Cafeteria Catholic

Some confusion about "the real thing" here.

Clive Schlee, the Managing Director of the Away-in-a-Manger chain of shops, has reacted gallantly to a post on this blog asserting that, being in the food retail business, he was naturally inclined to be a Cafeteria Catholic. Indeed, he is now planning to withdraw the controversial line of Virgin Mary crisps, which has led to many enraged deacons furiously ignoring his shops.

His concession has rather taken the wind out of our sails...

Richard Branson - expecting to rename the "Virgin" brand in the near future.

Still, it seems a pity to waste a blog post, so here is an alternative account of what happened:

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I met Elvis C. Leech in his luxuriously-appointed office, which contains statues of Tina Beattie, Hans Küng and Catherine Pepinster as well as the latest issues of the the Tablet and National Catholic Reporter, as he explained his new range of hard-to-swallow products.

Eccles: Elvis, you say that your Virgin Mary crisps are "like the real thing but much drier." What completely batty religious beliefs do you have which lead you to presume that the Blessed Virgin Mary was flavoured with Worcestershire Sauce and chilli?

ECL: Oh, I am a great believer in Nutrition Theology, which associates religious figures with foodstuffs. When one of our staff suggested Virgin Mary crisps, I thought, "What a brilliant conception, Tony! Simply immaculate!" Of course then I had to make certain assumptions...

E: Keep digging, Elvis, you're in a deep hole already.

ECL: Well of course Our Lord is generally linked to bread and wine, so we thought nobody would be offended by our new range of "Christian Butties," which are made with lovingly-baked bread, flavoured with wine made from grapes trodden by the finest French feet.

Grapes trodden by the finest French feet.

E: Will there be any other foodstuffs associated with famous religious figures?

ECL: Yes, our market research suggested that the Muslim community would appreciate Mohamburgers, which of course contain only the finest beef, and no horse meat at all. However, we don't expect to make a prophet with that line. Perhaps we should make them from ham instead?

E: You just do that, Elvis, and I am sure that the Muslims will beat a path through your door.

ECL: There's also our new line of "I can't believe it's not Buddha" margarine. Guaranteed to make you lose weight - to enlighten you, in fact.

I can't believe that's not a Buddha knife!

E: Thank you very much, Elvis. Lots of food for thought there. I wouldn't eat any of it, however.

Rehearsin a play

Well we is all gettin very excitted about the Calumny Chappel Nattivity Play. But my big bruvver Bosco, who is cast as de back half of Mary's donkkey, is in a grate panick.
"Woss my lines?" he asked me. "I is a grate artiste, and I is saved, so I gotta give my message to de world." We explanes dat de rear ends of donkkeys aint normaly grate conversatoinalists, but Bosco has read de Bibble, and has heard about Balham's Ass in de Book of Nubmers, wot used to shout "Sockpoppet!" at him.



So Bosco feels dat as a grate acter he has got de right to express himself. "You aint saved, Mary you stuppid dame," he wants to say in a donkkey voice. "You is a grate sinner. Hee-haw! Hee-haw!" We is still workin on dis role. We doesnt want Mary to fall off de donkkey when Bosco starts brayin at her.

Meanwhile, we has fuond a missin fraggment of de Gopsel of St Luke, where he brings in a comick charactter for lihgt releif. Strangley, we fuond dis text on de printer in Anti Moly's bedroom.



1. And dere was abiddin in Nazzareth an old lady called Haddach wot said she was de Anti of de Verger Mary.
2. And lo! Haddach spent de nihgt in a vigill, wherein she screamed and shouted insullts at de passers-by.
3. Yeah, and she spake sayin "Traddy Sockpoppets! Verilly de sittuatoin is woeful! Such is life!"

Dere is uvver bits in de Bibble wot mentoins Haddach, for exammple when Jessus turns de water into wine at Canna, she is dere complanin dat He didnt make gin.



Dis could be Anti Moly's chance for starrdom. Now dat we has insertted dis fraggment into de Calumny Chappel Bibble (which is loose-leaff, so dat we can allso remove bits we doesnt like), we is ready to includ her in de Nattivity Play.

Farver Arfur (also known as Napolleon) is de third herro of dis blogg, even thuogh he is a Cathlic and not saved. He has assked to take part in our holly cosstume dramma, and we fink de part of King Horrid is taylor-made for him. When de wise men comes in and says "Ullo! We is wise men! We has got a B.A. in camel-ridin," he tells dem dat dey is evill rotten sinners for prettendin to be wiser than him.



Arfur is lookin forward to his big sceene, where King Horrid gets to massaccre de innocennts, especailly as he explanes dat dey wasnt innocennt at all, but was guilty of committin lotsa sins listed in de Catacoms of de Churhc, such as bein Traddie Babbies and committin de sin of Subbtraction.



Dis is one of dem evil babbies, dat Farver Horrid is gonna be massacring, and I am sure he desserves it.

Dey has found a part for me too, I is gonna be an angle of de Lord. Not de one wot says "Ullo, Mary, does you want to guess why I has bruoght you a pile of babby clothes?" but annuver one wot sings about Gloria in Exchelseas, dats Lattin, cos dem angles wos foriegners and cuoldnt speak propper English like us. It's all very excittin bein a grate acter.

De passover

Well I heard Bosco talkin to Anti Moly, and explanin dat de Lord was gonna send us de final plaque, de sluaghter of de first-born, but not to worry cos if de Angle of Death came we was gonna say dat de first-born was now Eccles (dis was a kind fing he did for me yesterday), who was a tottal pest wiv his blogg and would be no grate loss. Anti Moly replied "Ha. I'm gonna say you was twins, den I wont have any more probblems with crazy peeple trying to save me."

De next fing I knew, Bosco was packin a siutcase. He said "I'm goin on de run," and carefuly stowed away some of his souvennirs (like de toe of St Peter dat once got stuck to Bosco's nose, and de saccred statue of St Imbecilicus, wot is Bosco's Gaurdian Angle).



"Can I come wiv you, Bosco?" I asked. "We got lotsa people to convert who aint saved, I wouldnt mind talkin to de Buhddists next, dey should be easy to convert to de delights of de Calumny Chappel. Dis Dolly Llama woman sounds like a pushover."

Well to cut a long story short, Bosco said he'd rather face de Angle of Death than have me followin him round for de rest of his life (dat's not nice, Bosco). We bein saved we knows our Bibble, and de answer is that you gotta put labm's blud on de door. Den de Angle of Death comes by and says "Ho hum, dat's labm's blud. Dese chaps is saved. Anyone in next door?" Never fails. So we raided Anti Moly's wine cellar, openned a bottle of her Chatteau Moutton Wrathchild, and did just dat. Just to be on de safe side Bosco dressed up as a nun and hid in de tiolet, where he writes his luvvly bloggs. Here he is.



Well we is all pleased dat de passover went OK. De Angle of Death dropped in and turned out to be an old friend of Anti Moly's from her days as a chorus girl in Austriala, so we gave it a cup of tea. Dem plaques is over, and Bosco he have been given a strong warnin: "You gotta make more of an effort to convert people, or dis could be you, Bosco!"

Bosco's new vestmeants

Ullo Bosco my dear bruvver, how is your head now? You see we went to de Calumny Chappel on Sundy mornin to here Pastor Izemilk preech on "Is your money saved?" Dey is doin rennovations where de local nuns smashed in de chappel door, and dere was a sign saying "Mind your head". We all ducked as we went in except for Bosco who refusses to bow to anyfink, and he smashed is head. Luckilly its pretty sollid, Mom says I is de one wiv all de branes of de fambly.

Well, we continues wiv our Bibble classes wiv Father X. O’ Cise, who is feelin much better but still carries a big stick just in case Bosco gits too enfusiastic. Todday we had de storry of Jessus turning water into wine, it don’t make a grate deal of sense as dere was dis dame Mary his muvver who told him to do it, dats just bossy innit? All de geusts got drunk and went and beet up de begars in de street. It don’t actaully say dat in de Bibble but dats what Bosco and me does at parties.

De Cathlics have recomendded a special vestmeant for Bosco when he goes to de Bible classes, dat must be a mark of favvor. Here is a pitcher of Bosco in de clerrical vestmeants, dey has sleeves dat fasten at de back.