The diary of a nobody

June 4th. Represented Ballydancer in a hurling match. The aim was to hurl as many insults at the Vatican as possible in 90 minutes. I managed to keep ranting for the whole period without taking a breath. "Well done, Father Flummery!" said the spectators.

Ladies' hurling. Of course the Vatican wants to stop it.

June 5th: Still in a state of open warfare with the Vatican. Went to the Ballydancer post office to collect my mail - they won't deliver it to the house since I poured a plate of Irish stew over the postman, mistaking him for my bishop.

My letter of complaint to Pope Benedict has been returned, marked "Gone away!" Apparently there's a new pope, called Francis. They kept that one a secret didn't they? I expect they did that to confuse me and my secret society CRAP - The Catholic Revolutionary Association of Priests.

The new Pope (in front, with giant fish). But nobody told Tony Flummery, did they?

June 6th: Read the Tablet. Very good, as is the National Catholic Reporter. They're taking up my case against the Vatican. "Justice for Flummery!" suggested that nice woman, Catherine Peppermint. They also suggest writing to Basil Loftus, who can always be relied on to say something to irritate Catholics.

June 7th: I am a great admirer of Enda Life, our Taoiseach, so I went into the street with a banner "Enda Life for Jesus." Enda's a fine Gael, the finest you ever saw. My brother Frankenstein works for him, you know. At the moment we are all campaigning for lots of lovely abortion in Ireland - if that doesn't annoy Pope Benedict Francis, I don't know what else will!

Enda Kenny plays "When Irish eyes are smiling" on a giant tin of shoe-polish.

June 8th: Spent the day working on my latest book, Judas Iscariot - the first rebel against the Vatican. The man was an inspiration to us all.

June 9th (Sunday): Said Mass at Ballydancer. It seems that there is a new translation of the Missal. It's terrible. I got as far as "consubstantial with the Father" and then fell to the ground in a fit, foaming at the mouth. It seems that I'll be spending next week in the Ballydancer Infirmary. I'll bet that the Vatican doesn't send anyone round with grapes.

Someone fixed this to my hospital bed! I suspect the CDF.

No gossip please!

Galilee, AD 32. The Man known as "Our Lord" has spoken out against the temptations to gossip: it is believed that He was referring particularly to recent work by those well-known religious bloggers Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

St Matthew the blogger, with another scoop.

Several news items first revealed in religious blogs are known to have irritated Our Lord. For example, St Matthew posted an in-depth investigation of His ancestry, tracing it back to King David - his blog post "Jesus the Toff" is considered to be in bad taste, challenging as it does Our Lord's claims to be born of quite humble origins, and certainly not as well-off as, say, Owen Jones.

Another gossipy post "What happened to the gold?" reveals that Our Lord's father accepted gifts from three wise men on His behalf, and promptly decamped to Egypt in order to avoid having to declare them on his tax return - ironically, he was only in Bethlehem for tax reasons in the first place.

The Magi Circle - is their loot now in an Egyptian bank vault?

St Luke the blogger is also known to have offended Our Lord, by tactlessly revealing details of the famous "Jerusalem" incident, when He was 12 years old and played truant. It was claimed that He was found three days later, asking questions of some mysterious "doctors" in the temple.

Even St John the blogger, who is generally regarded as being particularly close to Our Lord, has not scrupled to spread gossip about Him. Most recently, Our Lord has been accused of stealing a donkey and riding it into Jerusalem. Some people have also been shocked to learn that He washed His associates' feet. (It seems that He did not wash any women's feet, because it is generally considered unchivalrous to suggest that a woman's feet are dirty...)

Is this linked with the vandalism of a row of palm trees?

Other church leaders have repeated Our Lord's criticism of gossip. Most recently, Archbishop Judas Iscariot has preached a sermon condemning religious blogs. Some malicious bloggers have retaliated by suggesting that ++Judas has something to hide - for example, there are persistent rumours of dodgy financial transactions involving a sum of as much as 30 pieces of silver.

Two wealthy Arabs, in traditional costume, watch events with interest.

As St Mark, another leading blogger, put it, "Writing blogs is generally thought to be a sure way to get on the fast track to sainthood. But if it is going to be condemned at the highest level, then I may give it up, and take to travelling. I've always wanted to see Alexandria."

Alexandria: disillusioned bloggers visit the lighthouse.

Honours flood in for Giles Fraser

After his wonderful Hero of the Year award from Stonewall - their most coveted award actually going to Cardinal Keith O'Brien for his defence of traditional marriage - other distinguished organizations have rushed to honour the BBC's Giles Fraser.

Giles Fraser: "Totally and utterly delighted, proud and made up."

First off the mark was the Dawkins Foundation, which, in awarding Fraser their Atheist of the year medal, explained, "Whenever Giles opens his mouth on Thought for the Day, hundreds of Christians either shoot themselves, or turn atheist. Seeing a priest of the Established Church whose religious beliefs are so vague does wonders for our cause."

"Dear Dr Fraser, you've probably never heard of me, but I am a great admirer of yours."

Another, less welcome, tribute came in from the Jimmy Savile Fan Club, whose motto is Nunc tunc, nunc tunc (Now then, now then!) "Were Jimmy alive today," they said, "we are sure that he would be an admirer of Giles Fraser. Dr Fraser is one of the stars of the BBC."

Jimmy Savile, himself, was willing to mix with the dregs of society.

Finally, the Society of Saint Judas Iscariot (SSJI), a breakaway Christian sect which believes that Judas should not be blamed, as he was only doing God's will, has also paid tribute to Giles Fraser. "He's only doing God's will," they said today.

Judas, a regular speaker on Thought for the Day.

Pope admits he is envious of Hans Küng

After the astonishing claim by Professor Hans Küng that the Pope envies him because of the books he has written, we felt it only reasonable to allow the Pope the right of reply. The results were startling.

Hans Küng, with some of the books he has written.

"Yes, I admit it," said the Pope sadly. "I am envious of Professor Küng in many ways. For example, when I write a book, I have to make sure that what it says is consistent with traditional Catholic teaching, and ultimately the words of Jesus Christ and his disciples. Indeed, I expect some sort of inspiration and guidance from the Holy Spirit. Young Hans is under no such constraints, and is allowed to put down the first bit of Koddsvollop that comes into his head, no matter how ludicrous. And he usually does."

The Pope went on to say that he understood that Küng's writings were very popular, although he hadn't got round to reading the latest best-selling book "The Return of the Küng," in which Arrogant is crowned Küng of Gonmad, in spite of having some very bad hobbits. "It is true that even my own bishops don't seem to be reading my encyclicals, so I do despair sometimes," Pope Benedict added.

Arrogant, Küng of Gonmad

"I also envy Hans that two-metre high statue of himself, which he keeps in his garden and worships every day," continued the Holy Father. "For subtle theological reasons, which Hans would not understand, I am not allowed to do the same, and have to content myself with worshipping Jesus, and venerating Mary and the other saints."

We raised the subject of infallibility with the Pope. "Yes, I envy Hans his infallibility," agreed Pope Benedict. "I am only allowed to make infallible statements under very strictly controlled conditions, to do with defining doctrine about faith or morals. Hans, on the other hand, wears a tee-shirt saying 'TRUST ME, I'M INFALLIBLE,' and there doesn't seem to be much we can do to disillusion the poor chap."

Hans Küng discusses the faith with his many disciples.

So, in brief, it seems that Hans Küng was right, the Pope is slightly envious of him in many ways. But great religious thinkers such as Judas Iscariot, Arius and Küng often inspire jealousy in their less-successful rivals, so this is only to be expected.

Bosco's money aint saved

Well, Bosco my dere bruvver, I is very unhappy dat you didnt get $100,000,000 as a leggasy from Jessus, even thuogh it was promissed you by Mrs Condi Gulible of Jordan's Bank. In fact dey seem to have taken most of de money out of your bank account as a commision, leavin you just 30 silver dollars (dat makes you just like your grate herro St Judas Iscarrot).

Anyway Bosco have got hisself a new finnancial adviser who gonna help him track down de missin leggasy from Jessus. Here he is:



Alass, we has been too busy wiv dis probblem to deal with other maters, such as de Bibble classes ect. but Bosco my dere you should not rellent in your endless pursuit of gravven imagges, and here is one dat I fink is partickerly worryin, as it looks like a Maddona and Child, dem Cathlics bin worshippin dis I am sure, Bosco.