May a priest use the word "r*mshaw"?

The whole internet was up in arms today after Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, referred to a fellow Anglican priest as a "r*mshaw" on Twitter.

A man engaged in r*mshawism.

The word r*mshaw is believed to be Anglo-Saxon in origin - like most of the best obscenities - and refers to certain practices which cannot be mentioned on a blog such as this one. Archbishop Welby was today said to be regretting that he had lost his temper and used such a word in public. Apparently, he was deeply provoked by some nonentity of a junior priest who had taken it upon himself to go against orthodox Christian teaching on marriage.

Justin Welby usually has the angels on his side.

The word "r*mshaw" is often heard on football terraces, in pubs, Bilderberg group meetings, and in other places where people are not constrained by good manners, but it is believed to be the first time that it has been uttered in public by an archbishop. The only precedent that springs to mind is when Rowan Williams lost his temper and called someone a G*les Fr*ser.

R*mshaw Rocks, a name which always cause schoolboys to snigger.

In the Catholic Church, such bad language is rarer, although Pope Francis himself is alleged to have said "Madre de Dios, este hombre es un Cormacmurphyoconnor" - a Spanish expression that we cannot translate.

Leviticus

This is Chapter 3 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who is a bit of a beginner at theology. We have seen Genesisand Exodus, and now we need to work out what Leviticus is all about.

It is forbidden to eat vultures, even tinned ones (Leviticus 11:14).

Now, unlike the previous two chapters, which were full of jolly stories about ancient people, with a fair amount of smiting and some miracles too, Leviticus gets us into a bit of a rut. The basic plot is that God gives a lot of instructions to Moses and Aaron about rituals, the priesthood, sacrifices, etc. and Moses and Aaron carry them out.

Now pay attention, Richard. The book is called Leviticus, and refers to the Levites, the tribe from which the priests were drawn. This should give you a clue that most of the rules and regulations written down were not intended for modern Christians to follow - but wait until Christ turns up, and we'll explain this more carefully.

Wel-by, of the tribe of Levi, enjoys a nice ritual.

Some of the advice given is relevant today. For example, Chapters 13 and 14 have some fascinating stuff about how to diagnose leprosy, and what to do if you come across such a case. So you see, these "bronze age goatherds" could easily have got jobs in a modern hospital, and some could even have written books about shellfish genes (which they did not eat, according to Leviticus 11:9-12).

Around Chapter 17 we start to get some moral instruction, and of course this is the bit that so many secular-minded people object to. "Why can't I uncover the nakedness of my father’s sister if I want to?" they ask.

My own (great-)aunt Moly, with a good reason not to try and uncover her nakedness.

We should not forget Leviticus 18:22 (about lying with people of the same sex), because that does tend to upset some people. Although in the New Testament it is made clear that dietary restrictions no longer apply, and you can now eat as many vultures as you want to, it is also made clear that the same-sex prohibition - always far more serious than accidentally eating a vulture lasagne that you thought was beef - still stands.

Actually, Leviticus is at the forefront of equal rights, in many ways. "Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumbling block before the blind" (Lev. 19:14) is advice that few would argue with.

Someone round here hasn't been reading Leviticus.

Well, Leviticus was the basis of the Jewish law for many years, but there is a very good reason why it is hardly ever read from in a Christian church service - for us it is mostly of historical interest. Animal sacrifices are no longer expected: we have something far better.

After the service there are coffee and vulture sandwiches in the Sistine Chapel. Trust me, it's OK.

So next week we'll be looking at the book of Numbers, when the Israelites are on the move again...

Religious news items

The third Pope?

To everyone's disappointment, it seems that the "third Pope" in the picture published by the Sun newspaper is not, after all, Pope Francis.

Clearly the picture shows Pope John-Paul II and a future Pope Benedict XVI, but the very spiritual-looking cardinal in the middle has so far been unidentified. It is thought that he may be even have been a Telegraph journalist who gatecrashed the meeting in disguise.

---

Pope Francis likes gerunds.

The gerund - shunned by Pope Benedict XVI.

Meanwhile, Latin scholars are ecstatic because the motto of Pope Francis, Miserando atque Eligendo, contains no less than two gerunds (verbal nouns). This is in strict contrast to the mottoes of Popes Benedict XVI (Cooperatores veritatis) and John-Paul II (Totus Tuus), who restricted themselves to elementary grammatical constructions.

Our detailed researches (5 minutes with Wikipedia) reveal that there have been no papal gerunds since mottoes were introduced by Pope Pius X, although Pope Benedict XV was widely praised for using a passive subjunctive verb in his In Te Domine Speravi, Non Confondar In Aeternum.

So far it is too early to tell whether Pope Francis is intending to make gerunds a regular feature of his future encyclicals, but Vatican-watchers are hastily buying up all copies of Kennedy's classic text, just in case.

Kennedy's classic text (two editions are available).

---

Meanwhile, over the the Church of England...

Knock knock! Who's there? I'm Justin. I know you're just in, but who are you?

This week also saw Justin Welby's enthronement as Archbishop of Canterbury. Although he could not expect leading religious figures such as Robert Mugabe or Joe Biden to attend, since their place was in Rome, Archbishop Welby also enjoyed a most impressive service.

Ha ha ha, no, we're still against abortion and same-sex marriage, Mr Biden.

In his homily, Archbishop Welby was careful to avoid all controversial topics such as religion, good and evil, etc., instead focussing on some of the other riches associated with the Church of England.

Liturgical dancing from the Little Sisters of the National Health Service.

Meanwhile, Queen Elizabeth, as Supreme Governor of the Church of England, naturally had an important role to play in the service, as she parachuted down to Canterbury Cathedral.

"At least Rowan Williams allowed me to arrive by car."

BBC interviews the Pope's enemies

BBC presenter: After the sudden announcement of Pope Benedict XVI's resignation, we shall be talking to a balanced selection of people who have good reason to hate him. Let's start with you, Justin Welby. Your predecessor, Archbishop Cranmer, was martyred by the Catholics in 1556, so naturally you detest Pope Benedict.

Thomas Cranmer - did Benedict XVI ever apologise for his death?

JW: Er, no, actually, I think Benedict has shown great dignity, insight, and courage. All in all, rather a good Pope, really. And I think it's an excellent thing when a major religious leader steps aside, in order to allow a younger man to take over.

BBC: Oh, you're no fun at all. Over to Richard Dawkins now, who can always be relied on to say something anti-Catholic.

RD: Sex. That's the main thing in life. And the Pope hasn't had any. What a waste. Look at me, I'm the man they call "Dr Sexy" in Oxford. Nearly 72 years old, and I'm still regarded as an Oxford Don Juan (geddit?)

An erotic DVD starring Dr Sexy. Not suitable for children.

BBC: Thank you, Professor Dawkins, for making that deep point of theology. Well, we at the BBC are nothing if not balanced in our coverage, so we also invited in a Catholic who hates the Pope. Catherine Pepinster is busy insulting the Pope on Channel 4, but instead we have managed to get hold of Lavinia Byrne, a former nun.

LB: Drone drone drone, women priests, contraception, Spanish Inquisition trying to bully me, Pope Benedict ate my hamster, ... (continues until she has a fit).

Panic-stricken nuns flee the bullying of the Catholic Church.

BBC: Thank you so much, Lavinia Byrne, for putting the Catholic point of view. We'll continue this debate on BBC Radio 5 Live, where Austen Ivereigh is being mauled by a specially-selected group of Leeds United supporters, but here is a final proof that God Himself (if he exists) hates the current set-up at the Vatican.

"GIVE ME HANS KÜNG !!!" says God.

Are you a cultural Christian?

It's a funny thing, Christianity, isn't it? Many people would say it was something to do with belief in Jesus as the Son of God, who died for our sins and rose again (and there's a whole lot more, on which there is not always universal agreement). But some people call themselves Cultural Christians, so what's that all about, eh?

Culture for Christians (and others).

Here are some test questions to help you decide whether you are Christian, a cultural Christian, or something else entirely.

1. How often do you go to church?
(a) Once a week, maybe more.
(b) Just for christenings, weddings and funerals. But I stand 
there looking superior, and don't join in any of the hymns.
(c) Never. It's a sexist misogynist relic of the dark ages.

And what do YOU do, Mr Welby?

2. How do you celebrate Christmas?
(a) I go to church a lot.
(b) I buy hot cross buns and easter eggs, which for some 
reason are in the shops at that time.
(c) I call it Yule or Winterval and dance naked in the snow. 

It's a pure coincidence that I have a tree in my living-room.

3. What do you think of the Bible?
(a) A book of inspired religious writing.
(b) It was compiled by bronze-age goatherds, who couldn't 
read or write, but it has some memorable quotations in it.
(c) Nasty, homophobic, vicious. I prefer to curl up with 
Bertrand Russell.

"Nowadays we realise that the Bible was written by bigots."

4. How do science and religion fit together?
(a) Pretty well, really: many of our greatest scientists 
have been religious.
(b) Scientists were forced to be religious, and the best 
ones knew it was all a pretence.
(c) All science produced by religious people is suspect.

Newton (being religious) made an error in his theory of gravitation.

5. Why are you reading this blog?
(a) For spiritual nourishment.
(b) It is part of our Christian heritage, even if it is a 
blog full of vicious lies.
(c) I'm not. No way. Give me Das Kapital any day.

When I hear the phrase "Cultural Christian," I reach for my Zuhlsdorf.

If you replied mostly (a), then you are probably some sort of Christian (but not Giles Fraser). If (b), then you are a cultural Christian, and will no doubt spend much of your time insulting real Christians. If (c), then you may be trying a little too hard, Giles.

Religious predictions for 2013

January. Paul Inwood complains of the repetitiveness of so many traditional Christmas carols, objecting that he was asked to sing "Oh come let us adore him" three times in each verse of Oh come all ye faithful.

February. The Editor of the National Catholic Reporter resigns in disgrace, and the position is offered to Fr John Zuhlsdorf. However, Fr Z declines, as he has just been appointed Bishop of the Blogosphere.

Episcopus Blogospherae.

March. Justin Welby is enthroned as the new Archbishop of Canterbury. In a moving sermon he pays tribute to the National Health Service, to his predecessor (Baron Waffles of Mumbles) and to his trade union, the National Union of BIshops and LEaders (NUBILE). As an afterthought he mentions God.

April. Tina Beattie holds a grand birthday party, and invites the Pope, Bishop Declan Lang, President Mary Lyons of San Diego, Charles Moore, and James MacMillan. They all accept with enthusiasm. Two days before the party is due to take place, Prof. Beattie cancels all the invitations, saying "fooled you!"

May. The Tablet conducts another survey, asking readers which of the "eight commandments" they think is most relevant to the present day. After it is tactfully pointed out that the canonical number of commandments is ten, Catherine Pepinster withdraws the survey, replacing it with one in which she asks people "How many of the six persons of the Trinity can you name?"

Moses - a Tablet reader.

June. Giles Fraser fulfils his heart's desire on being sent to prison for conducting a marriage ceremony involving three men and an elephant.

July. World Youth Day, Rio de Janeiro. The Pope is involved in an embarrassing situation, when the security guards refuse to admit him, saying that he "looks at least 30." Luckily, he gets in using a Vatican Young Person's Rail Card.

The Pope - looking more youthful every year.

August.It is revealed that Mrs Gladys Mills was a pious Catholic and the grandmother of Damian Thompson. In his new biography Granny Gladys, Damian reveals how he used to go round to her house for cupcakes and a recital of Rachmaninov's latest hits.

September. Richard Dawkins abandons work on his latest theological treatise, 101 ways to kill a Catholic, and comments, "You know, maybe they have a point after all."

October. The Church of England holds another synod. David Cameron posts armed guards outside the doors, and says that nobody will be allowed to leave until they have voted to ordain women bishops. He later denies trying to interfere with the religious freedom of the Church of England.

Did anyone bring some sandwiches?

November. The Year of Faith comes to an end. Liberal Catholics say they found the whole idea too controversial, and propose a Year of Doubt instead.

December. The second film in the Hobbit trilogy (based on books by that woeful traddy Catholic J.R.R. Tolkien) is released. In a surprise move, it is revealed that Stephen Fry is now taking the part of Smug the great Drag.

The poetry of Rowan Williams

Many readers will know that Rowan Williams, the outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury, is also a talented poet. While helping to tidy up after the recent Anglican General Synod (washing the blood off the floor, etc.) we came across a document in his handwriting, which suggests that he was practising this skill during the Synod.

You are old, Father Williams.

"You are old, Father Williams," the young man said,
"And your church has become very wild.
They don't seem to notice that you're at the head -
And Giles Fraser just screams like a child."

"In my youth," the Archbishop said, watching them fight,
"I thought all my flock could agree;
But now I've a subject on which they'll unite - 
They're all feeling angry with me."

Que sera sera,
Whatever Welby, Welby...

No, that's been done...

My bishop's got a red, red, nose.

My bishop's got a red, red, nose,
From drinking too much port.
His wife could do the job as well - 
Now, there's a brilliant thought!

If...

If you can bind the Church of England tighter,
And get it to calm down, if not agree,
About just who's allowed to wear a mitre
And run a diocese - that is, a see...
If you can reconcile the Lib and Evo
With Anglo-Cath and rabid Atheist,
Then, when at last you're given the old heave-ho, 
And go to Cambridge, maybe you'll be missed.

There is nothing like a dame...

We got Durham, Ely, London,
We got Birmingham and York,
We got Winchester and Bradford,
(Now that's one who loves to talk!)
We got Liverpool and Norwich,
And a lot more calling names!
What ain't we got?
We ain't got dames!

Tonight's Television

The Vicar of Webly

It's not over until the fat bishop sings.

In tonight's episode of The Vicar of Webly, the Church of England is in crisis after a measure to appoint women bishops is narrowly defeated, and it is realised that they will have to keep taking votes every few months until they get the answer they were supposed to get.

Ambitious Geraldine, the Vicar of Webly, having set her heart on promotion to the cushy job of Bishop of Milton Keynes, is in no doubt where the fault lies. "After weeks of discussion and lobbying, the Church of England made the mistake of allowing two minutes of prayer before the vote," she says. "It is entirely possible that the Holy Spirit intervened at the last minute and blocked the measure. Now is it right that God should be allowed to intervene in a democratic process?"

The Holy Spirit - dragging Religion into Politics.

Meanwhile, the Catholic church rushes to sympathise with the Anglicans in their time of trouble. In a personal phone call to their new leader, Archbishop-elect Webly, Pope Benedict XVI makes the comforting remark, "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

---

Duffy the Vampire-slayer

Duffy the Vampire-slayer

The Catholic church has problems of its own, as the spectre of Traditional Catholicism, believed to have been buried in the 1960s, begins to rear its ugly head once more. A foolish old woman called Tina finds herself harassed on all sides, simply for speaking up against the mysterious forces called Magisterium. Banished from San Diego, she takes refuge in a dreadful wasteland called Roehampton.

Now all eyes turn towards Duffy the Vampire-slayer, a clever history student, who decides to rescue Tina from the forces that assail her. He invokes the spectre of Cardinal Newman, a well-known liberal Catholic who wrote regularly about how same-sex marriage, women priests and abortion were necessary for salvation. Duffy calls Newman to his aid in the battle for the soul of the Catholic church, and the fight is on.

John Henry Newman, author of Apologia pro Tina sua.

Will Duffy rescue poor Tina, or will he too be destroyed by the sinister doctrine known as Orthodoxy?

Directly-elected bishops

On the day when voters are rushing to the polling stations to elect their own police chiefs for the first time, it was announced today that from now on the Catholic Church would ensure that all future bishops were directly elected (as the American Catholic Countil recommends), rather than relying on a murky process involving the Pope, his Nuncio, and malicious gossip spread by well-known Catholic bloggers.

The Anglicans have had directly-elected bishops for some time.

Although for the time being all bishops will necessarily be male - a great disappointment to Prof. Tina Beattie, who had set her heart on a cosy diocese as a way of relaunching her career - the Catholic church is obliged by law to allow non-Catholics to stand for election.

We spoke to three people who are planning to throw their mitres into the ring, one from each of the largest political parties.

Boris Johnson, in cycling mitre.

Manifesto: Cripes! What Westminster needs is a go-ahead bishop who will build cycle paths in the Cathedral, in order to speed up the circulation of the jolly old customers. Then, in the longer term, we shall reduce congestion by moving Westminster Cathedral to a whizzo new island that we're building in the middle of the North Sea.

Religious opinions: Our new liturgy, beginning "What ho, God!" is guaranteed to get the Almighty's attention and give Him a friendly nudge towards smiting our enemies. Under my leadership, the Geiger counter of Catholomania will go zoink! off the scale, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Romney!

Richard Dawkins, modelling the BBC-approved mitre.

Manifesto:The Catholic Church needs to rebrand itself as the Dawkins Foundation for Religion and Faith. At present it is too busy focusing on peripheral issues like God and morality, when it needs to be getting out there and preaching the Good News from my books. Science has solved all the problems of the Universe, and so we don't need any more scientists. Er, no, I'll have another go at that one...

Religious opinions: There's probably no God, but then again there may be, and I'm not being indecisive here. So I'm pretty much in touch with mainstream Liberal Catholic opinion on that one.

John Prescott, being measured for a bespoke XXXXXL mitre.

Manifesto: I may not be a pious Cathartic myself, but my friend Tony Blair certainly is, and he thinks it is important that New Labour should be at the heart of the Church. I see the job of a Bishop as one of derogation - so I shall sit in my pew mediocritating, while someone else does the work.

Religious opinions: The Bible is far too complicated for the average bishop in the street to understand, but "Give us this day our daily pies," or whatever the exact wording is, seems to be something I can relate to.

The ETA course

Welcome to the ETA ("Evangelical Training for Archbishops") course. This course, run by the Church of Holy Trinity, Brompton, is designed for those exploring the Christian faith for the first time, who feel that a career as an archbishop may suit them.

We're all looking for something in life.

Some of the questions we shall be exploring are:

* What's that big black book that you lot keep reading?

* Am I more saved than my neighbour? Should I tell him?

* Holiness. Have I got it? Where can I get it? Does it hurt?

* Are you the chaps who follow the Pope, or is that the Muslims?

* Will I have to learn to play the guitar?

* I like speaking in tongues, but what does Flooble wibmoss grukka lobnewtreally mean?

* Am I allowed to bring my own cushion to sit on in church?

A satisfied customer, JW, took the ETA course and now has a top church job, earning £70k, with free company palace and all the tea he can drink.

Later on, we shall move onto the fundamental questions that trouble people waiting for promotion to bishop or archbishop:

* Do archbishops choose their own mitres, or do they get sent them by the Queen?

* If I use words like "ontology," "numinous," "hermeneutic," and "cirrhosis" in my sermons will people realise that I'm bluffing?

* I have been invited to say something blasphemous on Thought for the Day. Will this count against me?

* Does the Bible recommend same-sex marriages for woman priests?

Warning: this is not the Anglican ETA course - its followers rarely become archbishops.

Religious news

I'm a heretic...

A new series of the television series I'm a heretic, get me out of here! is just starting. It will be hosted as usual by those lovable churchmen Cantoris and Decani (Cant and Dec), and the line-up this year includes the great Hans Küng and Professor Tina Beattie.

Sister Nadine of the Nuns of St Omnibus.

Cant and Dec explained to us that the contestants would undertake various challenging tasks, which would include swallowing disgusting things - such as Tina Beattie's religious writings - and carving a termite mound into the likeness of a famous theologian.

A termite mound carved into a statue of Hans Küng.

We asked whether the contestants would get Sundays off in order to attend Mass, and Cant and Dec merely responded with hysterical laughter. Now why should that be?

---

Father Dunn dies.

Fr Dunn, with companion.

The death is announced of Father "Grandad" Dunn, at the age of 92. Fr Dunn was a member of the religious organization Exercitus Patri, which flourished in the 1970s. He is fondly remember for his sermons on the subjects, Panic ye not, panic ye not, my people, O Lord, grant me permission to speak, and The ungodly one liketh not a smiting from below. RIP.

---

Oil tycoon to run Church of England?

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting that the Bishop of Durham, Justin Welby, a former oil tycoon, will be appointed as the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

Justin Welby - on the side of the angels.

Welby is the author of many well-regarded theological books, such as Holy Unction - why don't we use more oil? and Natural gas and gaiters. However, his enemies describe him as "a boring man."

The See of Canterbury (if he gets it) will give Welby a new platform for his views.