Bosco in hopsital

Well, we left our heroes (Bosco and Eccles) lyin in de street outside de local Cathlic churhc, havin been ejjected by de nunns of St Rambo. Dis was simply for tryin to save dem herettics by singin "Bite me, O Thou great Redeemer" durin de Mass. I landed on my head and was not grately injurred, but Bosco he broke lotsa bones, and was taken off to de Generral Hopsital.

I forgot to mention dat Bosco he put up a good fihgt before he was overpowered, as you can see by dis pitcher of de Cathlic churhc after he finished wiv it. It susstained a little structarul dammage.



On Bosco's bed at the hopsital there were various signs. "NIL BY MOUTH. DO NOT RESUCSITATE. WARNING, DIS PATTIENT HAV BITTEN 3 NURSES ALREADY."

Bosco was sittin up in bed readin de "Hummanist Timmes" when Anti Moly and I came in to vissit, barin gifts like de three Maggies. Anti Moly handed over an empty bottle of gin, sayin dat she was sorry but she got thirtsy on de way, and I bruoght him a lovely shirt dat he can wear when Jessus comes, so dat he dont forgit dat Bosco is saved.



"Wossat 'Humorist Times' paper, Bosco?" I asked. "Have it got cartoons? I likes MickyMoss and Donald Duckham, dey always makes me luagh wiv dere commical antix."
"Nope," said Bosco. "It got lotsa fine artickles about de Pop, and how he is repsonsible for de massacre of de innocents cos at de time he was in Herrod's Army. Joanne Hairy says dat he has interveiwed Herrod and he is now ready to reveal de truth. De time for a cover up is over."
"Is de writers saved?" I asked. "Dat's very important, innit?"
"Well, it don't say," replied Bosco, "but dey aint Cathlics, and dat's de most important fing. Dis paper's very good, too, dey're my kind of poeple."
He showed me a copy of "Jihad and Jihadmen", it had a pitcher of a bearded man wiv a hook on de cover. I fought it was Captain Hook, who is in de Peter Pan story dat we has in de Calumny Chappel on Sundays, but dey said he was called Abbo de Hamster.
"What else you got to read, Bosco?" I asked.
"Well, dere's a Gudgeon Bibble here," replied Bosco. "Dat's very good, it's de original King James version, exackly as God wrote it. Afterwards, de Pop transslated it into Greek and Lattin, and made lotsa delliberate errors, cos he didnt want poeple to be saved. For exxample, dere aint no 10 Commandmeants in de Cathlic Bibble."

Bosco turned to anuvver maggazine, and when he saw it he screemed dat Sattan was tormentin him. Dis is de cover.



Den Bosco openned de magazine and saw a pitcher of a nunn makin a cemment iddle, and dat finnished him off. If he hadnt been wearin banddages and straped to de bed, I fink he'd have broken up de hopsital ward.

Dis is de foul fiend dat leads poeple into iddleterry, shockin innit dat dey can pubblish such filth.



I hopes you gits well soon, Bosco.

No sinners in de Chappel

Bosco, it panes me to record dis story, but we has got to face de facts. An ennemy has claimed dat dere is a sinner in de Calumny Chappel. Dat is strange as we is all saved.

Anyway, Pastor Al Symphony got an strange letter yesterdday, sayin "YOU HAS A SINNER IN DE CALUMNY CHAPPEL. Singed, a well-wisher". We couldn't find out who dis Mr Well-Wisher was, he aint in de phon book, so we finks it may be a sockpuppet. We told Anti Moly, who had been up all nihgt bloggin, and she said it was a rabit and she wanted to eat his donkeys. Sometimes she dont make a lot of sense.

Pastor Al called us all toggether, and said "We in de Calumny Chappel is born again and so we doesnt sin, but maybe dere is a vipper in de bossom. I gonna list a few common sins and if you has done dem, you gotta confess."

"Has you made a cemment iddle?"
"No, dat's de most evil sin anyone can do!" shouted Bosco. He turned to his little statue of St Peter dat he carries wiv im at all times in case he needs to pray. "Aint it, Pete?"

"Has you attempted to kill your little bruvver wiv a South Americcan blowpip?"
Bosco went very red then. Did I mention dat he have taken up smokkin a pip? Perhaps dis is affectin his luvvly complexoin.

"Has you been allowin sinners into your house?"
We is OK on dat one. Dere was an old Cathlic priest came round collectin for one of his vile charrities, I fink it was de widows and orphans. We set Anti Moly on him and he ran screemin down de road.

"No?" asked de Pastor. "Well dat proves it, we is all free from sin. I aint surprised, after all we is all saved. We shall now sing a hynm."

Oh come, all ye sinless
Joyfull and triumphant
Oh come ye, dat's all been saved,
To Ca-a-lum-ny.
Jesus says dat we is
Absolutely rightoeus.
Thank God we is so perfect,
Thank God we is so perfect,
Thank God we is so perfect,
We, dat's been saved!

Bosco was so pleased dat he went out and got some special clothes, so dat everyone in de street would know he was saved, includdin a funny ring dat he wears round his head. De eagle-eyed will notiss dat he dont have a big nose any more. It fell off and we couldnt save it. But who needs a big nose in Heavn?



Dem is de keys to de Calumny Chappel dat he is holdin. Pastor Al let Bosco pose wiv dem for de fambly albbum.

Off to see de physchaitrist

Ullo dere Bosco, I hopes you dont mind me reveelin your confiddential meddical records, but I fink it will help peeple to unnderstand your plihgt.

We went to see de physchaitrist Dr Fraud, who looked after Bosco a few weeks ago when we was stayin wiv Damain Thopmson in de Mabeldurrum Home for de Dangerously Loony. Poor Bosco he cant sleep he wakes up in de nihgt cryin "Keep dem cement iddles away from me! De Pope's gonna burn me! Eccles you is reely Hilda! I aint saved!"

Dr Fraud says dere is nuffin to worry about Bosco... he will write to de Pope pussonally to ask him not to burn you, and also dat Jessus phoned him up to say you is probbably saved too, but keep writtin your luvly blogg to be absolutley certtain of Salivation, all de folks in Heaven is waitin for de next installmeant. We can't do much about Bosco's bad dreams about cement iddles, but Dr Fraud he gonna double de dose of Fruitcakol, de meddicine for dem wots got severe halluccinations.

We asked Dr Fraud if he wanted to keep Bosco in for obbservation, and he started foammin at de mouf and hittin his own head against de wall, I fink dat means not just now.

Meanwhile, dey is startin to do some converssions to de Calumny Chappel, so dat we can have a larger torcher chamber in de bassement. De workman broke his pickax and asked us "Eccles and Bosco, does you have a pickax to lend me for de converssions?" Bosco he replies, yes, he had been usin one on some Cathlics only other day. He werent sure if dey was converted now, but he had made some major adjusments to deir faces.

Bosco, dere bruvver, if you is feelin a little better now, has you got any oppinions on dis Cathlic iddle? Why is it standin by a grabage bin?

Bosco is de hare of Jessus

Ullo darlin bruvver Bosco, I is gonna tell de good people why you has been speshully selected by Jessus.

Bosco he got an email dis morning from gulible@scamdestoopid.com.

Dere Bosco,

We is de lawyers of de late Jessus Christ what went to Heaven wivout leevin a will. He left some cash in de Bank of Jordan, and dis has been accruin compound interrest for de last 2000 years. We now has a sum of $100,000,000 to award to de hares of dis Jessus, and after some enquirries we has assertained dat dis is you. Pleese Bosco send your name, address, date of birf, bank account detales and list of your favourite sinns to us, and we will arrange payment of de inherritance of dis Jessus.

Yours sincerely,
Condi Gulible (Mrs), Manager, Bank of Jordan.

Dat's grate news an Bosco is in de munny. Wot it is to be a speshully selected person who is luvd by Jessus as well as by his darlin bruvver Eccles who would like $100 to buy some cement as he is goin back to makin statues of your favorite saints.

Bosco, dis is an iddle dat Cathlics kiss, it was originally de Roman God Washington, but dey has renamed it St Peter aint dat a scandal.