exaggerate de facts, but inevitabbly errors may creep in. I was readin my Bibble today, and it's got a bit where Jesus says: Blind guides, who strain out a gnat, and swallow a camel. Well we know dat Jesus would never dream of exaggeratin, so it must be dat camel-swallowin was a serious probblem in 1st Century Palestine.

Warning: do not attempt to swallow this camel.

In fact, Jesus also says: And why seest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye; and seest not the beam that is in thy own eye? Well, it must have been true, and not a metaphor or an exaggeratoin.

Warning, wear goggles when handling this, lest it go in thine eye.

Of course my blogg is always helpful, and we sometimes has to be creul to be kind. It seems dat Jesus had de same problems when He said: You serpents, generation of vipers, how will you flee from the judgement of Hell?

A serpent wot needs to think about fleeing.

Well, I hope I has explained my position here: always truthful, kind and helpful. I met Michael Vortex recently, wot has a luvvly video about always being nice.I think that besides being a saved pusson I is gonna be a nice pusson from now on, and not make jokes at people's expense.

Michael, if you're reading this, I think you left something behind.

Adopt a Deacon!

Some of you will remember dat a few weeks ago I adopted a random cradinal - in fact de website assinged to me Cradinal Ouellet. De good man didn't make it to Pop, but he has been in de news recently, cos de Pop sent him to tell de English and Welsh bishops dat dey aint all saved, cos some of dem aint been standin up for truth and justice.

Why is it always you four that I read about on Eccles's blog?

Anyway, we gotta new scheme goin now, which is to adopt a deacon. After all, cradinals is generally pretty well off, both spiritaully and materially, whereas deacons is de lowest of de low, often wiv naggin wives and screemin kids, and perhaps a parish priest wot gets em to unblock de drains after Mass.

A liturgical plunger - essential equipment for a deacon.

Anyway, I singed up for de new "Adopt a Deacon" scheme, cos I know many very good deacons wot could benefit from a few prayers, gifts of old socks, and so forth. In fact dere is one wot lives in de beuatiful town of Barrow-in-Furness and runs a website called Protect de Pop. I was hopin to get him, so I buoght myself de ceremonial pjyamas of de Swiss Gaurd, so dat I cuold do a bit of pop-protectin myself.

My new pair of pjyamas.

Also I got a Swiss army knife, wot has got a special blade for stabbin atheists with.

Still, it was not to be, dey has assinged me a very miserable deacon in Croydon, wot spends his time moanin at uvver Cathlics. Dis is gonna be a big challenge for me but I is gonna bring a little sunshine into de man's life.

De place where I is gonna bring sunshine.

In fact dere has been even more recent developments, as I has been invited to become a deacon myself. I got dis very interestin e-mail from someone called Chuck Umunny in Nigeria, wot told me I could become a deacon by a correspondence course. All I gotta do is give him my bank detials, date of birth, and other pussonal detials such as de name of my favuorite actress (Tina Beattie). In fact de trainin won't take long, as it aint very hard to do deaconly fings, you just says de black and does de red, as a friend of mine puts it - and, of course, you puts de plunger in and woggles it a bit once de priest has blessed de drain.

I may also have to trade in my red beretta (to which, strictly speaking I is not entitled) for a deacon's hat. Dis is de one I has chosen.

Wot deacons gotta wear in church.

So, if de course goes as planned, I will soon be Deacon Eccles. I will keep you posted.

Ordain a Lady!

Dr Who scarf Stole and purple chasuble: that'll annoy the traddies!

We asked some distinguished commentators to give us their views on the hilarious video Ordain a Lady! produced by the Women's Ordination Conference.

For those who missed it, it contains the strongest arguments for the ordination of women, that we've heard so far, including the self-effacing:

Don't listen to St Paul,
'Cuz I can lead the way.

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Father Zorro, priest and hero.

The picture of the women dancing contains so many liturgical abuses that I won't bother to list them, but I should point out that the lady at the front is improperly dressed for Mass (apart from omitting the biretta and wearing a stole above her chasuble) since she is clearly not carrying any concealed weapons. Where did she put her swordstick, her automatic pistol, and her hand grenades?

At this time many priests in good standing (i.e., not liberal ones) will now be ordering fresh supplies of land mines, tanks and atomic bazookas for use in the rite according to the Extraordinary Form. Could you please order them from Amazon via my website? Thanks.

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Pope Mommy I.

My ministry is growing.
Excommunication? I'm still glowing.
M.Div, chasuble flowing,
Where you think the Church is going?

Damian Thompson, blood-crazed ferret.

We should respect the lady above because she has a real M.Div. rather than a silly doctorate like Éoin Clarke (Doctor of Irish Jokes) or Richard Chartres (who doesn't really have a doctorate at all). However, the inside sources to which I have exclusive access suggest that Archbishop Vincent Nichols is unlikely to ordain her in the near future.

Possibly the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith has had a hand in this. Look how the fortnightly Soho "Gay Masses" are to be driven underground and replaced by weekly Mayfair Gay Masses. If Vincent Nichols cracks down much further expect them to be driven underground completely, surviving only as daily Gay Masses at the Oratory.

Do let me know what you think. Unless you are on my little list of enemies, when my moderators will delete your comments in double-quick time!

Paul Priest, On the side of the angels.

Look, we all know what Chesterton, Newman, Dostoyevsky, Pope Pius XI and Mae West had to say about the hermeneutics underlying this video. However, there's no need for me to quote their words, as nobody else round here would understand them except me. It's important not to place two antagonistic hypotheticals together into one paradigm. Remember that if it were not for Damian Thompson, the Catholic church would have collapsed, for it was Damian who single-handedly prevented Cormac Murphy-O'Connor from ordaining his own aunt.

---

Through my most grievous fault...

My call is a fact, but some Pope in a hat,
Closed discussion on that, and now he's in my way.

Deacon Moanin, the most miserable man on the Internet (in biretta).

I wear a hat, and I am in the same job as the Pope, so I know you're getting at me again, Eccles, just because I am an orthodox Catholic, and not a tradinista like you.

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Giles Fraser, comedy vicar.

I am quite prepared to go to prison on the issue of women priests. Or anything else. It will do wonders for my credibility with Guardian-readers. Please send me to prison. All I ask is a humble cell with internet access and a BBC broadcast team. In my next Guardian column I ask: Is it OK for women to pretend they are men in order to become bishops?

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And finally...

A young Catherine Pepinster (R) explains St Thérèse of Lisieux's hatred for the Pope.

Great religious bores of today

You know how it is when you get on the bus and someone comes and sits down next to you, even though there are lots of empty seats...

I'm an atheist you know, I don't believe in any of that "sky-fairy" nonsense, I've been reading a brilliant book by that man Dawkins he's an Oxford professor, he was a very famous biologist you see, discovered genes, or DNA, or memes, or something, so he knows what he's talking about.

Genes, or DNA, or memes, or something.

Anyway he's now become an expert on theology, and he points out just how vile Catholicism is, they brainwash the kids you know. See those children over there, going to St Mary's School? You can see that they're mentally scarred by the prospect of ending up in Hell. Oh well, maybe it's because they've got a French test today, anyway, they're not looking very happy, are they? Dawkins says that's worse than child abuse and he's right. He's written lots of books with long words in them, you must have heard of him he's married to that woman on Dr Who...

That woman on Dr Who.

He got up, and another man sat down next to me...

Hello, I'm a deacon you know, you can tell that because I'm wearing a biretta, I'm just as good as a priest really but you'd be surprised just how many priests look down on us and give us all the dirty jobs to do. I do baptisms you know, they're safe in my hands, you don't see many of my baptisms going wrong.

A baptism gone wrong.

The same goes with funerals, they often give me funerals to do because I never smile, but I read a big book about how to do funerals, and the main thing to remember is to stand well back so that you don't fall in the grave, it upsets the bereaved if the deacon falls in the grave. Note that I am wearing a biretta on my head. My wife ironed it, in fact she irons my head flat every morning so that the biretta will fit on top. I've also got a dalmatic, but I don't wear it on the bus, it's white with black spots, because my wife saw a film "The 101 Dalmatics" and this gave her the idea.

The 101 Dalmatics.

I can do exorcisms as well, even though deacons aren't supposed to. I woke up last night and saw the ghastly demon Ek-al-Byar leering at me, and saying "You're not a proper priest," but I said "Begone!" and turned the light on. It had turned into an old coat hanging on the wardrobe door. You see what powers I have...

Finally, another man wanted to share his grievances with me...

You're interested in religion, are you? Did you know that Pope Paul VI was replaced by a replica in 1967? Look at these photos, it proves it.

  

The real Paul VI (L) and the impostor (R).

Note how the impostor has his ring on the wrong hand. They exploited the confusion caused by Vatican II to smuggle a demon onto the throne of St Peter, so it's been Sede Vacante for the last 45 years. Look at the way Pope John-Paul II behaved - first he murdered John-Paul I, and then he bought himself a bent crucifix. It's clearly evidence that he was a demon.

Shocking behaviour by a Pope.

What's more the Mormons posthumously baptised John-Paul II, so that proves he wasn't a true Catholic. And the present Pope is the same. But I have been reading the prophecies of the end of time, and I can tell you there will be only one more Pope after the present one - probably an Englishman called Vincent - after which there will be Armageddon, and then we'll see the present Catholic church destroyed like it says in the book of Revelation.

The rightful Pope, Pius XIII.

Oh, is this your stop? Well, it's been nice hearing your views...

Catholic Dilemmas

Is it wrong to use an iPad in church? When I took it out to catch up on the cricket score during the sermon, someone behind me tutted loudly.

He striketh them as wicked men in the open sight of others. Job 34:26.

Nowadays it is considered permissible to use an iPad to read the scriptures or the liturgy, provided that you don't annoy your neighbours with bright lights, etc. (Try not to use a Tablet, as it isn't considered to be very Catholic.) We understand that the sermon you missed was a fascinating meditation on the sixteen sacred documents of Vatican II, together with a recently-discovered 17th document Decree concerning the sacred pastoral dogmatic constitution on the apostolate of the renewal of priestly mission through the divine ministry of the ecumenical activity of social communication with the laity. It beats anything you'll find in the Bible, you must agree.

The Good David Shepherd.

That aside, lifting one leg up into the air when the score reaches 111 (Nelson) is a mere cricketers' superstition, and you should have known better than to do it when the priest said "Lift up your hearts."

I asked Father Christmas for an iPad, but instead he brought me three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. Are any of these permissible accessories in church?

The iPart in a pear tree.

Well, not really, although they might supplement the choir, which is having some trouble with that latest Paul Inwood chant, "Alleluia, cluck, cluck!" However, we do try to discourage worshippers from bringing their presents along to Mass. Our own deacon managed to disgrace himself this week, taking out his new electric razor for a quick shave during a moment when we were supposed to be praying silently. "Jeshush shaves," he said, and then fell over. I think he's been overworking.

The tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully.Psalm 52:2.

When the priest said "Let us offer each other the sign of peace," my neighbour pinched me on the bottom. Is this what they mean by "some other appropriate gesture?"

Well, it's very much the done thing in Italy and Spain, and indeed, you might be offended if they didn't offer you such a courtesy. However, the further north you go, the less acceptable such gestures become. In Brighton, they kiss each other and go "Mwah! Darling!" In Croydon, they rub noses.

The Brontë sisters - too far north for inappropriate gestures.

But by the time you get to northern wastelands such as Lancashire and Yorkshire, folding the arms and saying "Aye, lass!" is considered to be the limit to which intimacy can go.