How well do you know the liturgy?

We have decided to help out the Tablet staff, who have been having trouble with their questionnaire on the new translation of the Mass, perhaps because many of them are not regular church-goers. Accordingly, we provide another quiz, this time to test readers' knowledge of the new translation.

Tablet staff studying an English missal.

1. If the priest says "The Lord be with you," what is 
the correct response? 
(a) Thank you.
(b) And with your spirit.
(c) Look, poor old Granny Pepinster's late, she must have 
overslept again, and... oh he's started.

2. Which action do you do when making a Confession?
(a) Slap your head, and say "D'oh, I got it wrong again!"
(b) Beat your breast and say "Through my most grievous fault." 
(c) Scratch your back and say "Gosh, these pews are uncomfortable!"

Mea culpa!

3. Which is it?
(a) Circumstantial like the Father.
(b) Consubstantial with the Father.
(c) Confidential to the Father.

4. Lord I am not worthy that... Which?
(a) I should climb onto Your roof.
(b) You should enter under my roof.
(c) I should fall off the roof.

Unworthy people.

5. Go forth, the Mass is... What?
(a) Running late.
(b) Ended.
(c) Cancelled.

6. You may occasionally hear some Latin. Which of these is 
a Latin phrase?
(a) Elena Curti.
(b) Agnus Dei.
(c) San Diego.

Top scores so far: Clifford Longley 3, Ed Stourton 2, Chris Patten 1.

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Late News.

After rumours that both the Dandy and Tablet comics would be forced to close through falling subscriptions, it has just been announced that they will merge.

Your new Danlet will continue to feature those much-loved comic characters who have given us so many hours of fun. For example, we shall still be able to read the hilarious exploits of that distinguished historian:

Desperate Duffy,

and that expert on religion, society and human flourishing*:

Beattie the Peril.

Available at the back of the church, now!

*Having fun.

Tabloid survey on the new Mass translation

Not to be taken more than once a year.

Hello there, we at the Tabloid are conducting a totally impartial survey on the new translation of the liturgy (or "New Mass" as we call it). Please choose an option from each of the following.

1. The liturgy reached perfection in...
(a) 1973, when we finally got rid of Latin forever;
(b) 2011, when we introduced a rubbish translation with 
hard words in it;
(c) it will never reach perfection until Paul Inwood is 
given a free hand.

2. Which of the following do you prefer...
(a) "And also with you," friendly and polite;
(b) "And with your spirit," because I'm a pompous old fogey;
(c) "Yeah, right, mate, whatever."

3. When you say "...through my fault, through my fault, 
through my most grievous fault" do you...
(a) strike your breast, like a foolish old traddy;
(b) grin, knowing that the words are not to be taken literally;
(c) our priest skips this bit and we do a liturgical dance instead.

It was YOUR most grievous fault. Got that?

4. How well does the priest manage to say the new 
Eucharistic Prayers... 
(a) he gets them wrong, and corrects himself;
(b) he uses the old prayers because he is imbued with 
the spirit of Vatican II;
(c) he uses his own words ("mug" instead of "chalice" and 
"OK, there's coffee next door" instead of "Go forth, the 
Mass is ended."

Just as good as a "chalice."

5. How often do you see people around you in the pews still 
struggling to follow the new text? 
(a) always, with cries of "Help! What does 'consubstantial' 
mean, again?"
(b) never, because they still say the old one;
(c) er, we've not had anyone attending Mass since the 1970s. 

6. Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof?
(a) Oh yes I am;
(b) Oh no I'm not;
(c) What does this question mean, anyway?

7. Latin is the work of...
(a) the Devil;
(b) the Pope, whom we must resist at all costs;
(c) Julius Caesar, but what's he got to do with the Mass?

It's all his fault.

8.Are you reading the Tabloid because you are...
(a) an escaped lunatic;
(b) a layman in good standing;
(c) a miserable deacon who likes insulting people;
(d) a go-ahead liberal priest;
(e) a bishop/archbishop/cardinal;
(f) the Pope, Hans Küng, or someone of equal status?

Takin de collectoin

Bosco dressed up as a nun to go to de Cathlic churhc, as part of his cunning plan to grab de collectoin. Dat was to stop it goin to dem costume holly men what is all pevrets.

We bruoght along wiv us some more spirritaul poeple from de Calumny Chappel to give Bosco morral suport as he entered de dreadful place full of unsaved poeple. Dese freinds of ours doesnt dress up as clowns, Jessus has told dem dat dey is banananas.



I walks in wiv Bosco and has a little chat wiv de old guy at de back givin out de hynmbooks.

"Ullo, buster," says I. "I is a saved pusson what has been fished out of a deep pit by Jessus, and is washed clean. I was a misserable sinner but now I is a heavenly bein. Praise de Lord, buster."
"Dat must be very nice for you," says de old guy. "Take a coppy of de new litturgy. It have been transslated again, to get rid of de Bibblical bits wot we Cathlics didnt like. Dont forgit to kiss de gravven immages as you goes in."

Bosco also explanes dat he wuold like to take de collectoin. "Dat's very kind of you, sister," says de old man. "Wot you does is get de punters to put money in dis plate, den you brings it up to de front, and de preist grabs it and uses it to buy whisky."

De time for taking collectoin was durin a hynm, and I was watchin Bosco as he got de widdows to put in dere cash. "Dat aint enuogh, sister!" he said to a little old lady. "Turn out your handbagg. And dat's a mighty fine golden chane you is wearin, we'll have dat as well. Better to go to Heaven wiv no chane, than to end up in de Lake of Fire wiv a golden chane."

So Bosco collected a record amount for Cathlic charittable causes (de costume holly man's whisky fund).



He managed to conceal de loot in his pew, plannin to take it out wiv him at de end. But in de Cathlic service dere is a place where de costume holly man says "We now gonna share de peace wiv our neihgbors," and you gotta shake hands wiv all de people nearby even if dey aint saved.

Bosco he was claspin hands wiv de girls in de row in front and dey was tryin to stop him claspin uvver parts of dere boddies, when he got hit very hard in de back, and a strange man behind him said "Oi! Give us de peace, clown, or I'll beat yer up!"



"Oh yeah?" says Bosco. "Here, want me to do de Vulcan Death gripp of peace, you loser?" and he knokced de strange man down to the gruond. "Rest in peace," said my bruvver Bosco, I fink he got a little confussed over dis new litturgy.

Well, Bosco escapped from de churhc wivvout too many wuonds dis time, but he didnt get to take de collectoin wiv him, so I guess de costume holly man must have got it after all.