Have we got news for you?

In Scotland, a pro-life doctor, Doctor John Finlay, has been reported to the General Medical Council, the British Medical Association, the National Health Service, the Office of Fair Trading, Which?, CAMRA, OFGAS, Esther Rantzen, George Galloway, the RSPCA, and the RAC for professional malpractice.

Dr Finlay (R) - a pro-life fiend.

Apparently, a woman came into Dr Finlay's surgery with a young baby who was suffering from an ear infection. Dr Finlay, a staunch Catholic, was quite shocked when the lady said "Well, let's just terminate this one, and I'll have another one, with genetically superior ears." Instead he insulted her by dropping some ear drops into the baby's ear, and sending her home.

Should babies with earache be allowed to continue living?

The Edinburgh Pro-Choice Association (joint presidents, William Burke and William Hare) is up in arms at Dr Finlay's religious bigotry. It has vowed to get him thrown out of his profession, and to prevent all shopkeepers and tradesmen from serving him, in the hope that he and his family will do the decent thing and starve to death. "How is the body-snatching industry going to survive if doctors insist on saving lives?" they asked.

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Meanwhile, further turmoil hit the BBC today after the arrest of Bill the Flowerpotman. Mr Flowerpotman is currently under investigation by the police for alleged sexual harassment of Miss Weed on various occasions in the 1960s, although he has consistently claimed that it was his brother Ben who was guilty.

Bill (sex fiend?) and Ben, with Miss Weed, in happier times.

It seems that Mr Flowerpotman was due to chair the next edition of the news quiz game show Have I got news for you? - his verbal skills being considered far superior to those of Ian Hislop and Paul Merton. Hislop, one of the stars of the programme, took time off from thinking of sexual jokes about Catholics for his once-funny magazine Private Eye to comment "Flobadob!" before dissolving into gales of laughter at his own wit.

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Finally, Boston College, the Jesuit University, has confirmed that it will be awarding an honorary degree to Dr Kermit Gosnell, the controversial doctor. "After we awarded one to Enda Kenny, it was a natural step to take," commented a spokesman. "One of our mottoes is Αἰέν ἀριστεύειν (ever to excel) and we look for people who stand out from the crowd, no matter how repulsive they are."

Religioni et Bonis Artibus - but we don't take this too seriously.

Liturgical abuses

QUAERITUR: Our parish priest frequently turns up late for Mass, because he has to finish watching his favourite television programme beforehand. In order to start the service on time he has programmed a rather gloomy robot to say the words for him until he arrives. Is there any problem with this?

"Ego miser et indignus peccator (I think you ought to know I'm a very depressed sinner)."

Father X writes: No, I can't see any problem with that, provided that the real priest takes over before the Gospel is read out.

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QUAERITUR: Although our parish priest turns up on time, he is a rather timid chap with a very dominating mother and two sisters, who insist on correcting him all the time. Last Sunday, he began to say "Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault" and they interrupted him with "Actually, I blame the bishop." Worse, they dress up in the most hideous vestments, evidently wishing that they themselves were priests. What can we do?

Now John always gets the words of the creed wrong, so we'll do it our way.

Father X writes: Never argue with a woman!

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QUAERITUR: Our parish priest is very fond of pizza. Last week he became a little confused, and, evidently thinking he had a supply of bread and wine, he started consecrating a pepperoni pizza and a bottle of diet coke. Were we right to stop him?

At least the priest is wearing a biretta!

Father X writes: It is never right to interrupt a priest, even one who seems to be barking mad.

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QUAERITUR: Our parish priest writes a blog on which he keeps advertising coffee. I drank some of it, and felt very ill afterwards. If I can't trust him to recommend good coffee, how can I trust his interpretations of the Gospels?

Liturgically invalid coffee.

Father X writes: Disgraceful! This is definitely a liturgical abuse. Drink "Mysterious Monk" coffee, guaranteed to kill 99% of all known germs.

Enda gets a knock.

Over now to Knock in Ireland, the site of the National Marian Shrine: and we have a most unusual pilgrim at the airport.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Enda. Enda who? Enda Life.

Eccles: We are indeed fortunate today to have a visit from that most pious of Catholics, Enda Life, the Teashop of Ireland. Especially at a village known for its shrine to the Blessed Virgin Mary, a woman who carried Jesus in her womb and spent 9 months complaining about it. Good morning, Enda. What are your thoughts on arriving at this sacred place?

Enda: Well, I was thinking that the way to solve Ireland's problems is to bring in liberal abortion laws. As a faithful Catholic, I know that this was something very dear to the heart of Mary.

Mary, a figure who has greatly influenced Enda Kenny.

Eccles: Have you discussed this with a priest? If you ask Cardinal Brady politely, he may just be prepared to grant you an interview. I gather that his views are somewhat different.

Enda: Look, am I or am I not allowed to decide for myself what Mary would have wanted? Isn't the Massacre of the Innocents a great Catholic feast?

Eccles: Well, not exactly. You may have got that slightly wrong.

Enda: The great thing about abortion is that it can be used to cure all sorts of unrelated illnesses. Got an infection? Have an abortion. Got a boil on your backside? Have an abortion. Got an ingrowing toenail? Have an abortion. Feeling depressed by the most recent episode of Downton Abbey? Have an abortion.

The Witch of Enda urges Saul to bring in abortion legislation.

Eccles: What if I'm not pregnant?

Enda: Oh just kill a random baby. It doesn't much matter whose. We call it "the protection of life."

All bishops asked to leave Britain

Following the Vatican's issuing of marching orders to Cardinal O'Brien, it was announced today that the entire "Magic Circle" of British bishops (apart from Davies and Egan, apparently) has been given 24 hours to leave the country.

"Now, I've asked all the usual suspects to assemble here."

It is said that Pope Francis is unhappy with various aspects of the bishops' conduct, such as their disregard of orthodox teaching, their encouragement of heresy, and their toleration of blasphemous Masses.

Heresy? All I want to do is rewrite Catholic teaching from scratch.

It is not yet clear where the bishops will be sent to, but our inside sources (Twitter) suggest:

Nichols: North Korea; Conry: Iran; Burns: Afghanistan; Murphy-O'Connor: Libya.

The nuncio, Archbishop Mennini, is said to be very relieved at the expulsion of the bishops, saying, "Since there are so few scandals in those dioceses which are sede vacante, it is clear that most bishops just get in the way. Maybe now we can get down to reviving orthodox Catholicism."

"Our flight should be boarding soon."

Leviticus

This is Chapter 3 in the Eccles Bible project, explaining the Bible in simple terms to an atheist called Richard who is a bit of a beginner at theology. We have seen Genesisand Exodus, and now we need to work out what Leviticus is all about.

It is forbidden to eat vultures, even tinned ones (Leviticus 11:14).

Now, unlike the previous two chapters, which were full of jolly stories about ancient people, with a fair amount of smiting and some miracles too, Leviticus gets us into a bit of a rut. The basic plot is that God gives a lot of instructions to Moses and Aaron about rituals, the priesthood, sacrifices, etc. and Moses and Aaron carry them out.

Now pay attention, Richard. The book is called Leviticus, and refers to the Levites, the tribe from which the priests were drawn. This should give you a clue that most of the rules and regulations written down were not intended for modern Christians to follow - but wait until Christ turns up, and we'll explain this more carefully.

Wel-by, of the tribe of Levi, enjoys a nice ritual.

Some of the advice given is relevant today. For example, Chapters 13 and 14 have some fascinating stuff about how to diagnose leprosy, and what to do if you come across such a case. So you see, these "bronze age goatherds" could easily have got jobs in a modern hospital, and some could even have written books about shellfish genes (which they did not eat, according to Leviticus 11:9-12).

Around Chapter 17 we start to get some moral instruction, and of course this is the bit that so many secular-minded people object to. "Why can't I uncover the nakedness of my father’s sister if I want to?" they ask.

My own (great-)aunt Moly, with a good reason not to try and uncover her nakedness.

We should not forget Leviticus 18:22 (about lying with people of the same sex), because that does tend to upset some people. Although in the New Testament it is made clear that dietary restrictions no longer apply, and you can now eat as many vultures as you want to, it is also made clear that the same-sex prohibition - always far more serious than accidentally eating a vulture lasagne that you thought was beef - still stands.

Actually, Leviticus is at the forefront of equal rights, in many ways. "Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumbling block before the blind" (Lev. 19:14) is advice that few would argue with.

Someone round here hasn't been reading Leviticus.

Well, Leviticus was the basis of the Jewish law for many years, but there is a very good reason why it is hardly ever read from in a Christian church service - for us it is mostly of historical interest. Animal sacrifices are no longer expected: we have something far better.

After the service there are coffee and vulture sandwiches in the Sistine Chapel. Trust me, it's OK.

So next week we'll be looking at the book of Numbers, when the Israelites are on the move again...

Bad Hymns 21

Today's nomination for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is perhaps slightly obscure, but it was used recently at a Catholic Mass in central London, so we feel it deserves some fame. So let's welcome Gregory Norbet, who wrote Journeys ended, journeys begun. It is apparently also a favourite of the Benedictine Monks of Weston Priory, Vermont, where he spent 21 years as a monk.

If you find yourself buying this CD, seek help urgently.

Eccles: Gregory, it's good to have you with us, especially as your website says you are a respected spiritual leader, composer, singer and retreat director.

GN: I'm also part of the OCP family of composers and authors which, as we say on our website, includes many of the best-known, most beloved liturgical composers, contemporary songwriters, authors and event presenters in the Church today.

E: Ah yes, like the most beloved Paul Inwood, for example. Quite. Now this particular song of yours was nominated mostly for the chorus, so shall we have that in full?

Journeys ended, journeys begun:
to go where we have never been,
to be beyond our past,
moments of lifting up,
transcending death,
rising in transparent light
to the fullness of God's presence.
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia. 

To (boldy) go where we have never been.

GN: Yes, this song was a great favourite with the crew of the Starship Enterprise, you know.

E: You don't see it much in the films or television series, but I gather that the Enterprise has its own choir of Benedictine Monks.

GN: Yes, they sing spiritually nourishing hymns such as mine, occasionally popping out to zap the odd alien with a Zuhlsdorf^(TM) liturgical phaser.

Weston Priory welcomes Vulcans, Klingons and Romulans.

E: So, what else can we take from your hymn, Gregory? I was wondering about this "rising in transparent light" business.

GN: Oh, the idea is that, when our worldly time comes to an end, and the doctor says "He's dead, Jim!" we cry "Beam us up, God!" and off we go to Heaven.

E: Sounds great. Perhaps it really does work that way.

Beam us up, God!

GN: Still, that's just the chorus.

E: Well, the rest of the hymn seems to be just a copy-and-paste from the Gospels, so I don't think there's much to be added there. Gregory Norbet, thanks for joining us.

GN: So long, Eccles. Beam me up, Paul Inwood!

There is a strange ch-ch sound and Gregory Norbet disappears in a column of transparent light.

Moments of lifting up...

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.

Equal marriage

Now, children, I've been requested to teach you about equal marriage; more precisely, I've been threatened with the sack and the possibility of being banned indefinitely from teaching if I don't, so let's get started.

The owl and the pussycat - icons for equal marriage.

Yes, let's start with the owl and the pussycat. Edward Lear was a great campaigner for equal marriage, and his moving love poem was written as part of the struggle against a society which saw something unnatural in the romance between an owl and a cat. Note that, owing to persecution by the Catholic Church, they were denied a church wedding, and were forced to be married by a turkey that lived on the hill - evidently, a liberal priest in the mould of Giles Fraser.

Giles Fraser conducts a wedding.

Owls suffered a lot from persecution in the Victorian era: many became recluses, condemned by the intolerant society of those times as "Too wet to woo."

An owl, refusing to come out of the closet.

Let's move on now to the story of Alice in Wonderland. Can we have any doubt that she was in love with the white rabbit? Although initially underage, she made several attempts to "grow up," by eating and drinking various controlled substances, but her romance was always thwarted. In the end she gave up the struggle, and threw herself into a looking-glass in despair.

Alice - a victim of Victorian narrow-mindedness.

A more successful romance in the Alice books is of course the love story of the walrus and the carpenter, who celebrated their passion by dining on oysters (a well-known aphrodisiac).

Why can't we be married in church?

Now, children, do we have any more examples of equal marriage that we'd like to discuss? Pooh and Piglet? Yes, that's a very good example, Catherine. They spent a lot of time together, and they were obviously very much in love.

"Christopher Robin thinks I should marry a female teddy-bear. What a bigot he is!"

Well, that's all for today, children. I have to go and teach chemistry to the older children now, and of course same-sex attraction is a very important part of this.

One day a hydrogen atom met another one, and fell in love...