Why we hated Pope Benedict

From the desk of the Editor of the Tablet, a formerly Catholic newspaper that's fallen on spiritual hard times.

The staff of the Tablet, welcoming Pope Benedict to Britain.

Isn't it great that we've got rid of Pope Benedict? Now the Catholic Church can be welcoming to other Churches and faiths - even Tabletism itself! You never saw Pope Benedict talking to people of other faiths, did you? But Francis has taken a special interest in us, indeed, he keeps offering to send a team of his finest exorcists to visit us! Lovely man!

Pope Benedict (hiss!) shows his hatred of Muslims.

No, Pope Benedict's own priorities were different. When he'd finished sticking pins into wax images of Rowan Williams, he started talking to the Vatican II-denying Society of St Pius X, which he regarded as his lost sheep. But as we all know, when the Good Shepherd loses a sheep, He doesn't waste time looking for it: what He does is to get another one!

Also... would you believe it... the man re-authorised the celebration of the Tridentine rite! How many people speak Tridentine these days? I certainly don't! Then he imposed an English translation which, although it was more accurate, was severely inadequate. I don't need to explain why, do I? In fact, I'm not sure that I can. Clifford? Hans? Tina? Anyone got any ideas here?

Would anyone seriously look for a lost sheep?

Pope Francis, who now celebrates his first 100 days in office, has had ecumenical discussions with religious leaders worldwide, such as the Chief Moonie, Tom Cruise of the Scientologists, Richard Dawkins, and even the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby. He hates the ordinariate, because he knows that it attracts the wrong sort of Catholic - ones loyal to Rome, with orthodox beliefs, who clean their teeth and brush their hair, who don't read the Tablet except to find out what their enemies are up to. The ordinariate is now DOOMED... at least if we can do anything about it!

The Ordinariate - there's a face on that shield, mocking me!

Benedict went out of his way to bully Muslims. Remember the Regensburg rallies he organized in 2006 in order to mock the Prophet? And as a result we saw 9/11, didn't we?

One of the first acts of Pope Francis was to wash the feet of a Muslim woman on Maundy Thursday. And then he gave her a sausage roll. Lovely man! Why he even sent some soap round to the Tablet offices so that I could wash MY feet!

A gift from Pope Francis to Catherine Pepinster.

The hermeneutic of continuity still links the two papacies, but not for much longer! Catholicism is looking to the future again, not to the past (Jesus? Mary? Peter? Don't make me laugh!) This could energise a lot of people whose faith has grown stale.

God energises a Tablet journalist.

For a longer version of this article, see here.

A thoroughly modern Muslim

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson is one of the new breed of "liberal" Muslims, most of whom were greatly influenced by the "Mecca II" council of the 1960s.

George de Pfeffel Cholmondeley-Farquharson.

When I came to interview him in his beautiful Kensington house, from which he operates London's biggest camel-hire business, he explained that, although culturally a Muslim, his religious beliefs had been much influenced by modern liberals such as Polly Toynbee, George Galloway, and Tina Beattie.

In fact, Islamic belief in Britain is currently in a state of flux, as the so-called "Magic Crescent" of liberal Ayatollahs is anxious to welcome all believers, regardless of colour, race, creed, sexual orientation or even religious conviction. George naturally finds his place in a liberal Mosque, where they even hold "gay" services.

The Mosque where Imam Nichols operates.

George's charming wife Aisha (age 9) was away at the Cat Stevens Primary School when I called round, but she had left a pile of sausage rolls for us to consume with our Château Hamza claret, in itself a sign that George no longer follows the Islamic customs as strictly as his ancestors (the Cholmondeley-Farquharsons of Libya) used to.

Food for a modern Muslim.

I asked him about his praying rituals. Did he make use of a prayer mat for regular worship ad orientem? George explained to me that, since Mecca II, it had become customary for prayers to be held in a west-facing position, so that one had one's back towards Allah. Moreover, the traditional prayer mat had been in urgent need of modernization.

Novus Ordo prayer mat.

George himself is very fond of participating in ecumenical services - for example he attends a Catholic church in Croydon where the deacon welcomes Muslim worshippers, explaining that "After all, we all believe the same thing really."

George has not been on the traditional haj, finding Mecca a little too expensive for a pilgrimage. However, he is shortly planning a two-week stay in Bradford, visiting the Alhambra Theatre, a well-known shrine. Here he plans to hear a Paul Inwood arrangement of sacred Islamic music, played by the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

The Alhambra, Bradford, soon to host sacred music from the ukelele orchestra of Great Britain.

Finally I asked George about his cultural traditions. "Well, I am a very ecumenical Muslim, so I feel slighly uneasy about smiting the infidel," he explained. "In our weekly Koran-study classes, we learn that we are promised 72 virgins in Paradise if we go berserk and slaughter a few Christians. But then - who wants 72 mothers-in-law? No, I decided to go for the lesser 'all the sherbet you can eat' option, and this only required me to cut the hands off the local vicar."

Father Cleese, of the Church Militant.

As I said my farewells to George, I reflected that Islam, the religion of peace, is adapting itself very well to modern secular culture. How can anyone find anything objectionable in George's lifestyle?

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 17

Continued from Chapter 16

1. So the year of Our Lord two thousand and thirteen arrived, and Richard said unto himself, "What deranged things can I do now?"

2. For he was a man of great years and great wealth, but he was bored.

3. He said unto himself, "I have attacked the Catholics, but they laugh at me. Yeah, and they write books such as The Dawkins Delusion, and The Blind Dawkins, yeah, and even The Selfish Dawkins, which mock me."

4. Thus he resolved to attack the Muslims as well. Which was actually rather courageous, because the Muslim turneth not the other cheek as a rule. Indeed in some cases his wrath waxeth exceeding hot.

A humble Muslim bringeth gifts to Richard Dawkins.

5. So Dawkins spake loudly on the Twitter, which hath the advantage that it may be used from a bunker deep underground, and condemned the Muslims.

6. For forty days and forty nights he condemned them and insulted them. Until people said, "If Richard hateth Islam so, then perhaps there's something to be said for it after all?"

7. And there was a man named Meh-di Ha-san, of the hosts of Puff-ing-ton, who was himself a Muslim.

8. So Richard cried out, saying "Let him not speak! For he believeth in wing-ed horses."

Cry "Mehdi! Mehdi!" and this horse will come and rescue you.

9. But the disciples of Richard cried "Shame! Shame! After all, it is only the New Statesman, which no man readeth anyway."

10. And some men began to question whether Richard was really infallible, as they had always believed.

11. After this setback, Richard was sore distressed, but his heart was uplifted when a prestigious magazine, the Beano, named him as the world's top thinker.

12. To which Richard responded with eloquence, saying, "D'oh..."

The runner up in the "top thinker" poll.

13. For, as it is written in the book of Eccles-iastes, the race is not to the swift, nor even to the clever, but simply to the one with the greatest publicity machine and his own sycophantic website.

14. For otherwise, one might have given the prize to one of many Nobel prize winners, or Fields medallists, or distinguished writers and scholars.

15. Why, they might have given it even to Joseph Ratzinger, he that is called Pope Emeritus.

Richard "Thinker" Dawkins realises that he's forgotten to put any clothes on.

16. And Richard rejoiced exceedingly, saying "The Beano hath spoken. I am indeed the greatest thinker of our time, greater even than Stephen Fry, or Joan Bakewell, or Melvyn Bragg."

17. "What is more, I am modest as well; for when a man praiseth me, I publish his words on my website, and on Twitter, and on a big notice-board outside my house in Oxford. But otherwise I hold my peace."

To be continued.

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The Book of St Richard started here.

Cafeteria Catholic

Some confusion about "the real thing" here.

Clive Schlee, the Managing Director of the Away-in-a-Manger chain of shops, has reacted gallantly to a post on this blog asserting that, being in the food retail business, he was naturally inclined to be a Cafeteria Catholic. Indeed, he is now planning to withdraw the controversial line of Virgin Mary crisps, which has led to many enraged deacons furiously ignoring his shops.

His concession has rather taken the wind out of our sails...

Richard Branson - expecting to rename the "Virgin" brand in the near future.

Still, it seems a pity to waste a blog post, so here is an alternative account of what happened:

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I met Elvis C. Leech in his luxuriously-appointed office, which contains statues of Tina Beattie, Hans Küng and Catherine Pepinster as well as the latest issues of the the Tablet and National Catholic Reporter, as he explained his new range of hard-to-swallow products.

Eccles: Elvis, you say that your Virgin Mary crisps are "like the real thing but much drier." What completely batty religious beliefs do you have which lead you to presume that the Blessed Virgin Mary was flavoured with Worcestershire Sauce and chilli?

ECL: Oh, I am a great believer in Nutrition Theology, which associates religious figures with foodstuffs. When one of our staff suggested Virgin Mary crisps, I thought, "What a brilliant conception, Tony! Simply immaculate!" Of course then I had to make certain assumptions...

E: Keep digging, Elvis, you're in a deep hole already.

ECL: Well of course Our Lord is generally linked to bread and wine, so we thought nobody would be offended by our new range of "Christian Butties," which are made with lovingly-baked bread, flavoured with wine made from grapes trodden by the finest French feet.

Grapes trodden by the finest French feet.

E: Will there be any other foodstuffs associated with famous religious figures?

ECL: Yes, our market research suggested that the Muslim community would appreciate Mohamburgers, which of course contain only the finest beef, and no horse meat at all. However, we don't expect to make a prophet with that line. Perhaps we should make them from ham instead?

E: You just do that, Elvis, and I am sure that the Muslims will beat a path through your door.

ECL: There's also our new line of "I can't believe it's not Buddha" margarine. Guaranteed to make you lose weight - to enlighten you, in fact.

I can't believe that's not a Buddha knife!

E: Thank you very much, Elvis. Lots of food for thought there. I wouldn't eat any of it, however.

Pope forbids "Muslim" food

By Walim Ahdi of the Salafic Herald.

In response to the edict from a Salafi group that Muslims should not eat tomatoes because they are "Christian" food, the Pope has issued an encyclical De Cibo Musulmano, prohibiting Catholics from eating "Muslim" foods.

The tomato, food for pious Catholics. Note the sign of the Cross.

Unlike the faithful tomato, which suggests the purely Christian image of the Cross, other foodstuffs have distinctly Muslim connotations.

So today French bakers were up in arms, singing "Allons, enfants de la patisserie," as they learnt that croissants may no longer be consumed by Catholics.

Eating this says, "I am a Muslim." Bananas are similarly proscribed.

But less obvious foodstuffs are also on the Pope's "anathema" list.

One of these is a cake, the other the Kaaba in Mecca. Can you say which is which?

It is cakes, which often resemble Islamic buildings, that are considered particularly dangerous. This little girl will be getting a strongly-worded letter from her Bishop.

A heretical cake in the shape of a mosque. Note the four minarets.

Even concealing your cake is sometimes not enough. Here we see a deliberate attempt to evoke the image of a pious Muslim woman in a burka.

Easily mistaken for a Muslim woman.

Finally, the owner of this blog may be in deep trouble with Catholics and Muslims alike, since Eccles cakes, no less, often suggest the images of people from Islamic history.

Faces, yes. Not the Prophet. Honestly.

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Other Christian denominations broadly agree with the Catholic line. As we see below, many Baptists also regard the tomato as a truly sacred fruit.

A young woman is baptised in tomatoes. (Pomodoro Baptist Church, USA.)

Dr Damian's problem page

I am a strong dominating woman, Chancellor of a financially stable Western nation with a long and proud tradition of helping other countries run themselves (especially in 1914-18 and 1939-45). All I want to do is to make sure that the Euro is a success, but I am having trouble with my partners in a certain Mediterranean country. Whereas in Ger.... it is normal to get to the office at 3 a.m. and not go home again until midnight, those Gr.... don't have the same work ethic. Indeed when I telephoned their Government, they said that the country was closed for the next 2 months for a holiday. As a result, I am losing patience with my European partners. Can you help?
Angela M. of Berlin.

A strong leader

Dr Damian replies:  We see here several examples of addiction, which I discuss in my best-selling book, The Fix, only £12 from all good bookshops. You, Angela, are addicted to work, and also, perhaps, to stomping around in jackboots telling people what to do. The Greeks, on the other hand, are addicted to olives, ouzo, sunbathing, and (historically at least) playing practical jokes on their friends by leaving wooden horses outside their houses. When you understand this, the solution is clear, and is explained in Chapter 94 of my book, Is Addiction leading to World War III?

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I am a senior Tibetan costume holy man, who obtained his position in a rather curious way, by being "discovered" when I was a small child. I really don't enjoy my job, not just because I can't go into Chinese restaurants without a fight breaking out, but also because people insist on saying odd things to me such as "Make me one with everything," and "Hello, Dalai, well hello, Dalai," and then giggling, which I don't really understand. And the problem is that when I am dead I am going to be reincarnated, and will have to go through the whole business all over again. Oh, I would have been much happier on stage - I've got a very good yak-impersonation routine, for example. I've also tried calling myself Mr Gyatso, but then people blame me for inventing speed cameras, which I don't remember doing.
Dalai L. of No Fixed Abode.

Impersonating a yak

Dr Damian replies:  My new book, The Fix, is currently on offer at only £5, and  you will find that it describes some of the addictions which are the cause of your present worries. Telling silly jokes to religious leaders is one that I used to suffer from myself, and the only remedy is to drop religious affairs completely, as I have done. Your problem with reincarnation is a trickier one, although I do touch on it briefly in Chapter 55 of my book, Addiction beyond the grave.

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Hey, I'm just a regular kind of guy, who simply wants to get rich and be loved by everyone. I'm also extremely talented when it comes to ending the Arab-Israeli conflict, building a stable economy, winning elections, etc. But now I no longer dare appear in public without people throwing fruit and vegetables at me, shouting "War criminal!" and "Poodle!" at me, and generally disrupting my humble attempts to earn a few million bucks here and there.
Tony B. of Blair Castle, Blair Mansions, Château Blair, Schloss Blair, Ze Beeg 'ouse zat ze reech Señor El-Blairo lives in, Big Chief Lying Blair's Wigwam, and the Blairovski Dachas.

A well-thrown tomato

Dr Damian replies: Addiction to food is a dangerous thing, leading to obesity, indigestion and sleepiness. As described in my new book, The Fix (now only £2 and with a free copy of Mary Riddell's Beauty Secrets thrown in), many people overcome these addictions by throwing away their food, often in the direction of some particularly hated politician. However, you have problems of your own, and you may find Chapter 84 of my book helpful, Are you addicted to telling lies?

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Infidel Thompson dog, your stupid book has been of no use to me whatsoever. I am a simple Muslim cleric with a Sunni disposition, and a fondness for war, jihads and things that go BOOM. Nonetheless, the British authorities refuse to accept that I am merely the victim of an uncontrollable addiction to violence, and that I need specialised help - preferably a rest cure in a luxury hotel, with lots of handmaidens to look after my every need, know what I mean? War be upon you.
Abu H.of Belmarsh.

My heart goes boom bang-a-bang

Dr Damian replies: Of course, an addiction to violence is nothing new, and is well-described in my new book, The Fix (autographed copies for 20p, with a free blood-crazed ferret thrown in). You may find that Chapter 36, How I gave up assaulting bishops, which is my own personal story, will be of help to you.