The Book of St Richard, Chapter 7

Continued from Chapter 6

1. And it came to pass that Richard went on a journey to Damascus, there to receive yet another honorary degree; for many people had said to him, "Surely, you cannot be Syria's?" and he was determined to prove them wrong.

This man cannot be Syria's.

2. And, as he drew near to Damascus, a light from heaven shone round about him. And falling on the ground, he heard a voice saying to him: Richard, Richard, why persecutest thou me?

3. And Richard spake unto the Lord saying, "My opinions come from my genes, and I may not control them."

4. And the Lord spake unto Richard, saying, But consider, O foolish man, that those whose opinions come from their jeans are often using the wrong organ to think with, and are thus known as 'dick heads.'

5. But Richard understood not the words of the Lord, and vowed to persecute Him even more in future.

Have you read My new book, Richard?

6. And so Richard began to think about writing an Epistle to the Delusions, wherein he might explain that he himself was the only god worthy of worship.

7. Meanwhile, there came an attack, known as 9/11, wherein many were killed.

8. And Richard said unto himself, "This is a perfect opportunity for me to tell the world that all organized religion preaches violence.

9. For is not the Pope preparing to kill us all with botulinus toxin? Do not the Baptists bite the heads off ferrets? Do not the Quakers regularly throw hand grenades through the windows of orphanages? And is not the Dalai Lama building a nuclear bomb?"

One false move and I press the red button. Then we'll all go up together!

10. And Richard explained to the world that all it needed was secularism, and everyone would live in peace and harmony, as they already did in China and North Korea.

11. Meanwhile, in Oxford, Richard continued to serve as a fellow of New College, and Professor for Public Understanding of Science.

12. And Simonyi spake unto him, saying, "Shall I change the title of thy chair to Professor for the Bashing of Religion?" But in the end this did not come to pass.

13. And in the sixth year of the new millennium there came to pass two events that changed the world; and we shall speak of them in more detail in the next chapter.

14. For the world saw the publication of Richard's Magnum Opus The God Delusion, and the creation of Richard's own church, the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science.

15. And Richard said, "Let it not be said that the Christians and the Muslims have better vestments than us. It is good that the ministers of our church shall also wear special garments."

Dawkins Foundation Garments, modelled by lunatics

16. And it was so.

Continued in Chapter 8

Internet addiction and Monsignor Ban O'ffee

By Damian Thompson (no photo available)

What the Internet can do to you - an addict in January and July 2012

One of the problems we have at the Telegraph is an addiction to the Internet. As can be seen from the pictures above, in the space of a few months it can turn a glamorous young woman into a raddled old harridan whose natural home would be the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussaud's. Luckily, I have found a solution: by writing dozens of tedious blogs about addiction I have managed to cut the readership of my own blog down to a handful of die-hards. A few more well-placed insults should soon get rid of them as well.

---

Mgr Ban O'ffee

Those who think that Paul Inwood's contribution to the musical and liturgical life of the Portsmouth diocese should be classed with Jack the Ripper's contribution to the night life of London are pleased that an arch-traditionalist, Monsignor Ban O'ffee, has been appointed as the new bishop. Mgr O'ffee is expected to ban all celebrations of the Mass in English, which he regards as a barbarous modern tongue.

Paul Inwood's own songs, of which the most famous are those deeply spiritual works:

The God on the bus goes round and round, all day long,

Pontius Pilate sat on a wall, Pontius Pilate had a great fall, and

Bread-of-life Bread-of-life Jesus, man, bake me some bread as fast as You can,

will certainly not be wasted, as they will be recycled as episcopal toilet-paper.

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Please buy this book, so that I can feed my addiction to CDs

Damian Thompson (under the pseudonym Sophie McKenzie) has written The Fix, a thrilling crime story. A stranger offers Damian cash to fix a football match. Will he do the right thing? This is a gripping football thriller, particularly suitable for struggling, reluctant and dyslexic teen readers (e.g. people who post on his blog under pseudonyms such as "phil_evans," "Markus River" and "Sanctimony").

De relicks of Anti Moly

I aint blogged about my Anti Moly recently, but reggular readers will know dat she was put in a care home after she bit de postman in de leg (a misunderstandin cuased by drinkin too much hair restorrer). It's OK we now has a new postman, and so dey said dat it was time to release Anti Moly.

A team of postmen preparing to deliver a letter to Anti Moly

Anti Moly's time in de care home was a little trubbled, but we aint gonna mentoin that.

Anti Moly's care home after anuvver misunderstandin

De team at Castle Thopmson was very pleased to welcome Anti Moly back, and Will Heaven de Butler invited her to try a new cocktail he had invented, consistin of gin, Delingpol anti-freeze, fresh ferret-blood, and a slice of lemon.

Damain himself is also back home, but dey keeps him in a dark room, only lettin him out once a week to write bloggs about addictoin. We hears loud groans from his room, "Cristina, dey all hates me, you is my only friend," as Muvver Odone de cook brings him his pizza.

"Well, you may be right, Damain," replies Muvver Odone, who aint one to tell lies.

Now we aint yet got to de subject of de blogg, but de story is dat Anti Moly frew her false teef out of de window at a passing Cathlic preist. He had come to interview Damain for De Tabloid, a well-known Cathlic comic full of silly hearsays pretendin to be Cathlic doctrin.

Alas, I aint got a photo of Anti Moly's false teef, but here is an artist's impressoin.

Anti Moly's false teef (artist's impressoin)

We was horrified to see dat de preist, when he recovered consciuosness, cried out "Dis is a gift from de Lord," and took the teef away wiv him. Apparently dem Cathlics like veneratin relics, and de sacred teef of Anti Moly is even now bein taken round de country, so dat poeple can pray to dem.

Apparently, de teef is so used to sayin "Woeful," "Sockpoppet," and "Such is life eh" dat dey can now say dese spiritaul phrases even when dey aint in de mouf of my belloved Anti. Dis may be described as a miracule, and maybe my Anti will be saved after all.

Anti Moly is drownin her sorrows in de usual way, and stayin up late to insult poeple on Damain's latest blogg (which, surprisingly, is about addictoin again). We has ordered some new false teef from de Pottymouth Crocodile Centre, where she got de last ones, and dey will soon arrive in de post, if any postman is brave enuogh to delliver em.

Relliquarry containin Anti Moly's false teef, decorated wiv St George and de Dragon

Spiritual experiences

We report today from the General Synod of the Church of England, where the Bishop of Bath and Wells, the Rt Rev. Peter Price, has announced that rioting can be, literally, an ecstatic spiritual experience.

A monk obtaining spiritual nourishment

His thesis was taken up by the Bishop of Dartmoor, who encouraged young people seeking spiritual nourishment to try mugging people in the street. Said the bishop, "In this day and age, the Anglican church doesn't seek spirituality through prayer and fasting, let alone the Mass. Young people become closer to God when they see the possibility of grabbing someone's handbag and spending the proceeds on drugs."

It is better to receive than to give

The Bishop of Parkhurst added a new dimension to the debate. "Young people in my diocese tell me that what they are really after is the opportunity of robbing banks. These days, banks and bankers are rightly regarded as the lowest of the low. If Jesus were here now, can one doubt that he would have led his disciples in a daring raid on the Bank of Jordan?"

At Jordan's Bank the burglar alarm announces that the Lord is nigh

Deep theological insight was also provided by the Bishop of Pentonville, who argued that in this day and age, murder could hardly be regarded as a sin, more as a way for frustrated teenagers to express themselves. "Do unto others before they do it unto you, Jesus always said," commented the bishop. "We must not deprive our youngsters of the opportunities for violence that we had when we were young."

Church of England approved spiritual reading

Winding up the debate, the Archbishop of Canterbury commented that, on the one hand theft and murder were traditionally regarded as sins, but on the other hand it was hardly meaningful to talk of Good and Evil in the 21st century. In a very real sense he welcomed this opportunity for a constructive dialogue.

Would the Bishop who stole my wallet please own up now?

Do-it-yourself Thompson blog

Instructions: pick one item from each section, and combine them. Then Voilà! you have your Saturday column. Never mind if it doesn't make sense - it isn't supposed to!

The Mormons are addicted to cupcakes, which is why Archbishop Mennini required a specially reinforced piano stool.

The Scientologists
The Mormons
The chattering classes
The luvvies of Silicon Roundabout
Societies that believe in Hell
Left-wing, T-shirt-wearing nuns
Countless millions of computer addicts
American schoolchildren
The middle classes in Hyderabad
The overeducated American elite
Teenagers at a school in Xiaogong, central China
Several gay Hollywood stars
Members of Alcoholics Anonymous
Orange-skinned celebrities
Opus Dei

wield immense influence in Hollywood,
are extremely interested in money,
could never be part of the Church of England,
are keen on assisted suicide,
value their subsidised office spaces in east London,
would never be invited on Thought for the Day,
could enter an Andrea Dworkin lookalike contest,
self-medicate with sugary snacks,
are following the IV Drip Diet,
are snorting their ADHD medication,
have discovered party drugs,
are taken out of the local gene pool,
are anxious to join the Ordinariate,
would never visit old people in care homes,
might consider submitting to Pope Michael of Delia, Kansas,
are addicted to cupcakes,

Opus Dei could could enter an Andrea Dworkin lookalike contest, although Noele Gordon wandered naked into the showers at my health club.

although
but
which is why
and

Polly Toynbee
Tom Cruise
Eric Sykes
L. Ron Hubbard
Mitt Romney
Umair Haque
Dr Rowan Williams
Jeremy Paxman
Mark Easton
Edward Elgar
Archbishop Mennini
Lord Foulkes
Sir Paul McCartney
Beethoven
Richard Chartres
Mrs Gladys Mills
The Prince of Wales
Noele Gordon
Canon Brian Brindley
Edward Heath
Queen Victoria
Johann Hari
Jenny Jones
George Clooney

was known for being seriously overweight.
dabbled in the occult.
comes across as a ranting lefty.
acquired a reputation as a self-regarding young windbag.
secretly supported gay marriage.
wandered naked into the showers at my health club.
is the sort of person who would say "an hotel."
should not work for the BBC.
captures the English spirit with unmatched subtlety.
could promote clever, holy traditionalists.
drank too much whisky and attempted to dance with a 70-year-old lady.
bought aubergine hair-dye from a lesbian collective farm in Northern California.
wrote a set of piano variations on God Save the King.
never obtained a doctorate from the LSE.
should never be introduced as "Your highness."
had an indestructible perm.
required a specially reinforced piano stool.
took claret fortified with Scotch whisky.
wrote a Te Deum to celebrate Louis XIV’s victory against the English and Dutch.
supported the vandalism of GM crops.
poured Bird's Custard over a plateful of chips.

The luvvies of Silicon Roundabout are snorting their ADHD medication, but Edward Elgar bought aubergine hair-dye from a lesbian collective farm in Northern California.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 6

Continued from Chapter 5

1. And it came to pass that Richard, having passed his fiftieth year, decided to take unto himself a third wife.

2. For he said unto himself, "My genes cry out most woefully, 'Richard, it is not good for thee to be alone. Thou hast not changed thy socks for two years, and thy shirts lack buttons.'"

3. And many fair and virtuous women queued up outside Richard's house, saying, "Let us mingle our genes with thine, O mighty zoologist, thou who knowest the secrets of the blind watchmaker, and the deaf piano-tuner, yeah and even the completely mad lecturer."

4. For Richard had long since put aside the days of his youth, when he wrote mainly of chickens.

Shall I kill him now, Doctor?

5. And there came unto him a fair maiden, whose name was Leela, and she said, "O Richard, take me as thy wife, that I may stab thine enemies to death."

6. But Richard was looking for someone a little more intellectual. For his days of violence were still far in the future.

Probably too brainy for Dr Dawkins

7. And then another fair maiden, named Romana, threw herself before Richard. But he trampled her underfoot and went on his way.

Mrs Dawkins III relaxes with some friends

8. Finally, there came to him a lady from Gallifrey, one endowed with the finest of genes. And they were wed.

9. Then Richard finally achieved greatness, for he was appointed to the position of Simonyi Professor for the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford. And his enemies joked, saying "Simony, eh? Did he pay for his preferment?"

10. But the answer was No, it was just that this Simonyi was a man with far more money than sense.

A slight misunderstanding

11. Anyway, the people said, "At last, after 25 years in which he spake unto us of chickens and genes, Richard will finally help us understand all of science."

11. So they asked him many difficult questions about science, such as "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

12. And Richard said to himself, "Alas, they do not yet realise that I am an expert on all areas of science, and I know the ways of the Higgs Boson, the Benzene Ring and the Last Theorem of Fermat. Yeah, and chickens too, of course."

13. "But first I shall fire off a blizzard of pot-boilers, since frankly it is quite expensive being married to a lady from Gallifrey who keeps wanting to go home and see her mother; for even the abundant wealth of Mr Simonyi cannot pay the fares".

14. Meanwhile, further recognition came to Richard, in the form of many honorary degrees, from places as widespread as the Cyberman University of Mondas, the Dalek College of Skaros, and the University of Sontar.

Richard Dawkins in the academic dress of the University of Sontar

15. But as the new millennium arrived, the life of Richard reached a turning point; for he began to lose his last remaining grasp on reality. As we shall now see.

Continued in Chapter 7

Bad Hynms 6

Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is Follow me, by Michael Cockett, another totally inappropriate hymn that has found itself into the Kevin Mayhew book of Vogon poetry Hymns for Hippies.

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E: Michael Cockett, good to see you. Did you have a good journey here?

MC: Not entirely, Eccles, I had this uncanny feeling that someone was following me.

Monsieur, I was told to follow you

E: Never mind, I'm sure there's a rational explanation. Now in your hymn you seem to have copied and pasted huge swathes of Jesus's words, without worrying too much about the context.

MC: We've had a few complaints about that, Eccles. Lots of people have been going out to buy fishing-nets and boats just so that they could leave them upon the shore.

E: Yes, and then your friends removed them and sold them at car boot sales, eh?

MC: That's a vicious lie, Eccles!

For sale, to a good home

E: Now one thing you make people sing is The foxes have their holes and the swallows have their nests. Very true, I'm sure, but is it really the sort of thing that should be put into a hymn?

MC: But Jesus said it, so it must be worth singing! And it's organic!

E: So would you also sing Ye brood of vipers, who hath shewed you to flee from the wrath to come?

MC: Great idea, Eccles. How about: You are vipers, you are vipers, You did not dance unto the pipers? Matthew 11 and 12, you see.

A priest having trouble with his congregation

E: You are vipers, you are vipers, Your car's lost its windscreen wipers? No, perhaps not.

MC: So, am I in contention for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award?

E: Well, maybe. But for real star quality you really want silly words, not just words that aren't suitable for singing. We'll let you know.

MC: Thanks. I'll be off now. By the way, don't forget to "follow me" on Twitter.