No exemptions for Christians

Following a brilliantly original High Court decision by Mr Justice Langstaff that keeping holy the Sabbath day is not a "core component" of Christian belief, and that Christians may henceforth be forced to work on Sundays, we asked a few other High Court judges to explain Christianity to us.

Mr Justice Dredd.

"A prohibition against killing isn't a core component of Christian belief," explained Mr Justice Dredd. "Trust me, I'm a judge, I know these things. If an employer asks a Christian to murder one of his competitors, then the Christian has no right to object on grounds of conscience. It is true that under company law, murders are only permitted if the details are fully disclosed to shareholders at the annual general meeting, but this is not usually a problem."

Judge Dredd went on to explain that he was a great fan of the James Bond films, in which Bond, a pious Catholic, had been given a licence to kill. He had observed that Agent 007 never let his faith stand in the way if it became necessary to blow up the underwater lair of a crazed megalomaniac whose aim was to take over the world, and so he knew exactly what Christianity taught about murder. For that matter, adultery was also occasionally part of the job...

This is all the Law and the Prophets.

Another judge was quick to concur. "There's this commandment about worshipping graven images. Well, we can't give Christians any exemption there, either. Suppose they want to become Conservative cabinet ministers, a noble calling if ever there was one. They would need to kiss all sorts of things en route, including a graven image of David Cameron. They can't expect some sort of exemption, can they?"

Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes! Worship me!

Finally, we asked a Very Senior Judge indeed.

A Very Senior Judge indeed.

Speaking up for Judge Langstaff, a Very Senior Judge indeed agreed that He also expected His employees to work on Sundays; indeed, it was a popular myth amongst the laity that many of His priests only worked on Sundays.

It's no use, Father. You'll have to work Sundays from now on.

So there we have it. Our Lord Langstaff's Summary of the Law is backed by the highest Authority indeed.

Spiritual experiences

We report today from the General Synod of the Church of England, where the Bishop of Bath and Wells, the Rt Rev. Peter Price, has announced that rioting can be, literally, an ecstatic spiritual experience.

A monk obtaining spiritual nourishment

His thesis was taken up by the Bishop of Dartmoor, who encouraged young people seeking spiritual nourishment to try mugging people in the street. Said the bishop, "In this day and age, the Anglican church doesn't seek spirituality through prayer and fasting, let alone the Mass. Young people become closer to God when they see the possibility of grabbing someone's handbag and spending the proceeds on drugs."

It is better to receive than to give

The Bishop of Parkhurst added a new dimension to the debate. "Young people in my diocese tell me that what they are really after is the opportunity of robbing banks. These days, banks and bankers are rightly regarded as the lowest of the low. If Jesus were here now, can one doubt that he would have led his disciples in a daring raid on the Bank of Jordan?"

At Jordan's Bank the burglar alarm announces that the Lord is nigh

Deep theological insight was also provided by the Bishop of Pentonville, who argued that in this day and age, murder could hardly be regarded as a sin, more as a way for frustrated teenagers to express themselves. "Do unto others before they do it unto you, Jesus always said," commented the bishop. "We must not deprive our youngsters of the opportunities for violence that we had when we were young."

Church of England approved spiritual reading

Winding up the debate, the Archbishop of Canterbury commented that, on the one hand theft and murder were traditionally regarded as sins, but on the other hand it was hardly meaningful to talk of Good and Evil in the 21st century. In a very real sense he welcomed this opportunity for a constructive dialogue.

Would the Bishop who stole my wallet please own up now?

Anti Moly on de jurry

In her younger days, Anti Moly was on de jurry of a very excittin murder trail, and she was tellin Bosco and me about it. My Anti Moly is a grate lady, even thuogh she aint saved, so I gonna put de story here too.

It was all about a gang of people accused of murderin someone in a catheddral. Dey swore in de jurry, and when Anti Moly's turn came de usher said "Has you any connectoins wiv de laywers or de defenndants?"

"I hates dem!" said Anti Moly.
"Who?" asked de usher.
"All of dem!" said my dere Anti. "De laywers got wiggs on, dey is sockpoppets, probbably from a traddy cliqque. Allso I knows de judge cos when I was a cleanin lady I used to clean his chammbers. Dey was fillthy I can tell you and..."
"Dat's enough of dat, Mrs Haddock," said de usher. "It dont count."
"Ho hum, I was wonderin why I got frew de gin so quickly," commented de judge.

Here's a photto of Anti Moly addressin de court.



"Does you sware by Almihgty God to be an honest jurrer, to stay awake, and not to shout 'sockpoppet' at de judge?" asked de usher.
"ROFL," said Anti Moly. "I doesn't believe in any gods. And I aint callin him 'Yer honor', he dont know any more about law than I does, I saw de Merchant of Venus at de Pottymouth Playhuose. Dont fink you can pretennd dat de quallity of mercy is straned, you poor sad woeful creecher, cos it aint." (De Pottymouth Playhuose is what Anti Moly used as a sauce of learnin in de old days before she got her educcation from Goggle and Wikkipedia. Usaully dey acted herroic tales of jolly swagmans jumpin into billaboings, but sometimes dey did Shakespear too.)

Well, de case finally got started. De crinimals in de dock was accused of stabbin a Cathlic preist in good standin, and dey pleaded guilty. Since an artist was standin nearby to paint a pitcher of the scene, de evvidence was probbably overwhemling.



"Well," said de judge, "I fink your clients has come to de rihgt decission, Mr Cuttley."
"Objectoin!" screemed Anti Moly. "You aint tellin me dat its a crime now to murder Cathlics, you silly man wiv a wigg?"

De judge was very angrry and he sentenced my Anti Moly for Contepmt of Court. Dis is what dey did to her, and she was very cross.



Dis herroic tale have inspired my bruvver Bosco, dat maybe he can become a judge. Bosco will miss de Day of Judgement, bein saved already, but maybe he can help God make up his mind about dem what aint alreddy saved. So you all gotta be nice to Bosco, he got infleunce.