Vatican II - 50 years on

Monsignor Basil Foltus, who in 1962 was a high-flying priest in his late forties, played an important role in persuading the Second Vatican Council to throw away the Church's ancient traditions. He reflects modestly on some of the reforms he instigated.

Basil Foltus as a young priest

Which way should the priest face at Mass?

The answer to this question was obvious to me. When I ride on an omnibus, I don't want the driver to turn his back on me, in order to see where he's going, I want him to turn round and talk to me. "Monsignor Foltus, how kind of you to grace our humble omnibus with your presence! Where do you want me to take you?" he should say. In the same way, the priest should turn round, face the congregation, and ask them, "Where do you want me to take you?"

Pre-Vatican II omnibus crash on Loftus Bank, Yorkshire

Or to put it another way, should a church be more like an omnibus, or a theatre? Do we go to church because we want to follow the priest towards God, or because we want him to entertain us?

Latin - Requiescat In Pace

One casus belli at the 2nd Vatican Council was which lingua franca we should adopt for masses de futuro. We had an in camera debate on this, and I saw that it was ipso facto necessary to lead the Catholic faithful into terra incognita. You may well say "De minimis non curat lex," but whoever heard of the plebs speaking Latin? After all, cui bono?, as I pointed out. This made me a persona non grata in some circles - I remember saying "Et, tu, Brute?" to the Pope himself - but "Carpe diem" is my motto, and muttering "Excelsior!" to myself, I went on to make a prima facie case for abolishing Latin, using a powerful reductio ad absurdum argument ad nauseam, namely, "Vox Populi, Vox Dei." Having won the debate, my only thoughts were "Labor omnia vincit." Well, "Veni, vidi, vici," and we may finally say, "Quod erat demonstrandum!"

We never sing "Cave canem" at Masses in my church

Significantly, Vatican II was an opportunity to give the liturgy a good shake-up. When people come to Confession with me, I no longer ask them to say five Hail Marys as a penance - no, they are told to sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" five times. They don't come back, I can tell you!

Giving a lead to the church

Although, nominally, the leader of the Catholic Church is now a young chap operating under the alias of Benedict XVI, I still see it as my role to direct the faithful away from the sort of fuddy-duddy traditionalism that might have appealed to my father's generation - people such as Augustine and Aquinas, that is. Vatican II was the New Pentecost - the time that the Holy Spirit settled on Basil Foltus and inspired him to lead the Church into pastures new.

The author (in striped dressing-gown) witnesses the New Pentecost

I am a strong believer in free speech, and you may have heard of my threats of legal action against Fr Michael Clifton and Fr Ray Blake - dreadful traditionalists clinging to outmoded beliefs. I simply wanted them to have their say, of course, and I thought that a court of law might be the best place for it. But, in general, the Catholic Church appreciates all that I have done for it, and I still receive tokens of esteem from grateful worshippers.

A gift from an anonymous admirer

Opeless Dei

We has had a lotta trubble from Farver Arfur lately, cos de Pop have turned down his applicatoin to run a private branch of de Inquisitoin. Arfur wanted to move away from traddy ideas about forgivvin sinners, and settle down to a bit of torcherin instead. So he is furrious dat de Pop is talkin about luvvin your nieghbor, a traddy practise wot was outlawed by Vattican II (I fink dat's de name of de Pop wot did it).

Dis week Farver Arfur was givven de job of hearin a little girl's confessoin. "Mom said I was very nuaghty and stayed in bed cuddlin my teddy bear," said dis Sattanic kiddie. Farver Arfur was very angry. "You is an evil sinner wot is surely gonna go to Hell for dat," he told de little girl, "so I is confiscatin your teddy bear and burnin it."



Three cheers for Farver Arfur, he is sure is good at condenming iddles.

As a result of dis firm stand on mortal sins, Damain Thopmson telephonned Arfur to say dat he shuold join Opeless Dei. Dis aint to be confussed wiv Opuss Dei, wot is de one wiv de albinno monks in De Vinchi Cod. Nor is it rellated to Opus Sum, which is a club for poeple like my Anti Moly wot likes eating Austrialan marsuppials. Nope, Opeless Dei is a soceity for Cathlics wot is otherwise unemployyable. Dat's why Damain suggestted it as a way of keepin Farver Arfur off de streets.



Dat's Farver Arfur just after dey told him de news dat he was elligible to join Opeless Dei. He's been for a swim, dat's why he aint dressed as a cosstume holly man rihgt now.

We has found out dat Opeless Dei is very keen on flagulation, which means dat Arfur still gets to whip poeple if he finks dey has sinned against de Catacoms of de Churhc. Perhapps he have finally fuond his true vocatoin.

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My bruvver Bosco (Pop Bozodict) has decidded to go on a retreet, dat is why you aint heard anyfink from him lately. He went into de wilderness (Lost Angels) and he is now on top of a pole medditatin like St Simon Stylights.



So far he aint come up wiv any profound medditatoins, he just shouts "You aint saved like me, stupid" at de passers-by in de street. If he comes up wiv any more wise sayings, I will let you know.

Not to be outdone, Anti Moly started tellin me dat she used to be a pole dancer when she was young. I fink dis story needs to be told some uvver time.

De confesions of Bosco

I is pleased to see dat my dere bruvver Bosco has passed a good nihgt despite bein concused by Grate-Anti Moly's lapptop. She aint takin de blame, of course. In fact she have found a blogg postin dat Bosco made in 1996 sayin dat Austrialans cant be saved because Jesus would be upside-down if he went dere. She is usin dis as eviddence dat he atacked her first. Still, de finggers of supsicion are bein pointed at her, and she may decide to go away soon, especially as she has drunk all our gin.

Bosco sure was restless overnihgt as he kept talkin in his sleep. "I is a grate sinner," he said. "I confesses. It was me wot did 9/11 single-handed. I also stole all de gold in Fort Nkox and replaced it wiv chocolate wrapped in gold foil. I set fire to Rowwan Williams's beard. I filled Eccles's boots wiv treackle. I pinched Damain Thopmson's touppee when he came to visit. I covetted my neihgbour's servin-girl, except dat she slapped my face and said 'Stop covettin me, you pig'. Mea culppa, mea maximma culppa (dat's Lattin, it means 'It's a fair cop, I dunnit all rihgt, officer', and Cathlics says dat a lot). I got demons tormentin my sole, and I reppents."

I dont believe most of dem confesions of Bosco's although it is true dat my boots is a bit sticky, and dis creature what I thought was Bosco's pet hamster reely aint very lively. Here she is.



Grate-Anti Moly has gone out now, she says dat Bosco is drivin her mad wiv his confesions, and still dey go on. He says he is repsonsible for the Irish Potatto Fammine cos he got hunggry and ate all de potattoes. He is worried dat de police is gonna find out dat he is reely Jack de Ripper. Now he says dat it was him wot burnt de cakes and not King Alfred. Also he murderred Hamlet's father, and pinned de blame on Claudeus.

All rihgt Bosco darlin bruvver I will nuss you back to health, so dat you can go back to writtin your blogg and bein saved. Also Father Eel de Nutters of de Cathlic Emrggency Confesion Task Force have said dat you can stop confesin now, just say 200 Heil Marrys and you is forgivven. Den you can go back to bein a sinner as usaul.

Well I doesnt want to disturb Bosco in his fraggile state of health, but we has to be on de alertt for iddolatry, and here is somefink dat I saw on de TV, it was probbaly a religgious program. He's an uggly lookin saint aint he?

Bosco is concused

Ullo Bosco, my derest bruvver, you go and have a lie-down while I explanes what happened today.

We got Grate-Ant Molly settled in a room wiv a winder overlookin de rode, so dat if anyone came past she could go out and screem abbuse at dem, dis is called a hobby. We also got wirless internet, so she can keep up wiv de discussions on de bloggs. Dere is some scandle involvin Joanne Hairy, de chap what came and interviwed Bosco, and dis means dat Grate-Ant Molly needs to pick on all de Cathlics on de blogg and call dem names, dis is called inteliggent debate.

Well, Bosco was in de front gardden getting ready to kiss an ornnament dat we put there. It is Saint Peter de fisherman and here he is.



Suddenly a lapptop computter came flyin out of de winder of Anti Molly's room, together with a screem of "Lies! All lies! I was never banned!"

Bosco was underneeth, and got concused. From then on, he have been behavin very strangley... I don't mean his normal ecentricties, much worse. He said he had been a sinnful person and wanted to confess and get absollution. Dis is what Cathlics do (in de Calumny Chappel we knows dat we is saved and so dere is no need to worry about sins). So he went off to see Father X. O'Cise who lives neerby.

About five hours later I gotta phone call, "Dis is Fr O'Cise, can you come and colect Bosco, he is confessin his sins, and so far have only got up to de age of 9 months when he frew his teddy bare out of de pram sayin it was an iddle. I cant take any more of dis."

Bein a good bruvver I brought Bosco home (Anti Molly had gone out to buy gin). He is still concused as he says he wants to apollogise for tryin to kill me. I fink he's confussed as I certainly aint notissed him killin me.

Here is de first iddle dat Bosco tried to desstroy when he was a luvly baby.