All bishops asked to leave Britain

Following the Vatican's issuing of marching orders to Cardinal O'Brien, it was announced today that the entire "Magic Circle" of British bishops (apart from Davies and Egan, apparently) has been given 24 hours to leave the country.

"Now, I've asked all the usual suspects to assemble here."

It is said that Pope Francis is unhappy with various aspects of the bishops' conduct, such as their disregard of orthodox teaching, their encouragement of heresy, and their toleration of blasphemous Masses.

Heresy? All I want to do is rewrite Catholic teaching from scratch.

It is not yet clear where the bishops will be sent to, but our inside sources (Twitter) suggest:

Nichols: North Korea; Conry: Iran; Burns: Afghanistan; Murphy-O'Connor: Libya.

The nuncio, Archbishop Mennini, is said to be very relieved at the expulsion of the bishops, saying, "Since there are so few scandals in those dioceses which are sede vacante, it is clear that most bishops just get in the way. Maybe now we can get down to reviving orthodox Catholicism."

"Our flight should be boarding soon."

Who is papabile?

Since today sees my last chance to post before the election of a new Pope, here is an assortment of cardinals who may be considered "papabile."

Two cardinals (L) and two traffic cones (R).

The first hurdle the electors will have to overcome is to avoid electing a traffic cone by mistake, even though they strongly resemble cardinals (see above). As anyone who has ever wandered round a school, university or shopping mall will testify, traffic cones are to be seen in the most unlikely places; so there will probably be several lying around the Sistine Chapel. However, no traffic cone has ever been elected Pope - the story of Pope Cone is simply a medieval legend.

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Cardinal Turkson assures Chris Huhne that Jesus will bear his speeding points as well as his sins.

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An alternative to Cardinal Turkson is Cardinal Dolan, the laughing cardinal (H/T Mundabor).

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I know a fat old card'nal, he's always on our street.
A fat and jolly red-faced man, he really is a treat
He's too kind for a cardinal, he's never known to frown,
And everybody says he is the happiest man in town.

CHORUS: A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

He laughs upon confessions, he laughs when saying prayers,
He laughs at every passer-by who simply stops and stares.
He never can stop laughing, he says he never tried
But once he exorcised a man, and laughed until he cried.

CHORUS.

So if you chance to meet him, processing down the aisle,
Just kiss him on his fat old hand and give him a big smile:
His eyes will beam and sparkle, he'll gurgle with delight,
And then you'll start him laughing with all his blessed might.

CHORUS.

Ooo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

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Say the black, do the red - Cardinal Zuhlsdorf's coat of arms.

The great Fr Z. is already in Rome, just in case the call comes; however, so far he hasn't found a Latin-speaking taxi-driver to take him to the Vatican. Fr Z. has already updated his coat of arms in anticipation of being made a cardinal, but will he make it to Pope as well? Frankly, this may be something of an outside shot, but an armed Pope-blogger who knows where to get good coffee may be just what the Catholic church needs at this time.

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Even more of an outside shot is Keith O'Brien.

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We should not forget Cardinal Ouellet, who has been adopted by Eccles. Unfortunately, he has returned most of Eccles's generous gifts - spare socks, tins of baked beans, and CDs of the Goon Show - but, since it rains a lot in Rome, he has kept the umbrella and the Ouellet boots (geddit?)

It raineth upon the just and the unjust. (Matthew 5:45)

Admittedly, he has slipped from 8-1 to 10-1 odds since Eccles took up his cause.

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There are several other cardinals in the running, mostly with Italian names, such as Scola, Bertone, Odone, Ravioli, etc., but the one with the strongest chances is surely Cardinal Furretti (H/T Sister Fortis of Blogfen).

Cardinal Furretti, putting the "cat" in "Catholic."

Like traffic cones, cats get everywhere, and this one should have no trouble entering the Sistine Chapel through the cat-flap (preferably not carrying a dead mouse). If elected, will take the title of Pope Felix V.

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In fact there has been a certain amount in the news about people attempting to gatecrash the conclave by dressing up as cardinals. Some of the following are probably not genuine cardinals - in any case, they should not be elected Pope.

Conrad Black.

Michael Palin.

Some of the cardinals are considered to be too young to be papabile this time.

Finally, if the Catholic Church is looking for a saved Pope, with his own blog, read by at least three people every week, then a certain newly-arrived Cardinal may still be in with good chances.

Vote for Cardinal Eccles!

Britain's bishops lose their AAA credibility rating

The Catholic Church in the UK was in crisis today, as it was revealed that the Vatican had decided to downgrade its bishops' AAA credibility rating to a lowly CCC.

Bishop Tom Burns: sometimes a card, but never a cardinal.

Several factors had contributed to this lack of confidence in the British bishops, starting with some rebellious comments from Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Kieran Conry, and culminating in a deranged outburst from Bishop Burns.

Kiero fiddles while Tom Burns.

Indeed, Tommy Burns, of the People's Republic of Menevia - a socialist state that somehow escaped the collapse of communism in 1990 - courageously took the opportunity of the Pope's retirement to put forward his own views on Catholicism. Had he expressed such opinions in 2008, it would probably have prevented his promotion from Bishop of the Farces to Bishop of Menevia.

Bishop Burns told the Tablet, a well-known organ of Protestantism: "Conservatism has had its day. It doesn’t work. Despite all Benedict’s efforts, the Church is losing its place in society." Bishop Burns rightly considers that a "place in society" is very important, and he is definitely miffed because he misses out on so many social events.

A Royal Garden Party. Alas, no Tommy Burns!

In a moment of sudden self-awareness, Burns called for a "root and-branch review of the method of appointing bishops." It is thought that he was apprehensive that a lunatic with a totally absurd view of Catholicism might end up being appointed to a diocese such as Menevia.

Annoy the Pope and win an evening out with Tina Beattie.

As a side-effect of his meltdown, Tom Burns is now a hot favourite to win the Tablet's new prize competition, Annoy the Pope and win an evening out with Tina Beattie. However, expert opinion suggests that a whole evening with the biggest bore in modern British Catholicism may be more than even he can stomach.

Keith O'Brien dances with Flora McHaggis.

Meanwhile, in Scotland, another contestant for the Tablet's prize, Cardinal Keith O'Brien, has made it clear that he has "no plans to marry" Miss Flora McHaggis, a leading piper, even if a new Pope is elected who would permit him to do so. "But I'd like the option," he explained.

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Pope Who?

In other news, speculation is growing as to which name the next Pope will take. According to a recent poll, the current front-runners are:

1. Cormac;
2. Kieran;
3. Tom;

"Doubting" Tom calls for a root and-branch review of the method of appointing apostles.

4. Hans;
5. John-Paul, John, Paul, or Paul-John;
6. George-Ringo;
7. Damian;

St Damian cured this dog of a cupcake addiction.

8. Z;
9. Eccles (saved);
10. Ye.

Pope Ye: he (also) hath shown strength with his arm.

A modest proposal

In a last-ditch attempt to make the Conservative party more "liberal," "inclusive," "modern," and "popular," David Cameron announced today that the Coalition was planning to implement an old policy, first suggested in 1729 by Fr Jonathan Swift, whereby it would become legal to eat children.

David Cameron and Barack Obama exchange cooking tips.

"Of course we shall engage in a full consultation," explained the Prime Minister, "before ignoring its results and going ahead with this policy. In an age of equality and diversity, we feel that the cannibal community should be granted full dietary rights."

Already condemnation has come in from the more traditionalist church leaders, who claim that the new legislation would offend what they quaintly call their "moral principles." This has not gone down well with liberal organizations, such as the cannibal rights organization Bonemaul, which recently awarded its "Bigot of the year" award to Archbishop Keith O'Brien.

Giles Fraser - received a special award from Bonemaul.

Other church leaders were quick - well, slow, actually - to follow suit, and eventually even Vincent Nichols was forced to take notice. The Westminster diocese has long had a tradition of holding special masses for cannibals, and it is thought that the Nuncio is unhappy with this.

Learning that churches would be forbidden from serving meat sourced from homo sapiens, we are awaiting a statement from Giles Fraser, the socialist who appears on Thought for the Day whenever the BBC needs someone to discredit Christianity; it is hoped by many that he will be prepared to go to prison on the issue of equal rights for cannibals.

Could this be Giles Fraser's next parish?

Meanwhile, the Conservative party has not received the boost in popularity that it expected when it announced its plans for cannibalism. David Cameron himself has long been a champion of "family values" and he is said to be very surprised that this new legislation should be regarded as an attack on the integrity of the family.

Fr Swift - an inspiration to modern liberal thinkers.

Same-sex marriage preparation

Dave and Nick on their wedding day.

Hello, I'm Father Pat, and you must be Dave and Nick, eh? I'm so glad that you could drop round for some pre-marriage instruction. Since it became the law that churches must marry any couple requesting it (human rights, wasn't it?) we've been welcoming all sorts of people. You're very much in love, aren't you?

Dave: Yes, it was love at first sight. We began with a simple coalition, but now we want to go the whole way.

Pat: And what do your families think?

Nick: Well, mine are mostly supportive. Dave's family is more traditionally-minded, though. There's Auntie Maggie for one. I don't think she'll be leaving us much in her will!

Uncle Norman won't be coming to the wedding.

Pat: Now, the church has put together a marriage service for you, as we had no real choice, once the police had shot Cardinal O'Brien and Lord Carey. There are some really fine Biblical readings here.

Dave: Yes, I'm a little unhappy about Genesis 19, describing the fall of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Pat: Oh, all weddings have this now, so you're not being discriminated against.

Mrs Lot, an unfortunate wedding guest.

Nick: Also, the reading from Matthew 19. Do we have to have the bit where Christ says that marriage is between a man and a woman?

Pat: I'm afraid so. Also Romans 1, where St Paul gives us a pep talk on morality. Now tell me, are you planning to have children?

Dave: Oh I do hope so. I came from a large family myself. I had nine brothers, and what tearaways we were, eh? Especially Boris.

Ten very naughty children.

Nick: Yes, they drank too much and then did a lot of damage - trashing schools, hospitals, universities, railways, banks,... But in the end, Dave always knew that he'd pay for it.

Pat: Well, that's water under the bridge now. Let me show you a photo from a wedding I conducted last week.

You may now kiss the bride.

Dave: I think I can handle that part. Of course the bit we're really nervous about is the honeymoon afterwards.

The honeymoon.

Pat: So romantic.

Nick: We see ourselves as a modern Romeo and Julian.

Dave: Or Tristan and Isidore.

Nick: Or Napoleon and Joseph.

Booming Voice: PATRICIA! AREN'T YOU FINISHED YET?

Pat: Blimey, it's the missus. O.K. we'd better end now.

New Bond Film praised by Vatican

The new James Bond film, Stonefall, has been praised in enthusiastic terms by the Vatican: indeed, it is believed that the Pope has already watched it three times.

The film features agent Keith O'Brien - also known as O.O.Brien - who is sent on a dangerous mission by his boss, codenamed "B," who replaced the previous head, "J.P.," about seven years ago.

Agent O.O.Brien. Note the radio transmitter disguised as a pectoral cross.

Before starting his mission, O.O.Brien goes to see the eccentric Cardinal Q, who provides him with a Biretta 418, a bullet-proof cope, and a supply of truth drug for extracting Confessions. He also equips him with a large crozier, which can be used as a sword-stick.

Q demonstrates the use of the sword-stick.

O.O.Brien is sent to confront the sinister Stonefall, an organization which aims to break up society from within by destroying the institution of marriage. The mysterious Rosa Klegg is allied with them, having already infiltrated the British Government, and following her lead they refer to all their enemies as "By-Gods." O.O.Brien is soon Enemy Number One as far as Stonefall is concerned.

Rosa Klegg, Head of Operations for LIBDEM.

One twist in the plot is that Giles "The Vicar" Fraser, first thought to be working for the allied organization COE, turns out to be on the side of Stonefall, and against the By-Gods.

Well, in the end O.O.Brien lives to fight another day, but his adventures are not over, as it then turns out that another evil organization called T.A.B.L.E.T. is directly threatening "B" himself.

"B," change your teaching on abortion, divorce, and same-sex marriage or T.A.B.L.E.T. will destroy your missal-guidance systems. Oh, and has anyone seen my white cat?

Warning: not suitable for children under the age of 16.

Honours flood in for Giles Fraser

After his wonderful Hero of the Year award from Stonewall - their most coveted award actually going to Cardinal Keith O'Brien for his defence of traditional marriage - other distinguished organizations have rushed to honour the BBC's Giles Fraser.

Giles Fraser: "Totally and utterly delighted, proud and made up."

First off the mark was the Dawkins Foundation, which, in awarding Fraser their Atheist of the year medal, explained, "Whenever Giles opens his mouth on Thought for the Day, hundreds of Christians either shoot themselves, or turn atheist. Seeing a priest of the Established Church whose religious beliefs are so vague does wonders for our cause."

"Dear Dr Fraser, you've probably never heard of me, but I am a great admirer of yours."

Another, less welcome, tribute came in from the Jimmy Savile Fan Club, whose motto is Nunc tunc, nunc tunc (Now then, now then!) "Were Jimmy alive today," they said, "we are sure that he would be an admirer of Giles Fraser. Dr Fraser is one of the stars of the BBC."

Jimmy Savile, himself, was willing to mix with the dregs of society.

Finally, the Society of Saint Judas Iscariot (SSJI), a breakaway Christian sect which believes that Judas should not be blamed, as he was only doing God's will, has also paid tribute to Giles Fraser. "He's only doing God's will," they said today.

Judas, a regular speaker on Thought for the Day.

Shocking claim about Sir Jimmy Savile

A new documentary about the late disc jockey and television personality, Sir Jimmy Savile, makes the shocking claim that Sir Jimmy engaged in activities that the BBC would normally condemn in the strongest possible terms. Yes, he was a Catholic.

An incriminating picture of Sir Jimmy and "Keith."

Said a BBC spokesman, "We at the BBC knew nothing of his secret life as a Catholic. We naturally assumed that he was atheist in good standing, otherwise we would never have employed him. But it seems that he got up to some very questionable activities in his spare time."

A model BBC employee.

Details are only now emerging of the sordid lifestyle enjoyed by Sir Jimmy. On a Sunday he would sneak into a sinister building known as a "church," where a man dressed in absurd clothes would conduct a ritual known to the initiated as a "Mass." Sir Jimmy would sometimes take part in carnal pursuits such as the "kiss of peace," and would sing songs with politically incorrect lyrics about some character called "God."

Another model BBC employee.

Sometimes, it is alleged, Sir Jimmy attended a ceremony called "Confession," where he tried to shock another Catholic by relating disgusting stories about his life, in which he had attempted to "Fix it" for many innocent victims.

Rumours that Sir Jimmy was a Catholic began to circulate at the time of his funeral. Said one commentator, "When I saw his coffin being taken into Leeds Cathedral, to be received by a man wearing a funny hat, I knew that something was up."

Sir Jimmy's coffin, being received by a man in a funny hat.

As a result of our investigations, we can confirm that the "man in the funny hat" was none other than "Bishop" Arthur Roche, now believed to be in hiding in Rome. Already, there are calls for Sir Jimmy to be posthumously stripped of his knighthood on account of his Catholic habits. There are many precedents for this, mostly dating from the 16th century.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 11

Continued from Chapter 10

1. So Richard entered into the evening of his life, that is, the days of his retirement.

2. And his wife Lalla spake unto him, saying, "Richard, thou hast served thy genes well. Now is the time to take it easy, to sit on the sofa and watch Countdown."

3. "Or we could go down to the Darby and Joan Club and play Bingo; or we could travel afar and see my relatives on Gallifrey, such as the Meddling Monk, Morbius, and the Valeyard."

Morbius, a distant relative of Mrs Dawkins

4. But Richard said, "Nay, my work is not yet done. For example, I have to minister over my website, dawkins.egotrip.net, that which is banned in Turkey, because it dares to say the unsayable."

5. For Richard had bravely mocked the Prophet Mohammed, hinting that he was not the sort of person who would be welcome on High Table at New College, Oxford. And this did not go down too well with the Turks.

This town ain't big enough for two prophets

6. After this humiliation at the hands of the Turks, Richard was wrathful, saying, "How is it that I, who wrote a thesis about chickens, am not idolized in Turkey?"

7. And the worshippers at the shrine of Dawkins laughed heartily at Richard's brilliant pun, saying "ROFL" and "LOL."

8. Which, being translated, means "O Richard, not only do you have the wisdom of Solomon, but you also have the comic genius of a Groucho Marx."

Richard, from the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

9. Then it came to pass that Richard had an even more strikingly brilliant idea, which would bring him great fame, and lead to increased sales for his books.

10. "I SHALL ARREST THE POPE," he said.

11. "For he is guilty of crimes against humanity, because he refuses to bow his knee at the shrine of Dawkins."

Probably drinking the blood of sweet furry kittens

12. "Indeed, this international gang-leader cometh to Great Britain soon, to meet his criminal associates, 'Vicious' Vince Nichols, Keith 'The Hat' O'Brien, and 'Fingers' Murphy-O'Connor."

13. "I have discovered that they are going to dig up the loot stashed away by John Henry 'Gerontius' Newman."

"Gerontius" Newman, the 19th century gangster

14. "And when the Pope appears, I shall arise and grab his collar, saying 'Ullo, ullo, ullo, what's all this then?' and 'You're nicked, sunshine.' Then I shall say unto him, 'I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station'."

15. "And the Pope will reply unto me saying 'It's a fair cop, guv'nor. I dunnit all right. Pax vobiscum.'"

Richard Dawkins prepares to arrest the Pope

16. But in fact things did not quite work out according to plan.

Continued in Chapter 12.