The poetry of Rowan Williams

Many readers will know that Rowan Williams, the outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury, is also a talented poet. While helping to tidy up after the recent Anglican General Synod (washing the blood off the floor, etc.) we came across a document in his handwriting, which suggests that he was practising this skill during the Synod.

You are old, Father Williams.

"You are old, Father Williams," the young man said,
"And your church has become very wild.
They don't seem to notice that you're at the head -
And Giles Fraser just screams like a child."

"In my youth," the Archbishop said, watching them fight,
"I thought all my flock could agree;
But now I've a subject on which they'll unite - 
They're all feeling angry with me."

Que sera sera,
Whatever Welby, Welby...

No, that's been done...

My bishop's got a red, red, nose.

My bishop's got a red, red, nose,
From drinking too much port.
His wife could do the job as well - 
Now, there's a brilliant thought!

If...

If you can bind the Church of England tighter,
And get it to calm down, if not agree,
About just who's allowed to wear a mitre
And run a diocese - that is, a see...
If you can reconcile the Lib and Evo
With Anglo-Cath and rabid Atheist,
Then, when at last you're given the old heave-ho, 
And go to Cambridge, maybe you'll be missed.

There is nothing like a dame...

We got Durham, Ely, London,
We got Birmingham and York,
We got Winchester and Bradford,
(Now that's one who loves to talk!)
We got Liverpool and Norwich,
And a lot more calling names!
What ain't we got?
We ain't got dames!

Spiritual experiences

We report today from the General Synod of the Church of England, where the Bishop of Bath and Wells, the Rt Rev. Peter Price, has announced that rioting can be, literally, an ecstatic spiritual experience.

A monk obtaining spiritual nourishment

His thesis was taken up by the Bishop of Dartmoor, who encouraged young people seeking spiritual nourishment to try mugging people in the street. Said the bishop, "In this day and age, the Anglican church doesn't seek spirituality through prayer and fasting, let alone the Mass. Young people become closer to God when they see the possibility of grabbing someone's handbag and spending the proceeds on drugs."

It is better to receive than to give

The Bishop of Parkhurst added a new dimension to the debate. "Young people in my diocese tell me that what they are really after is the opportunity of robbing banks. These days, banks and bankers are rightly regarded as the lowest of the low. If Jesus were here now, can one doubt that he would have led his disciples in a daring raid on the Bank of Jordan?"

At Jordan's Bank the burglar alarm announces that the Lord is nigh

Deep theological insight was also provided by the Bishop of Pentonville, who argued that in this day and age, murder could hardly be regarded as a sin, more as a way for frustrated teenagers to express themselves. "Do unto others before they do it unto you, Jesus always said," commented the bishop. "We must not deprive our youngsters of the opportunities for violence that we had when we were young."

Church of England approved spiritual reading

Winding up the debate, the Archbishop of Canterbury commented that, on the one hand theft and murder were traditionally regarded as sins, but on the other hand it was hardly meaningful to talk of Good and Evil in the 21st century. In a very real sense he welcomed this opportunity for a constructive dialogue.

Would the Bishop who stole my wallet please own up now?

De Debate of De Centurry

We is pleased to provvide a trancsript of de Debate of De Centurry, where a biollogist and a theologgian debates de exisstence of God. We hopes it is more successful dan last week's Debate of De Centurry, where a nuclear phsyicist and an art crittic debated de existence of de Higgs Bosson.



Dat's de biollogist, Richard Dakwins (right), rellaxin wiv an uniddentified freind.



And dat's de theologgian, Rowan Willaims (right), wiv a poor beggar wot aint got proper clothes.

De referee is Sir Antony Kenney, wot is a black belt in Juddo, and able to stop de two prottagonists from killin each uvver.



Let de debate commence!

---

Dawkins: Let me say first of all, as a trained biologist, that snakes cannot talk. I wrote a thesis in animal behaviour, and spent 3 years trying to persuade a serpent to say "Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?" but it never got further than "Dawkins, you're an idiot." See? I've refuted one of the main tenets of your faith. Admit it, Beardie. Go on, admit it.

Williams: Thank you, Richard. May I say that this is a most useful and constructive contribution to our dialogue. In one sense, are we not all struggling to articulate an awareness of our own idiocy? Let me bring in philosophy for a moment.

Dawkins: Philosophy? That means "stamp-collecting," doesn't it? I've never had any time for it.

Williams: Well, in a very real sense it means that. But, if I may go further, it is also to do with the fundamental problems of our existence. Are we really here? I may be sticking my neck out here, but I like to think that, in many ways, there is something to be said for the theory that we are.

Dawkins: Talking of stamps... when I put a letter in a red box and it is magically transported to another place, am I supposed to deduce from that the existence of a postman? No, it is the genetic code in the envelope causing it to move of its own accord.

Williams: Perhaps I could venture to bring in Jesus Christ here, since we were talking about religion earlier?

Dawkins: Who?

Williams: Well, He appears later on in the Bible, and in a very real sense may be regarded as a somewhat relevant and meaningful person in the context of Christian thought.

Dawkins: Oh I stopped reading after Genesis. What a load of rubbish that was. What's the point of it? It was written by King James in 1611, anyway. What did he know about evolutionary biology? Look, we were all living in the Dark Ages until Darwin came along with his ground-breaking book called, um, "The Origin of the..." er... Oh my God, what's it called... it's on the tip of my tongue...

Williams: Species?

Dawkins: Yes, I like making speeches, and love having huge crowds of adoring teenagers saying "Richard, how can one man be so brilliant?" Have you ever read Genesis? That God chap. What a monster, eh? Took Adam, ripped his rib out, and made a woman out of it. When I was a research biologist I was able to show that it wasn't possible to make a whole woman out of a man's rib. All I could make was a rather nice table lamp. And even then I had to buy the wires and the bulb. Well, that proves that you Christians know nothing.

Williams: Well, it's not my job to preach to you, but...

Kenny: We're going to have to wrap this debate up soon, but do you have any final philosophical points to make? Does Occam's Razor tell us something?

Williams: Ha ha, I'm afraid I don't use Occam's Razor. And when I read the works of Bernard Shaw, I realised that Shavian philosophy was not for me either.

Dawkins: Well, I must be toddling off now, I've got a "Dawkins Youth" rally to attend. Don't think I'm one of those dreadful atheists, I'm just a humble agnostic who wants the Pope burnt at the stake. (Exit)

Williams: I thought that went very well, didn't you? In one sense we are all saying the same thing about religion, and sharing some very positive dialogue about whether God really exists. It reminds me of the General Synod.