Church rocked by "gay lobby" allegations

The church of England was reeling in shock today after the existence of a highly influential "gay lobby" at its heart was finally admitted.

The Union Flag is replaced with the Rainbow.

The first signs of such a lobby came when the secular wing of the church of England, which trades under the name "British Government", started enacting legislation to overturn the ideas of marriage, fatherhood, motherhood, men, women, etc. David Cameron, the person who appoints the church's bishops, has been identified as one of the people responsible for attacking family life in this way.

Things came to a head today, when the British Embassy in Paris decided to raise the rainbow flag in solidarity with the "Gay Bride" march in London. "Mon dieu," said a French commentator, "it's true what they say about le vice anglais, then?"

Not the sort of wedding we expect to see much longer.

The Queen herself, although Supreme Governor of the church of England, is not intending to take part in the "Gay Bride" march, and nor indeed is Archbishop Justin Welby, her deputy. However, Her Majesty has herself been seen visiting the "third arm" of the Church of England, the BBC, which is itself blamed for sex scandals dating back to the 1960s.

Blimey! It's the Supreme Governor!

The Catholic Church has its own problems, of course, and it was rumoured today that rebel forces in the Vatican had tried to raise the "Gay Bride" flag today, but had been repelled with holy-water cannons.

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Meanwhile, this weekend also sees the return of the Glastonbury Festival. Curiously, a copy of the programme of the very first Glastonbury Festival has come to light, dating from 50 A.D.

The aftermath of Glastonbury.

Topping the bill is Joseph of Arimathea, who will be performing his popular hit Jerusalem.

Joseph of Arimathea sings: And did those feet in ancient time...

Another name that will be known to modern readers is that of a very young Cliff Richard, who has of course performed at all the Glastonbury Festivals since the first one.

A promising young singer.

Many celebrities attended, including the lovely Princess Boadicea (or however you want to spell her name), although her insistence on coming by chariot caused some problems to passers-by.

Merlin asks: "Has anyone lost this?"

Remains identified as Richard

Richard.

Scientists have confirmed that the skeleton found in a car park in Leicester is indeed that of the veteran Christian singer, Cliff Richard (born 1452). They commented that the skeleton was in very good condition, and that identification became easier when they heard it trying to sing Congratulations. It then apologised for its somewhat croaking voice, saying "I'm hoarse, I'm hoarse, my singing's rather hoarse!"

Until the positive identification was made, there were many other theories about the identity of the skeleton. One of the most bizarre was that it might be the even-more-veteran Catholic bore, Basil Loftus, sole architect of Vatican II, who is now generally regarded as a poor old fossil.

The Loftus Monster.

However, "Lofty," as he is known to his friends, has recently been located somewhere near Loch Ness, where he provides an attraction for tourists who cannot quite believe in the existence of the Loftus Monster.

Although the identification of Richard's bones is an event of great historical importance, it seems unfortunately to have been overshadowed today by the story of Chris Huhne, an MP who has admitted to perverting the course of justice by trying to dodge a speeding conviction. And now he is history as well.

Chris Huhne.