Exodus

So we reach Chapter 2 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who hasn't yet got the hang of it. We started with Genesis, remember.

Our story resumes in Egypt.

In fact I have already been condemned for heresy for not explaining carefully enough about scriptures being divinely inspired, etc., but let's continue to dumb down slightly and get to the story, which is a cracking good read.

Now, we're going to see a lot of miracles in this chapter: burning bushes, plagues, and the parting of the Red Sea, for starters. You atheists are naturally a little unhappy with this: we don't know what the laws of physics actually are, but whatever they are, we mustn't break them. It's a bit like most modern legislation in fact - is it legal to upset a police dog by saying "Miaouw" to it? But I digress...

An upset police dog.

Still, if God exists then He can certainly break the laws of physics. But if He doesn't, then He can't. We'll see more of this later.

Now if you've been paying attention, you'll realise that the Israelites are very important in the Bible, and the first part of Exodus is all about how Moses helps them escape from the dangers of life in Egypt, and head off towards the promised land.

Moses (R) observes the dangers of life in Egypt.

Their way out of Egypt is blocked by water; Moses parts the Red Sea and the Israelites escape. Now, Richard, before you say "Pshaw! An invisible god that we don't understand causing the sea to move. How can that be?" (you were going to say that, weren't you?) let me point out that the tides you take for granted already cause the sea to move by an invisible force - gravity - that we don't understand, even if we have some equations to describe its action.

If I told you that the moon was somehow involved, would you believe me?

Now, Moses is going to have some interesting times in the desert. There's this business of the Ten Commandments, for starters (these will also turn up in Deuteronomy, with a slightly different wording). I'm sure you'd agree with some of them - if you get a reputation for killing, telling lies and stealing they're not going to invite you to prestigious international conferences, are they, Richard? Although if your killing is restricted to young babies, then President Obama will bless you, if that's what you'd like.

Bowing down to worship idols (even rabbits) is also a no-no.

Anyway, God sets up a covenant with Moses and the Israelites. Arguably, this is the third covenant we've seen so far, as there were previous (less detailed) deals cut with Noah and Abraham. However, this is the most significant, and says that if the Israelites behave themselves, then they will be God's special people. Until Jesus comes along to upset the apple-cart, this is what people will be mostly working with.

The rest of Exodus is mainly concerned with constructing a tabernacle, regarded as a place where God can dwell. You're going to have trouble with this, Richard, as obviously if God exists then He is close to us everywhere, but it's useful to have a particular holy place to focus on.

Moses, you will also need a hammer, a Phillips screwdriver, and a lot of faith.

So we're rapidly approaching the end of Book 2 of the Bible, and I think I've picked out some of the more important bits for you. What comes next is Leviticus, in which there's a lot less action, and a lot more in the way of rules and regulations, but let's finish with another action photo from the earlier part of Exodus.

An Egyptian conference on Anura zoology.

The Westminster Heresy Lectures

Arranged by Vincent Nichols in conjunction with the Tablet.

To mark Lent, the Archdiocese of Westminster has organized a strong programme of public lectures exploring heresy in all its aspects. Here are some of the forthcoming attractions.

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Tina Beattie shirts are now on sale.

To kick off, Professor Tina Beattie will be explaining the heresies of modernism. We look forward to hearing her views on the doctrine on same-sex marriage, as explained in that beautiful passage from Matthew 19 in the Roehampton Bible.

Have ye not read, that He who made man from the beginning, made them male and male, and female and female, and sometimes a bit of both? For this cause shall a man leave father and father's boyfriend, and shall cleave to another man, and they two shall be in one flesh.

One of the sacred texts we shall study in Lent.

As an encore she will read from her wonderful book God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, where the Mass is likened to an orgasmic celebration of homosexual love.

Says Tina: "One of my favourite ploys is to announce that I am giving a lecture about the Blessed Virgin Mary. After that, I can say what I like!" A Tablet spokesman said, "If Mary is God's Mother, then surely Tina is God's slightly eccentric Auntie!"

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Alain de Bottom (L, with ass's head).

Also coming to Westminster is celebrity intellectual Alain de Bottom, "The man with the ass's head," who will be providing spiritual nourishment from his new book Religion for Atheists. In particular he will be talking about his Ten Commandments for Atheists.

Says Alain: "If I had to design a list of 10 virtues that could apply today, I might go for the following:

Smugness, Banality, Self-centredness, Pretentiousness, Emeticality, Pseudo-intellectualism, Moral blindness, Fluffy niceness, Apparent omniscience, and Pomposity."

Marcel Proust, author of Comment Alain de Botton peut changer votre vie.

However, Damian Thompson, a well-known expert on custard who occasionally dabbles in Catholic journalism, expressed a dissenting viewpoint: "Frankly, I can't take Alain seriously, as he is going very bald."

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Chris Bryant MP (with offensive parts redacted).

Fresh from the same-sex "marriage" debate in the House of Commons, we have Chris Bryant MP, star of a "gay-dating" website, who will speak on What is truth?

Says Chris, "I want to get away from old-fashioned notions of truth and falsehood. As I said to Edward Leigh in the House of Commons, the assurances that I made a few years ago no longer apply because I believe that the world has moved on."

Father, don't blame me: that cherry tree came down because the world has moved on.

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Says Vincent Nichols, "I am hoping that by inviting so many experts to challenge Catholic doctrine I shall become more well-known in Rome, and - who knows? - I may finally get that elusive red hat."

The god Patecatl

Since this is a leading religious blog, read by many people who are crying out for spiritual nourishment, we could not ignore the theological implications of the recent discovery of the god Patecatl.

The god Patecatl

This chap, who looks as though he were made of Lego, is part of Aztec mythology, a god of healing and fertility, and discoverer of peyoteas (all facts copied and pasted from Wikipedia verified by the department of Mexican studies at the University of Notting Hill).

Peyote is a cactus also known as cactus pudding, devil's-root, divine cactus, dry-whiskey, dumpling cactus, Indian-dope, mescal-buttons, turnip cactus, and white-mule. In the expert view of Dr Damian Thompson it is connected with addiction (but then so are ordinary dumplings, buttons and turnips).

An ordinary turnip: do not attempt to sniff this

So, you are asking, how did they discover the god Patecatl? Well, boffins in Switzerland were in fact looking for the Higgs boson, predicted in 1964 to explain the Brout-Englert-Higgs-Hagen-Guralnik-Kibble mechanism and... shall we skip this bit, which I'm sure you know already, and go back to the theology?

The latest news is that the god Patecatl has been sighted in Switzerland - in fact he seems to be spending much of his time going round and round in a Large Hadron Collider, swearing furiously every time he gets hit by a Proton.

Colliding with a Proton

Serious objections have expressed by religious leaders, mainly based on the Ten commandments, and specifically, "Thou shalt not have strange gods before Me." Thus, Professor Higgs is under pressure to explain why he has deliberately attempted to revive a long-discredited "strange god."

Well, I think that's all we have to say on the matter. If anyone tries to sell you a Higgs Boson, just say NO.

Unsaved people welcoming the news of the god Patecatl

Bosco plans a roberry

We mannaged to get rid of Farver Arfur the costume holly man, I fink he was last seen campin in his tent outside de Bank of Lost Angels in prottest against traddy Cathlics. Sometimes he camps outside de Catheddral to prottest against banks, it dont make a grate deal of diferrence either way.

In fact, sometimes he camps outside de swimmin pool to prottest against General Pinnochet - I fink he hasnt read a newspapper recently - and sometimes he camps outside de Chilean embassy to prottest about de high prices at de swimmin pool. Dis is called Libberal Thoelogy, and is anuvver way of not being saved.

Farver Arfur told us dat he practises de Custardy of de Eyes, which was invented by St Frances, and says dat you can take your clothes off in churhc and he wont notice.

Since Arfur was de herro of our last storry, here is a pitcher of him rellaxin wiv a nun. Dis proves he is a preist in good standin, as nuns doesnt rellax wiv ordinnary poeple. In fact dey calls dem "Sexxist pigg" and knees dem in de grion, as Bosco found out when he asked a nun to pose for a saucy pitcher for his luvvly blogg.



Dem wuonds is hard to explane, but perhaps Arfur and de nunn has been havvin a punch-up, frankkly Arfur can start a punch-up in an empty room. Maybe he asked her if she wuold like to learn about de Custardy of de Eyes.

Bosco had dis brillaint idea to steal de collectoin from de local Cathlic churhc. He explaned to me dat every dime dey put in de plate goes to support pervy preists, because de Pop likes em. It seems dat de Cathlics doesnt give money to de widdows and orhpans any more, or even de starvin milloins in Affrica, it all goes to dem costtume holly men. Bosco finks dat if he can pinch de money, den he can put it to a much better use, like a new Royce Rolls for Pastor Ise-Milk of de Calumny Chappel.

"Dere's a morral vaccum in de Cathlic church," said Anti Moly, "So it will be only fair to take all de collectoin money and buy gin wiv it."

But I had a worryin thuoght. "Aint steelin wrong, Bosco dere?" I asked. "Aint it against de 10 comanddments in de book of Exeters?"

"Eccles, you dimwit," said Bosco. "Dere is only 1 comanddment, do not make gravven immages. De uvvers is optoinal for us wot is alreddy saved, and in fact we fink it is bad manners to mentoin dem."

Havvin explaned dis sutble thoelogical point to me, Bosco had de brilliant iddea to disgiuse ourselves as nuns, becuase dey is always welcome in Cathlic churches. Dis is Bosco's costtume, I fink he will be able to slip in unnotticed, dont you?

Bosco in hopsital

Well, we left our heroes (Bosco and Eccles) lyin in de street outside de local Cathlic churhc, havin been ejjected by de nunns of St Rambo. Dis was simply for tryin to save dem herettics by singin "Bite me, O Thou great Redeemer" durin de Mass. I landed on my head and was not grately injurred, but Bosco he broke lotsa bones, and was taken off to de Generral Hopsital.

I forgot to mention dat Bosco he put up a good fihgt before he was overpowered, as you can see by dis pitcher of de Cathlic churhc after he finished wiv it. It susstained a little structarul dammage.



On Bosco's bed at the hopsital there were various signs. "NIL BY MOUTH. DO NOT RESUCSITATE. WARNING, DIS PATTIENT HAV BITTEN 3 NURSES ALREADY."

Bosco was sittin up in bed readin de "Hummanist Timmes" when Anti Moly and I came in to vissit, barin gifts like de three Maggies. Anti Moly handed over an empty bottle of gin, sayin dat she was sorry but she got thirtsy on de way, and I bruoght him a lovely shirt dat he can wear when Jessus comes, so dat he dont forgit dat Bosco is saved.



"Wossat 'Humorist Times' paper, Bosco?" I asked. "Have it got cartoons? I likes MickyMoss and Donald Duckham, dey always makes me luagh wiv dere commical antix."
"Nope," said Bosco. "It got lotsa fine artickles about de Pop, and how he is repsonsible for de massacre of de innocents cos at de time he was in Herrod's Army. Joanne Hairy says dat he has interveiwed Herrod and he is now ready to reveal de truth. De time for a cover up is over."
"Is de writers saved?" I asked. "Dat's very important, innit?"
"Well, it don't say," replied Bosco, "but dey aint Cathlics, and dat's de most important fing. Dis paper's very good, too, dey're my kind of poeple."
He showed me a copy of "Jihad and Jihadmen", it had a pitcher of a bearded man wiv a hook on de cover. I fought it was Captain Hook, who is in de Peter Pan story dat we has in de Calumny Chappel on Sundays, but dey said he was called Abbo de Hamster.
"What else you got to read, Bosco?" I asked.
"Well, dere's a Gudgeon Bibble here," replied Bosco. "Dat's very good, it's de original King James version, exackly as God wrote it. Afterwards, de Pop transslated it into Greek and Lattin, and made lotsa delliberate errors, cos he didnt want poeple to be saved. For exxample, dere aint no 10 Commandmeants in de Cathlic Bibble."

Bosco turned to anuvver maggazine, and when he saw it he screemed dat Sattan was tormentin him. Dis is de cover.



Den Bosco openned de magazine and saw a pitcher of a nunn makin a cemment iddle, and dat finnished him off. If he hadnt been wearin banddages and straped to de bed, I fink he'd have broken up de hopsital ward.

Dis is de foul fiend dat leads poeple into iddleterry, shockin innit dat dey can pubblish such filth.



I hopes you gits well soon, Bosco.