The diary of a nobody

June 4th. Represented Ballydancer in a hurling match. The aim was to hurl as many insults at the Vatican as possible in 90 minutes. I managed to keep ranting for the whole period without taking a breath. "Well done, Father Flummery!" said the spectators.

Ladies' hurling. Of course the Vatican wants to stop it.

June 5th: Still in a state of open warfare with the Vatican. Went to the Ballydancer post office to collect my mail - they won't deliver it to the house since I poured a plate of Irish stew over the postman, mistaking him for my bishop.

My letter of complaint to Pope Benedict has been returned, marked "Gone away!" Apparently there's a new pope, called Francis. They kept that one a secret didn't they? I expect they did that to confuse me and my secret society CRAP - The Catholic Revolutionary Association of Priests.

The new Pope (in front, with giant fish). But nobody told Tony Flummery, did they?

June 6th: Read the Tablet. Very good, as is the National Catholic Reporter. They're taking up my case against the Vatican. "Justice for Flummery!" suggested that nice woman, Catherine Peppermint. They also suggest writing to Basil Loftus, who can always be relied on to say something to irritate Catholics.

June 7th: I am a great admirer of Enda Life, our Taoiseach, so I went into the street with a banner "Enda Life for Jesus." Enda's a fine Gael, the finest you ever saw. My brother Frankenstein works for him, you know. At the moment we are all campaigning for lots of lovely abortion in Ireland - if that doesn't annoy Pope Benedict Francis, I don't know what else will!

Enda Kenny plays "When Irish eyes are smiling" on a giant tin of shoe-polish.

June 8th: Spent the day working on my latest book, Judas Iscariot - the first rebel against the Vatican. The man was an inspiration to us all.

June 9th (Sunday): Said Mass at Ballydancer. It seems that there is a new translation of the Missal. It's terrible. I got as far as "consubstantial with the Father" and then fell to the ground in a fit, foaming at the mouth. It seems that I'll be spending next week in the Ballydancer Infirmary. I'll bet that the Vatican doesn't send anyone round with grapes.

Someone fixed this to my hospital bed! I suspect the CDF.

I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic

With apologies, once again, to Gilbert and Sullivan.

All join in the singing, please.

I am the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic,
I teach that faith before the 1960s was dia-bo-lic.
The services in Latin we rewrote in the vernacular,
With errors in translation that were really quite spectacular.
We threw out all that chanting in the style known as Gregorian -
It's really just of interest to a dusty old historian!
No ancient hymns we now allow - of classics we won't have any -
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Chorus: 
Instead, we sing "Shine, Jesus Shine" and Inwood's new cacophony!

Paul Inwood discovers that Bishop Egan won't need him when he's 64.

We tore down all the altars and we put in common kitchen stuff. 
We threw out all the rit-u-als - but did we really ditch enough?
In short we now have services where worshippers at Mass fro-lic, 
According to the model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic.

A liberal Catholic visits a liberal shrine.

I like to read the Tablet, which is edited by Pepinster:
Adored by many bishops, such as Vincent N. of Westminster.
We've Curti, Duffy, Beattie, Stourton, Patten, and Ma Kennedy,
(The last one is a Baroness - for that there is no remedy).
We're very keen on selling all that's best in modern heresy -
The doctrines we support will often shock the modern clerisy.
One thing we cannot stand is any hint of Va-ti-can edict,
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

Chorus:
Which made us very cross with now-Emeritus Pope Benedict.

No space to mention Clifford Longley - sorry, Cliff!

With Francis now in Peter's chair, we'll give support conditional:
We hope he'll change the Church's views, but fear he is traditional.
What Christ and the apostles taught is simply not worth stating now:
We'll soon teach you some newer things, it all requires updating now!

"I'll tell you what to say when I've read the Tablet."

In fact, if you can twist Church teaching like a good contortionist,
And say there's nothing wrong when women visit an abortionist,
If you're prepared for family life and marriage to be redefined,
And marry someone of the same sex/ neither/ both/ or undefined -
Indeed, if you have views on Good and Evil of the haziest,
Which could have been made up just now by any half-wit atheist,
In fact if you reject tradition holy and apos-to-lic,
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

Chorus:
You'll be the very model of a modern liberal Catholic.

She'd make a mighty fine bishop, wouldn't she?

Rewriting scripture makes me feel just like a revolutionist,
But some say I am secular, and just a simple humanist,
Yet still, although my traddy critics say my views are sham-bo-lic,
I'm just the very model of a modern liberal Cath-o-lic!

Evil? No, simply a modernist!

The Da Mian Cod, and others

An excerpt from Dante Brown's new novel Infernal Cheek:

Renowned blood-crazed 50-something Telegraph blog supremo Damian Thompson was standing energetically in Berlin's famous Louvre Museum, at the heart of Piccadilly Square, admiring Michael Angelus's 1504 marble sculpture "David," which portrays the Arabian King David on the point of biting into a cupcake.

David. Note the cupcake in his left hand.

"Cupcakes," thought Damian pensively, meditating in a contemplative fashion on the highly addictive edible foodstuff, whereupon which he had written so movingly in his book on addiction, The Fix, which he himself had written. And this reminded him, it was the day on which the aforementioned memoir on addiction was to be published in paperback (his contacts at the heart of the publishing world had told him that this would be something like a hardback, only with softer covers).

The Fix, in new Hide-de-Vomit^(TM) yellow covers..

Damian had not blogged on addiction recently. His protège (a Latin word meaning "dogsbody"), slightly-renowned 30-something leftie atheist blogger Tom Chivers, had been promoted from his key job of assistant deputy strategic events supremo, a position in which he had been mainly responsible for making the tea, and was now allowed to write the occasional Telegraph column in the Saturday "moron" slot. This in turn freed up more chronological time for Damian, in which he could blog about religious matters from a Catholic - and sometimes papist - viewpoint.

Or - and here Damian crossed himself religiously, making a cross symbol familiar to all Christians since Pope Pius XII - there was another possibility. He could use his blog to plug his terrible book again!

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Father Xylophone writes:

I had a great day today with a Texas military firing squad.

Father X joins the liturgical Firing Squad.

I was delighted when the Texas militia contacted me, saying that an army chaplain had been court-martialled and found guilty of three capital offences, namely, (i) being a liberal; (ii) reading the National Catholic Reporter (aka Fishwrap); and (iii) arguing with me on my blog. The penalty for these was execution by firing squad, and as a priest in good standing who understands the importance of a well-armed priesthood, I was delighted to assist. (Aim at the black cassock, and stain it red, as I always say.)

I had of course been practising my sharp-shooting beforehand, so as not to let the side down by missing the target: the colonel complimented us on the unerring way in which we exercised our liturgical duty, blasting the renegade priest to smithereens.

QUAERITUR: Should one aim for the head, or the heart? Generally, Cannon Law says that one should aim for the head from Advent to Easter, and otherwise aim for the heart.

Don't mess with Fr X, unless you want to end up like this.

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Ordain a Lassie!

A new video has been released by the campaign for the ordination of dogs, called Ordain a Lassie. We do not have space to discuss this in detail, but the campaign is based on the observation that in some churches dogs are already being allowed to act as altar-servers.

"Bark!" the Herald angels sing.

And with your spirit

In which Fr Xylophone analyses a sacred text.

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Caesar adsum jam forte. Brutus aderat. Caesar sic in omnibus. Brutus sic in at.

These words, from the Book of the Prophet Dogrel, are best read in the original Latin; not surprisingly, they are used only in the traditional Roman rite. For the benefit of my more stupid readers, I will translate them as follows: Caesar, I am present now, by chance. Brutus was present. Caesar, thus in all things. And Brutus (is) thus in.

Julius Caesar listens to the word of God. In Latin, of course.

The passage begins as a divine message to Caesar, asserting God's presence. Adsum, adesse, adfui, I want you to learn this verb before our next Mass, as there will be a small test as you come into church. Obviously God has manifested Himself in various ways (cf. Hebrews 1:1: In the past God spoke to our ancestors through the prophets at many times and in various ways), and here He is addressing Caesar, the great-uncle of the man who sent Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem.

It is the "by chance" that brings us up short. I think we must regard this as Divine irony. For He leaves nothing to chance.

God does not play dice.

What are we to make of the next sentence, where Brutus is introduced? Is this the celebrity conspirator, who inspired one of the shortest verses in the Bible: Et tu, Brute? Well possibly: but more probably he symbolises Brutality: the Devil, say, or perhaps the National Catholic Reporter [aka Fishwrap].

So the Lord is telling Caesar that, although He is present, there is Evil present too. The message is repeated again in different words, a literary device known to experts as Repeating again in different words.

This reading reminds us of the importance of God's grace. Without it, we are vulnerable to the attacks of Brutus.

Drop that dagger, Mr Brutus!

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Numinous Nun Tea

For those who say they don't drink coffee [and this is something you would need to mention at Confession, so be careful!] the Numinous Nuns offer their own brand of tea.

A numinous nun serves tea.

Numinous Nun tea is blended by the Little Sisters of the Pot, a traditional Catholic order founded by St Camellia Sinensis. Order yours now!

Do not accept any other tea, especially not the soul-rotting rubbish that is on sale at StarWars.

The President of the StarWars chain of tea shops. Not numinous!