Deuteronomy

After a hard week attacking rebel Catholics, bad hymns and Dan Brown, what could be nicer than to curl up on the sofa with the book of Deuteronomy? This is part 5 in the Eccles Bible project, where we lead an atheist called Richard to salvation. We are looking at the last book of the Torah/Pentateuch: the word Deuteronomy actually means Second Law, which suggests that someone has miscounted. But never mind.

Deuterium. Not to be confused with Deuteronomy.

Right, let's dive in. We've got 34 action-packed chapters ahead of us. We start off, however, with three chapters of general smiting, and for some reason things go particularly hard for tall people. For example, Moses and his team kill Og of Bashan, the man with a true king-sized bed, 9 cubits by 4 cubits, which is made of iron.

Og of Bashan's iron bed (or perhaps a smaller version of it).

Moses then preaches a few sermons to the Israelites. They are unlike the modern sermon from a church leader, which goes something like this:

"As I was wandering in the desert this morning looking for any men from Heshbon that we might have forgotten to smite, I saw a vulture perching on a rock. 'Squawk, squawk!' he said to me, and I burst into tears, for it reminded me that we are not allowed to eat vultures. In the words of the poet: In for a penny, in for a pound – It’s Love that makes the world go round! Nowadays, we are faced by many real challenges, such as climate change, the need for more wind turbines in the desert, the demand for gluten-free manna and ethically-sourced quails, and of course an end to smiting people on the grounds of race, colour, religion, sexual orientation, or favourite football team. But God loves us all. There will be coffee on Mount Sion after the service."

Do not smite this man just because of his footballing beliefs.

No, Moses gets straight to the point and reminds people of the ten commandments; also he explains that they are going to attack all the followers of false gods, and smite them. This is not exactly what you might call "muscular Christianity": they weren't Christians at that stage, and anyway muscular Christians don't really smite people.

Take that, Dawkins minor!

Well, regrettably this is one of the more bloodthirsty bits of the Bible, but in those times it was quite common for people to fight wars against their neighbours. Thank goodness that's all stopped, eh?

Well, I'm fast-forwarding through the next few chapters, which are mostly repeats of earlier teaching (although the text Ye are the children of the Lord your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead, from Chapter 14, verse 1, would repay further study, especially by anyone who feels temped to make some baldness between their eyes.

They're heading for a land flowing with milk and honey.

By the time we get to the end of the book, Moses is now very old; he hands over the reins to Joshua, gives some blessings, takes a look at the promised land, and dies.

If you have been paying attention, Richard, you will notice that the Bible so far mixes legends (with some underlying historical basis), solid history, and the Mosaic law. Next time, we'll look at Joshua's career.

Mosaic law - lots of pieces that fit together.

Papal visit 2018

Calculations made with the aid of the book of Jeremiah, the predictions of Nostradamus, and the Mayan calendar indicate that Pope Francis will make an official visit to the UK in 2018. We have an exclusive preview of the programme.

Pope Francis kisses the feet of a sinner (probably Richard Dawkins).

The visit will include a ceremony of beatification of Monsignor Basil Loftus: if the old fellow is still alive in 2018, then another prominent British cleric will be chosen, perhaps Cardinal Godfrey (who died in 1963 shortly after attending the first session of Vatican II and hearing what Loftus had in mind).

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Loftus?

One of the highlights of the papal visit will be a "gay mass" in Westminster Cathedral, celebrated by Archbishop Vincent Nichols with additional contributions from Terry Weldon. Pope Francis will be heavily sedated to stop him from walking out.

There will also be a special lecture from Professor Dame Tina Beattie, Regius Professor of Heretical Studies at the University of Cambridge. The lecture will be called Lumen Gentium part 94 - a modern look at some of Christ's worst mistakes. The lecture will end with Dame Tina attacking the Pope with a mop, symbolizing a necessary clean-up in the Catholic Church.

Can you lend me a mop?

The more orthodox wing of the church will not be forgotten. Bishops Finigan and Finnegan, part of a wave of more traditionally-minded prelates created as a direct result of the intercession of Antonio Mennini, will celebrate a Latin Mass in honour of the Holy Father, whether he wants one or not. Afterwards, there will be a special showing of Michael Voris's video Bore-tex, and the Pope will be served with a cup of "Mystic Monk" coffee.

Saved people drink "Mystic Monk" coffee.

The final event of the Papal visit was supposed to be the presentation of a red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols, although the predictions of Jeremiah suggest that perhaps ++Vin will have coals of fire heaped on his head, instead. Still, all details are, at this stage, provisional.

Bishop Conry protects himself from being hit by a thunderbolt.

Liturgical abuses

QUAERITUR: Our parish priest frequently turns up late for Mass, because he has to finish watching his favourite television programme beforehand. In order to start the service on time he has programmed a rather gloomy robot to say the words for him until he arrives. Is there any problem with this?

"Ego miser et indignus peccator (I think you ought to know I'm a very depressed sinner)."

Father X writes: No, I can't see any problem with that, provided that the real priest takes over before the Gospel is read out.

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QUAERITUR: Although our parish priest turns up on time, he is a rather timid chap with a very dominating mother and two sisters, who insist on correcting him all the time. Last Sunday, he began to say "Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault" and they interrupted him with "Actually, I blame the bishop." Worse, they dress up in the most hideous vestments, evidently wishing that they themselves were priests. What can we do?

Now John always gets the words of the creed wrong, so we'll do it our way.

Father X writes: Never argue with a woman!

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QUAERITUR: Our parish priest is very fond of pizza. Last week he became a little confused, and, evidently thinking he had a supply of bread and wine, he started consecrating a pepperoni pizza and a bottle of diet coke. Were we right to stop him?

At least the priest is wearing a biretta!

Father X writes: It is never right to interrupt a priest, even one who seems to be barking mad.

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QUAERITUR: Our parish priest writes a blog on which he keeps advertising coffee. I drank some of it, and felt very ill afterwards. If I can't trust him to recommend good coffee, how can I trust his interpretations of the Gospels?

Liturgically invalid coffee.

Father X writes: Disgraceful! This is definitely a liturgical abuse. Drink "Mysterious Monk" coffee, guaranteed to kill 99% of all known germs.

Eccles outs himself

Well, it had to come. I couldn't keep my identity secret much longer: one or two people had already begun to guess who "Eccles" was. It's time to confess.

Yes, Eccles is Fr John Zuhlsdorf, priest, blogger, and licensed to kill.

When you think about it, it is obvious that Eccles could be nobody else. Why does Eccles never post comments on Fr Z's blog? Why does Fr Z never mention Eccles? Of course... it's simply modesty.

Look at Fr Z's blog today. You see a brilliant post, asserting that SSPX is setting up an ordinariate for disaffected traddy Catholics. Doesn't the style look familiar?

What the well-dressed priest is packing.

Admittedly, some people thought that "Eccles" was really Damian Thompson, Tina Beattie, Giles Fraser or Richard Dawkins - why else would he give publicity to such obscure individuals? But no, these were merely comic characters introduced to make the blog more spiritually nourishing.

Well, the game is up now, so, apart from reminding you always to Say the Red and Do the Black, and to stock up on Mysterious Monk Coffee, I say goodbye for now.

The ideal gift for a liberal Catholic.

The Boat of Fools visits Blogfen

You stupid cat, you left the iPad at home.

This week our "Mystery Worshipper" attended the church of Blogfen, in which every parishioner is a distinguished blogger.

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What was the name of the service?Mass v. 1962.

Did anyone welcome you personally?Yes, when I arrived, they said: "We haven't seen you here before. What blog do you write? What's it about? I explained that I wrote the spiritually nourishing Eccles blog, and they let me enter.

Who conducted the service?Fr Tim Finigan, one of the famous "Finigan and Finnegan" team of priestly bloggers.

Fr Finigan discusses a question of hermeneutics with Fr Finnegan.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?People were piously consulting their iPads. Looking at my neighbour, I could see that she was drafting a post for her blog eccentric.visitors.blogfen.com, although she hid the screen when I tried to read it.

What books did the congregation use during the service?No books! They all had iPads, smartphones, or laptops. One more traditionalist worshipper insisted on using an older computer.

A traditionalist worshipper, refusing to use a post-Vatican II computer.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?Fr F. explained the Hermeneutic of Rupture, which meant that, although worship was best conducted in line with traditional methods, it was necessary to reject some old-fashioned technology (here he glared at the blogger pictured above, who was now feeding a paper tape into his IBM mainframe).

The women all wore traditional mantillas at Mass.

Did anything distract you? Yes, there were some children present. They were mostly blogging away piously throughout the service, but occasionally they hit each other with their iPads.

A young blogger learns about bytes.

How would you describe the after-service coffee?In fact, full details were being written up for coffee.blogfen.comeven as I drank it. We were served Musket Monk coffee, which had been sent as a present from a blogging priest in the USA whose name I didn't catch.

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Coming soon - we visit a totally different kind of service.

The Boat of Fools visits the Nave

Embarking upon atheism.

Our "Mystery Worshipper" was present in the Nave, Canonbury, for the inaugural Atheist Service organized by two obscure stand-up comedians (what else?), Sanderson Jones and Pippa Evans.

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What was the name of the service?The Mass Delusion.

How full was the building?Very full. Most of the people attending were journalists, anxious to see what it was all about. There were half-a-dozen "mystery worshippers," attired like me in masks, and a contingent from the Tablet, who seemed to be joining in the service with suspicious enthusiasm.

Did anyone welcome you personally?Well, not personally, but there was an old grumpy-looking man, who kept muttering "NON CREDO!" at all who entered.

NON CREDO!

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?Lots of idle chatter, and not much reverence. Excited muttering as celebrities entered: "Isn't that Giles Whatsit who does the Thought for the Day?" "There's Ma Popehater!" "A Rolls Royce is drawing up - Polly Toynbee must be gracing us with her presence!"

What were the exact opening words of the service?In the name of Dawkins: Biologist, Theologian and Selfish Gene. Amen.

What books etc. did the congregation use during the service?This was a bone of contention, as some wanted to use the Latin Atheist Liturgy of 1962, whereas others had the new English translation of 2011. In the end, the traddies read from the former, the modernists from the latter, and a third group just shouted out deep theological killer arguments such as "sky fairy," "men in dresses" and "bronze-age goatherds."

Did anything distract you?Yes, they had a guest performance from the Liverpool liturgical lapdancers, at the point in the service where we venerated the relics of Richard Dawkins (an old pair of his socks). However, I think atheism is too dignified a faith to be spoiled by a lot of under-dressed girls showing their... well, never mind.

What Liverpool Cathedral thought they would get when they asked for Lapp dancers.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?The vicar (Fr Sanderson Jones) lived up to his reputation as a stand-up comedian. First, he told us that a funny thing had happened to him on his way to the church... Then again, he asked us, how could one tell that an elephant had been in one's fridge? Finally, he explained that when the Pope was a kid, he used to pray every night for a new bike. But the Lord doesn't work that way. So he just stole one and asked Him to forgive him. And in a very real sense, are we not all looking for a new bicycle?

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?The bit where Stephen Fry tripped over his ego, and sprained his ankle. How we laughed.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?Other place? Oh, you mean Roehampton? The bit when Tina Beattie got up and gave us The Lecture The Pope Tried To Ban.

What happened at the end of the service? We all joined in a chorus of "Amazing Disgrace," with its classic line: "I once was found, but now I'm lost."

Grace in a maze (how sweet the sound) - not wanted here!

How would you describe the after-service coffee? Definitely not made by Mystic Monks or even Numinous Nuns. I wanted to have faith in the coffee, but they told me there were no grounds for it. The tea came from Scotland, and it was based on a complete Lockerbie leaf, ho ho.

No grounds for belief.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian? You bet.

Bad Hynms 12

The Eccles Bad Hymn Award judges are pleased to welcome Sue McClellan, to tell us about her highly irritating hymn Colours of day dawn into the mind.

A grey day for Monet.

SM: It's lovely to be here, Eccles. Pity it's such a dull day, eh? What a dreadful fog!

E: Good to see you, Sue, which I probably couldn't do if we were outside. Is this the sort of colour of day you had in mind?

SM: Something sunnier would be better, Eccles.

SM: Yes I see: The sun has come up, the night is behind. I expect you ask priests to get a reliable weather forecast before scheduling this hymn in their services?

Singing in the rain, an alternative hymn for bad weather.

SM: It's metaphorical, Eccles. Think of God, rather than the sun itself.

E: I'm still wondering how colours can dawn into the mind, but let's move on. Go down in the city, into the street, And let's give the message to the people we meet.

SM: Ah yes, that was unfortunate. The church tends to empty at that point, as some people take it too literally.

E: Perhaps the hymn should say: After the service, go into the street...?

SM: Good thinking, Eccles. I'll consider that for when I revise the hymn. Unless of course people want to stay for coffee? After your coffee, go into the street...?

Just a quick coffee, then we'll go into the street.

SM: Now, do you like the chorus? So light up the fire and let the flame burn. Open the door, let Jesus return. Take seeds of his Spirit, let the fruit grow.

E: I suppose we could cook the fruit on the flame. Or Jesus could come in and warm Himself by the fire.

SM: I got an award for my mixed metaphors, you know.

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Let the flame burn.

E: Go through the park, on into the town. Did you write these words yourself, or was it your SatNav?

SM: Ah, I have had some complaints here, Eccles. People kept telling me that the way into town didn't go through any parks.

Go through the park, on into the town. Then ask again.

E: I'm not sure that there's much to say about the rest of the hymn. It seems to be all about the sun and light, but you do stretch the metaphor almost to breaking.

SM: Oh, but Eccles, dear, there was even an extra verse that I deleted:

The sun's got his hat on, isn't that great?
The Spirit is with us till half past eight.
The sun disappears in late afternoon,
But God made the cow jump over the moon.

E and SM (together): So light up the fire and let the flame burn...

A little-known work of the Spirit.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.

Catholic must-reads

"NO POPERY" - the Tablet's motto. But what was it originally?

Fr Tim Finigan explores the history of the Tablet, once a Catholic newspaper of repute but now a home for those rejecting orthodox Catholicism. He explains that originally it was produced on stone tablets - hence the name - as a journal of record. Its motto was "NO PAPYRI." However, when it became a serious competitor in the Andrex market, its customers complained of severe discomfort, and so it was printed on paper instead. Curiously, many people still find that the Tablet is a pain in the backside.

The new-look cover of the Tablet

This week's Tablet - an Atheist "must-read" - contains theological and philosophical articles from Yootha Nazier, Abe Ortion and Eugene Ix, explaining how the Catholic church needs to change in order to survive. Also there's a prize competition - simply complete the following sentence in not more than 10 words, and win a night out with the Obamas.

I THINK THE POPE IS WRONG BECAUSE ...

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Archbishop Tartaglia

Over in the Telegraph, Damian Thompson, a former editor of the Catholic Herald, shows that he has not lost his touch as a serious Catholic commentator, when he reveals exclusively that Archbishop Tartaglia of Glasgow is overweight.

Damian is no stranger to religious controversy; for example, he was the first to break the news that Bishop Roche had put on weight. A mere three years later Arthur Roche was forced to flee Leeds and take sanctuary in Rome.

A future archbishop brushes up his Latin.

Meanwhile leading Catholics are hastily dieting and making sure their hairstyles are totally sensible, as they quake in fear, wondering where the "blood-crazed ferret" will bite next.

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Meddling Monk - coffee fit for a Catholic

Finally, on Father Yuletide's blog, the great Fr Y explains that St Arbuck, normally regarded as the patron saint of coffee, was a distinctly dodgy character. He encourages us to buy "Meddling Monk" coffee instead.

St Bean (drinking wine not coffee). Founder of Meddling Monk coffee.

Meddling Monk coffee is made by traditional methods, and is guaranteed not to damage your soul.

The Divine Comedy: Inferno

So the poet Virgil came to Eccles, who is a saved person, and said "Perhaps you'd like to take a look at Hell, Purgatory and Heaven, to see how they've been getting on since I gave Dante a conducted tour? You could write about them on your lovely blog."

Abandon Hope, all ye who enter here

So they travelled to the gates of Hell itself, and began their descent into the abyss from which no man returns.

"This could be interesting," said Eccles. "Will we see Hitler, Stalin, Bin Laden, and people like that?"

"We do have them down here of course," said Virgil, "but frankly you don't want to see the dreadful torments they suffer. When you see someone who is forced to read the Guardian all day long, you even start to feel a nagging sympathy for them."

Ted Heath

They came to a darkened room in which a big fat man was groaning pitifully as he declaimed in a booming voice: "Ohhh... notwithstanding directive LU/267/JRQ/1637, paragraph 208, on the regulations for the design of teaspoons permitted in coffee shops not exceeding 250 square metres in area, it will be necessary for the managers of such shops to buy carbon credits to the value of EUR 50 for each customer who wishes to blow on his coffee to cool it, on pain of having their toenails pulled out by a registered inspector..."

"This is one of his lucky days," said Virgil. "He's just got to read out pointless EU directives. On a bad day they get him to read out all his old speeches."

"I see you try to make the punishment fit the crime," remarked Eccles. "Do you have any interesting atheists?"

Christopher Hitchens

They came to a room in which a rather stout man was writing a book. Eccles looked at the chapter heading, which said How Mother Teresa murdered a nanny and framed Lord Lucan for it, on the instructions of Pope Paul VI. In the corner of the room was a fire, and Virgil explained that Hitchens's punishment (apart from being eternally deprived of alcohol and cigarettes) was to write books which, when completed, were thrown directly into the flames. "This happened when he was alive too, usually, but now we can cut out all the trouble of getting a customer to buy them first," explained Virgil.

"I was right, I was right, there is no God, and he hates me!" screamed Hitchens, and resumed his writing.

"How about Catholics?" asked Eccles. "Do you have any down here?"

"Lots," said Virgil. "Since the 1960s, there's been no shortage of Catholics wanting to sign up to a liberal agenda. Abortion, euthanasia, divorce, homosexual practices... so much simpler than traditional morality, it seems."

Will nobody come for a drive with me?

A fat dissolute man came past, driving a taxi. "Taxi, guv?" he asked. "A little drive to the island?"

"Heard the legend of the Flying Dutchman?" asked Virgil. "Condemned for ever to sail the seas? It's been updated - Ted here is condemned for ever to drive his taxi, unable to pick up passengers."

"He was a Catholic, wasn't he?" asked Eccles.

"When there were votes in it," replied Virgil. "But mostly he was just a fat drunken slob."

"So, where next?" asked Eccles.

"Well, you've seen some dead souls currently in torment. Next, I shall show you a vision of the future. We'll see some of the living people whom we're expecting down here in the next few years..."

Let's go and do something really evil.

Anti Moly in a care home

Well, Damain Thopmson has alreddy hinted as much on his blogg, but we has had to have Anti Moly taken into care. As you may have heard, althuogh he keeps very quiet about it, Damain has got a new book out, called "De Fix," which is all abuot poeple gettin addicted to strange fings (like cupcakes, cannapeas and de paino playin of Mrs Mills). I helped him a lot wiv writin bits of it, but he didn't give me a complementary copy, so I ordered one from Amazzon.

De probblem started when de postman came to Castle Thopmson to delivver my copy of de book, and Anti Moly jumped out and bit him in de leg. She saw de uniform and mistook him for a Cathlic preist, she reely needs to stop drinkin dat hair-restorrer, it causes dellusoins. In fact we has had a lot of trubble wiv her lately, as Damain went to Mass and she insisted on comin along, just so dat she cuold sit in the front row goin "Woeful. ROFL. I aint a belleiver," and trying to interrupt poeple worshippin.

So for Anti Moly's own good we has had her put in a care home, where dey doesnt let you drink hair-restorrer, and tries to keep you calm. She is still allowed to use a lapptop, so dont worry, you wont miss out on her inimicable commentin on bloggs.

Now, as Damain was sayin on his blogg, we got George Cloony to come and visit as part of his charitabble work. Anti Moly was reely looking forward to this, as she says she watched one of his early flims, Return of the Killer Tomatoes! seven times. It's all about a tomato transsformation chamber by which dey can turn ordinary tomatoes into humans, and Anti Moly says dat dis was de theme of one Richard Dakwins's powerful books disprovin de existence of God. She also says dat me, Eccles, is de evidence dat such transformatoins can take place, dat's not nice, Anti.

Dat Cloony (wot is addicted to bad coffee, but dats annuver story) spent ten minutes talking to Anti Moly, and den got up and said, "On second fuoghts, I is gonna do somefink else for charrity. Give me a third-world pigsty to clean out instead. With my bare hands if necessary. Just get me out of here!"

Damain is incensed by dis, and has written a hard-hitting articcle about it, but I fink dat Mr Cloony may have a point, after all. We saved poeple is used to analysin deep moral questoins like dis one.